training4hogwarts

[training4hogwarts]

I hate my BPD brain. Last night was the 3-5 musical for my school. I saw an old coworker from my old school, who I thought I was a good acquaintance with. I went over and said hi. We had a decent chat, she asked me about my wedding and getting married. Which was odd because I didn’t think I had her on Facebook but that must have been where she saw it. I let it slide and chalked it up to being Fb friends. Well, someone else posted a picture with her on FB and tagged her but it was blacked out, like no hyperlink. That usually means they blocked you. I looked her up and nothing.

So now, I’m all paranoid about “did she block me after last night?” Or have I been blocked / not friends for a long time? How did she find out about the wedding? Why are people talking about me….?

Logically, I know it doesn’t matter. She wasn’t/isn’t a friend. She’s just an old coworker. But my abandonment issues want everyone to like me. ☹️

[training4hogwarts]

Santa is coming to town ✨🎅🎄✨🎶

[training4hogwarts]

I ended up staying home from work today due to a sick kid. I tried to stay busy so I wouldn't just eat out of boredom. I did okay, I guess.

Breakfast 2 sausage and egg burritos with cheese and salsa

Snack Buffalo pretzels with cottage cheese Snow peas

Lunch None

Snack 4-5 Triscuits

Dinner BBQ chicken, macaroni and cheese, green beans

Snack ice cream sandwich trail mix homemade cake w/ icing and milk

Yeah, now that I've typed this up, it wasn't that great. I have a headache, stomach ache, and I'm sure my blood sugar is through the rough.

I see the dietitian Friday. I really hope something clicks soon. Sigh. If anyone has any advice... I'd love to hear it. Please and thank you.

[training4hogwarts]

I have a "why am I like this" moment at least five times a day

[training4hogwarts]

Day 3 - 5

11.16.24 - 11.18.24

I don’t even remember what I ate this past week. The last three days are all a blur when it comes to food, my intake, and exercise.

I’m going to be honest, I wanted to pretend this weekend didn’t happen because I ate like crap, binged, and not done what I’m supposed to.

I actually had an emergency phone session with my therapist during my plan time and we came up with a game plan because I emailed her asking for a session sooner than in the 2 weeks we have scheduled.

I’ve been feeling so defeated and unorganized because I am going to one extreme or the next. I’m either tracking and restricting so little I end up binging or I’m not tracking or caring and still binging.

She wants me to try to track again BUT instead of restricting, she wants me to find my TDEE with light exercise 3x a week and then the deficit for 1lb a week. I’ve never done 1lb a week. I’ve always done 2 or more. I also say I never exercise. So, I’m not getting an accurate reading. Because I do light exercises almost everyday.

And then she wants me to only commit for one week, even if I “mess up.” I’m so bad with my all or nothing personality. She also said to tell my dietician Friday what I’ve come up with and see what she said.

Basically, the goal is to make me feel in enough control that I stop binging because my binging has been even worse since I said I wasn’t going to track anymore…. And wouldn’t you know it. One of my triggers for binging is feeling out of control. Crazy how that happens.

[training4hogwarts]

“We were never supposed to be in love; for everything that exists inside a heart eventually dies.”

[training4hogwarts]

[training4hogwarts]

Honestly, this post makes me feel so seen and heard. I also wanted to pretend like the weekend didn’t happen…. And just “start over” today. But once again, you’ve been an inspiration! We CAN do hard things.

UPDATING - Sorry It's Long

I am currently at work – and I need to update for the last two days. I had every intention of posting, but then I got tired and was like meh – the struggle to type words!

Anyways, I pulled up a Word Document at work to type what I want and then copy and paste. Work is slow à but this makes me look busy. Mawhahaha

ANYWAYS!

Sunday (Nov. 17) DAY 7 of trying to get my healthier life on track.

 Before I break down my eating, I will say I did end up grabbing food not from home for both lunch and dinner. I almost made it a whole week fully sticking to my plan (minus the sandwich Saturday while at moms). BABY STEPS!

Breakfast – Pancakes, cheesy scrambled eggs, and a clementine – Oh and coffee!

                I started of good in the morning – I chose not to eat all the pancakes I made and shared them with my husband. That was a tough choice, but once I was done eating I felt stratified in my food intake.

Lunch – Ordered Moes to the house – I had a burrito bowl, cup of queso, and chips.

                I know I had food at home I could have made, but once I got home from dropping Hayden off at work and spending time outside with the dog I just wasn’t feeling putting something together. So, I caved. I probably should have skipped on the queso or gotten the smaller size. I am however not made at myself – and I didn’t go off any rails eating more once I was done with my meal. It was yummy and end of story.

