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Notes App Chronicles #2: Hapi Barfday!

Hi, kung nasaan ka man! :)

Katatapos ko lang panoorin ang Doctor Strange (2016). First time ‘to after we drifted apart, 4 years ago when you shut the world off. Pinanood ko lang yata ‘to noon kasi sabi mo, paborito mo siya sa lahat ng Avengers, pero natatandaan ko namang na-appreciate ko ‘yung film dati. 

Kapag tinatanong ako sinong paborito ko sa Avengers, kahit hindi ko naman kilala o napapanood pa ang lahat, sinasabi ko rin na siya. Paborito mo kasi kaya paborito ko na rin. Pero ilang taon na rin ang lumipas ah. Ilang Marvel films na rin ang lumabas after nito, this was 7 years ago na e. Paborito mo pa rin ba ‘to? Baka iba na; binalikan ko lang dahil birthday mo. Funny ko naman kung gano’n. Regardless, na-enjoy ko pa rin naman. 

Maraming parts sa screenplay na hindi ko gaanong gusto pero . . . for some reason, mas na-appreciate ko ‘to ngayon. May dala-dala na kasi akong bigat, lalim, at hugot. Napapaisip nga ako na kung sana andito ka, baka inaya kitang panoorin uli ‘to nang magkasama. Pagkatapos, pwede nating pag-usapan nang mas may lalim --- kung sino sa atin si Christine o si Stephen, mga gano’ng bagay. Although, alam naman na who’s who. 

Kitang-kita ko naman. Ramdam ko rin. 

Sana naramdaman ko rin noon, edi sana hindi tayo humantong sa ganito ngayon. 

Sorry. 

Pero alam mo ba, kahit kapangalan niya ‘yung nang-ghost sa ‘kin dati, wala, ikaw pa rin talaga naaalala ko kapag siya ang pinag-uusapan e. Dami kong naaalala tungkol sa ‘yo. 

Happy birthday nga pala. 

Hindi ko na nakalimutan. 

Hanggang kailan kaya ‘to? Nakakatakot kasi parang... 

hindi ko na nga yata makakalimutan. 

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Notes App Chronicles #1: Full Moon in Libra

Madalas akong magsulat. Ang tahimik na mga pahina ang takbuhan ko lalo na kapag malungkot, nasasaktan, at mayroong emosyong hindi maintindihan ngunit gustong-gustong maintindihan --- to make sense of it kumbaga. Pero hindi lang naman tuwing ganoon.  Nagsusulat din ako kapag busog ang araw sa kwento o kapag puno ito ng masasayang alaala. Ayoko mang makalimot ngunit mabilis kasing maglaho ang mga ito sa aking memorya kaya kailangan ko ng magpapaalala, ebidensya na naging masaya ako at hindi lang guni-guni na nangyari ito. 

Ngayong gabi, ang dami kong gusto at dapat na isulat. Kuntento naman na ako sa papel o notes app na hindi sumasagot. Ilang taon na ring ganito, pero nakakatawa. Unang beses ko yatang naisip na imbes na pagsusulat ang maging takbuhan, sana tao naman. ‘Yon bang may kasabay akong tumawa, mag-aww, bumuntong-hininga dahil sa kapayapaan ng damdamin, o kahit ‘yong tignan lang ako na may tuwa sa mga mata dahil pinili ko siyang pagkwentuhan imbes na itong notes app na ‘to.

Sa isip ko, ‘eto na naman ako, nasasabik na namang umibig. Bakit biglaan na naman yata at sobrang random? Wala na bang mapagsidlan ang pag-ibig sa puso ko kaya naghahanap na ng mapagbubuhusan? Baka naman dahil ‘to sa kababasa ko ng libro? Sumobra na ata ang pagka-hopeless romantic ko. Tapos naalala ko, kanina noong pauwi, huminto kami sa paglalakad ng kaibigan ko dahil gusto niyang kuhanan ng litrato ang buwan. Ugali ko na nga yatang magbigay ng random astrology-related fun fact kaya bigla kong nasabi na, “Uy, alam mo ba, last night na ng full moon in libra ngayon,” kahit alam kong hindi niya naman talaga naiintindihan ang ibig sabihin no’n. 

Tinatamad akong mag-explain kung bakit pero inclined akong sisihin ang full moon in libra sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. Tama, ‘yon ang dahilan! At gaya ng full moon, sana phase lang din ‘to. Hindi naman siguro ako gabi-gabi masasabik. Nakakatakot ‘yon. Pero sana rin, may dumating nga kahit hindi agad-agad. Lol. 

