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A song came on at the gym that I haven’t heard in years and I felt like I needed to share this message. The following are part of the lyrics to a song that the person who took control of my life for 2 years dedicated to me. He didn’t dedicate it to me in a mean way, he truly genuinely dedicated it to me as “our song” because he said it was so similar to his feelings. He truly heard the song and felt that it showed love.

“Drop to my knees and I'm pleadin' I'm tryin' to stop you from leavin'

You won't even listen so fuck it, I'm tryin' to stop you from breathin'

I put both hands on your throat

I sit on top of you squeezin' til I snap ya neck like a popsicle stick

Ain't no possible reason , I could think of to let you walk up out this house and let you live”

This was my life. I wasn’t “Allison” I was his. My time was his. My money was his. My car was his. And I was trapped. I was pregnant. I was scared. I felt alone with a circle of supportive friends. Even with my amazing support system that I still have today, I felt alone. I couldn’t bring my mouth to form the words that needed to be said. I couldn’t “just leave” because when you’re in it, you fear the aftermath. Because you’ve tried the leaving thing but made it a block before you disguised it as “ I was just running to the store.

You couldn’t “just leave” because everything you had was now his. He knew where you’d go and if he didn’t he would somehow find out and hurt you.

You couldn’t “just leave” because the threats of taking your baby felt real. You were 19 years old and didn’t know better. And it felt like you had a responsibility to your baby to stay.

You couldn’t just leave because your friend said so. You couldn’t just leave because it was best for you. You couldn’t. Because when you were there you were stuck. You were stuck mentally. Physically. Controlled and beaten down both physically and mentally.

I learned how to wear scarves during this time in my life. Because it was better trying to explain a scarf in 50 degree weather than it was the handprint shaped bruises on your neck.

I learned how to lie well. How to get out of things because he didn’t want to go and he didn’t want me to. I learned how to lie well when I had to explain the reason I had to be seen in the ER. To make sure myself and my growing baby were alright. I learned how to look happy when you demanded to go to the gender ultrasound with me when we found out my baby was a girl.

My point is. Try to be understanding. Be there for her. Or him. If they can’t leave. If they won’t. Do not push them away. Do not get angry with them. They need you now. If this is you. You can leave. You are strong enough. You will be alright .

#domesticabusesurvivor