trapped-in-my-own-hell

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

I'm not sure what the fuck is going on but nothing feels right and I just want to.. figure it out. All these thoughts in my head are being lost in translation as I try to bring them out as words and it's so frustrating. I don't know what to do, but I can't do nothing forever, so I'm gonna try to throw some words in here.

I'm starting to feel lonely again. I've been away from school for two weeks, and that's two weeks of being away from my closest friends and as each day goes by, it's like they're straying further and further away. To be fair, though, I manage to make myself feel lonely even when I'm with these friends. That's not really fair.

I went out for dinner with my roommate and a friend we share and it's hard to say that I enjoyed myself. It's something about always feeling left out, or like a third wheel. Or fourth. Or fifth. I managed to talk a bit but I always feel like my words are being not acknowledged, run over, or simply ignored. It's already hard enough that I can barely formulate the words to say, and to get so little response for the effort I put in makes it seem not worth it. After long enough, I brought forth my bubble and turned to myself for attention and entertainment by playing the games I always play on my phone.

Fine with me. I'm used to it. I hate it, but I'm used to it.

It just feels like everyone has someone they can connect with in many different ways while I'm constantly struggling to even seek out something like that. Forget seeking it out. I don't even know what I want.

What do I want? I want attention. I want someone to enjoy the things that I enjoy, and to enjoy them with me. Naturally there's way more that I want but of course there are no words to accurately explain the rest.

There may have been two people like that in my life, who were what I needed. I let one go and the other is... missing. She's, at least in my head, indefinitely preoccupied. I'm on the verge of disconnecting from her entirely, but it would be rational to talk to her first. "Fuck that," says my disordered brain. "Nothing will come if it."

Anyways, if I can't have these things, then I don't really get what I'm going through life for. Maybe I'll find it somewhere down the line, but it's been seemingly less and less likely with every interaction with another person. Without it, I'm just living through each day and feeling like it was pointless. The fun I may have during the day feels diminished when I return home from the night. Worries that those closest to me will eventually part ways make the present appear to serve no purpose other than making the day go by.

This is getting long. I'm getting tired. Why am I sleeping and not just leaving?

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

11/13/16

I’ve lost so much of myself in you, that I just don’t know what to do. I can't help but to think you've moved on with ease, and I thought I was doing just fine. Now I find myself exactly where I was last year: lost, confused, upset, tired. I don't know if I did the right thing, but it feels so wrong now. It's part of the process, but it's so fucking awful. Whatever. It feels like I'm close to getting into the program I'm working so hard for, the one I had on my mind for years, the one that would have brought me to you. I pushed my limits in order to break the boundary that had kept us apart. Even if I succeed in the end, the meaning behind it is still lost. What good is my continual effort, this surpassing of limits not even known to myself, when I have no destination? Whether a goal is in sight or not, there's no choice but to go on. But honestly, I made a mistake, and it may be too late to fix it. I'm sorry that I took too long to realize it. Goodbye, for now.

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

4/25/16

It's hard to talk to others about being depressed since I don't want to make people around me feel sad, yet it's just as hard to keep it to myself.

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

3/18/16

God I feel so fucked after Wednesday. When it felt like I had nobody you came to talk and all of this loneliness built up over the weeks went away, almost as if it never existed. It didn't last very long but I hadn't felt so lively in a while before then. Now that you're gone again it's like that hole I've been laying in got so much deeper. Did you pull me out so you could dig a little more, or did I only do this to myself?

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

3/4/16

It feels awfully lonely during these late hours. I'm not entitled to having a friend available at any given moment, but how nice would it be to not have to feel this? I should just sleep, I know, but I can't really bring myself to it. What do I do then? Taking to air doesn't feel as great so I'm hoping you or someone is reading this. I need a reason.

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

2/20/16

If this is the result of loving the wrong person then I wish didn't want to feel this love so strongly. I hope that the next try will be my last. I can't and won't keep having this taken away from me.

