tonysnarkstark

[tonysnarkstark]

Civil War AU where everything’s the same except: (1) Steve and Tony are dating, (2) Steve doesn’t know Tony is Iron Man

they still go to Siberia and Zemo still plays the tape and Iron Man still asks “did you know?” and Steve stubbornly says “I think thats a conversation between me and your employers”

so Iron Man flips off his helmet, looks his boyfriend dead in the eye and says, “okay - tell me Steve, did you know?”

[tonysnarkstark]

Just had the funniest fucking crack idea: Pepper and Rhodey require written essays from Tony’s prospective beaus now. He is ridiculously codependent with Rhodey and Pepper thinks it’s hilarious so she encourages it. Why do they like Tony? How do they feel about him? Why do they think they deserve him? Rhodey and Pepper are mostly doing it for shits and giggles but sometimes an essay alarms them enough to put their feet down and scare someone off. But mostly it’s for fun.

“What the fuck is this,” Rhodey asks as Steve hands him a sheaf of paper. It looks a lot like one of his dissertations from college. It’s professionally bound and everything.

“Natasha told me that people who want to date Tony have to submit an essay on why they should be able to for you and Pepper to read,” Steve answers earnestly.

Rhodey does not burst out laughing in his face, but only because he’s flipped to the back page and sees Steve really did write a fucking dissertation on why he should be able to date Tony. It’s almost three hundred pages. Even his dissertation at MIT wasn’t that long. “Uh, okay,” he finally says, for lack of anything else, and then, “Oh my God. A citation page.”

“I had to go through some stuff about me and Captain America as a whole to state my case and Bruce said I needed to cite my sources because apparently I can’t just say ‘my life,’” Steve huffs. “Especially if I’m arguing against it.”

It’s APA format to boot. Rhodey stares at it. “Okay.” He looks up at Steve. “Did you get this professionally edited, or…”

“Natasha edited it and Bruce went over it for citation errors,” Steve answers, enthused again. “I wanted to be thorough. I really like Tony.”

“Okay,” Rhodey says again, wondering if he can just skim it. His phone vibrates. He picks it up to look at the text.

Jim fuck oh my god look at this

He opens the picture and immediately wants to weep at how fucking funny it is.

Tony is an asshole. He steals my coffee in the mornings and makes fun of my shirts and is an idiot for not realizing I wear them on purpose because he likes to stare at my muscles. In this section I will list why 1) he is stupid, 2) I like that about him, 3) he must be blind, and 4) I would like to simultaneously throw him down the garbage chute and also very delicately kiss the laugh lines around his beautiful eyes.

“I’ll go sit with Pepper and read this behemoth,” Rhodey chokes out, forcing back tears of mirth. He gets up and moves toward the elevator.

“If you have any suggestions on things I could change, I’m open to them,” Steve tells him seriously, and Rhodey loses the battle and starts cackling before the elevator doors close.

Rhodey is almost put off by the section labeled “Intercourse: Why It Would Be Great” but it’s mostly just cited pictures of Tony labeled “look at this shit. How am I meant to go on. Who allowed him to wear these pants.” Well, first of all, Rhodey, and second of all, it was the eighties and everyone was wearing them.

[tonysnarkstark]

Inspired by this SNL sketch.

~~~

“Are you sure you want to bring me to your cousin’s wedding?” 

Rhodey huffed, tired of hearing this question for the third time today. He was starting to wonder if Tony wanted him to go. “For the last time, yes,” Rhodey promised him, “you’ll do great, I promise. My family loves you.” 

“Yeah, but isn’t this supposed to be a family thing?” Tony questioned, for, again, the third time, “they might put up with me, but I’m still not family.” 

Rhodey’s heartbeat sped up at the words. See, the thing is, Tony might not be a Rhodes officially, but Rhodey hoped that he would be soon. Rhodey wasn’t going to do it tonight, but he’d gotten very used to carrying the ring with him everywhere he went. 

He was going to do it when he officially transferred to Edwards, when he could tell Tony they could move in together and start planning their future together. He would do it when he could tell Tony that the long distance nightmare, with the few spots of sun that were his leaves, is ending. But tonight, even if Tony wasn’t family yet, he just wanted to enjoy his cousin’s wedding with his boyfriend and family. 

“Trust me,” Rhodey said, instead of voicing his thoughts, “it’s not a family thing. I barely know half the people they invited.” 

“Okay but-” 

Rhodey pulled on his hand, dragging him towards the building, “just come on, already.” 

His cousin’s reception was filled with people. He could spot some of his relatives sitting at the tables or dancing with people he didn’t recognize and he couldn’t wait to catch up with them all. He missed his family so much while he was away. 

He could feel Tony tensing from the overwhelming amount of guests, but before he could say something about it to Rhodey, someone Rhodey didn’t recognize approached him. 

“Hey, Tony!” the person surprisingly addressed his boyfriend rather than him. Tony’s face lit up and he accepted the hug from this mystery person. “Last we talked you told me you weren’t coming!” 

“Rhodey talked me into it at the last minute,” Tony explained, “that’s why we’re so fashionably late.” 

The mystery man laughed and turned to Rhodey, saying, “oh, you’re Rhodey! I heard so much about you.” He offered his hand for Rhodey to shake, “I’m Noel.” 

“Hi,” Rhodey shook his head, smiling, “I wish I could say the same.” 

Tony gave him a glare, “I told you about Noel. Remember, Kim’s best friend?” 

“Oh, right,” Rhodey nodded, pretending to remember. “You’re the best man,” he guessed.  

Noel nodded, “yeah, and you are Alexis’ cousin.” 

“That’s me.” 

“Nice meeting you,” Noel smiled politely before turning back to Tony, “hey, you know you’re always invited to poker night, right? How come you’ve missed so many the past few weeks?” 

“Sorry, Noel, company stuff, you know how it is.” 

“Not in the slightest,” Noel responded and Tony laughed, “you should come when you can, though, it’s about time someone brought in the big money. Getting kind of boring.” 

“I’ll try,” Tony promised, “but I’m not bringing the ‘big money’.” 

“You’re no fun, Stark,” Noel teased, before looking to his side, hearing someone calling his name, “hey, I gotta go, but don’t be stranger!” 

“I won’t!” Tony called out after him, and then turned back to Rhodey, this time seeming more relaxed. Rhodey gave him a puzzled look, “what?”

“You’ve never once told me about Noel.” 

“I did too!” Tony insisted, “he’s part of Kim’s gang.” 

“And since when are you a part of Kim’s gang?” 

“I’m not,” Tony said, vague, “I’m more like… an add on. Let’s go eat, those pigs in a blanket look good.” 

Tony dragged him away towards the buffet, leaving Rhodey confused but willing to let it go. 

