tophatmagic

[tophatmagic]

05AUG2022

I forgot what it was like to be uncomfortable.

I built this solitude up, brick by brick.

Shunned away from inconvenience and change.

I was safe but ignorant.

Naive.

In life, there are pivots that you take.

Sometimes expected.

Sometimes without warning.

Dramatic change…

And in these pivotal moments, everything changes.

People talk about how, ”When one door closes, another opens.”

But no one talks about the hallway in between those doors.

Limbo.

And sometimes that hall way isn’t healthy conditioning. Sometimes it’s dark and lonely, and confusing.

Sometimes you’re lost in the dark and scared of making a decision. You build and save, protect yourself and those closest to you from what could be on the outside because all you know is how safe the inside is.

And sometimes… you’re just fucking wrong.

The transition is just as important as the door closing. Just as needed as the door opening.

Dramatic change. Pivotal moments in life.

That’s what makes life worth living.

Setting up camp and building my walls as high as they could go, while peering at everyone from my favorite watch tower isn’t being alive.

I’m opening a new door and I’m terrified.

But on the other side is a better man. A better father.

I don’t have the luxury of time anymore. Each day I watch the waist of this hourglass process more and more sand.

No peep hole. No knocking.

I swallow my pride and count the steps as I go.

I am not in control of everything.

But I am going to control what I can.

[tophatmagic]

15DEC2022

Something about a dark green top on a woman with red or brown hair.

Reminds me of wet trees.

I know that probably sounds odd, but it’s appealing to me.

[tophatmagic]

29DEC2022

There are points in life that I dumbly title, ‘Turning Points.’

Literally a point in your life where you change trajection.

These points in time aren’t foreseeable.

You do not get to decide where you are going.

Or when they occur.

You see, hear, or experience a new event or an experience you’ve encountered countless times before.

Only this specific instance, your perception is altered.

The glass is broke.

You can’t go back.

And for the rest of your days, it’ll never be the same again.

And what I title, ‘parallels,’ (that is, everything associated to said, ‘turning point event’ and everything attached to said associations.) begin to shift and change. And life feels new again. At least surrounding the specific event.

With a big enough turn, more parallels are effected, meaning a greater change in life.

Positive or negative depends on the change, however… it was meant to be, so I believe it should always be perceived in a positive notion.

And despite you being able to process the change and understand that life will never be the same, a small portion of your conscious mind is altered and set in a new direction without your permission.

It’s fascinating.

It goes along with content I’ve been getting into recently regarding our scale of reality vs. level of consciousness.

Like where fate is created, how destiny manifests, and how little control we (theoretically) have in our timeline. (Illusion of free will.)

[tophatmagic]

18FEB2023

Random memory I had today.

There was this time in high school, during Valentine’s Day, where I couldn’t afford gifts and chocolate, so I took what I had at home, and made my high school sweetheart a paper weight heart made out of notebook Paper-mâché with hair gel as the adhesive.

It wasn’t pretty. And I knew it wasn’t pretty, but it was something ya know? And I felt good that I was delivering SOMETHING.

Looking back, it’s a damn good example on how my brain works.

I have an idea, and the second my brain hints or humors it, I run with it. Like… a full on sprint.

I don’t disregard it as negative until the reaction comes in. Like when I speak, I speak from my heart and mind, like an open tube regurgitating every thought within seconds of thinking it. And it’s either a laugh, agreement, or disgust. It’s fun to wait and see what comes first sometimes.

I can get myself in trouble though, and my intention is often lost in the sauce, but I can’t call it a negative trait, because it’s made my life interesting.

I enjoy being this way more than I dislike it.

That hair gel heart paper weight doesn’t make me cringe, it was from a hopeful romantic who wanted to please his love. And although weird, smelly, and ugly, it’s still something I’m proud of myself from producing.

[tophatmagic]

10MARCH2023

Amor Fati.

‘Love of Fate’ or ‘Love of One’s Fate.’

Something I find interesting, is how this concept has been my philosophy for most of my life, despite only learning of it in the last couple years. (Through Nietzsche’s work.)

What interests me more, is how, at any given time, I could’ve incorporated so many other concepts and aspects into my life to alter that philosophy, and be a completely different person entirely.

I believe Amor Fati is a large slice of my being. Entangled and woven into what is my existence.

Only… not intentional, at least, consciously.

Lately, I’ve been interested in the ‘illusion of free will,’ and how, in certain circumstances, that illusion is more obvious than others.