:))

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to be small even just for a while

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Cebu Shorts #1

Tanda ko isa-isa ang mga pagkakataong umiwas ako, ang mga gabing mabigat at ang mga salitang binitawan. 

Magulo, kumplikado, may dead end. Lahat ‘to alam ko at pinaghandaan. Pero meron talagang mga bagay na kahit ikondisyon mo pa ang utak mo, kapag andyan na, poof! Namali ka na naman. 

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Cebu Shorts #2

at kung sa pangalawang pagkakataon ay pahihintulutan, hihilingin na sana’y malayo sa dahas,  mas banayad, mas maingat, mas malaya.  dahil ang umiibig nang malaya ay handa at walang takot sa kahit ano, kahit pa sa pagtatapos. 

it’s officially aries season! the astrological sign for self-determination and fearlessness ~ since aries is the first sign of the zodiac, it’s telling us to put ourselves out there; try new things; and take chances. and this . . . :)

this is my way of telling you to take that brand new chance, to life and to love! happy aries season! <3

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J & R

Routine na namin ni Jos tuwing Friday night ang magkita sa cafe para mag-aral at mag-dinner together. Our schedules rarely match because he's on his final year in law school that's why he's really busy. Madalas na kaming hindi magkita na nagiging dahilan ng pagtatalo namin.

Hindi naman ako ang may problema sa setup. To be honest, I'm fine with it. I always remind him that it's okay. I understand how taxing law school can be. Ako nga na nasa undergrad pa lang, pagod na pagod na e. Paano pa kaya siya na nag-aaral na, nagtatrabaho pa? I suggested that he should quit his job so he could focus more on his review but he doesn't want to. And again, it's okay even though it meant that we'll have to endure not seeing each other for days. I admire him for that. Akalain mo nga namang kaya palang magsipag ni Josiah Montefalco sa pag-aaral nang ganito. I chuckled at the thought.

This is the reason why we've come up of this compromise. Hindi kasi okay sa kanya. Masyado niya raw akong nami-miss. Noong sinabi niya 'yon, nabatukan ko siya. Ang OA niya please kaya sumang-ayon na lang ako para manahimik siya. Basta ang kondisyon ko ay kung may importante siyang gagawin, unahin niya 'yon kesa itong routine namin na 'to.

I'm now in the cafe at our usual spot. Dumiretso na ako rito from my 5–7PM class kaya medyo gutom na rin. Before I entered my last class for today, I texted Jos asking kung tuloy kami tonight pero natapos na lang ang klase, wala pa rin siyang reply. Siguro marami na namang ginagawa sa trabaho. Tawagan ko kaya? Hmm. 'Wag na lang siguro kasi baka makaistorbo pa 'ko.

I started to do some of my homeworks for next week. I'm pretty sure I won't finish all of these in one sitting pero one subject at a time ang motto ko para naman mabawasan na ang gagawin ko sa weekend. Hindi rin kasi nauubos ang mga kailangan kong basahin at pag-aralan.

When I finished one, nagdesisyon akong i-text si Jos. Sana mag-reply na kasi kung hindi siya matutuloy, I'll order food na lang and eat here alone. Or sana tumawag siya para kahit boses niya man lang marinig ko.

Pipindutin ko na sana ang send nang biglang tumunog ang phone ko. He's calling!

"Love, nag-drive na ko. Naa pa ba ka diha o nakauli na ka? I'm sorry. Nidiretso na ko sa sakyanan. Mao pa'y paghuman namo." I can hear his heavy breathing.

(Love, nagda-drive na ako. Andyan ka pa ba o umuwi na? I'm sorry. Dumiretso na ako sa kotse. Katatapos lang din namin.)

"Gikapoy gyud ni siya ba. Kaluoy pud. Naa pa ko diri man pero sure ba ka nga muanhi pa ka? Pahuway na lang kaha sa inyo?"

(Tunog pagod ka. Kawawa naman. Andito pa naman ako pero sure ka bang pupunta ka pa? Magpahinga ka na lang kaya sa inyo?)

"Samoka. Padulong na lagi ko. Kuan lang, kanang order na lang daan food. Nikaon na ka, love?"

(Hindi na. Papunta na ako dyan. Order ka na lang ng food. Kumain ka na ba, love?)

"Wala pa. Nasa ubos na unta para mag-order. Sige na, I'll order our food now. Drive safely please."

(Hindi pa. Nasa baba na sana para mag-order. Sige na, I'll order our food now. Drive safely please.)