~~~

It kept happening during the wedding. Rhodey would be catching up with his aunt, and when Tony came back with their drinks, his aunt would start talking to Tony about the latest episode of The X-Files. Rhodey would be talking with one of his high school friends and he’d turn around to Tony being locked in a debate about cars with his great-uncle. From all of Alexis’ bridesmaids to Rhodey’s old kindergarten friends to the five year old daughter of Rhodey’s cousin - all of them knew Tony somehow and all of them loved him. And Tony seemed to share that sentiment with each of them. Tony dodged all his questioning looks and words of amazement but when they were sitting together, listening to Alexis’ thanking the guests for coming, Rhodey decided to get an answer once and for all. 

“So,” Rhodey whispered, “since when did you get so close with all of the guests in this wedding?” 

Tony looked down in his lap, embarrassed, “you noticed, huh?” 

“Hard not to,” Rhodey responded with, “so, what’s the story?” 

Tony looked at Alexis, avoiding his gaze, “well, uh, when you were away, I kind of …missed you. I mean, I only got two weeks a year of you, so, can you blame me? Plus, there were all those stories on the news and not knowing what was going on with you was driving me crazy. And your mom and dad and sister got that, y’know? So I started hanging out with them sometimes, just to help distract them or to fix their dishwasher, and well… eventually I kept getting invites to cookouts and church and Thanksgiving, and I went because I’d never say no to your mom. And though those Christmases and backyard sales, I got to know your family, and I became friendly with most of them because… because they’re great people. And through your family I met… most of these people. So, yeah. That’s how. God, talking about it out loud made me realize how weird that is.” 

Rhodey’s heart warmed at hearing how Tony missed him just as much as Rhodey missed Tony - logically, Rhodey knew, but Tony rarely expressed that emotion through words and he treasured it every time he did - and at how Tony used his family to fill that void. He has stared at the ring many times, but never did he feel such a strong urge to propose. 

But before he could say any of that, Alexis finished her speech, “and lastly, thank you to Tony, who got us this venue at the last minute! Everyone, give Tony a round of applause!” 

