tracie69

[tracie69]

disconnected

for my whole life i’ve always been super invested in my friendships. i keep a pretty small circle but i’ll stay loyal to the select few forever.

once i became a mom, i knew the friendships i had would be different. i have some great friends so my circle didn’t really change.

although my friends are great- all of them, emphasis on the all of them, are super far away from having a family with kids. our conversations are always about who they’re dating or trying to date, who’s hot, concerts, the gym, and just things that i really don’t care about anymore....is that sad? i wanna be there for my friends and all, but it’s just hard keeping up with things that i don’t take part in. & i can’t talk to them about my mom life cause they won’t understand.

i’m happy to have my cousins and brother and sister in law to talk to about mom life. i love spending time with them & getting more than “damn that sucks. You’ll get through it” as a response. 🥴

But i can’t blame my friends for not getting it cause they’re not parents. and none of them will be for a while. so i’m out here befriending people at viv’s my gym classes and so far that’s going well haha

i will always make time for my friends & i’ll always plan things so we can all get together. i love them so much, it’s hard feeling disconnected to them. still trying to find a way back in. been making dinner dates with my friends lately and so far its been ok. glad we can bond over sports cause that’s really the only thing i care about now besides mom life. i don’t even listen to music anymore unless i have to make a set. ugh. idk.

[tracie69]

last year i tried having my own shows once a month. they were all so fun, but never came to the point of success. we never made money, if anything we lost money from doing the shows.

this year i decided to stop curating my own events (for now) and just get more gigs for myself so I can build a bigger fan base (? I can’t think of a better word). I’m playing at lock and key AND arena this summer. Time to get this bread and make new friends. Let’s get it.

[tracie69]

life is so much better now that PPD is done and over with. lately i’ve been waking up every morning content with everything. i’m literally living a stress free life rn and I think I’m gonna hold on to this as long as I can. I love my mans and I love my daughter. I have refound my love for my friends. Tbh, i was feeling kinda distant from everyone- but lately everything’s been outstanding. I think it’s cause I’m enjoying going out now instead of forcing myself to.

I haven’t posted on here in a while. My last post was “I wish i wasn’t depressed” and I’m nowhere near that person that wrote that. Life’s amazing right now and I feel so blessed every minute of everyday.

[tracie69]

i wish i wasn’t depressed lol

[tracie69]

can’t remember life before vivien.

that first month with vivien was honestly really tough. the hardest part was pretending that i had everything handeled- physically and emotionally.

waking up 4 times at night to feed her. being so exhausted from holding her all the time cause she doesn’t want to be put down. dealing with her reflux cause she threw up after every feeding. having to pump every three hours cause i wasn’t producing enough milk. my parents pushing all this unnecessary advice that i don’t need. being torn by believing everything I read on the internet.

that shit was rough. but viv is 10 weeks now.

she only wakes up once at night. when we put her down she can fall asleep on her own. she only spits up sometimes. I pump four times a day, only! and make so much milk that I have a weeks worth stashed in my freezer. my parents aren’t pestering me anymore and help out whenever I ask. I stopped believing everything I read on the internet 😂

I got two weeks left of maternity leave. Imma miss getting paid 70% of my paycheck every week just by hanging out with my daughter.

[tracie69]

I honestly thought “my person” was a weird thing to call someone. I understand the meaning but I never thought of calling anyone “my person” until I had my daughter. She is everything to me. Even though she can’t really see me yet, I know the connection we have it unmatched. She notices when I walk in the room. She hates sleeping on her back unless I’m next to her and when she sleeps she likes to keep one hand on me. I love knowing I’m her person. She’s growing right in front of my eyes and I’m cherishing every moment I have with her. I love her so much.

[tracie69]

i am never fucking with hoes ever again. 

[tracie69]

simba: i ran away from home

timon: that’s so sad pumbaa play hakuna matata

[tracie69]

help

[tracie69]

sleeeeepy

I’ve been working full time for almost 3 weeks now and I think I’m gonna go back to working part time lol. Probably by the end of july, i’m fucking tired. 

I’ve been leaving my debit card at home, bringing lunch from home, and carpooling with my mom everyday! I’ve saved so much money doing this. I should’ve been doing this from the beginning. I only spend money on Saturday and Sunday now which is crazy to me lol. also 7 months into my pregnancy, i’m still surprised at how much money i’ve been saving from not buying weed and alcohol every week. I was spending like at least $80 a week on that. 

Which also makes me think about me smoking and drinking again......LOL

I’m saving my first alcoholic beverage postpartum for Alesso in October! I’m so excited for Alesso cause everyone’s going!!!!! And I’ll probably smoke weed for the first time at Coachella 2019. lmao, idk we’ll see. I don’t miss it as much as I thought I would. I do when I smell it tho ngl. But those days where I would smoke an eighth in a day are for sure over LOL. 

I think the only thing i truly miss is raw fish. i think about poke and sushi every single day. it’s rough out here. 

Also, Vivien’s movements are SO STRONG now. It’s hard to fall asleep. Staying asleep is no problem for me cause i’m so tired, it’s just falling asleep that’s hard???? she likes to do this things where she starfishes. hand and legs spread out hitting whatever she can inside me at the same time. 

but it’s nice knowing she’s moving around. I get nervous when she’s quiet. 

[tracie69]

“Healing is layers. Healing is time. Healing is excruciating. Once you think it’s done, it’s not.”

— Mary DeMuth

[tracie69]

update

So now that I’m working full time, I don’t feel as sad anymore. Chilling at home, doing nothing isn’t as great as if seems. Being able to interact with patients, families, and coworkers really makes me happy. Keeping myself busy takes away all the stress I’ve been feeling as a pregnant lady. My boss doesn’t leave me with a lot of work anymore so I spend most of my time talking to my coworkers and eating LOL. Plus working here is great exercise! I walk a lot and get my 5000 steps in everyday. PLUS THE PAY IS GR8. My paychecks are back in the four digits again :)

All the shit I’m trying to do this summer is really expensive. Summer activities are just expensive af. That’s why I really can’t understand how people my age can just do nothing all summer. Like how do you not have a job (if you’re not in school). SECURE DA BAG. CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY. DO THE MOST.

I have so much to look forward to before my baby arrives. Especially maternity leave LOL.

[tracie69]

When one of your customers spanks your ass

[tracie69]

Me and my mutuals logging tf in

[tracie69]

[tracie69]

14 MORE WEEKS

I’m so excited.

[tracie69]

Season 1 / Season 7 (Honeymooon)