troublemakerjade-blog

[troublemakerjade-blog]

I really should be sleeping

I think its hard for people to let go. Its hard for me to let go. Its hard to go into the unknown. especially when the unknown was always held pain. It was unknown what our abusers would do next. it was unknown if we were going to make it out of that situation. 

It has been a hard night for me. It was one of grieving. So lets tell a happy story behind this grief. Growing up, my grandmother was a major nerd. I am talking about having a whole room just for movies *for all those kids out there that were born after dvds came out, this might not be as impressive. If you do not know what a vhs is, please google. While i cry about how old i am.* It was wall to wall VHS. But it was also star trek themed. Yes my grandmother was a major trekie. She raised me on xena and star trek. The amount of star trek stuff my grandmother had accumulated it was insane. Grandma had a spending problem. but that is something I will go into later. It was christmas, I was 7 or 8.Time lines in my life, is hard to keep track of. If you have trauma and a hard time remembering, its not your fault. don’t feel bad, thats a side effect of the trauma. My counseling just told me about it. So back on track, I was gifted a special trilogy.  It was star wars. I remember looking at it all weird. While my grandmother raised me on sci-fi, i was more into wizards and vampires. She told me to watch it. to trust her. She gave me Luke, Leia, Han, and Vader action figures. Yeah my grandmother was just that fucking cool. so i started watching the movies. I remember telling her i wanted luke and leia to end up together. I now get the looks my grandparents shared when i started making the action figures kiss. Yeah yeah, i get it. Its incest. But in my defense, i had only watched the first one at that point. So while watching the movies, i fell  in love with them. the world was so immersive. those movies still remain to be some of my favorites because of the set designs.  I remember my grandma taking me to see the prequels and us talking like jar jar binks. I regret this fully, i assure. It was a dark time that i wish i could bleach from my mind. It was something my grandmother and i shared together. So all this week i keep seeing the new trailer and star wars celebration going on. Something in me just snapped and i realized that i could not call my grandma and ask her what she thought of the new ones. Because even in her old age, she still was a nerd. one of the times i called her, she asked me if i had a zombie survival plan. I got berated by my grandmother for not planning a head and then told that she would trip me to get away from the zombies. Joking of course. She loved the walking dead, she ended a call with me once because it came on. 

After this i started thinking about how my future is unknown as of this point. i dont have a angenda and before that would have killed me. I have made progress on accepting  the unknown. because I have gotten through my life so far semi in tack. we just have to accept that we will always have to face it at some point. 

I m tired. I just wanted to get those thoughts out. Its ok to feel your emotions. you are not weak for feeling them or expressing them. reaching out to a friend for help. It does not make you weak to ask for help. It makes you strong because you know that you can not do this on your own and  you are taking a step to get better. Never feel bad for having emotions. i tried to push them aside for so long. but my emotions are what make me strong. 

[troublemakerjade-blog]

Just start.

I hear that alot. but what do you do when you are paralyzed with fear of just starting. What if you do not know what to do? What if you’re entire life set you up to fail? How can you just start? how is anyone comfortable with things like this? 

I guess we should start with who I am. That should always be the easiest place to start. But i suck ass at introductions. Because I am a complex long winded bitch. So lets get to it. I am Serena Jade, I am 29 year of age. Well almost 29, my birthday is July 21st. Did you know that I share the same birthday as Robin Williams and Ernest Hemingway. Plus others, but those two i enjoy the most. I was raised on this weird mixture of music. My grandparents exposed me to the 50s and 60s era, and my mother, well everything else. From disturbed to George Michael. There is way to many to actually list. I still know the songs by heart. Music has and always be a big part of my life. If there was suddenly no music in the world, I do not think i would be able to stand it. Yeah I got this weird up bringing. 