Snack – Oreo pack (4 cookies) and some milk

Dinner – McDonalds 6 piece Nugget Happy Meal & Double Cheeseburger

So I ended up napping Sunday evening and missed dinner time – but when I was out picking up Hayden for work (which is around 10pm) I was hungry – so I stopped and got a McDonalds Happy Meal (because I had points for it) and a double cheeseburger. I know I shouldn’t have gotten the burger – it wasn’t even that great because the burger was burnt. Reflection here is key and I will keep that in mind going forward. Don’t eat what you are not enjoying – I know that’s hard sometimes when you feel like you don’t want to waste your money, but sometimes an unsatisfying meal is not worth saving the cost. The small happy meal would have been find on it’s on.

And that’s how I ended my 7th day of getting myself back on track. I can’t say it was a great finish, but it also could have been worse.

I think the one take away here is that my water intake really sucks. I really have to keep working on it.

Monday (November 18) DAY 8 and the start of week 2!

Started off strong, but the evening didn’t go as planned.

Breakfast – Overnight Oats ( Greek yogurt, apple, vanilla almond milk, and oats) & coffee

Lunch – Chef Boyardee Ravioli, Salad (lettuce, cherry tomatoes, mushrooms, goat cheese, pecans, and balsamic dressing), and 1 small bag of chili Fritos.

Snack – Small bag of chili Fritos (another one) & 2 mini boxes of Milk Duds

                This snack was spread out through the rest of the day, but it really happened because work is slow and I got bored. ☹

Dinner – Zaxbys – Blue Buffalo Fried Chicken Salad & Ranch Chicken Fries appetizer

                I didn’t go home after work and hung out in my car waiting for Hayden to get off work so that’s why I didn’t eat at home. Two takeaways – I didn’t need both items, and I should have gotten the salad with grilled chicken. It’s clear I am still in the huge process of working on my relationship with food.

I think if I had made a post about Sundays eating it may have made an impact on my meal choices last night – only because it would have had my accountability more in the forefront of my mind.

TBH – I even thought about skipping posting about my eating, but that is the whole point of coming back and trying to get myself together.

As, I said in my previous posts – I am on the “baby steps” route and I have only just started. Just need to keep on going and thinking.

My next post will be a reflection of the first week – to help put things into perspective.

If you made it to the end and read all of this thank you!

[training4hogwarts]

She did the same for me!

Hello everyone. I used to be a fitblr named Grandenoirceur. I’m thinking about coming back to the fold. @mystoryfortheaudienceoftheworld has inspired me to look at this hell site again.

[training4hogwarts]

[training4hogwarts]

[training4hogwarts]

Diet Coke is a very important component ❤️💚

Veggie stir fry over brown and wild rice with a Diet Coke! 🥕🍄‍🟫🫑🫚🥙 322 calories

[training4hogwarts]

"you're so distant" you literally made me feel like i wasn't important

[training4hogwarts]

Do you guys actually like me and think I’m cool or am I just annoying

[training4hogwarts]

I am at such a loss right now.

I feel like I’m going to be stuck fat and unhealthy the rest of my life.

I’m going to see a dietician on Friday. But I’ve already seen 3, I don’t know how it’s suppose to help.

I’m on Ozempic and still can’t lose. I can’t stop eating. I’m so close to giving up. ☹️

[training4hogwarts]

This weekend definitely didn’t go as planned. But next week is a fresh start. I have to remind myself that progress isn’t linear and everything will be okay!

I really need to make sure I take pictures of my food to create a daily post. It helps me so much with accountability.

So far, my biggest hurdle is making sure I eat 3 solid meals a day and not a bunch of snacks and not so filling food.

I feel so helpless and like such a failure. Because idk who I am without counting every calorie, weighing myself everyday… etc. but I know for me it’s such toxic behavior. Ugh.

[training4hogwarts]

i felt myself slipping with the m&ms. i actually put them away. but then i went straight for the chips and pretzels. i got halfway across the living room when i was like wtf am i doing.

I PUT THEM UP AND WENT UPSTAIRS AWAY FROM THE KITCHEN. YES! huge win today 💚

Day 2….

I don’t even wanna talk about today.

Breakfast was 2 oranges, 2 turkey sticks, and a yogurt.

Snack was 3 big tootsie rolls.

Lunch was a mini sub, steamed carrots, chocolate milk, and pears.

Snack was 3 more tootsie rolls, a handful of cheezits, a small handful of mint m&ms, 2 peppermint Andies

Dinner was a way to big portion of cheeseburger mac and 3 pieces of garlic bread.

Snack, i am shamefully munching on mini m&ms.

I so badly want to binge because i’ve been sick today, work was hell thanks to the full moon, and my teenager has done nothing but be disrespectful. ugh.

Tomorrow is a new day.