Tony hid his face as Alexis pointed to him and everyone in the crowd gave a tiny cheer. 

~~~

Rhodey was gathering their things so they could leave the wedding, but he couldn't find Tony anywhere. He wasn’t on the dance floor or talking with a stranger at one of the tables or in the bathrooms, or even outside. Rhodey checked everywhere, but he didn’t know where Tony was. 

As he walked through the hall to try and find if Tony also knew the cooks, or something to that effect, he heard voices coming from behind a wall. It was his mom and Tony. 

“…I’ve always really respected what you did for Jeanette and James, and I know Rhodey would want me to ask you this. I just hope you say yes. And that he says yes, of course. I know we’re young and that I’m not exactly what you pictured-” 

“Oh my god, Tony, of course you have my blessing to marry Jim. I couldn’t be happier to have you as a son in law.” 

There was a sound of his mom crashing Tony in a hug as he ‘oof’ed. Rhodey’s heart thumped in his throat. Even though a small part of him was mad that Tony was stealing his proposal thunder, he couldn’t help but be excited about the fact they both had a ring and the fact that Tony was definitely going to say yes. He couldn’t wait to get married to the love of his life. Not to mention he found it sweet, if not old fashioned, that Tony asked his mom for her blessing. 

“When are you going to do it?” His mom asked. 

“As soon as possible, if I’m honest,” Tony said. 

“Well, don’t let me keep you,” his mom said, “go on, propose to him.” 

Tony was pushed through the door, chuckling. Rhodey quickly hid behind a wall so Tony didn’t know that he was listening in the entire time. He was still hoping to beat Tony to the proposal and he couldn’t do that without the element of surprise. 

“There you are,” Rhodey said, appearing when Tony was in range of his sight, “we have to go - where did you drift off too?” 

Tony looked surprised to see him, mumbling lamely, “um… I just… I wanted to see the… the backroom.” 

“The backroom?” Rhodey asked, amused.

“It had great paintings,” Tony clarified.

Rhodey tried to swallow his smirk, instead saying, “we have great paintings at home too. Let’s go.” He took Tony by the hand and walked him to the exit, politely waving goodbye to Alexis and Kim. 

When they were just about to get in to the car, Rhodey grabbed Tony by the waist and pecked him. Just a short, sweet kiss, but Rhodey hoped it showed how much he adored Tony.

Tony smiled into the kiss, “what was that for?” 

Rhodey shrugged, “just the wedding vibe. And me being very, very in love with you.” 

“Very, huh?” Tony beamed, “you’re not so bad yourself.” 

[tonysnarkstark]

Oh I want to post something sad but also super funny you guys have to promise not to be mad

[tonysnarkstark]

Just had the funniest fucking crack idea: Pepper and Rhodey require written essays from Tony’s prospective beaus now. He is ridiculously codependent with Rhodey and Pepper thinks it’s hilarious so she encourages it. Why do they like Tony? How do they feel about him? Why do they think they deserve him? Rhodey and Pepper are mostly doing it for shits and giggles but sometimes an essay alarms them enough to put their feet down and scare someone off. But mostly it’s for fun.

“What the fuck is this,” Rhodey asks as Steve hands him a sheaf of paper. It looks a lot like one of his dissertations from college. It’s professionally bound and everything.

“Natasha told me that people who want to date Tony have to submit an essay on why they should be able to for you and Pepper to read,” Steve answers earnestly.

Rhodey does not burst out laughing in his face, but only because he’s flipped to the back page and sees Steve really did write a fucking dissertation on why he should be able to date Tony. It’s almost three hundred pages. Even his dissertation at MIT wasn’t that long. “Uh, okay,” he finally says, for lack of anything else, and then, “Oh my God. A citation page.”

“I had to go through some stuff about me and Captain America as a whole to state my case and Bruce said I needed to cite my sources because apparently I can’t just say ‘my life,’” Steve huffs. “Especially if I’m arguing against it.”

It’s APA format to boot. Rhodey stares at it. “Okay.” He looks up at Steve. “Did you get this professionally edited, or…”

“Natasha edited it and Bruce went over it for citation errors,” Steve answers, enthused again. “I wanted to be thorough. I really like Tony.”

“Okay,” Rhodey says again, wondering if he can just skim it. His phone vibrates. He picks it up to look at the text.

Jim fuck oh my god look at this

He opens the picture and immediately wants to weep at how fucking funny it is.

Tony is an asshole. He steals my coffee in the mornings and makes fun of my shirts and is an idiot for not realizing I wear them on purpose because he likes to stare at my muscles. In this section I will list why 1) he is stupid, 2) I like that about him, 3) he must be blind, and 4) I would like to simultaneously throw him down the garbage chute and also very delicately kiss the laugh lines around his beautiful eyes.

“I’ll go sit with Pepper and read this behemoth,” Rhodey chokes out, forcing back tears of mirth. He gets up and moves toward the elevator.

“If you have any suggestions on things I could change, I’m open to them,” Steve tells him seriously, and Rhodey loses the battle and starts cackling before the elevator doors close.

Rhodey is almost put off by the section labeled “Intercourse: Why It Would Be Great” but it’s mostly just cited pictures of Tony labeled “look at this shit. How am I meant to go on. Who allowed him to wear these pants.” Well, first of all, Rhodey, and second of all, it was the eighties and everyone was wearing them.

[tonysnarkstark]

pls don’t tag as n/s/f/w if you reblog thanks

tony never turns down a good tentacle and steve loves watching. uncensored on ao3: good tentacles [FANART]

[tonysnarkstark]

Summary: After a one night stand, Omega Tony Stark finds himself pregnant with Steve’s baby.

He can never tell him.

