toulouselotek-blog - Tumblr blog

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[Drawing of a blue seal saying “I know you think you’re too much, but you’re not. You’re amazing and it’s amazing that you are so completely yourself all the time. There is no such thing as too much when it comes to you. You shine brightly and that’s a good thing. You deserve to be yourself as visibly as you want.” in a yellow speech bubble.]

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My father: It's 10PM, have u eaten your dinner?

Me: Umm. Some bread this afternoon.

My father: Get something to eat, be it a banana or a glass of milk...

Me: I'll just have milk I guess

Life: As if. Here are your cigarettes

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besok ujian mekflu empat bab dan aku udah nyicil dua bab dari tiga minggu yang lalu tapi aku udah lupa apa aja yang kutulis dan kukerjakan dan semua keos dan aku kesepian pedahal aku dah diajak belajsr bareng berkali22 tapi mbok piye aku ni emang sampah blas udah ditawarin malah ogah ogahan asu lalu pagi ini aku ngabisin sampoerna mild dan knapa rokok yg satu ntu bikin pala saya pusing pedahal garpit biasa aja???????????????? trus aku kemaren ketemu temen yang duly sekelas pas tpb dan dia tanya knapa aku ga kasitau dia kalo aku dah balik ke bandung trus kujawab, "emang perlu?" ya mbok masa aku bikin announcement aku dah balik, tapi kayanya kata kataku tadi bikin sakit hati dan aku semakin bingung

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wah dah lama nga nongol disini

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i tried to kill myself yesterday, i swallowed 18 pills of clobazam and i didn’t die. HOW??????????? i can’t walk properly and i feel so dizzy. i’m skipping class, my psychiatrist called me three times and i didn’t pick up. my mother texted me and asked whether i was fine, i said everything was alright. i don’t want to cause trouble anymore, my parents have lots of things to think about and my dad’s company isn’t going well. i want to die, please

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dingin, haus, lidahku kering walaupun aku sudah minum, tenggorokanku sakit, flu berhari hari, kepalaku pening, tadi pagi gak jadi mati, sudah gak minum obat beberapa hari, ternyata masih ada satu biji, kuminum dan gak ada bedanya, aku mau nangis semalaman

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i think im going to kill myself today for real. im sorry for being such a bitch. i didnt know where i was going in life, i felt worthless all the time, uni was a chaos, everyone seemed to know what to do with life and was excellent at it, and i didn’t know what i really want. i was (and still am) reckless and irresponsible and im sorry. 

to my parents: im sorry that im a shame. im sorry for all the money, time, and energy you spent to raise a worthless shit like me. im sorry i never fill up your expectations. im not a good kid like you want me to and i slack off. i always blame things to you even though you work hard all day all night to pay my bills and tuitions. i thought dropping out of college may save your money a little, because i was hopeless, my academic was getting worse and i had no future at all. im sorry i get mad a lot, im sorry im emotionally unstable almost all the time. even after all these, i love you and i never get a chance to say to because im too overwhelmed by my anger. i love you even though i know i wont be able to be good to you, to be someone you want me to. im sorry i didnt live my life the way you taught me to. i told you that i didnt want to marry for the rest of my life, it was not because i was a rebel, i was just too afraid of ruining someone’s life. im sorry for the fact that im your daughter and soon im not going to heaven and youre going to be questioned by god, why. its not your fault, im like this because i just am. im sorry things are messed up and you get physically and mentally frustrated because of my own well being. i just dont know myself and ive been telling myself to hang in there because im gonna find myself soon, but apparently shit happens. im sorry mom i shouted to you last night, i was crying on the roof and i didnt know what was getting into me, i was so annoyed by the sound of the cars, the lamps of the streets, i was annoyed by myself, and everything. im sorry that im not beautiful like you. im sorry dad i become like this. i hate myself more than you do. im sorry that you have a child like this. i know im a burden and im sorry. and i cant teach you autocad like i promised you this morning, im sorry. im sorry that im a girl and i cause you guys trouble a lot. i know killing myself would make me suffer in hell, but i hate seeing everyone suffer because of me everyday. its another hell.