"Okay, bye. I lo—"

"Bye."

Hindi niya na natapos ang sasabihin kasi sabay kaming nagsalita at agad kong tinapos ang tawag kasi nasa tapat na ako ng counter. Hinanda ko na lang ang sarili ko. May masasabi na naman kasi 'yon mamaya. Ayaw niya pa naman kapag pinuputol ko ang tawag agad.

Isang beses, tinanong niya ako kung hindi ko na raw ba siya mahal. I asked him where did that come from and he just shrugged. Hanggang sa ako na lang mismo ang nakapansin.

"Ma'am, ma-ready inyong food after 15 minutes pa. Willing to wait, ma'am?"

"Yes, sure," I said and gave her a smile.

Umakyat ako pabalik sa lamesa namin at ipinatong ang ulo sa lamesa. Isang homework pa lang nagagawa ko pero sumakit yata ang ulo ko dahil do'n. Ang hirap mag-aral!

Saka lamang ako umayos nang may maramdaman akong tumabi sa 'kin. Dumating na rin sa wakas si gago. I slowly opened my eyes and saw his smiling face.

I'm so happy to see him face to face. His warm stare is telling me that he is as happy as me. Hindi ko man masabi pero sobrang nalungkot ako na baka hindi siya makapunta, na nami-miss ko rin naman talaga siya. Sobra ko siyang nami-miss pero ayokong madagdagan ang insecurity niya. Importante rin naman kasi sa kanya ang pag-aaral. Pati na rin sa akin.

"Hi, love," he said while he softly combed my slightly messy hair.

"Hello, dimple."

I gave him a small smile and touched his dimple, my most favorite part of him. He chuckled.

Tumayo si Jos at lalo siyang natawa nang makitang naalarma ako sa ginawa niya. Tiningala ko siya at tinanong kung saan siya pupunta.

"Kuhaon ra nako atong food uy. Ana ra ba to si ate nako nga hapit na daw mahuman. Don't worry, you'll have me for the whole night," he told me and then he winked.

(Kukunin ko lang food natin. Sabi kasi ni ate malapit na raw matapos. Don't worry, you'll have me for the whole night.)

Siraulo talaga! Ano kayang dapat kong gawin para mabawasan 'yung pagsasabi niya ng kung ano-ano? May pa-you'll have me for the whole night pang alam!

My phone started chiming simultaneously. Sunod-sunod ang pagpasok ng notifications. Mostly are from Jos' cousins na nag-comment sa isang post na tagged sa akin. Post ni Jos!

I pressed the notification and I saw a picture of me na nakapatong ang ulo sa lamesa. 'Yung lalaking 'yun talaga! Kinuhanan na naman ako ng picture nang hindi ko alam. Ang hilig niyang gawin 'to kahit ilang beses ko nang pinagsabihan. Ang kulit!

Naiisip ko na namang pagsabihan siya pagbalik niya rito nang mabasa ko ang caption.

jtmontefalco i love you. missed you so much, my love.

Binabasa ko ang mga panunudyo ng mga pinsan niya sa comments nang makabalik si Jos. Tinignan ko siya which made his brows curl in question. Instead of ranting for the nth time how much I hate what he did, naalala ko bigla ang caption niya. Minsan na nga lang kami magkita, papagalitan ko pa ba? Pasalamat siya naisip ko 'to. I rested my head on his chest and hugged his waist.

"Hmm? Are you okay?" He asked me.

"I love you, too." I said in a very small voice.

"I love you, Rei. Kaon na ta."

"I love you. I love you. I love you," I inhaled his scent and hugged him tighter.

Note: A little JossRei fic :) Josiah and Rei are characters from jonaxx’s To Fall Again.

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M & N

I handed the bottle of Gatorade to Noah the moment I reached their spot. He took it from me and slowly opened it. He's alone. They left him, huh?

Better.

I was just there, standing inches away from him, watching him intently as the anticipation rushed through me but his movements were lazy and I'm starting to lose my patience.

Damn it. Just drink it already.

And there, I saw how the bottle's lid made its way to his mouth, his adam's apple moving as he drank the liquid. I secretly smiled. For a moment, he looked so refreshed. But I know it's only short-lived.

Noah's body started to convulse, bubbles coming out of his mouth. He tried to stand but he failed. His body collapsed on the floor instead and that's when I turned my back on him.

I was nearing the exit but decided to stop and take a glimpse of him for the last time. He was now surrounded by his friends, worry and panic etched on their faces. It was like a film in slow motion.