Through science, we now know that specific neurons fire faster than any given action can take place, that the brain begins to ramp up before a conscious decision takes place. Meaning that the decision could’ve been created somehow and someway from our subconscious and not intentionally, at least, consciously.

Our perception is that we are in control, but on this level, in my opinion, it’s equivalent to the lungs expanding to breath, or the heart contracting to pump.

You can think about it, but are you in control of it?

It’s deeper than I intended, but every level we descend to learn more, we find a reason upon a reason that lives within a fraction of time ahead of us.

I like to humor the soul is the data being processed in a physical reality, and this is the delay we observe, but then I think on quantum entanglement.

So what is the delay? And where is the source?

When I think about my life, I am thankful for every pain and hardship I’ve had to face, because it is proof that I am existing in some way or another. And to experience existence, as far as I know, is the highest gift imaginable. Which in-turn, makes me accept and accept any hardship and pain in my future.

But when I reach this blockade in my mind, I think about all the little reactions and actions that’ve came about for me to even fire a neuron to produce the thought to produce the energy to produce the blood movement to produce the muscle movement to produce my bone and finger to move to type a single word you’re reading at this very milli-second.

It’s like, so many things have to happen in perfect turn for this to all happen as it is.

And I don’t know, there’s just not a chance in hell it’s not all connected in some crazy and extremely fascinating way that I cannot explain.

And this is why I have no choice but to believe this way, because on this level, I appear in control, but every level deeper, the reactions needed to maintain that image increase, and at some point, the ratio becomes too absurd to continue fabricating the idea of ‘free will.’

Amor Fati. Because we don’t have choice.

[tophatmagic]

08APRIL2023

Had an epiphany today while at the Dollar Store picking up AAA Batteries for Arkham’s plasma ball.

An older guy walked in just before me, I noticed that he was looking at me odd, kinda slowed down when he noticed that I too was going in.

I matched my pace with his though, so that he could enter first.

We entered and split ways.

I subconsciously went to the fridge section because I normally stop here to pick up tea or milk if we’re out at home for the kiddos.

As I walk toward where I assume the batteries are located, I see the Little Debbie snack cakes, Zebra Cakes. I pick up a box because the kids like them and don’t really have any snacks aside from Oreos.

Carrying the Zebra Cakes and walking to the assumed battery location, a woman on her phone is blocking my path, completely unaware that I exist and am trying to get past her for batteries.

I shrug and decide to take a long way because I’m off work and aren’t in a rush of any kind.

The gentlemen I met upon entry is down the aisle, I go to politely move past him and mutter, ‘Pardon me sir.’

He steps back, waits for me to pass, and then says, ‘Well I haven’t felt that old in awhile.’

‘I didn’t mean anything of it, trying to be respectful’ I say, trying to continue walking.

I keep walking and he continues trying to talk.

It’s awkward for me now because suddenly I feel rushed, I don’t want to take time out of my day to have conversation with an old guy that I don’t know.

He tries multiple times to create conversation and I block all attempts while still trying reach my objective.

I reach the batteries, use self check out and leave.

On the drive home, the guys demeanor stays on my brain. As I kept blocking all attempts in conversation, when I finally left the aisle, his shoulders dropped and head went down.

In the moment, I didn’t think or notice this.

But on the drive home, I thought of all the people I encounter at work as well, they do the same stuff.

And it wasn’t until just now, where I rewatched that clip of The Joker, where Joaquin Phoenix is trying to talk to his ‘assumed’ father, ‘Bruce Wayne’ when I think about why these things are similar.

Everyone needs someone to talk to.

Everyone needs someone.

Whether the guy was or wasn’t in need of conversation, here I am thinking about him now.

At work, it’s difficult because I have customers piling in line or multiple tasks to do, I can’t spend time talking too much. I talk more than I should already if I’m being honest.

But like… there are people out there… that are different… or old, or alone… that go out and the conversations they have with people like me, a retail worker, may be the only interactions they have.

I often think to the guy that jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, and how he said, the whole walk there, he just wanted one person to acknowledge him, just one ‘Hello’ or ‘Hey, How’s it going?’

Some days I see these people as weak.

But tonight, my empathy runs high and I just feel sorry and shitty.

Everyone needs someone in their life to wonder how they’re doing.

[tophatmagic]

14SEPT2023

Last night, I dreampt of her again.

