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[toothistired]

my current avpd theory

i've been thinking and i think i have a theory about avpd based on all the things i've been reading and listening to lately.

i think avpd consists of/comes to be because of these things:

initial traumatic experience (that included some kind of rejection or ostracization)

no healthy way to process trauma or co-regulate with anyone

dissociation from the "real you" (it is associated with shame due to initial trauma, but also perhaps out of self-protection)

coping mechanism to make up for dissociated "real you" (masking, agoraphobia, social anxiety, co-dependency and/or enmeshment ("safe person"),...)

relational self via the "real you" remains underdeveloped or not there at all (so this could be b/c of masking, not engaging at all, ...)

lacking experiences of being "experienced by another person" as described in the infamous article/study as well as this post and this post.

this then spirals into the known avpd symptoms

the dissociation part is the important part though. i think this is key. the reason why people with avpd report this feeling of not being there, feeling invisible, etc... is because of this i think. for me i always felt like i was a robot or running on a "low flame". and when i use the term "dissociation" i'm using it as it is used in trauma and cptsd circles. a kind of detachment and separation from our own true being, feelings, thoughts, etc...

and when you're dissociated, it's hard to truly interact with people and practice that relational self muscle. instead, if you even have relationships with others, they are superficial, involve a lot of masking & mirroring and can only be kept up for so long, because that is exhausting in the long run. it's impossible to be genuine or vulnerable when you're not really there and not really being honest for the fear of repeating the trauma (shame and fear). and the more time passes with us desperately trying to engage others without our "real self" being in the drivers seat, the more we feel out of sync with everyone else and the more the formation of our relational self suffers and remains underdeveloped or not there at all. everything begins to compound into the known symptoms.

i don't know i've been going through old stuff (journals and letters) of mine and i'm so confused, but i'm trying to think through it all in the hopes of finding a way out. as always. 🥲 maybe the theory makes sense to others, too?

[toothistired]

Having your main anxiety response be Avoidance is crazy cause you'll think you're chillin and then one day you're like waitttt I've been paralyzed with fear this whole time. Damn

[toothistired]

avpd culture is knowing everything about everyone but no one knowing anything about you

fr

[toothistired]

self-compassion is not the default, because often society makes it so. if you say something like “i‘m not able to do this task due to xyz mental health problem”, even if you say that to someone like a friend or close family member. most are likely to say (or think) oh that‘s just an excuse, you‘re using your diagnosis or your “issue” as a crutch, because you want to get out of doing it. in reality you are lazy, a coward, etc… that is the actual reason and the real you. they simply don’t believe it. and because of that we default to that as well instead of self-compassion. that type of thinking is so wide spread, even people who proclaim to care about mental health etc… do it. they’ll advocate until the mental health starts mental healthing and gets in their way.

and i feel it’s because neurotypical ppl cannot fathom such a thing even happening so they default to what it would mean if they said such a thing, which is that they’d made it up as an excuse, and then assume it must be the case for you too. meanwhile you’re actually struggling or simply need an small accommodation in order to do better.

anyway, just some thoughts.

[toothistired]

These individuals demonstrate the avoidant personality pattern. They may have just one or two trusted friends, perhaps a spouse or partner, or even a sole family member. Few others, if any, would be able to pass their strict tests of uncritical support and acceptance to gain access to their more private circle of existence. Does this mean that such a person is content with this very secretive, isolated way of life? Quite the contrary. Their pain wrought from loneliness and seclusion hurts them to the core of their existence, but rather than allow themselves to be vulnerable to the "inevitable" social humiliation that would follow from their perceived incompetence and awkwardness being put on naked display, they take their silent, lonely pain and make themselves nearly invisible -- out of the trajectory of others' "harsh but deserved" criticisms. Because of their way of exaggerating potential for embarrassment, they do more to themselves than forego social enhancement. They resist any life change that may bring them more openly into the public eye, including occupational promotions and other life rewards. While they may deeply wish for love, genuine intimacy, and greater life enjoyment or satisfaction, their souls are seen as so disgraced that they must withdraw into a private world of shame, where they can at least be alone with their inadequacies.

From Personality Disorders in Modern Life, Chapter 6: The Avoidant Personality (Theodore Millon et al. 2004)

[toothistired]

I be in my room alone and yet still feel overwhelming embarrassment and shame over my very existence and thoughts like bro no one knows what’s in your head why are you crashing out rn😭😭😭😭

[toothistired]

How I look when my chronic avoidance works out positively for me

[toothistired]

[toothistired]

AVPD is like my brain is constantly running a simulation that tries to predict other (hypothetical) people's possible criticisms of every action I take. The simulation is kinda broken so it always returns the worst outcome possible. I can't turn the simulation off. It's trying to predict possible criticisms of a thing I thought about making, that no one would even know about, because I would do it alone in my own house and not show it to anyone. The simulation says everyone would think I'm stupid for it. Everyone WHO you dumb brain machine?????

[toothistired]

i don’t know how i’m still standing on the street. my god i’m exhausted. i need to get home asap

[toothistired]

[toothistired]

fuck food fuck my life and fuck everything.

[toothistired]

[toothistired]

I am not going to live past a certain age that’s very apparent,,nothing is interesting nothing seems worth my time I am going to accomplish absolutely nothing in my life time my existence is worthless

[toothistired]

Tf is the point in living if I’m constantly in pain one way or another

[toothistired]

It's so wild that you guys all actually exist in the real world and no one knows that you have a 3d blog on tumblr

Such a clark kent moment honestly

[toothistired]

is anyone else just going through life like “yeah i just gotta get past this last difficult week and then it’s smooth sailing from there!” but like… every week