When Joey moved, I saw his face. He was looking at me, still struggling to breathe.

I gave him an unapologetic smile and said, "Good bye, asshole."

I felt no remorse. It was what he deserved. I'm done.

NOTE: This was a fun idea I had for that memorable Gatorade scene from jonaxx’s Worthless.

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Draco: You're weirder than I first thought you were

Hermione: Is that a bad thing?

Draco: It should be

Hermione: but is it?

Draco: No

~The Fallout by everythursday

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T & B

"Ano? Ayaw mo ba talaga akong ihatid sa airport?"

Napaikot na naman ang mata ko sa tanong ni Thirdy. It's his flight to Japan tomorrow for his international career and he has been nagging me all day. Gusto niyang ihatid ko siya sa airport.

"Hindi nga! Ang kulit!"

Narinig niyang tumaas na ang boses ko kaya dali-dali niyang itinaas ang dalawa niyang kamay, giving up. I sighed.

"Kaya nga I asked you out, 'di ba? Kaya nga we're here right now," patuloy ko.

Andito kami sa labas mismo ng Gesu, katatapos lang magdasal. We prayed for His continuous guidance and protection. Above all, a safe flight for him.

"Bakit ba kasi ayaw mo 'kong ihatid?"

Bakit nga ba?

After his successful UAAP career, his fans kept wondering why his #OnAMission is still up on his twitter bio. Akala nila na since tapos na ang UAAP career niya, tatanggalin na niya 'yon. But, no.

Thirdy, just like everyone else, is a dreamer. A very hardworking one, I must say. And I'm happy that he's chasing every one of them, especially the bigger ones right now. He will forever be #OnAMission. It's that one thing about him that I love so much.

I'm happy for him but as his friend since high school, there's a part of me that's sad. I can't help but be emotional about this. Kaya nga ayaw ko siyang ihatid. Ayaw ko kasi siyang makitang umalis. It's going to be very hard for me to stop myself from crying. I'm happy for him but it will also hurt. And the last thing I want is for him to know that.

"Sabi mo nga, I'm a lola. Tinatamad ako. Napilitan nga lang ako ngayon just to shut you up." All lies, the last one to annoy him.

"Ouch naman sa napilitan. Edi umuwi na tayo!"

I laughed so loud. I knew he was gonna react this way! Nagtampo pa ata siya. Ang sama ng tingin sa akin eh.

It was a couple of minutes of silence when I cleared my throat and said, "So, this is really it na, ano?"

I don't know if it's what I said or the the tone of my voice that made him glance my way. It doesn't really matter, I couldn't care less.

"I'm happy for you, Thirds. We often talked about this since freshman year. Now, it's here. Finally!" I tried to sound lighter. I don't want to make him sad. He shouldn't worry about anything.

"Thank you, Bea. You've been all out. I've come this far and a lot of portions of this journey were with you. You were with me through everything."

"Aww, don't be a crybaby now. Come here," I opened my arms for him and he immediately slammed himself on me.

The hug lasted long. And just when I was about to escape, he pulled me back again. I chuckled.

"You're gonna miss me, aren't you?"

"Of course, dumb ass." Isiniksik niya ang ulo niya sa pagitan ng leeg at balikat ko. It was always like this with him. Tuwing susubukan kong kumawala, hindi siya pumapayag. He just knows his way around me. Kapag naman hindi ko namamalayang nawala na pala ako which happened a lot of times already, hihilain niya ako pabalik. He kept me on track.

It was him who pulled out from the hug. And this time, I was the one who didn't let go. I wrapped my arms on his waist instead, and I looked at him as if it's gonna be the last time I will ever see his face this close. Totoo naman! Well, at least for now.

"Thank you, Thirdy." I said as I slowly cupped his face. "I may have not told you about it, but I'm thankful for you. Ayon ang una kong sinabi sa Kanya kanina. I thanked Him for giving me you. Sabihin mo man na nakasama mo ako sa halos lahat, alam nating dalawa na mas maraming beses na ikaw ang nagsumikap na samahan ako sa halos lahat. Thank you."

You are my day one, Thirdy.

"This time, kahit malayo ka, sisikapin ko, abot sa makakaya ko, na samahan ka. I'm just a call away, okay? Pero 'wag ka namang tumawag kapag may training. Alam mo naman si Coach O," I let out a very naughty smile that made him giggle.

"Opo."

"So, paano? Tara na? Ayaw kong puyat ka bukas. Masamang umpisahan ang journey nang kulang sa energy. Wow, that rhymed."

