traumaspore

[traumaspore]

i enjoy my interactions and intimacies with her. even if part of me wants to self destruct, a larger part of me wants to continue experiencing that connection and series of enjoyable and pleasant interactions and intimacies.

[traumaspore]

just want to fuck and fuck and not think about anything else

feeling self destructive and like i want to ruin my relationships and connections to people, especially her (not ex). perhaps rooted in guilt?

[traumaspore]

feeling self destructive and like i want to ruin my relationships and connections to people, especially her (not ex). perhaps rooted in guilt?

[traumaspore]

now hypersexual and constantly thinking about going down on her. very aroused

[traumaspore]

seeing another’s genitals in an interaction in which they are clearly sexually engaged with me, and I think specifically sexually aroused by me… (my trauma) suddenly robs me of my desire and enjoyment and choice. suddenly I am no longer a voluntary participant in the interaction, I am forced to provide pleasure for them and service them, I am no longer allowed to be present as myself.

[traumaspore]

once I saw her genitals I regressed to a child and I was there and he was there and he was going to rape me again.

[traumaspore]

had a flashback of ayla's scent later. upsetting on top of upsetting

[traumaspore]

she sent nudes. genitals were visible. regressed. then forced self to be into it and retraumatized self. started wanting to cry while trying to be into it and thinking of her while touching myself.

[traumaspore]

DBT Self-Help Resources: Emotions List

Using an Emotions List to help Label an Emotion

Some people are more adept at labelling their emotions than others. Some people just can’t seem to name what they are currently feeling. They might say that they felt bad or upset, but pinning down what that actually means for them is more challenging. Many people walk around in this kind of emotional fog.

Unfortunately, if you don’t know what you are feeling, you can’t do much to change it. People who can name their emotions are more capable of managing them, so it is important to become more familiar with your emotions and learn to identify them.

Once you are more capable of naming your emotions, you’ll have more choices in terms of what to do with an emotion if it makes you feel uncomfortable and you would prefer to at least reduce its intensity. Many people with emotion dysregulation grow up without learning this important information, so for some people it takes a lot of time to get the hang of naming their emotions. Be patient. If you get frustrated, reframe this process as if you are learning a new language. In fact, that’s exactly what is happening: you are learning the language of emotion.

Anytime you are unable to identify the emotion you are experiencing refer to the Emotions List. Reading through it, you should be able to find a word that closely describes the emotion that you are experiencing.

[traumaspore]

i intentionally stretched my left leg and then a little later i’m pretty sure i had a physical trauma reaction. think i blacked out for a handful maybe as long ten minutes as well as woke up with an enormous weight on my whole body, like the physical sensation of someone on top of me pinning me down. managed to roll out from under the weight and sit up and force it off me and away, but even later when i got up and walked upstairs my legs were feeling and moving strange.

[traumaspore]

i may try some yoga stretches to trigger a trauma response and explore possible existing narratives & root causes from there, as well as radically accepting & empathizing with my responses to the trauma, both in the moment and the moments preceding & following, and renarrativizing my responses empathetically.

[traumaspore]

i think i have undiscovered trauma relations regarding the use of my legs, especially my left, and that that is part of why they remain so weak and i find it so difficult to move them how i used to.