tootiredturtle-blog

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person: hey you ok?

me, dissociating: 

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person: hey you ok?

me, dissociating: 

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11.27.18

i’m here acting like sophomore me with no responsibilities — baking brownies...watching the office hours on end....singing...pretending like i don’t have college essays due by the end of this friday.....hah..

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I literally can’t get myself to sit through movies that don’t have women. I’m like where the fuck are the women? Why are there so many men? This is boring as fuck goodbye

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How do they ALWAYS have the best costumes????

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The adventure puppy

Credit

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@sixofcrowsnet heist: symbols - jurda parem

“If jurda parem is unleashed on the world, war is inevitable. Our trade lines will be d e s t r o y e d, and our markets will collapse. Kerch will not survive it. Our hopes rest with you, Mister Brekker. If you fail, all the world will s u f f e r for it.” “Oh, it’s worse than that, Van Eck. If I fail, I don’t get paid.”

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Keep going!

Also, click the image! It’s transparent!

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mini life update 18.10.06

I feel like there are still identity issues I’m working out, but it’s definitely gotten better. A big step to my ~independence~ is tied to driving, and I’ve been stuck on this idea for so long. I think everybody is aware of how much I want it because ever since I was little, my dad let me steer the wheel around the neighborhood (don’t call the cops on me pls) and I craved that control in my life. Maybe I’m relying on that a little too much. I don’t feel that upset about not qualifying for a license just yet, but everything I planned revolved around being able to finally drive myself, such as going out to eat during honor orchestra, etc. I have to be extra extra careful around my dad because he gets so anxious when I’m driving, and he gets snappy at me, which makes me pretty upset, cycle continues whoo..

Another aspect of independence is travelling and leaving for college..omg I don’t think I can handle how much I want to live in another city, state, country, literally anywhere. I think about the future people I’ll meet and what kind of impact they will have on me and vice versa, the gems of the city, favorite restaurants and cafes I’ll discover....the travel bug bit me p r e t t y hard after Taiwan, and I had a taste of freedom

At least I feel excited for college and honor orchestra because I’m graduating next May, which is crazy to think about. I always thought I would disappear or die before I ever left high school, but here I am (ok let’s hope I didn’t jinx it). Again, with the identity issues, I don’t know how to portray myself as, or fix a consistent image to colleges in my essay. So much of myself has been stuck with piano, art, books, which I distanced myself away from over the years because I didn’t want to be known as just that “quiet art girl” or “shy violin girl”. I’m glad I had a lot of personal growth recently because it’s been gratifying to stop apologizing to people who don’t deserve it/when there’s no reason to, know how to handle certain situations, and open up to people, good and bad. Sometimes I really need to watch what I say because some people don’t speak sarcasm and take it the wrong way. I think I do that because I was never close enough to anyone to joke around with, apart from failed friendships lolol

Last thing, I feel really good about school even though I’m pretty average. Like my time management has been so good and I’m proud of building up self control and limitations, so I wanted to celebrate that. But...I have been slipping up now and then, even more than before such as forgetting way too many little things and making stupid mistakes which makes me frustrated 

On the bright side, I’ve been discovering bomb ass music that have been on repeat, my fav youtubers are feeding me gud content, and I’m starting to feel passionate about old hobbies so whatta great high to ride for the time being :) also I did some damage w my card uhHHh I love online shopping

I also realized that nobody is as important as they seem to be (spotlight effect?) so here I am self-reflecting and being self-absorbed teehee

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king dad

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Sometimes you need to scorch everything to the ground, and start over. After the burning the soil is richer, and new things can grow. People are like that, too. They start over. They find a way.

Celeste Ng, Little Fires Everywhere

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stressed

I finally felt the full force of responsibilities and workload today — with college, extracurriculars, and schoolwork, I’m nervous to even think about how I’ll balance them in the next three/four months. But on the other hand, I feel excited to imagine the future possibilities and experience that will come when I put in the work now.

Almost all the time, I feel one step behind everyone else because there’s always that one more thing I have to complete while all of my other friends are chilling, but I know that it will pay off in the end (I hope). It’s just frustrating when I feel completely stressed and it seems like everybody has it easy or is able to manage their load. All I want to do is play play play but when I let that happen I slip up and I’m immediately guilty of the time I wasted. Ok I need to get back to studying and stressing goodbye

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in my dream life i own a small town cafe-bookshop combo

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很想很想你

should i pierce my ears for the fourth time and hope they don’t get infected again

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hello!

I just got inspired to start yet another blog from a friend, so here I am (thanks sloth + koala)

As of now, I’ve been keeping myself busy with a ton of school work. The past few days were exciting, but reality always strikes. I don’t know why I’m writing this so late (I really should be asleep) but here’s some good things I’ve discovered so far.

1. Time management // it has been swell. Ever since junior year, I’ve been really proud of balancing my priorities, but sometimes I even spend shower time overthinking my list. It spirals into anxiety, like “what if I’m not able to cram ___ into my schedule? I really should do ___. I haven’t done ___ in a while....”  and I suddenly feel the urge to panic about all the things I need to get done.

2. Reading // my reading progress is steady, as it has been for the past year. Sometimes, I have a dilemma about reading more, but I forgive myself because it’s supposed to be a past time I enjoy, not something I should force onto me. But good news -- I finished Turtles All the Way Down by John Green and Let’s Talk About Love by Claire Kann this past week! I’m hoping to get back on my reading grind because it’s such a thrill to eat up books like french fries. Miles Morales: Spiderman by Jason Reynolds only needs an hour and some left on audiobook, so I’ll knock that out tomorrow (if time allows). The heavens parted on this fine day and by some miracle, Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng finally checked out for me from the digital library...after three months of waiting, which I will be happy to get into along with This Savage Song by Victoria Schwab.

3. Good bops // Troye Sivan’s album dropped this week! Seventeen is my fav so far

4. College // My palms are already perspirating at the thought of anything college-related. I really need to get on scholarship deadlines, editing essays, researching back up schools in case I am deemed worthless from all my reach schools, just relatable things :)

Goodnight to the friends who might be reading this. See you tomorrow <3