How do i even start to explain my upbringing? My mother had me when she was freshly 20 years old. As much as i can tell, she was this rebellious child. Sneaking out, getting high, aka the typical 80s party girl. I have never met my father. She told me it could be one of three guys.i just remember responding to her “oh great, you set me up as a mamma mia movie, except you’re not a great mother and we dont randomly burst out into singing.” My mother being who she was, did not want the responsibility of raising a child. She wanted to have fun and just be a child. because at the age of 20, you are still very much a child. I am reaching 29 and i still feel like i am a child. You’re 20s are meant for insane adventures, college and learning who you are. But instead of adapting to the situation like so many of the single moms i know, my mother would just dump me at my grandparents. I don’t remember living with my mother often in my childhood. I actually dont remember any happy times with my mother that weren’t eventually tainted with her screaming at me or some other form of abuse. all told i can remember 3 years of my early life living with her. the rest was with my grandparents. until i was 18, when my grandfather died half way through my senior year. That is something for a later date. because that is freshly painful since my grandmother just passed. I lost her in January. I was not able to get to her side in time. I live in colorado now, she was in arizona. 

My earliest memory is of me cracking my head wide open. I was jumping up and down on a bean bag, next to a giant stone fire place. This is back in the 90s, so no one believed in child proofing the house and the fire place had sharp edges. I remember just going out to my grandpa in the back yard and asking him if the sticky warm red stuff was bad. Then he started shouting out oh fuck! FUCK! SHIT! My earliest memory my mother was following the head injury. i was forced to stay in bed, I could not leave it. I got up and asked my grandmother if i liked balto. She started cursing and told me yes i loved the movie and that I could not leave the bed again. My mother came over and gave me a coin box shaped like a bunny rabbit, with my name on it. Serena. i remember her getting up and i lost my shit. screaming out please dont leave me. please stay. 

I use to beg her to stay. to love me. but she never did. You could be asking yourself how this is a positive mental attitude about all of this crap. just stick around and you’ll see. because none of this actually means anything if you do not understand who i am and what I went through to get to this point. I just want people to see that they can get through all the crap that life throws at them if they just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Telling yourself that you just have to make it one more day. That after today, you are closer to closing out this shitty chapter of your life and a new one will start. because everything really does pass in time. it just fucking sucks to have to sit there and go through this. 

My next vivid memory is of me being 5 or 6 and getting ready to start kindergarten. i had been living with my grandparents. so they felt i should stay with them. or so i remember. the vivid parts are of my mother and grandmother fighting over me. yelling at eachother and just getting nasty with eachother. They started to pull me into the situation. “oh serena don’t you want to live with me? don’t you love me serena?” said my mother. my grandmother counted with “wont you miss us? don’t you like living with us serena? You wont get to see us that often if you live with your mother. “  I at the age of 5 or 6, had to be the adult. Had to compromise. I had to learn how to compromise at that tender age. i remember crying and begging them to please stop. I curled up in my grandpas lap and just cried. all he did was hold me. He was my father all my life. he was always someone who protected. but again that is a complicated relationship. I started to try and compromise with my grandmother and mother, shouting out that I would live six months with my mother and six months with my grandparents. They told me that i could not do that. That i had to choose. Which when you think about it, is entirely unfair to a small child. I should have been focused on how to con my grandpa into buying me sweets and barbie dolls. which was not hard, all i had to do was say gampy pease and bat my eyes. My grandfather could never say no to me. So this whole fight with who would get me came to a head when my grandpa jumped up and took a wooden pot holder and slammed it on the table. shouting out “Stop putting her in the middle of this, she is a child. i dont care how you figure it out but figure it out.” then he went outside to smoke. I remember curling up in someones lap incredibly scared of my grandfather right then and there. my grandfather was a very gentle person. very quiet, but he had a temper on him if you actually triggered it. i dont believe in god, but that man put the fear of god in me that night. 

ultimately i ended up living with my grandparents for kindergarten. I remember my first day of school and how happy i was to see my grandpa coming to get me. i ran to him so happy to see him. 

it is very late and i am dead tired and ready to play the sims. I will up date more and get deeper into my all the trauma i have gone through my life. its just such a long tale i know i can not do it justice in one night.