tormentedbutnotdefeated

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

losing in london

so yea it’s been a while since i wrote anything here. im trying to be positive but the past year has been just complete crap. i did this msc programme at UCL which is supposedly a great school but the experience just hasnt lived up to the school’s reputation to say the least.

i think the following story prob will be a metaphor for what has occurred.

it was a few days after finals and i was in the reading room of the maths dept and was trying to begin working on my project but there were all these loud undergrads in there as well working on some presentation. this one girl comes up to mathilde to ask her for her email and name b/c theyre doing a project on fb privacy settings. and then she comes up to me for the same info as well. so i mean i guess if this is for a project it’s fine i thought.

later that evening some random guy says hi to me on fb and i dont think much of it b/c stranger things have happened. but yea the next day he asks if we can meet for coffee. so that one bit was a ruse to contact me. i mean was kind of cute, guess all young guys are kind of cute. but i was actually excited to meet someone new for a change at this stupid school.

we hung out a couple times and i thought it was going ok. the last time tho i think he thought i was coming down on him hard (b/c he was putting down american schools and got me defensive) or i dont know, maybe expected me to make a move on him or something, but i dont want to speculate on all that. he hasnt contacted me since tho even tho i said hi to him twice already.

so as strange as that may seem, it’s really sadly not unexpected for anyone i’ve met here in london. people seem to just come and go and no one takes any relationships they make here as something that will last it seems. people are no doubt polite on the surface, but no one wants to be your friend is what it feels like. or maybe i really am that repulsive.

so i’m not terribly surprised by this outcome. and just like how excited i was about attending ucl, my effort here has let me down as well. but you know, i think i have been through much more worse things in life and not going to let this experience discourage me. there are many people out there to meet and more opportunities i know that are waiting for me to grab.

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

a new day in london

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

beginning of summer 2016

been wanting to study for GRE, learn python, matlab and more real analysis. finally putting all that into action. going to start sleeping earlier and waking up earlier to workout and tackle the day. time to be the person i want to be.

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

friday night is study night

studying for a midterm in a class that im not even enrolled in. i guess if i do well on the midterm, i would enroll but it is so hard to focus right now when my mind is occupied by this guy. 

i know he isnt relationship material but i cant stop thinking about him. i wonder if i've ever had this effect on a guy. i have to tell myself if i want a relationship that that this guy is not it. 

he is great looking and seems like a decent guy but he isn't even out and he's still discovering himself i think (at least being gay and all). he's a recently divorced man!! i should give him space to figure all that out. 

but waiting for a text message from him sure does suck. he looked at my profile again recently, like what is all that about. checking up on me? checking to see if i've been online. hmmmmm so wierd. 

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

deja vu

so once again, i met a new guy through my friend, jack. wtf was i thinking right? this guy didn't even post a clear pic of himself but he did have a nice body. apparently, he told me that we had spoken at least a year ago but i never made an opportunity to meet him.

so when i saw him at our meet up place, peets coffee in irvine, i immediately thought "what was i thinking seriously FUCK!" this guy was fucking cute! 6 foot, with his hair and in great shape. and we actually had a nice conversation over iced coffees. he's a tennis coach and manages his own tennis clinics for juniors so different from the usual wham bam so long.  

of course when things start to seem positive, they always go downhill fast. his suggestion that we go for a walk, how sweet right?, turned into, how about we go for a drive? how could i deny this white knight a simple request. so off in his car we went. 

and yea i dont need to really clue you in on what happened next right? 15 mins later we were at his apt and he had unzipped my shorts revealing my lack of underwear that day. then he searched through his tools for a hammer and some pins. fuck if i know what happened then. he hammered those pins into my butt and then ball tortured me. yea, doesn't sound like much fun but i'd guess i would let him do anything to me. and then he fucked me bareback. he wasn't that hung, 6 cut, but damn it was fucking enjoyable. who says it needs to be 11 inches to feel good. he was aggressive about it and his body was ripped and amazing. i wanted his DNA in me so bad. 

after putting our clothes on, he had to print out a resume for some reason or another and i just sat in his apt for a bit. maybe he thought i was new "friend" bc he didn't get rid of me right away. 

after dropping me off at peets again and we parted ways, i thought wouldnt hear from him again for awhile, but lo and behold he texted me the next day saying we had to do a repeat. he seems to be hung up on this double penetration fantasy he has which i have too except i dont wanna fulfill that and then get tossed aside. he said that he was open to being friends but why is every convo about getting me fucked lol. 

of course i would need to fuck this all up b/c on saturday i was peeping on his fb and accidentally friended him and then unfreinded him and was caught. FUCK right???

but he still seemed to be interested in meeting up again for fucking of course. so we agreed to meet up on wednesday but now that that is 2 days away, he's saying that next week is better? i sense a player here ugh.

and like me, im stuck pining for his beautiful body and cock. fuck me!