Based on a prompt from the 2020 @cap-ironman Community Gifts. For the Cap-Ironman Bingo 2021 Round 2 – Asking for Trouble, and the 2021 Cap-IronMan Mid-Year Fanworks Alphabet – W is for “Were you ever going to tell me?”

Chapter 1 (of 3): Unwanted

Chapter Summary:  After one bad decision with life-altering implications, Tony unilaterally decides to not burden Steve with the consequences of their actions. He’s doing Steve a favor, saving him from a lifetime of obligation, he reasons. Steve would never want this baby; he doesn’t want to be a father, at least not yet and certainly not alongside Tony. But the deeper truth is that Tony simply doesn’t want Steve.

[tonysnarkstark]

For the au game could you please do Vikings with Stuckony?? Thanks!

Tony is being courted by two very successful men. He has no idea why. Ever since he was injured, he can’t work the forge, and all he has is a small house on the edge of the village. He has a couple goats, but they’re more to keep the ivy encroaching on his house at bay than actually being worth anything. He supposes it could be for his skill with numbers, but both Steve and Bucky are plenty clever with numbers themselves. Tony examines his face in one of the looking glasses they’d gifted him, considering what they might be seeing. He’s okay-looking, he guesses, if you ignore the scars crawling up the right side of his face, but he’s not really as young and handsome as Steve and Bucky. He sighs and leans back, frowning. Well, they’ll get tired of courting him eventually, when they realize he’s older and poorer and the scars from the fire are permanent. They’re probably just practicing with him, he reasons. He’s a safe bet--they’ll have to break it off before he does, as desperate for attention as he is. Once they have a bit more confidence, they’ll surely realize they could have their picks of the village and promptly turn their attention, quite properly, elsewhere.

Bucky and Steve aren’t technically competing. At the end of the day, they both go home, share a meal, get into the same bed. But they’d be lying if they said they weren’t trying to one-up each other with courting gifts. They just want Tony to see that they can provide for him! And they enjoy giving him trinkets from trading in faraway lands, or some of the better spoils after a battle. Tony deserves all the pretty things his heart could ever desire! It’s best he knows that they’ll spoil him after they’re married beforehand, anyway.

It’s been years since Tony has enjoyed a roll in the hay, what with his slow-healing injuries and then his anxiety about showing off his scars. So he feels he can’t be faulted for being weak when Steve trails his fingers up the tender inside of his arm, or when Bucky presses a kiss behind his ear. They’re always so sweet when they bed him, careful of his scars and gentle with his easily-injured arm. Sometimes he wonders if he should put a stop to it--he might not be able to cope when they finally drop him to find a proper spouse. Still, he’s too greedy, he decides. He loves the tender attention, craves it when they’re away. Makes him feel like maybe he’d be worthy of someone’s love someday. Maybe when they’re finished with him, he should try courting someone else. Surely there’s another broken, lonely person in the village who wouldn’t mind some companionship.

Bucky brings Tony a ring. Steve brings Tony a sword. Tony stares at them, tears filling his eyes. “I never thought you’d be so needlessly cruel,” he says, and slams the door in their faces. “What the fuck,” Steve and Bucky say, bewildered, but they won’t give up so easily. “I fucking locked the door?!” Tony exclaims when they force their ways inside. “Yes, we will repair it,” Bucky says. Steve winces as he looks back at the door before he looks back at Tony. “We’ll actually probably replace it.” “DID YOU BREAK MY FUCKING DOOR?!” Tony exclaims, then yelps when Bucky advances on him, rushing around the table to keep it between them. “You stay away from me!” “No,” Bucky snaps. “I’m making you take this fucking ring because we’re getting married. We’ve been courting you for three years, Tony!” “It’s been a very long courtship,” Steve agrees as Tony tries to skitter past him. He grabs Tony’s arm before he can make it to the door, dragging him back. “No! No! I don’t need your pity courtship or your pity marriage!” Tony snarls, yanking at his arm, but Steve is immovable, and Bucky hurries to press up against his back, trapping him between them. “You’ll regret it when you find someone you actually want and have to divorce me and--ah-! Ah...!” He whimpers as Steve presses a soft kiss to his cheek, his ear, just like he always does to make him melt and coo wantonly. “Stop...!” “We’ve wanted you since even before your accident, Tony,” Bucky whispers in his other ear. “Why won’t you believe us when we court you?” Tony sniffles and buries his face in Steve’s chest, because the answer would leave him too vulnerable, would crack his ribs apart and leave his heart out in the open for them to do with as they wish--cherish it or crush it within their fists. “We only want you,” Steve murmurs, holding his hand so that Bucky can slide the ring onto his finger. “Don’t you want us, too, Tony?” Tony says nothing, but he also doesn’t take the ring off.

Tony can’t forge or smelt very well anymore, but he does it anyway, wincing and gritting his teeth. This is important. Steve and Bucky want to marry him, so he needs to start their marriage off right. ”You can’t really use them,” Tony says haltingly after he’s handed Steve and Bucky the swords he’d made. “They won’t take abuse. But I... I wanted you to know that I’m taking you seriously. I want this.” ”Tony,” Steve breathes, choked up. “We bought you a nanny goat as a wedding present,” Bucky blurts out in a bid to stave off overwhelmed tears. It doesn’t work, so he mostly just looks like he’s crying about a goat. Luckily Steve and Tony don’t make fun of him, mostly because Steve has curled his arm around Tony’s waist to drag him into a kiss and Tony can only mew into his mouth with how deep and filthy it is. But they definitely make fun of him after the honeymoon is over.

