treehousemeetings

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how much abundance lies ahead of me

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But remembering don’t come to a man face forward — it corners around sideways.

"A Tree, A Rock, A Cloud" by Carson McCullers

Reminds me of conversations with jessica, discussing seeing beauty in everyone, which in turn allows beauty to be see in the self; the world smiling back also connects to these themes in a way.

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"Some of what you loved most about your partner was actually your own goodness reflected back to you; it's yours to keep and carry forward." -Lily Jay

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just like my older sister did with blank space back in 2014, i listen to my repeat finals song

junior year:: wasted by RKS

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i only want to write if it is how i feel; not imitating a superfluous lens of the world, not other writers voices applied to my meager thoughts.

but what is it i feel? i used to feel so much. sunlight on my face used to be cause for contemplation.

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the world smiling back

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it is so interesting to see me posting about slow living over a year ago, when it is something i still value so deeply and feel like i have gained such a better sense of what it means to me.

i wrote those things before i had even delved deeper into carson mccullers work, before i had found alice munro.

i cannot say that i am closer to living that way; i may have slowed down too much, or rather just lost a grip on the living part in general. but to even just understand myself, my life, just a little bit more is freeing, irregardless if i'm using that understanding to influence my decsions yet.

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“From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them, and that is eternity.” ― Edvard Munch

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an extension on this ever persisting topic:

losing my newly designed tin of jewelry somewhere between Texas and California, i have once again faced the nagging of a lost object, sentimental and sweet.

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ummm this thing on?

why do we love the people we love. i can't figure it out. i talked to cannon and joey back to back, side by side, yesterday and today, and its incomparable. its apples to oranges. obviously i love cannon best. but i think it is officially time to move on. officially. it is over.

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It is interesting how I see two boxes in everyday life. Work- that is academics, a job. Hobbies- or more known to me, extracurriculars. Athletics and art and everything in-between.

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A note on clothing.

Because even when falling short in my academic diligence, stressing over the balance of new extracurricular opportunities, and contemplating slow living philosophies, clothing is ultimately always what I return to and what consumes my mind.

When I wear clothing I want it to be something that I would wear as a fairy goblin the forest. Or something that makes me feel like I am a character in Winnie the Pooh. A shirt that I would wear when I live in a van and wake up to mountains, or a dress I would wear to coffee shops and physics classes and poetry readings. Recently I have been diving into clothing that makes me feel like an astronomer, overtly space related and dreamy. Almost lofi personified. Then above all, what I have always loved, is wearing clothing that would be straight from a Mazzy Star concert. A flannel that goes everywhere with me along with my slept in braids. Undeniably grunge.

Maybe I'll refer to this post and slowly post outfit pictures that fall under each one of these categories. Although how more materialistic can I get.

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I did not start watching movies, truly, until I met Paul. I think watching movies just seemed like a natural way to spend time together as a couple, and we both expressed the desire to.

Then I met- I don't even know his middle name.

I will never regret going back, because I know Paul's middle name.

Christopher?

Then I went to the mountains of California to meet someone who lived 200 feet from my college dorm room. The mullet man and I watch TV shows. What can be interpreted from this analogy? Longform classics with paul : sitcoms with MM. I think that the inference is there... no need to spell it out.

Why do we always watch TV shows anyway? I remember coming back to campus and day dreaming about being with him again, about late night drives to the beach for bonfires and star gazing. Oh how I romanticize others; oh how I romanticize who I am with them. Its like everyday I daydream about how our interaction will go, how much I'll have to say and offer to do, and then i never have the face to say it.

I thought the other day how he makes me feel like myself. My spirit is drawn to the surface, almost like hes got a magnet inside his chest pulling at it. I thought how my spirit continues to linger at the surface afterwards, and in that way he positively touches my interactions with others. I thought how he reminds me what my natural laugh sounds like. but none of this was said; and it didnt feel like it should be.

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sooo nomi leasure is my new role model. how she writes about her college years and the divine feminine; but most of all how she writes about love. i can't help but see the parallels, with my previous post of a one of pauls beats, and her post of an unreleased mac song.

if i don't start writing, what is it all for?

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so before i turn it off, little light at my bed stand ask me what i thought, of the life that i led and

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chronicling heartbreak

trying to finish my NASA research presentation that needs to be done for tomorrow, i searched for my venus talk to draw inspiration from. instead i stumbled upon a slideshow called 'cw research' during the wee hours of the night.

i don't recall making this in the slightest; i guess just as i never remember making the posts on here. its riddled with his humor, i cant believe i ever wrote it. it almost seems like i made it with him, like he ghost wrote it through me, or sat beside me and gave me tips as i made it. but i know that can't be true, it was intended as a birthday gift if i remember right. did i ever even show it to him? i really cannot remember.

i need to make more slideshows, thats for sure. they are like digital collages, a time capsule into a certain time. perhaps g and i can do slideshow updates throughout the semester?

but finding this, getting the urge to text him, and recognizing that that is not the right move, made me wonder why i haven't chronicled my experience through heartbreak. i know the answer; it hurt to much to even care, to consider it, to have the energy. similarly to how i couldn't document our relationship past the first month, i became too consumed by it, i couldn't document the ending until i was no longer consumed. writing will only ever get the bookends of this relationship, and the rest will exist within forgotten slideshows and my ever lingering memories.

but now i can recognize not to contact him. not when i see his best friend dating someone new, not when i find old relics of us. its similar to the mindset i've carried with me towards a lot of things, that i guess can be summarized as 'dont look back'. but its more like i picture myself in 5 months, or 2 years, or 3 and i wonder will i still be texting my first boyfriend? i don't want to; its icky to me the same way social media is icky to me especially past a certain age. when do i stop texting this person? because i don't want to be married, have kids, and still be texting this person.

i want to say in contact but is that true? i don't even know. i can't look that far into the future. it feels unreal.

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studying

second yr physics major here, and i'm still finding out how to study. heres what i have so far.

saturdays and sundays are for doing the readings of the week, and homework if possible.

red bull/coffee truly does get you locked innnn (worry about health affects later)

take breaks to chat with friends. a much more rejuvenating break than a screen.

lessen your damn load!!!!

all nighters are a no

the reading room is a yes

starting the day off running sets you up to be happy sitting, studying for the rest

music is often a no, but can help at certain times to stay there reading.

finish all homework a day early. see #5 for why

utilize all possible methods of recording- google docs of links to further materials/general ideas, 11x8.5 in grid notebooks of indepth reading + lecture notes, audio recordings

to do lists. daily to do lists, weekly to do lists, monthly to do lists, semester to do lists. just by making the document and writing it in your planner, your aware and ahead on big projects

find an outlet to talk/write about what you're learning; your excited to be learning this!! dont lose that spark by being only in your own head. you wont retain as much, itll all feel like mush

no youtube, or phone really. restrict content to movies, things you can deeply reflect on and journal about.

no traveling :( its fun but very very distracting. absorb yourself in your surroundings rather than constantly looking to move on