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

2/19/16

You make it pretty clear to see how much you still love me. Part of me wants it back, to be able to talk to you normally again. At the same time, I don't know what I want. Do I want you, or do I just want to feel the way you made me feel? I suppose that's pretty obvious. I miss that happiness.

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

2/14/16

It's kinda hard to think that I'm already over this. What we had truly was the greatest feeling I've had the pleasure of experiencing, but there's no use in being sad now that it's gone. I suppose I let go relatively easily and I don't know whether that's good or bad. Either way I'm pretty glad I'm not sulking. It's weird.. Even though you're no longer in sight, no longer in mind, I'm directing this towards you. I suppose I wouldn't want to bother anyone else with it. I'm writing to you, something I don't think I'd ever want you to see. Whether you ever find this or not I'm just glad I can rant somewhere. There hasn't been much to look forward to lately and the nights have been a bit lonely and sad. It feels like a mix of exhaustion and depression. That's all I have for now I guess. There isn't much else on my mind that I wanna mention. Happy Valentine's Day.

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

1/30/16

I didn't know that saying anything would do this to you, and it makes me regret ever responding. This isn't something I can see anymore. I still love you, but I just can't be with you.

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

I'm sorry for missing you.

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

I'd call you on sleepless nights like this. You'd tell me "go to sleep" and I would almost instantly, as if I were under your hypnosis.

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

1/16/2016 - What I Learned About Love

I’ve learned how necessary it is that both partners put in an equal amount of effort to supporting themselves and each other. It wasn’t enough to simply want to make things better when you weren’t helping me help you. You weren’t helping yourself. I learned how impossible it is to carry another person the whole way through. I held you up high and we went far (well, further than I’ve ever been). I looked forward to where we were headed. However I just couldn’t complete this journey on my own. I needed you to hold me up sometimes too. Partners are partners because they hold each other up through the best and the worst. You were fine at that until the worst came, and it was left to me to handle on my own. Finally my knees buckled, and I tumbled down, unwilling to get back up. At the very end you held out your hand, wanting to hold me up, but I suppose it was much too late.

You taught me how hard it is to run a marathon with another person on my back. I’ll gladly hold my partner up when she’s tired, but I can’t keep it up the whole way through. I’d much prefer to hold her hand as we run together.

That road I once happily looked forward to crossing is gone now, but a new one awaits. A new road has opened up somewhere, leading to a new paradise. I can’t wait to find it, and I hope you find yours in due time.

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

12/24/2015

You told me you were okay(ish) and that helps me breath a little. I'm glad that you've been progressing through all of this and I encourage you to keep moving forward. Do whatever you must to keep you going, but make sure you're keeping your health in mind. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

12/22/15

Ever since I decided I wouldn't spend my life with you, I haven't been sure of what I'll do or where I'll go instead. I'm sure I'll find someone else to live with/for, but being on my own doesn't feel natural anymore. Part of my happiness comes from being counted on, being able to stay by one's side and let them look to me at any given moment. You filled that hole for me and since I let you go that hole has become void again. I feel a little lost. I haven't been very productive and because of that I haven't been living up to my potential. I suppose I've never really reached my potential at any point. I could be doing so much more but I haven't really been given any push towards it. It doesn't seem to be something I can do for myself. I'll try to work harder alongside a certain model student I know, but that push is almost necessary to take more significant actions. I don't want to pester, to have anyone grow tired of telling me to do what I should be telling myself to do, so I decide not to bother asking for a push. How do I motivate myself?

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

Talk to me some day. Let me know you're doing okay.

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

12/19/15

I've found happiness within myself. I still miss you, but I won't hold myself back because of it. I won't forget who you are or what we had, but I'm moving on. Please do the same. Do it for you. I want to see that you're happy again, then I'll truly be happy. Your pain lingers in the back of my head as I move forward; it'll be there until I know that you're moving forward.

[trapped-in-my-own-hell]

12/17/15

I'm sorry for ignoring you... But this is best for you. Please give up on me. There's no going back. You'll find happiness without me once you see that I'm not the only thing in your world. You'll realize it soon enough. I wish I hadn't turned into this. I still don't know what I'm feeling.