to keket n the girls: im sorry i cant hang on. im grateful for your existence and i hope you do well in life. i know you will. thanks for listening to my rants daily. thanks for lighting up my high school years, lol i was hardly sad back then.

to mepi: thanks for being there, i know youre struggling too and i hope i dont trigger you or something like that. dont worry about your gpa, i know youre smart as hell. i hope you get better and heal even though we do know that life is suffering and the suffering never ends. but suffering mentally is horrible and i wish you get to eat normally, sleep normally, and talk normally.

to nibras: i know, we’re not that close and such but i know things have been hard for you for the past few years and i hope you settle in quickly in jogja. im sorry that im a bore. youre going to be a renowned artist, i know you will. im thankful that i know you. send my love to fauziah. im sorry i can no longer teach her. im sorry i used you to find an escape from myself. i used to tell myself that i liked you to create some form of happiness in my own mind, and i know its toxic.

to evrie n alya: im sorry im dumb and i pass all my pain to my surroundings. im sorry im self centered, thanks for being my friend in uni. evrie, dont be me and be yourself even though i know youre struggling to create an alternate version of yours. youre talented and smart. alya, thanks for being there even though i know you have so much shit to think about. good luck in uni.

to ule n hana: im sorry i cant win over myself. im sorry i didnt respond to your text a lot, please have a good time. im stressed out just by seeing you get pressured by yourself. youre smart, your gpa is excellent, you have so much things in you that i really, really want to be you. pleasepleaseplease: be good to yourself.

to zae n aldrin: thanks for listening to me when i called you on the phone even though all i did was cry.

to kak happy: thanks for being a big help, sukses dengan tacit! sorry i asked for advices a lot.

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tadi pagi tiba tiba kawan lamaku ke rumah nganterin makanan DOANG, aku buka pintu, kaget dan bilang makasih. dia ada acara habis ini katanya, akupun lega karena kondisiku saat ini lagi agak sulit untuk bincang2 dan cerita ttg kabar diri sendiri tanpa meledak dan bikin dia kepikiran. setelah aku bilang makasih dan dadah dadah, dia peluk aku erat erat dan aku gak tau mesti gimana. aku benar benar kangen dia, dan dia dari kemarin ngajak aku hang out cuman akunya ya bgitulah ha ha. aku rasa aku udah lama skali gak merasakan hangatnya pertemanan, dan pas tadi pagi aku sgt sgt bersyukur aku pernah kenal dia. dari kelas 3 smp, lalu di SMA, meskipun gak pernah sekelas, tapi tiap hari ketemu karena berangkat dan pulang bareng (bahasa kasarnya, dia ojekku). aku juha sering mikir, apa aku kaget ya pas kuliah gak ada teman yang se reliable itu dan karena terlalu biasa apa apa bareng dia pas SMA. ntahlah, yang pasti aku bersyukur pagi ini dia datang.

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aku baru saja memberanikan diri ngirim pesan ke orang karena ingin nanya dan orangnya jawab jutek sekali dan AAAAH ASU aku jadi bingung apa sksd banget apa gimana ya apa ha ha ha tai ah yang begini nih yang triggering dan prozacku tinggal dua kapsul dan apakah harus kutambah lorazepam untuk malam ini karena anjir cuma kepikiran gini doang makin cemas asu apa semua orang benci dan jiji sama aku ah tai lah aku salah bener dan salah mulu dan salah salahan ah taiiiii sesak banget anjir tau gitu aku tidur dari tadi sore tapi aku harus sembahyang kalo ngga nanti dimarahin ya ha deh aku mau nangis aja da tapi ada adikku lagi nonton anime fak sesak banget mau meledakKKKKKKKKK

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asu, tai semua, uda tingkat dua dan masi gatau mau jadi apa, ambyarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRR w mendekam di utan aja

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pagi ini aku marah sekali sama diri sendiri. tiba tiba aku kepikir potong rambut. dan kulakukan sampai habis tanpa melihat cermin dan bahkan aku sdh tdk peduli mau gimana lagi. mungkin kalau aku bisa botak sdh kulakukan skrg jg. aku betul betul marah dan ntah sampai kapan akan terus begini. aku benar benar ingin mati