[tonysnarkstark]

For the au game could you please do Vikings with Stuckony?? Thanks!

Tony is being courted by two very successful men. He has no idea why. Ever since he was injured, he can’t work the forge, and all he has is a small house on the edge of the village. He has a couple goats, but they’re more to keep the ivy encroaching on his house at bay than actually being worth anything. He supposes it could be for his skill with numbers, but both Steve and Bucky are plenty clever with numbers themselves. Tony examines his face in one of the looking glasses they’d gifted him, considering what they might be seeing. He’s okay-looking, he guesses, if you ignore the scars crawling up the right side of his face, but he’s not really as young and handsome as Steve and Bucky. He sighs and leans back, frowning. Well, they’ll get tired of courting him eventually, when they realize he’s older and poorer and the scars from the fire are permanent. They’re probably just practicing with him, he reasons. He’s a safe bet--they’ll have to break it off before he does, as desperate for attention as he is. Once they have a bit more confidence, they’ll surely realize they could have their picks of the village and promptly turn their attention, quite properly, elsewhere.

Bucky and Steve aren’t technically competing. At the end of the day, they both go home, share a meal, get into the same bed. But they’d be lying if they said they weren’t trying to one-up each other with courting gifts. They just want Tony to see that they can provide for him! And they enjoy giving him trinkets from trading in faraway lands, or some of the better spoils after a battle. Tony deserves all the pretty things his heart could ever desire! It’s best he knows that they’ll spoil him after they’re married beforehand, anyway.

It’s been years since Tony has enjoyed a roll in the hay, what with his slow-healing injuries and then his anxiety about showing off his scars. So he feels he can’t be faulted for being weak when Steve trails his fingers up the tender inside of his arm, or when Bucky presses a kiss behind his ear. They’re always so sweet when they bed him, careful of his scars and gentle with his easily-injured arm. Sometimes he wonders if he should put a stop to it--he might not be able to cope when they finally drop him to find a proper spouse. Still, he’s too greedy, he decides. He loves the tender attention, craves it when they’re away. Makes him feel like maybe he’d be worthy of someone’s love someday. Maybe when they’re finished with him, he should try courting someone else. Surely there’s another broken, lonely person in the village who wouldn’t mind some companionship.

Bucky brings Tony a ring. Steve brings Tony a sword. Tony stares at them, tears filling his eyes. “I never thought you’d be so needlessly cruel,” he says, and slams the door in their faces. “What the fuck,” Steve and Bucky say, bewildered, but they won’t give up so easily. “I fucking locked the door?!” Tony exclaims when they force their ways inside. “Yes, we will repair it,” Bucky says. Steve winces as he looks back at the door before he looks back at Tony. “We’ll actually probably replace it.” “DID YOU BREAK MY FUCKING DOOR?!” Tony exclaims, then yelps when Bucky advances on him, rushing around the table to keep it between them. “You stay away from me!” “No,” Bucky snaps. “I’m making you take this fucking ring because we’re getting married. We’ve been courting you for three years, Tony!” “It’s been a very long courtship,” Steve agrees as Tony tries to skitter past him. He grabs Tony’s arm before he can make it to the door, dragging him back. “No! No! I don’t need your pity courtship or your pity marriage!” Tony snarls, yanking at his arm, but Steve is immovable, and Bucky hurries to press up against his back, trapping him between them. “You’ll regret it when you find someone you actually want and have to divorce me and--ah-! Ah...!” He whimpers as Steve presses a soft kiss to his cheek, his ear, just like he always does to make him melt and coo wantonly. “Stop...!” “We’ve wanted you since even before your accident, Tony,” Bucky whispers in his other ear. “Why won’t you believe us when we court you?” Tony sniffles and buries his face in Steve’s chest, because the answer would leave him too vulnerable, would crack his ribs apart and leave his heart out in the open for them to do with as they wish--cherish it or crush it within their fists. “We only want you,” Steve murmurs, holding his hand so that Bucky can slide the ring onto his finger. “Don’t you want us, too, Tony?” Tony says nothing, but he also doesn’t take the ring off. “We bought you a nanny goat,” Bucky blurts out in a bid to stave off overwhelmed tears. It doesn’t work, so he mostly just looks like he’s crying about a goat. Luckily Steve and Tony don’t make fun of him, mostly because Steve has curled his arm around Tony’s waist to drag him into a kiss and Tony can only mew into his mouth with how deep and filthy it is. But they definitely make fun of him after the honeymoon is over.

[tonysnarkstark]

Title: Crashing Through Your Door Ship: IronHusbands Rating: Teen Major Tags: Pre-Iron Man 1, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining Card Number: 5023 (Tony Stark Bingo) 3002 (IronHusbands Bingo Square: R4 - Mutual Pining (Tony Stark Bingo) B4 - Fake Dating (IronHusbands Bingo) Link: AO3 Summary: To give himself a break, Tony’s been using a made-up boyfriend to get out of meetings. He gets to stay home and tinker, the board things he’s settling down, it’s a win-win situation. Right up until Obie decides he wants to meet this boyfriend that’s taking up so much of his time. 

But what kind of best friend would Rhodey be if he didn’t step up to be Tony’s fake boyfriend? Tony’s nothing short of relieved and so Rhodey dresses up to be his date to the gala-of-the-week except wow, pretending they’ve secretly been in love for the past year is way easier than it should be… Word Count: 9237

