totallypatrick

[totallypatrick]

long time no see. i’m back after many years of not posting. i read all of my past posts and am glad to report that i have indeed grown up a little since then. but i also did google why i want to die every day about an hour ago so my day-to-day struggles are still in the same arena of depression they have always been. i guess the fight for priority left existentialism in the top position - eating disorder and self harm have lost their places on the leaderboard. thankful for that. i’m in a new relationship now, after having been in a few pairings with people that i had varied feelings towards. honestly happy that we didn’t capture any weird writings about a certain man i met that i got way too infatuated with. is it wrong to still think of past crushes? i do it all the time. i wonder if my boyfriend does it, too. if he does, i wouldn’t like to know about it. that doesn’t stop me from being curious, though. if he’s thinking about other girls, who are they? what are their names? have i met them before, and what about them makes them so charming that he can’t help but think of them again and again? every answer to every question would devastate me. thank god i can’t read minds - i definitely would have had an even harder time existing on this planet with an ability like that. as of late i’ve made it a goal to romanticize my life. i’m now sort of putting together that my version of romanticizing my life is just being extremely toxic in secret. writing about my desire to die, my unhappiness, random grievances, and creating an image of my private side is incredibly indulgent for me. it makes me feel alive and in ownership of myself. instead of being afraid of this and where it will take me, i’m going to try and embrace it. i miss feeling like i owned my thoughts and feelings - nowadays (and for the last few years, really) i’ve been very focused on becoming healthier and improving my cognition. it’s been quite helpful but really has put a damper on my imagination. the logical and well-rounded approach doesn’t leave much room for romance or fantastic thinking and that’s what i feel i need.  hoping to make this a habit so i can be more in touch with myself. to satisfy my left side brain, i’ll say that this is a form of shadow work. it’s funny because writing is a left side brain thing and it’s the only way i’ll get connected to my emotions and shit. feels good not having to be coherent here - not many life updates or exposition, just feelings and musings from my head to my fingers. thanks 

[totallypatrick]

“My father used to say, “Don’t raise your voice. Improve your argument.”

— Archbishop Desmond Tutu (via locsofpoetry)

[totallypatrick]

i can't find it within me to dislike the things that hurt me. life doesn't feel right unless i'm struggling and doing something i don't want to do. i hate realizing how scarred i am. i've always been sensitive, nothing has changed.

[totallypatrick]

i feel like i melt into you when we're together in love and i never feel that way with anyone else and i fucking hate it

[totallypatrick]

progress shot 1

[totallypatrick]

生きてる理由が全くわからへん

愛してた人は自己中

学校の勉強したくない

家族もみんなアメリカにいる

一緒に時間過ごしたい友達からは連絡がこない

薬飲んでないと考えが止まらへん

諦めたい

いっつも諦めたいのに永遠と我慢して生きて行ってる

なんて嫌な現実

なんて大変な人生

[totallypatrick]

craigslist love stories

[totallypatrick]

ppl who rnt nice to kids probs arent nice all around

[totallypatrick]

i feel like a broken person but i don't want to be this way. my body isn't a prison but unfortunately i am trapped by it. i should start doing things i love with my body; then i will probably feel more attached to it. perhaps i'll grow to love it for what it is. i'm sorry to my skin for cutting it countless times. i'm sorry to my organs and mind for starving it. it really doesn't deserve all this bad treatment. growing more mature means that i can see the places that must be fixed and i am equipped with the knowledge that i have the ability (though this glimmer of hope is faint) to alter my mindset to make myself content with what i have. unfortunately, being caught up in these thoughts leads me to the conclusion that i want nothing. but i must get rid of this recurring thought for it is impossible until death comes. thinking about the only certainty in my life won't bring me anywhere and is quite pathetic. i'm okay the way that i am and i can patch things up in order to build a headspace for myself where i can believe it to be true. i'd like a hug.

[totallypatrick]

it feels so fucking stupid to have to tell someone that they fucked you over because it’s so easy for them to say something along the lines of, “why didn’t you just leave when you knew it was that bad” i didn’t fucking know it was that bad bc i was underage and you mistook my caring nature and blind love for MATURITY you piece of shit!! the reason i’m able to call you out on your bullshit and finally put my foot down is because i matured! do not fucking ask me why i didn’t realize sooner because what you actually wanted was for me to never realize anything. it takes so much of my own pride away to have to clearly explain to you that i am a victim of your abuse

[totallypatrick]

feeling so empty that i've been abstaining from sexual acts. it isn't even a conscious effort, it's just been happening naturally. i feel like i need to make sure i'm still here though, so i force myself to partake in it every few days. what a strange shackle sex is to me.

[totallypatrick]

i feel so stranded and my boyfriend doesn't love me

[totallypatrick]

i'm unloved and it's pitiful and i refuse to let myself cry because i'm a victim.

the first two people i loved and had sex with are rapists in one form or another.

i am full of rage. i am livid. i am furious. and i am weak.

i wish to let my heart drain out.

someone who loved me existed, but i did not love them. i do not love them. if only i could choose who lit up my eyes and set fire in my heart. perhaps, then, i could find peace.

i have been in a haze for a day. outrage put a mirage on my lenses; i cannot see clearly or well. my body feels boiled; it is soft and malleable. my overheated brain is producing mush. the winter turns it to slosh.

trying to forget the fact that i feel worthless is paining me. putting it on the back burner creates the least pain, but when it hits me i have nowhere to turn to. nobody to turn to. it stabs me like an icicle. no evidence of who killed me to speak of, just evidence of the nature of the weapon.

times like these bring forth a mantra of poison.

only blood, only starving, only smoke, only death.

i want to live.

[totallypatrick]

i want to starve myself to get back at isaac

[totallypatrick]

i cut my arm for the first time in a while and it bled a lot but it's nothing to worry about. the cuts are quite shallow and small. i did it to motivate and remind myself that i am on a journey towards becoming who i want to be. i need to be thin. i will be skinny. skinnier than the rest.

[totallypatrick]

drew my loves today

[totallypatrick]

if i was actually enough for you then you'd never stray