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this is indeed a hard day. it's hard to breathe and my heart's attempting to beat its way out of my rib cage. everyone i see is staring at me like i'm a creature they've never seen, i couldn't answer my lecturer's questions even though i was sure i had memorized the materials before. everythinh went blank and i haven't talked to any of my friends irl. this is terrifying & i'm scared tomorrow things won't change for good

26/08/2017

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kelas termo hari ini selesai jam tiga sore. aku duduk-duduk sambil cari colokan, dan numpang ngisi daya baterai hp. ada janji setelah maghrib, kumpul-kumpul sama alumni sma yang di itb. dari jam empat sampai maghrib, aku duduk-duduk di selasar salman, lihatin kucing lewatin tempat sembahyang dengan santai dan gemulai. lihatin brosur sekolah pranikah di atas kotak amal. lihatin perkumpulan anak sma yang sepertinya belajar bersama. lihatin sekumpul ukhti-ukhti belajar tilawah. aku cuma ngeliat, ngeliat, dan bengong.

trus, aku kepikiran mati dan hal-hal yang aku lakukan tanpa ada benarnya sama sekali. asu sekali! aku cari di google kalau mati dengan minum bleach gimana, ternyata kalau gagal juga merugikan orang-orang. ha. ga usah deh. lalu aku ketemu teman dan ikut kumpul-kumpul alumni sma di eatboss dago. menyenangkan, dan banyak orang-orang baik dan ramah, aku pun banyak bicara, sudah lama sekali aku gak seramai itu. adik-adiknya kompak. semoga mereka gak kena virus arogansi di kampusku yang aneh ini. he he, ya gitu lah. jam sebelas malam baru pulang dan rasanya agak senang, gak kebayang kalau beberapa jam sebelumnya aku kepikiran kematian.

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Little illustration of a flyer for a japanese literature special and the 120 years of friendship of Chile and Japan 

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malam ini aku tiba-tiba merasa malas balik ke bandung. kukira aku sudah nyaman dgn kosanku yg rangkap studio dan berantakan-berantakannya, dan rasa sepi dan segalanya. tapi sepertinya tuntutan-tuntutan bakal nabrak aku sebentar lagi, berbagai macam panggilan dari himpunan dan entah untuk berapa kali lagi aku mesti berbohong cuma biar gak dicatat namanya. makin kesini aku rasa orang-orang makin maju di hidupnya dan aku terus-terusan begini tanpa menyelesaikan sesuatu yang pada awalnya kumulai sendiri. teman-temanku di bandung satu persatu betah sama lingkarannya masing-masing, kegiatan yang menyita waktunya, dan masa depan yang makin kelihatan arahnya. 

yang satu sibuk karena kepanitiaan dan memang aktif banget anaknya dimana-mana, yang satu lagi entah kenapa kurasa dia nggak begitu suka sama aku, ada lagi yang sekarang agak jauh karena sudah sibuk kerja dan berpacar. bahkan teman dekatku pas sma yang sekaligus penghuni kamar sebelah semakin jauh jaraknya, dia terlalu sering di luar dan aku terlalu sering ngendok di kamar. mungkin karena semakin kesini semakin terlihat kalau kita bertolak belakang. dan beberapa teman lainnya yang aku pun gak tahu mereka menganggapku teman atau bukan. 

tahun lalu persis, aku senang aku diterima di itb (pilihan utk kuliah di itb bisa dibilang tanpa pikir panjang) karena aku bisa tinggal di bandung dan kukira aku bisa berteman dengan seseorang yang kukenal di internet saja awalnya. akhirnya memang berteman walaupun ngga tau dia mau nganggep aku atau ga, tapi rasanya sedih juga sekarang dia mau pindah ke jogja. sesingkat itu.

sepi sekali dan sepertinya aku akan terus tertinggal tanpa merasa cocok dimana-mana. aku diajak pameran di omnispace, tinggal kasih gambar yang sudah pernah kubuat sih sebenarnya. tapi aku betul-betul minder dengan orang-orang nyeni dan sebagainya. di jurusan pun, aku gak seambisius dan sepintar yang lain. emang kalau manusia setengah jadi kayak gini mestinya idup di goa aja deh...