Rhodey jogged down the stairs of Tony’s shiny new Malibu “beach house” (the thing was ridiculously large if you asked him, but Tony hadn’t) and let himself into the workshop. “Honey, I’m home!” he called out, blinking when he was met with a dark room. “Tones? JARVIS said you were down here.” 

There was a faint groaning noise from the far corner, and when Rhodey turned the lights on, he found Tony sitting in a chair, slumped over his desk with his face buried in his arms. 

“Oh no,” Rhodey deadpanned, picking his way through bits of machinery to kick Tony’s foot. “What did you do now?” 

“I fucked up,” Tony moaned, the words muffled by his position. He lifted his head to peer at Rhodey, looking bleary in the face of sudden brightness. “Your concern for me is overwhelming, by the way. Really feeling the love here, Rhodes.” 

Rhodey shrugged, unperturbed. “Your world is ending like every other week, and I was promised pizza and beer – which I even brought because I’m an amazing friend – so… If you’re gonna have a breakdown can we at least do it where there’s food?” He gave Tony a broad grin and a wink, and Tony rolled his eyes, trying to hide his own fond smile as he pushed back from the table. 

“Yeah, alright, let’s go.” 

When they were upstairs and he could get a better look at him, Rhodey had to admit that Tony was looking a little more frazzled than usual. His hair was extra fluffy, like he’d run his hands through it about fifty times, and his fingers were tapping out a constant jittery rhythm against his thigh. Rhodey waited until they were settled in front of some action movie, but when Tony wasn’t forthcoming with any information, Rhodey nudged his side. “Hey. You gonna tell me what’s bugging you?”

Tony groaned again, burying his face in his hands. “You’re gonna make fun of me,” he whined.

Rhodey smiled, even if Tony couldn’t see it. “Probably,” he agreed easily. “Tell me anyway?” 

Tony huffed and pouted and squirmed but eventually he relented, shifting to sit sideways on the couch and face Rhodes. “Okay, so.” He sighed heavily. “You know, I’m head of SI now.”

“Really?” Rhodey drawled. “I hadn’t heard.” 

Tony elbowed him hard in the side. “So there’s all this… Stuff that goes along with that. Like I wasn’t looking forward to the board meetings, but at least I expected those? But there’s all these other meetings, like fifty a day were nothing actually gets done, and there are the charity events, and the gladhanding, and the ‘come meet a friend of a friend of a friend of mine,’ and I have to be on all the time and – Obie wanted me to learn squash, Rhodey. Squash.” 

“Aww, come on. Bet you’d be cute in those little white shorts.” 

“I hate you.” Tony told him. “Anyway, it’s a lot, and sometimes I just want to take a break and go hang out in the lab and build stuff, you know?” 

“Do I know that you’d rather be a reclusive little lab gremlin? Yeah, I’d noticed that once or twice,” Rhodey teased. 

“Whatever.” Tony squirmed again, clearly embarrassed, and Rhodey waited. “So, you know, to get out of doing stuff when I just really, really wasn’t feeling it, I, uh… I maybe told Obie that I was seeing someone?” 

Rhodey blinked at him. “Oh no.”

Tony sighed heavily. “Oh yes.” 

Keep reading

[tonysnarkstark]

Hiiii!!! For the 100 followers call for prompt - WinterIron or maybe Stuckony and Tony in lace? 👀👀👀 He would look pretty in it 😉

He would look pretty, wouldn't he? 😍

Sunset Drip, Rated E, 3k 😘😘😘 For @saganarojanaolt On the bed was his collar and a pair of black skinny jeans, ones that were borderline painfully tight until Tony wanted to free him. If you had asked James Barnes anytime before he met Tony Stark if he would willingly wear a collar; that he would crave it some days. That he’d surrender in the way he became Tony’s-- he’d have laughed himself silly. Hell, after 70 years of being Hydra’s pet assassin, it seemed a bridge too far. Tony hadn’t even asked.

But the question of “What if?” snaked through his thoughts every time they went to bed. Every little gentle order from Tony’s lips to lick him here, or put your hands where I tell you, or keep fucking just like that. Bucky’s mind was finally his, and he wanted to know what it was like to turn everything over willingly, serve himself up to Tony on a silver platter and give in to the safety of his control. **** Tony in lace, Bucky in a collar - do I need to say more??

[tonysnarkstark]

Tony Stark This or That Announcement

I saw all the events being done and thought, a this or that would be really fun and I haven't seen one yet. All info under the cut.

Info:

Tony Stark This or That runs from August 1st to September 30th. You'll receive a personalized this or that card with 14 prompts, you choose 7 (you can always choose both if you want). Same as any other this or that game, you choose one of the two on the line and create something based on it. This is a Tony Stark event, so any pairing, no pairing, Irondad, whatever you want goes.

Sign Up Form

Sign up here

There will be an option to submit prompts and a space to add squicks and triggers. There will also be a SFW and NSFW or both option. Please note: anyone under 18 will automatically be given SFW options only.

More Info About Sign Up

You'll receive your card by August 1st if you sign up by July 31st. If you don't like a prompt, you can ask to have it replaced by messaging the mod who sent the card to you.

Continued sign ups are available, just keep in mind it may take a few days to get your card if it is after August 1st. We'll get it done asap, promise!

As a brand new event, we don't have previously established rules. A post will be along shortly with those. As we go forward, we'll create a FAQ post as well. If you have any questions, feel free to send in an ask to this blog (anon is on!) or DM a mod (@the-mad-starker & @starkerkitty)

Thank you!

[tonysnarkstark]

slowish burn tony x bucky?

A Rifling Matter (ao3) - Penndragon27

Summary: All the Asset knows is fighting, killing.