It felt like months went by, although I only slept for 6 hours.

We met up and hung out doing nothing and everything.

As we parted ways, I asked her 6 questions while staring at the ground.

I wish I would’ve looked up.

But I didn’t.

We agreed I had to go and she had to stay.

It interests me to no end how this relationship works. I knew what was going to happen.

How did I know?

I closed my eyes and slowed my breathing.

I should’ve met her eyes one more time.

I exhaled and opened my eyes to a ceiling that wasn’t mine.

As reality came into focus, I allowed my mind and body time to come back, laying there for half an hour dwelling on the experience.

‘She’s not real,’ I told myself, ‘Only a projection.’

Now I’m stuck with a busy mind for the better part of the day, questioning what purpose does this projection serve my survival? How did I know I was waking up? Am I really THIS lonely?

Why didn’t I look up one more time?

I miss someone I’ve never known, and all I can do is add this memory to the list of times it’s happened before.

[tophatmagic]

13AUG2023

I lied to myself last night, now everything has a blue hue to it.

Not like sadness, more like when you open your eyes after laying out on a sunny day.

Swinging in the hammock, staring where the sky shakes hands with the tree line. The wind creating the effect of affirmation.

On my lunch lately, I’ve found myself driving to the highest point in town in an attempt to find the same handshake miles away.

The skyline blending against the trees.

Whether close or far away, the feeling is the same.

One day I’ll see the sun rise there.

One day I’ll get caught in a storm I saw coming from miles away.

One day I won’t lie to myself.

[tophatmagic]

A friend of mine made this. I find it beautiful and wanted to share.

[tophatmagic]

I met a woman again in my dreams.

In a group of friends I’ve never known, we held each other like lovers, the comfort I felt with her was a nostalgic reminder of what love with someone was like.

It felt so real. Like my mind saved the emotions experience from past relationships when they were fresh, before the problems, and projected them in dream form.

[tophatmagic]

We kissed.

And it was only numb.

No sparks.

No satisfaction.

No cure for what ails me.

She wasn’t you.

I pulled away and leaned my chair back, crossing my arms.

‘Is everything okay?’ She asked.

I looked at her, then turned to my window, laughing nervously.

‘I am lost, if I’m being honest.’ I stated.

Trying to fully comprehend where I was, what I was doing, and what I was about to say, ‘This isn’t me, but it IS at the same time.’

‘You aren’t her,’ I thought.

I explained that I don’t want to be negative, but I hadn’t been with anyone but my ex for some time, and for good reason.

‘I don’t know if I am fully over her, and I’m here, with you now, trying to figure that out.’ I winced at the words and turned back to read her face.

‘I don’t want to USE you, but I have to be honest, I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t know if this isn’t just me using you to figure it out.’

And that was the truth.

I didn’t know what I was doing. But I was tired of dwelling in my quiet four walls of comfort, thinking about you. You’ve moved on, my logic is to force me to as well. But when she and I kissed, you were all I thought of.

But it wasn’t you. And the feeling was so alien to me. It’s been you all these years. Only you.

I was there, forcing myself outside the norm because I just knew this was the cure.

But here I am. And you’re still rent free in my mind.

I apologized and stuttered trying to explain further, she cut me off and grabbed me by the shirt, pulling me close, ‘Let’s find out together.’ She said, pushing onto me.

And we made out. Each twirl of our tongues, you. Each motion to get a better angle at each other’s lips, you.

Every quiet sound emitting from her, you.

It was then I realized my craving wasn’t being satisfied, only subsided. My pain still present, just sitting in the back seat staring at me with a shit eating grin.

Like mopping in the rain.

She’s not you. She won’t ever be you.

But... she’s good enough for now.

And I know this logic is dangerous.

And I understand why so many people fall prey to the lifestyle of one night stands and hookups, brief relationships, and alcohol induced romance.

Love is a very curious emotion.

But heartbreak is not.

Heartbreak is present. It’s stern.

It understands it’s audience, delivering a deliberate and precise message, piercing straight through every moral or principle I’ve collected over the past 30 years of my life.

Last night, senses prevailed, and I prevented myself from going further than PG, mostly for the thought that you’d feel a certain way about it.

But sleeping on it made me realize... you’re not coming back.

You have moved on.

And when I allow myself to take this last step, maybe I will too.