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

so tired

i stayed up until 245am working on number theory homework last night. managed to finish all of it in one 24 hour period, seriously amazing but i need to work on that stuff ahead of time. i'm so fucking tired right now. 

i went to play tennis today but my opponent was a no show. so i drove to beverly hills pretty much for nothing. however, the cutest guy there talked to me for a bit. he is so fucking hot and he seems like a nice guy. sigh...

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

been listening to this song all weekend and now all day. keeping me in an upbeat mood through these past couple depressing days. if you clicked on an earlier post, then you know where i heard this song. 

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

what a fucking day

i stayed up until 2am reviewing problems for a 15 minute quiz today. then woke up at 6am without alarm assistance but decided to turn alarm off b/c i was feeling rather foolish and then overslept by an hour and a half. woke up at 730 and just bolted for the front door. luckily the traffic on the freeway wasn't so bad and i was only 30 minutes late and the quiz wasn't that hard altho i didn't get every question right FUCK!

and now i've got lots of math homework to do. no men but lots of numbers. wtf right?

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

usually skeptical of these shows, but this one is actually good

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

coffee date...my humiliation

today i went on this coffee date with this guy i was speaking to yesterday on that app that has been testing my self esteem...this guy is 29 and just recently took the california bar as he is a recent law school graduate. i wasn't really sure what to make of this b/c he seemed unwilling to give me his cell phone number even tho i had already given him my phone number and his profile photo was of him wearing sunglasses. but i went to the meet up place we agreed upon anyways. 

it didn't seem like he was there when i got there, but within a few minutes i saw him walking towards me. my initial reaction was, even though he's a tad on the shorter side at 5'7, he is def extremely attractive. and wow. 

however, once the conversation began, it just seemed a little forced with those momentary pauses that make it feel awkward, all the while i'm just thinking in my head, say something fuck say something jeez. he seemed way smart as well with his art history background and his law school studies on lgbt law. he spoke of how he never shops at target and avoids the big box stores, specifically target b/c of their past donations to the anti gay marriage initiative. but then i didn't call him out for his wearing of an abercrombie polo shirt for their past discrimination of employees of color. 

from there things just seemed to tail off. and i was beginning to feel ugly, yep my old lack of esteem just kicking in and kicking me right in the ass. 

so when it was time to pay, dude didn't even offer to foot the bill which was just 10 bucks. we split the damn thing even though i drove fucking 25 miles to get to the meet up spot where he just had to walk to. 

and then afterwards, there was no offer of come over for an afternoon pick me up either, sad so very sad. he left me with a hug and a "stay in touch". another hot guy falls through my grasp again. 

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

another year

time flies.  another year has come and gone.  whats surprising is how friendships can change over that time.  discovering who you're friends are and who you can count on.  plus, how your goals have changed as well as you get older and you feel like you're discovering what you want and getting closer to it.  this is life. 

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

england

i'm not really sure why but out of all the countries out there, the place i want to visit the most is england.  i just gravitate towards there for some reason.  maybe its b/c i grew up listening to oasis, and my favorite movie is 28 days later, and keira knightley.  but i just want to go see the green pastures, stonehenge, london, english blokes.  hopefully it'll happen next year.  just bring my backpack, camera, some clothes and go. alot of people when they go visit foreign places, they try to do so much at once.  i just want to visit england over a week or two and embrace it. see the countryside, city, and just eat the place up. saving money now!

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

being productive

my attempt to leave work early and get home by 6 so i could be productive resulted in doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom.  i was meaning to study and work on some writing.  oh well.  

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

the guy helping me at the diesel store asked me if i read books when i was paying for the boots.  i said yes, and he gave me this book.  i saw the trailer for this so i guess i'm going to read it since it seems like the kind of stuff i do read.  the guy helping me pointed out that he was wearing the same boots i was buying.  my roommate says he was hitting on me.  that's nice i guess.  

[tormentedbutnotdefeated]

so tired

today i woke up at 12:30pm.  yes thats late, but it was b/c i didnt sleep until 4am working on a pointless story.  thus, i haven't been meeting my goal.  after working on my pointless story some more i went to the mall to browse.  yes for the first time in awhile i bought something pretty pricey, these boots from the diesel store.  they were 30% off b/c of this 1 hour only sale which i was surprised to find not many people knew about b/c the store wasn't that crowded.  that's too bad b/c the store at the beverly center is one of friendliest diesel stores.  

there was so much i couldve bought but i didnt.  the new me partially won out today.  i did get an eye cream to get rid of the dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping on time.