He also knows a good weapon when he sees one and Stark Industries... they make some great weapons.

dying is an art (i do it exceptionally well) (ao3) - imposterhuman

Summary: everyone knows tony stark- child prodigy, pretentious asshole, et cetera ad nauseum

(spoiler alert: they dont know him at all)

bucky barnes wants to know what about tony is so confusing to him

Fractures (Filled With Liquid Gold) (ao3) - itsallAvengers

Summary: Ultron happened. The Avengers left.

Tony is fine with being alone again. He always worked better as a Lone Wolf than a team player anyway. He's not sleeping or eating or resting or... living, but it's fine. It's good. It's okay.

And then there's James.

Scars (ao3) - Arvensis5

Summary: When Tony tried to urge the homeless guy sleeping on the steps of the Tower’s loading dock to move, he never expected that he'd found Hydra’s pet assassin—James "Bucky" Barnes.

Now, after months of keeping his presence a secret from the Avengers and helping Barnes learn to cope with both his returning memories and the modern world, Hydra is back for their favorite toy and Tony must call in old friends to save the life of the man he just might have come to care for a little too much.

we weren’t stitched up quite right (ao3) - CydSA

Summary: Tony is not sure what to do with himself when he signs out of the Avengers Initiative.

A visitor changes everything

- Tori

[tonysnarkstark]

the theme of this month’s patreon request night was Loki because OF COURSE IT WAS ✨

[tonysnarkstark]

hey alle, so for the prompts i'd love some cute and funny winteriron with bucky wanting to impress tony with his cooking, but tony being a very picky eater. which leads to a lot of frustration on bucky's side, and obliviousness on what is even going on from tony's. if you feel like it. thank you!

Here it is! The long-awaited His Girl FRIDAY remix! I hope you love this as much as I do!

As always, everything I write is on ao3 too

~

The first time Bucky left food in Tony’s workshop and come back to find it untouched, he’d figured it was a fluke. Tony had probably been caught up in a zone—like Steve had warned him about when Bucky had decided he was going to woo Tony with food—and hadn’t noticed the food was even there.

The second time, he made sure to catch Tony’s attention as he was dropping off the plate—lasagna because Natalia had said Tony’s mother was Italian and Bucky made a pretty decent lasagna if he did say so. Tony had glanced at him and then at the plate before turning away with a slightly bewildered frown. Bucky had taken the frown to mean that no one else had ever bothered before to take care of Tony, which was a fact that had just about broken his heart, and left the plate there. He’d gone back later that night to find the lasagna untouched. That had been a little harder to explain away, but he’d eventually decided that maybe Tony was one of those food snobs who only liked Italian food made by actual Italians.

The third time he made oatmeal with a little bit of honey and cream, perfect for someone with as much of a sweet tooth as Tony had, and brought it into the workshop for Tony, who had spent the entire night working on new arrows for Clint.

“Tony?” he called softly, not wanting to startle him. Tony was uncomfortable enough with all the new people moving into the tower after everything with SHIELD and Hydra; being Hydra’s pet assassin, he didn’t want to make it worse by sneaking up on him. “I brought you some breakfast.”

Tony popped up from underneath a table, visibly brightening. “Oh good,” he said cheerfully, making grabby hands at the bowl. “I was just starting to get hungry.” His hair was mussed, two perfect rings of black smeared around his eyes, likely where the goggles currently perched on top of his head had been resting earlier.

Bucky smiled at the adorable display and held out the bowl. Tony eagerly grabbed it, only to blink at it as soon as he saw what was in it.

“Oatmeal?” he asked delicately.

“I thought you’d appreciate having something a little more delicate after not eating for a while,” Bucky explained.

“…Oh.” After another awkward moment, Tony said carefully, “Thanks.”

Satisfied, Bucky left him to his work. This time—this time—Tony would eat it all and then he’d see what an amazing cook Bucky was and how he would absolutely be able to provide for Tony and then he’d swoon into Bucky’s arms and demand that Bucky take him right there.

Okay maybe not right there—the workshop didn’t seem like the best location for amorous activities—but that was why they called it a fantasy, right?

Too bad Tony punctured that fantasy like a balloon.

Bucky went back downstairs long to pick up the bowl after Tony had come up to the common areas, yawning widely and telling everyone he was heading to bed for the next twenty-four hours so don’t bother him unless New York was on fire. It had been a bit of a disappointment that he’d just nodded at Bucky without saying anything about the breakfast or about his everlasting feelings for him, but not nearly as much of a disappointment to walk into the workshop to find the bowl as untouched as all the other meals he’d so painstakingly prepared.

Keep reading

[tonysnarkstark]

Mermen Stony Fic Reclist

Here we go! A bit late, but this is my Mermen Stony fic reclist for Mermay 🧜‍♂️✨

These fics are all sooo lovely, enjoy! 💖

- If The Water's still flowing by @sineala (Explicit, 616, 8.106 words, Interspecies Relationship, Interspecies Sex, Fluff and Smut, Avengers Vol.1)

Summary: When a flight test of Tony's new Iron Man suit model sends him plunging into the depths of the Atlantic, rescue comes from the most unlikely of sources. Tony had thought mermaids were fictional, but this man is very, very real. And Tony certainly never expected the merman to be handsome... and the attraction to be mutual.

- The Boundless Deep by CSHfic, VSfic (Teen and Up Audiences, Avengers (comics), 2.662 words, Merman Tony, World War II, Telepathy, Magical Transformation)

