totallynotapumpkindonut - Tumblr blog

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I swear to god one of these days were going to see a video of Amaury Guichon and he's going to be making some wings and they are going to look dope as hell, the detail of each feather will be breathtaking, he'll spray paint them to perfection, but as the video goes on, he's not building any sort of winged creature, just the wings. And then there's a human-sized harness (also made of chocolate, somehow, he can do it). And he's attaching the wings to the harness. And he's putting the harness on and he demonstrates how he can flap the wings. And then he'll be off. Out the window and up and up and up. And we'll be looking at the livestream (it's a livestream now) and we'll scream "No, Amaury, the sun! It's going to melt the wings!". But he knows this already. And he is free.

[totallynotapumpkindonut]

It wrinkles my brain that Jupiter’s moon Europa has oceans that are sixty miles deep, while Earth’s oceans only reach seven miles deep at most. I’m willing to bet good money that there’s life in Europa’s oceans. Like five bucks. You hear me, NASA? I bet you five bucks that there’s life on Europa… Now that there’s money and reputation on the line, I bet they send a mission there real quick.

[totallynotapumpkindonut]

Reminder that just because Trump sucked tonight that you still have to go out and vote. People watched the debates in 2016, thought trump did awful and Hillary killed it, didn’t vote, and you know the rest of the story.

Start planning to vote now! Trump is counting on you not doing so.

[totallynotapumpkindonut]

One of my favorite story tropes is when one person is too nervous to make the moves to another, and the other is very interested but at least equally clueless, and so just doesn’t notice.

[totallynotapumpkindonut]

McSweeney's: doing the lord's work

full listing here on the McSweeney's website: X

free .pdf version (it's really that long): X

[totallynotapumpkindonut]

When we were kids, we didn't have access to cool power tools. Every summer, when the soapbox derby race was coming, we'd break into my neighbour's garage while he was at work. Then, we'd use his drill press, lathe, table saw, all the fun tools. Over the course of a week, a race car was produced, which is more than the workshop ever made during the rest of the year.

Sure, we could have asked him if we could have borrowed his tools, but no doubt he would want to be there to supervise. And then he'd want to help. We'd never get done while we were busy indulging the suburb-tinged fantasies of someone who didn't take wood shop and chose instead to idly worship at the altar of Television Presents: The Fantasy of Bob Vila in adulthood.

One year, Old Man Garrett got a security system. Probably this was because Ted (fucking Ted) didn't clean up the sawdust that one time like we asked him to. The old man must have seen the footprint, and realized that he did not wear size-seven Nikes. Child thieves, casing his precious table saw! Now, our humble breaking-and-entering had become significantly more difficult than "reach a coat hanger under the door and pull the emergency release."

With the help of some of the high-school kids who were taking electronics class, we managed to defeat the security system. We did so using an ancient Japanese technique known as "distract Old Man Garrett while he's setting it, and then cut the wires to the panel." I think it loses something in translation, but you get the gist of it. That year's car was especially sweet.

In adulthood, I got drunk and bragged to some work buddies about our little scam. They responded in abject horror, because I was still occupying the weird hump in the middle of a normal distribution of "acceptable crimes." It was terrifying to them to see one of their own, one of the suburbanites, speak openly about largely-harmless property crimes. What if we had been hurt, they shrieked. Around the water cooler, I would become a pariah, unless I could make amends.

I did hunt down Old Man Garrett after that, still feeling the sting of rejection. He was still on the property, and he still had a beautiful collection of immaculate cabinet-making tools in the garage. I rang his doorbell and, when he answered, I told him the whole story. He laughed.

"I knew it was you dumb shits from the beginning," he bragged. "Fucking Ted -"

"Fucking Ted," I echoed, unconsciously.

"Fucking Ted left his library book on building race cars behind on the workbench that first year. You didn't let him drive, did you?"

I shook my head. "We ran the car into him if the hockey-stick brakes ever failed."

We had a good laugh about the whole thing that evening, and I returned to work with my soul cleansed. It's just a pity Ted didn't know how bad he actually was at crime, before he tried to knock over that liquor store and all.

[totallynotapumpkindonut]

Chinese weighlifter Li Wenwen successfully defended her title, winning the gold medal in the women's over 81kg category at the Paris Olympics on Sunday!

In her private life, the Li is actually a fan of traditional Chinese Hanfa.

(source)

(Saw this post on Facebook and loved it, and since Facebook always steals Tumblr posts, I figure I can do the reverse and steal this Facebook post)

[totallynotapumpkindonut]

I think a lot of people really haven't considered the unlimited opportunities of being able to just commission art. Like you can literally just pay someone money to have them make practically whatever you want for you. Like you could probably hire some smaller soft rock band to write you a song about some shitty couple who obviously hate each other but instead of just breaking up already they keep getting drunk and fighting about the same damn subjects over and over and over while the neighbours can do nothing but listen to their publicly broadcasted private grievances.

And then put your stereos against the wall and play it on a constant loop until your annoying neighbours pause and go "wait, is this song about us?"

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[totallynotapumpkindonut]

When a “funny” dude likes you and anytime he sees you anywhere he will be like “yoooo wassup it’s Jelissa!” (Or whatever) like “omg Miranda is here whaaaat” for literally no reason why do they do that

[totallynotapumpkindonut]

How to Monetize a Blog. I am taking very careful notes, so expect some big changes around here. Mind the vortex (vortext?) tho.

[totallynotapumpkindonut]

The way you explained the situation of the hospital shutting down also illuminates, I think, how you write horror the way you do.

Come to think of it, the villain in all my stories is always shortsighted profiteering and gross mismanagement...

[totallynotapumpkindonut]

when you go to bed tonight I promise you're going to have the best night's sleep of your life. you'll wake up feeling refreshed and you'll have a pleasant dream too, even if you don't remember your dream when you wake up

also, you don't have to interact with this post for it to work. in fact there's nothing you can do to stop this post from working

[totallynotapumpkindonut]

five recipes for an exciting life (in my opinion)

spending enough time creating things with your hands (baking, drawing, scrapbooking, doodling, crocheting, journaling and so on)

keeping track of things like pretty skies, milestones, happy memories, appointments you're looking forward to

listening to music that genuinely makes you feel happy and energetic

making a habit of reaching out to people in a way that's comfortable to you (i send my dad songs he might like, my friend sends me monthly life updates)

being kind to all your five senses → like investing in a scented candle or essential oil dispenser or body mist, having a soft blanket or socks (or a soft animal to pet), listening to birdsong or the rain, looking at the sky more often, and having your favorite foods enough times