I was trying so hard to make things less heavy. He sighed and said, "One last?"

Naguluhan ako sa kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin but when he pulled me back again, nakuha ko na. One last, huh? One last embrace for my champ.

"Alam mo, tara na." I don't want to let go but I can already feel my eyes welling up. My throat also hurts, kapipigil umiyak. "Kota ka na, ha! Dami mo nang kilig for today."

He laughed heartily while I just smiled. We walked our way to our cars' doors.

"Ano, see you soon?" Thirdy shouted at me.

"No, Thirds. See you when I see you." I immediately went inside my car and with a heavy heart, I left.

While I was driving, my phone beeped because of his message.

Thirdy: See you when I see you, huh?

And beeped again for another one.

Thirdy: I don't know what you meant by that, but okay, Bea. See you when I see you.

I stopped driving and replied.

"Safe skies, Thirdy."

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M

"Do you, do you think about me?

Do you, do you feel the same way?

Do you, do you remember how we felt?

Cause I do, so listen to me, baby"

At hours like this, I think about you. But tonight's different, the rain is pouring outside; it's cold...

and I'm missing you, more intensely than what I'm used to.

It was 10 days after your birthday. I didn't give you any gift that's why you asked me to watch a movie which, you said, you waited for 10 years.

Last full show, 10 PM. I wasn't expecting it to happen. I was nervously waiting for you. I kept glancing at the entrance, looking for signs of you. Then, you suddenly showed up with a huge grin on your face as you walked slowly towards me. It's you, you're real.

I stood up. When you reached me, you opened your arms and pulled me in a very warm embrace. I didn't know what to do. That gesture was so new for the both of us. I didn't know what to do yet my right arm found itself slowly caressing your back. You still told me I was too stiff, though.

"I'm not trying to ruin your happiness

But darling,

Don't you know that I'm the only one for you?"

You bought us fries. You were very excited for the movie; you kept talking about it. I'm not a fan of it but I tried so hard to be as enthusiastic as you. I wanted to be present. I wanted to be with you. These were what I wanted you to feel because you never failed to make me feel the same way. You were always there for me that sometimes, I feel like I wasn't doing enough for you.

Two years later, I still blame myself for failing to do so.

"And do you, do you think about me at all?

And do you, do you feel the same way?

Oh tell me, babe

And do you, do you remember how we felt?

Cause I do, so listen to me now"

It was cold inside the cinema. I had my cardigan on but my legs were exposed. I tried to make subtle movements so you won't notice how uncomfortable I am. I didn't want to ruin that night. I forgot something, though. And that is you know me too well.

You looked at my side, trapped both of my hands using yours, and placed them on my lap. It helped minimize the trembling of my legs. And when the light from the large screen illuminated your face, I saw your smile.

"I'm not trying to ruin your happiness, baby

But darling,

Don't you know that I'm the only one for you?"

The movie's over. We were on our way out of the mall. The both of us can't stop our little giggles when you started imitating your favorite superhero. You told me about your favorite scenes, your eyes sparkling as you talked. It kinda eased the guilt I was feeling because as much as I didn't want to ask questions about the characters while we were watching, you knew I was too oblivious on what's happening and you can't help but explain them to me in between the scenes.

We were about to go on our separate ways when you told me, you wanted to take me home. I was about to go against it but you insisted. You were insistent and excited that the only thing I was able to utter was, "Okay." You answered with a kiss on my cheek. You smiled at me and I leaned my head on your shoulder. I've never felt appreciated in so long until that night.

Two years later, I still blame myself for failing to make you feel the same way.

"Do I ever cross your mind?"

We dropped by a convenience store because I told you I wanted to get some milk. While I was drinking my milk inside the store, we talked about our crazy moments. Other people kept staring at us because our laughs were so loud but we didn't care.

"Do I ever cross your mind?"

We arrived at my stop. Me, being my weird ass self, didn't know what to do. I just knew I wanted to smile, so I did. I kept smiling at you like a fool. You were a fool too because you did the same. We both looked like fools who can't stop smiling at each other.

You were the one who got us out of that very-awkward-yet-felt-right moment.

You embraced me like I was the most important person in your life at the moment and kissed me good bye on my forehead.

Who knew that would be the last time?

"Do I ever cross your mind?"

Two years later, I can only hope.

"Don't you know that I'm the only one for you?"

I do, now.

Two years later, I still blame myself for failing you.

Two years later, I still am sorry.

"Do I ever cross your mind?"

You do.

And I miss you... more intensely than what I'm used to.

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