Summary: They found Steve half-drowned on the beach, the wreckage of the plane torn apart and sunk to the bottom of the sea, and insisted that he must have saved himself. After all, mermen didn’t save humans from drowning—that was just absurd.

Gift fic for the prompt: Mermaid Tony pulling Military Officer Steve onto shore after the plane he was on is shot down.

- A Man to Ride the River With by a_sparrows_fall (General Audiences, Marvel 1872, 4.613 words, Western, Fluff, Kissing, Merman Steve)

Summary: Tony discovers something incredible at a sideshow passing through Timely. He never thought mermaids could be real; this changes everything.

- Where the Sea Meets the Sky by @awesomelifechoices (Teen and Up Audiences, MCU, 17.971 words, Crack, Fluff and Humor, Comedy, Little Mermaid Elements, Happy Ending, merman Tony)

Summary: Steve is recuperating in a seaside town when he meets a merman. Or rather, a merman finds him and asks — demands, really — to be taken home with him to learn about the human world. And that isn’t even the strangest part...

- You Are Mine by CatchClaw (Teen and Up Audiences, Captain America Movie, 979 words, Fisherman Steve, Merman Tony, Spells & Enchantments)

Summary: It wasn’t the slap of the water that awakened him, nor the distant cry of the gull.

- Tides by @musicalluna (Teen and Up Audiences, MCU, 1.517 words, Mermaid AU, mermaid Steve and Tony, Romance, Fluff, Secret Relationship, Flirting, Kissing, King Tony Stark, Palace Guard Steve)

Summary: Steve and Tony sneak off to a secret cove to spend time together.

- Seaward on the Waves by @kandisheek (Explicit, MCU, 6.050 words, Tony is Iron Man, Steve is merman, Interspecies Sex, Animal Instincts, Frottage, Misunderstandings, Language Barrier, Hopeful Ending, Underwater Sex, Getting to Know Each Other)

Summary: Tony gets saved from drowning by a merman which, up until that point, he didn't even know existed. He is especially surprised when that merman has no compulsions about being the first of his species to ever have sex with a human. In fact, the mer seems pretty excited about it.

Tony knows an opportunity when he sees one.

- Fractured Moonlight on the Sea by @dreaminglypeach (Teen and Up Audiences, MCU, 1.623 words, Pre-Slash, Merman Tony, Canon-Divergence, Tony is still Iron Man, Fluff and Angst, Rescue)

Summary: As the mysterious object grows nearer, it becomes clearer but no more explicable. There are flashes of red and gold, both washed out by the blueness of the light, moving with the light but not always in the same position in relation to it, and-

It’s a man. The thing traveling in Steve’s direction from below the water is a man. Those are hands, cutting through the water, and a face, a bare torso, the light not attached to the man’s clothing (as Steve first assumed) but actually in his chest. It’s sort of a man, anyway, if Steve doesn’t look any lower than waist height. Below that, the flashes of red and gold are slowly resolving themselves into scales. Scales. The thing heading towards him is a mermaid. Man. Person?

- Sleeping With The Fishes by antigrav_vector (Mature, MCU, 4.503 words, Merman Tony, Getting Together, First Kiss, Implied Sex, Canon Divergence, Flirting, AoU Movie Compliant, Pov fic)

Summary: Steve is human, albeit not baseline. Tony is merfolk. And when they finally get their acts together and talk rather than arguing some more, well, a different kind of sparks start flying.

- merMADE for you by @everybodyilovedies (Teen and Up Audiences, MCU, 3.707 words, AU - The Little Mermaid, merman Steve)

Summary: Tony is a sailor who is injured one night defending his ship. Something saved him. Now Tony is out to find out what... or who? (Steve. Steve the Merman saved him.)

- Devil in the Deep by @captainneverever (Explicit, MCU, 13.668 words, Pining, Courting, Kidnapping, Siren Steve, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Tentacle Sex, Anal Sex)

Summary: The locals tell tales of a monstrous creature living in the Devil's Atolls. Tony Stark ignores the warnings and sets sail into unknown danger.

- The Hot Guy Has a Tail? by @betheflame (Teen and Up Audiences, MCU, 1.506 words, College/University, Merman Steve, Fluff, Flirting with Fins)

Summary: Tony was used to hallucinating. Well, maybe not used to it, but certainly not unfamiliar with it. But he hadn’t taken any shrooms in days, and he’d actually slept more than 2 hours the night before, so the logical conclusion to what he was seeing was that it was actually happening. The hot guy he’d been ogling from his Intro to Western Civ class for months was in the pool. And he had a tail. The hot guy from Western Civ had a tail.

*As always, I'll update the list every time I read something I like! 💕

[tonysnarkstark]

Just re-watched Civil War

And had a very sad realization (shocking? Not a bit)

Mid-fight with Steve, FRIDAY says “You can’t beat him hand-to-hand,” and Tony replies, “Analyze his fight pattern.” And then we actually *see* FRIDAY run the analysis in real-time. I’m talking:

Analysis of Steve’s fighting form and the shield,

an in-depth scan of the suit, and finally

Analysis of the literal impact force of Steve’s hits. 

You could read into this in a lot of different ways. But I’ll tell you what it meant to me. 

It meant that in every interaction Tony could conceive of with Steve, in every contingency Tony ever thought through, in thousands of possibilities Tony Stark never once thought he’d have to fight Steve Rogers. Not seriously.

He didn’t have a plan for it. He didn’t have a preset protocol for FRIDAY to call up. Not even close.

Because ready-for-everything-always Tony Stark — the creator of the Iron Legion; the maker of Veronica and the Hulkbuster; the guy who installed an instant kill mode in Peter’s suit; the guy who slept with his suit at his beck and call every night for months; the guy who has been thinking about Thanos since before he could put a name to the imminent threat he foresaw; Tony my-middle-name-should-be-paranoid (with good reason) Stark — never once considered that he’d be up against Steve Rogers. 

I think that’s heartbreaking. And it says a hell of a lot.