[tophatmagic]

Leather flaps slap harder than your favorite beat spread across some perfect toast at 7am in the morn like it was nostalgia dipped negligence of your first nightmare. Palm tree dreaming, light beaming, ricocheting from basic brass tacks to dry grass across the valley side of a deserted highway. Don’t litter.

A fire started with wholehearted intentions of being innocent. Gun locked without a key, pointed at anyone who disagrees. Label dabber, title smasher, listen to me or you’re a glass master.

I see right through you.

Nothing but heated sand whistle, hot air, emptying your lungs as quick to make a shape. But never an octagon because why would you stop.

Never left you go. But that doesn’t make you wrong.

Praise no god. Smile and nod. Up from your knees and spare the rod. Build flower caps and meadow valleys, conjure up 14 digit passwords with 2 special characters, 4 capital letters, and the blood of your first unborn.

Don’t look to the sky. Don’t look to the sea.

Look to the mean screen of redeeming qualities, and paint the picture with water color of who you are through everyone else’s eyes.

Weather man smiles from ear to ear.

‘It gon rain’ he says as he green screens the 100% chance of scattered showers.

This life has so much more to offer than other’s eyeballs. Popping them like grapes. The lot of you.

Drowning in your own delusional illusions created by marketing strategies and subliminal subconscious tickling.

Smile.

The grass is only greener on the other side because that’s where you’re focused.

Set up shop where you are and mop the floors while you’re at it. Bust your ass on the shine.

Look down where you are and see yourself.

I did. I saw myself. I smiled. Grounded. Down.

I realized something...

I forgot to sweep first.

[tophatmagic]

When I was a child I made a deal with the devil to always sleep with my blanket over my head.

For fear of broken fish tanks, wounded cats, and deceased elders.

[tophatmagic]

Sometimes it doesn’t hit you until you’ve found yourself four ‘Rum and Cokes’ down in a different city. Standing outside of a bustling theatre in the cold, staring at Christmas lights wrapped around leafless trees and letting your drunken mind rush through every unforgotten memory like the cars passing in front of you. The band inside sings about fun and joy. Sorrow and sadness. Love and romance. And you look past the streetlights to try and spell something out in the stars that would satisfy your longing. You exhale. And the breath takes form in the cold air, bringing you back to reality, back to your toes that are now beginning to freeze. The man wearing fingerless gloves is still smiling while conversing on his phone on the way back in. This is it. You’re really here. You lock eyes with the rainbow haired ticket babe and slide your sleeve up to reveal your band bracelet, she nods and smiles back. Not a chance. But that’s okay. The bustle vibrates your body and you realize you’re back in control. You give a couple people high fives and finger guns and walk back to the main room, feeling good. Heading back to good company.

And...

Nothing matters except the moment.

I thought it was alcohol induced...

But no. The winter wind sting mixed with the blurry festive lighting was just the cherry on top. I thought I was set in my ways, I knew who I was to be. But with every experience, I change.

I force myself to walk with courage and honesty, and each and every day I am challenged on a level I didn’t think possible. And I greet it gayly! I’m ecstatic that this is the life I get to live. The life that I get to share with my babies.

And although that darkness still looms across the horizon my mind has built, I see nothing but a devil with his finger pointed to the stars.

And I’ve said it a thousand times but I will change them.

My constellation. My life. My story. My way. Ignorance. Carelessness. All.

A man learning what it is to be human, while trying to be more than.

[tophatmagic]

It’s like someone has their hands on my ears, shoving me headfirst through an endless amount of stage curtains. Each curtain a different color. But all dusty and smelling like that guest bed that was never used at my grandma’s house. One after another slide across my face and past my ears. Like I’m abruptly waking from a dream... only backwards, without falling asleep.

[tophatmagic]

Freeze time. Crawl out of your head through your favorite ear. Take a couple steps back. ... No, that isn't far enough. Climb out the nearest window and peer inside at yourself. .... There we go.

Who are you? What do you want? What are you going to do? Where are you going? Who is that with you?

Climb back in that window-be careful.

Go back in through your least favorite ear.

Take hold of the controls.

And make every answer a reality.

[tophatmagic]

Paint on the wall next to a highway with guest-only entry ways. Message hidden in plain site but still unknown. Mind racing. No finish line. Paint over with ugly grey. Watch water come to boil while it dries. Refresh with ugly black. It's early in the morning and late in the afternoon. Go to sleep. Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

Wake up years later.

I enjoy Green more, but Neon Blue paint just arrived through the window of opportunity.