tommysrandomworld

[tommysrandomworld]

You know what sucks? Once again I'm expected to be everyone's emotional sponge. Once again, I'm expected to be there for others and listen to them when they're feeling down and they need someone to talk to. I'm expected to be the one, as usual, who forces all of his mental health problems to the back of the queue, just to make sure everyone else is OK, before even daring to think of myself for once. Everyone comes to me to tell me how they're feeling, because apparently I'm a good friend and a good listener. Cool. That's fine. I'm happy to help when and if I can. If not, I can still listen if it helps you to get it all out in the open, so it's not all locked up inside and you're fit to burst.

But the ONE time I need help, the one time I need someone to be there for ME, to listen to me and be a friend, nobody is to be found. I message a few people who I've come to trust. People I thought actually meant it when they said "I'm here for you when you need me, we're friends for life, whenever you need me, I'll be there", but nope. No response whatsoever, messages haven't even been read. If I'm struggling, it literally doesn't matter, because I'm just ignored. Friendships aren't meant to be one way, but if you dare to tell anyone that, you're a prick.

As time goes on, and as my father ages, his bad temper problems are getting worse and worse. He keeps randomly flying into severe angry rages, over the smallest of things. You can literally make a little joke, or a passing comment, and that will be all it takes and he flies into a blind rage, where he gets angrier and angrier, his voice gets louder and louder, and no matter what you try to say or do, nothing calms him down at all. Over time, it's happening more and more often. I'm living in the same house as him, as I can't handle being on my own so have no choice. It's alright for my sister to keep saying "move out, then you won't have to deal with it anymore, you're a 38 year old man who still lives with his father, grow up and move out", but when you have a brain like I do, who couldn't handle living on his own right now, mentally, financially or emotionally, and being expected to be dealing with life as easily as everyone else, it's not as easy as just "moving out". I feel like I can't be myself anymore, and that sucks, especially when I don't feel I can be myself around even my own fucking dad anymore, in fear of him kicking off and flying into a blind uncontrollable rage that could trigger some sort of aneurysm or burst blood vessel or a heart attack or something in his brain or whatever. It's scaring me every single day.

What else that doesn't help is that he goes on about health this, health that, every single day. Expects me to take a handful of different pills and vitamins every single day. Expects me to take my health very seriously, attend umpteen doctors appointments etc every year, pump my body full of strange chemicals that I know absolutely nothing about, just to "stay healthy". OK, fine. However. He out and out REFUSES to do anything like that himself. Won't even have a standard blood test. Won't have a standard health check, just to rule out anything that MIGHT be wrong with him, or the start of something being wrong with him. He has a history of cancer in his family, with people dying from it and contracting it early in their lives. He gets letters through the mail, calling him in for a health check, a cancer screening, a brain check, a kidney screening, a heart check, anything like that, and he just rips the letter in half and throws it straight into the bin. The doctors send him cancer screening kits to the house, where all he has to do is follow the instructions and send it back to them, and he destroys them and hides any proof of them coming to him from me. When he's asked by my sister about why he refuses to take his health seriously, he says "I'd rather not know, because if I do have a health check, it's all I'd be able to think about. I wouldn't be able to sleep or do day to day tasks, because it's all that would be on my mind". That's ok then isn't it, as the only thing on both my sister's and my minds are "you fool". He says the only time he would ever go for a health check is if he starts exhibiting symptoms of illnesses or cancer or anything like that. The problem with that is, that means he's left it too late. Both myself and my sister have said to him words along the lines of "wouldn't you want to know if there is something wrong, so you could nip it in the bud and stop it from getting any worse, so you can do what you always say and be here for as long as possible?" but no, he's still as stubborn as ever and refuses. If she speaks to him about it, he speaks to her calmly and softly and normally, no problem. However, if I dare to say anything about it whatsoever, instantly he once again flies into a blind rage and starts shouting and screaming, throwing things around, breaking things, yelling his head off, calling me all the names under the sun, telling me he wants me gone and wants nothing to do with me, brings up random things to blame me for, and the only way he will even attempt to calm down is storming off out of the house and slamming the door as hard as he can, bounding off down the road yelling his head off into the night, badly embarrassing himself. This is usually when it gets dark outside, and people are trying to relax in their homes, but instead have to listen to his anger and rage in the street. He then comes home, still angry and raging, but then out of the blue just expects me to be ok with it all, tries to hug me and acts like nothing happened, with a literal snap of the fingers. That's what scares me, because that kind of behaviour at his age, it's not normal in any sense of the word. It starts to make me worry that he has the early signs of dementia, but of course we can't say that either, in fear of him losing it again and ending up in a bad way, in the hospital.

It's scaring me, because I'm terrified that I'm going to have to do the same thing he did, when he discovered my mother dead, in the recliner downstairs in the living room. I'm terrified that I'm going to find him dead, and I'll be left with nobody. My dad means literally everything to me. He's more important to me than anyone or anything in my life. This is why it scares me so much when he completely refuses to acknowledge that at his age (70 in a matter of a few months), that he needs to take this more seriously if he wants to stay alive for as long as he can, and have a health check or a cancer screening, but he won't.

I almost took my own life, when my mother died in 2023 in this house I live in, and how the hell I am still alive, I don't know. I ask myself why I didn't have the courage to do it, and take all of my pills that I had laid out. I question it every day as to why I had no courage.

I am telling anyone who does see this or somehow comes across this post randomly. Whenever the day comes when it is my father's time to die, I will be dying with him. I will take the quickest and painless way of taking my own life, as I simply will not be able to handle life without my dad being in it. Maybe take a lethal amount of my medication or somehow get the doctor to prescribe a course of sleeping pills, and take them all at once so I pass in my sleep. I refuse to live in a world where I am well and truly alone. I'm miserable enough now, but when my dad does go, I'll be going with him.

So yeah, that's my feelings for today. It is 5.15am here and I can't sleep. No surprise there.

[tommysrandomworld]

The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (1988-1991)

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Vitalijus Butyrinas Elegy

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Me When I Love

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via

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2 a.m. Currently.

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I know I say this a lot, but why are the majority of my friendships only one way? I'm always there for others when they need me. Always there to put a smile on people's faces. Always there for a shoulder to cry on. To make sure others are smiling, laughing and feeling better about themselves. But where is everyone when the shoe is on the other foot and I dare to struggle with my head? Nowhere to be found. Excuses made not to talk to me. When I ask people "Hey, fancy doing something?" And they reply "Sure" but then I say "come get me and we'll go here" you see the cogs going round in their head to make an excuse not to make the effort for me for once. Oh they're happy to do something if I come to them, but if they have to make the effort, nope, not interested. I just give up with it all, I really do. Friendships are meant to be two way things, not just one person making all the effort, one person doing all the running and putting themselves out. Ugh.

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Don't you just love it when you make a friend and you chat every single day for hours and hours, have each other's backs when times are shitty, and then all of a sudden someone better comes along, and you're just cast to the side? It feels like I was just a temporary place holder until someone better came along, and now I've been thrown away. Went from seeing them at least twice a month to now not seeing them for over two months, and not one bit of effort made to see me or speak to me, unless I message them first. They used to message me all the time to make sure I was OK, and now it feels like they literally couldn't care less. Let's see if they realise that I'm not gonna make it a one way friendship, let's see if they make the effort to speak to me for once. You ARE allowed to have friends when you have a partner, you don't have to ignore the people who were there for you before they came along. It happens far too often for my liking. I make a friend, we get on amazingly, message multiple times every single day, continually make sure one another is doing ok and makes sure they've got a smile on their face, and then all of a sudden they get a partner and it's radio silence unless I message them first, and even then it's lucky if I get a response. I get more messages from their mother than I do from them! Funny that isn't it? Their mother is more of a friend to me than someone who is supposed to be my BEST FRIEND! Oh her mother will message me to make sure I'm OK, but my actual so called friend? Nope, nothing unless I message first! Sad isn't it? Their mother messages me at least twice a day to make sure I'm OK, but it's radio silence from my actual so called friend!

Who was there for you when you were having mental breakdowns, when you were crying your eyes out, and wanted to die? Me. Who was there to make sure you could get through your day and made sure to give you support every step of the way when you just wanted to give up? Me. Who helped you out with money when you needed it, even without even a second thought, and even though it was gonna leave me struggling for money, but I knew you needed it and you meant more to me than money? Me. Who helped you through a horrible breakup when you found out your ex was scum? Me! Who stayed on the phone with you on your drive home after you found out, and made sure you got home safely, and even phoned you afterwards to keep you on the phone so you didn't go into your head and start blaming yourself, even though phone calls set my anxiety on fire and makes my skin crawl? Me. Who thought he had a best friend for life and now feels absolutely shitty because I realise I was just used for support and now ignored? Me.

I hate that shit. It's happened all of my life. I'm always the one to make the effort and keep other's happy, but then where are people when I need them? Nowhere to be found. I struggle with my mental health 24/7, but I try my best to hide it and push it to the side, just to make sure others are OK. I care more about everyone else, than I do for myself. It's always been the way, I don't know why. If my friends are happy, then that's all that matters to me. I come second. It would just be nice for once to feel like others cared instead of it just being a one way street. Yes I'm struggling. Yes I am crying on a daily basis. Yes I don't want to be here anymore. Yes I feel like absolute shit. But who cares, eh?

[tommysrandomworld]

Michael — The Lost Boys (1987)

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Still makes me laugh that there hasn't even been a trailer for the new Superman film yet, and people are saying it's going to be "the worst superhero film in history", all on the premise of a few photos taken on someone's phone of some of the characters during filming. You don't know the story, you don't know what's gonna happen, yet just because you hate the comic book accurate costumes for some of the characters, it automatically means the entire film is going to be the worst film you have ever seen in your life. Weird behaviour to exhibit when you haven't even seen a trailer yet. I'm gonna give it a chance and actually watch it before instantly panning it. If it IS awful, at least I can say I've given it a fair chance instead of just going with the sheep and laugh reacting all the posts that are made about it.

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MJF doing the Panama Sunrise

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Thinking about the werewolf from the hate mail Lemgo council pharmacist David Welman (1595 - 1669) got after being accused of being a werewolf

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Dååth - Hex Unending (Official Video)

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New favorite aesthetic - Janeway curled up or stretched out reading

Star Trek Voyager s05e11 Latent Image