todearself

[todearself]

This is a story, about my father, ayah.

He is not highly educated man, penoreh getah. Growing up, i know we are not rich or in other word- miskin. But every year, mesti akan ada baju,kasut, beg sekolah yang baru despite knowing money is really not enough. Can still remember ayah brought us to Rompin to buy kelengkapan sekolah yang baru. Rompin is really quite far from home. But the prices way more cheaper, hence there we go kedai ekonomi rompin. Walaupun duit sekadar cukup2, i never need to berlapar. There is always food at home. Tak pernah sekali pun ayah tak bagi duit belanja sekolah. Dulu dulu rasa kan best kalau dapat makan ayam hari2, sebab selalunya lauk kat rumah is always ikan.

Ayah hantar dan jemput sekolah daily without miss. There is many time i need to ride home with ayah and with 2 other siblings. Means that there are four of us on the motorbike. Cant really remember how i felt at that time, the only thing i remember, sempit sangat, tak muat..

Fast forward to the latest memory before ayah left..

Delivered a baby, balik berpantang di kampung. Everyday, every morning ayah akan collect plastic sampah dlm bilik yg dh penuh dgn pampers dan buang, lepas tu ayah letak plastic baru. Ayah akan tanya mak hari2 nak beli apa nak masak untuk makan pantang. Nak kena ke kk untuk follow up baby, husband dh kena balik keje. Ayah tak boleh drive sbb mata dh tak nampak. Then ayah will ask around utk tolong hantar ke kk. Mintak cik mahat then cik bakar hantar. Also ada few time masa pantang rasa dah buat salah dgn ayah. Didnt want to mention, only making my heart ache even more.

Masa pantang juga in jan 2024,at midnight, suddenly ayah complaint of sob and nampak ayah dah gasping. I know, its the renal failure. After that startla rutin ayah hd 1,3,5.

Sempat sambut raya, the last raya with ayah in march 2024. They are celebrating birthday ayah in may 2024, the last birthday. Didnt attend, cant remember why. Few days after that, mak ambulance call from home, ayah not responsive. Admitted hjem, mssa bacteremia require 6/52 iv abx. Almost completed abx, ayah desat, cxr worsening require np to fm to hfm but still tachypneic. The night i visited ayah, saw ayah tachypneic on hfm, tired, lethargic. Decided for intubation. Ayah refused, ayah cakap kenapa nak kena tidurkan ayah?sampai bila? I said kalau ayah dah ok nanti kita cabutla tiub tu…. However deep down i dont know..

Intubated sent htan. 1/12 unable to extubate, did tracheostomy. Send back hjem. However ayah no longer himself. He is in pain and suffer. During suctioning, with sacral sore.

Able to bring ayah home, end of august. Went back home weekend before ayah left. Little that i know, that was the last time…..

Before going back, salam ayah, tunjuk daneen dekat ayah . Ayah senyum. Ayah senyum, with sadness in his eyes…

I forgot to ask forgiveness from him.

I didnt say that i love him, never said this throughout my life.

If only i know that was the last time i would say

Ayah, kak cik minta maaf. Byk buat salah, buat ayah kecil hati. Terima kasih dah banyak berkorban dan besarkan kak cik…

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Ya Allah ampunkanlah dosa ayah, ringankan lah azab kubur. Tempatkanlah ayah di dalam syurga Engkau. Ya Allah, aku bersaksi, ayah dah jalan kan tanggungjawab sbg seorg ayah dengan sempurna.

———————————————————————

And hence i always refused to talk about ayah. My heart, my mind cant accept it. The only thing left in me is the regret and the why and the if only. If only this and that…

[todearself]

Ya Allah

Ya Allah rezekikan lah untuk berjumpa dengan superior yg baik ya allah.

Dont want to be here anymore

[todearself]

© Omar Djaknoun

[todearself]

Ya Allah please let me out of this place

[todearself]

Ada kad ni. Asyik main telefon je

What the. Dgn suara kuatnya semua org dengar. And ada 1 je kad.

Yes kaula yg terpaling tgk pt , yg terpaling rajin, yg terpaling bagus

Aku bukan org pemalas. Walaupun dlm otak aku fikir harap cepat pukul 5 nak balik, aku still tahu apa kena buat

[todearself]

Panasnyaaaa

Sakit kepala

Sakit badan

Batuk

Selesema

[todearself]

Mengantuk. Tak sabar nak balik

[todearself]

Tak sabar nak cuti

[todearself]

Ya Allah, I am struggling here at my new workplace. Help me Ya Allah. It is tiring. Physically and emotionally.

[todearself]

[todearself]

A gleam of hope in the darkness

[todearself]

Perlu ke tinggi suara

[todearself]

Penatnyaaa

But still alhamdulillah

Kalau dulu everyday anxious and palpitation

But now on Wednesday only

So chin up, face it

.

.

Walaupun dalam hati takut je sebenarnya.... Sobs. Bila lah nak berakhir ketakutan ni

[todearself]

Ya Allah. Please help me

[todearself]

Why so hard. Why so expensive. Why so difficult

[todearself]

Menyampah

[todearself]

Bila aku sedar yg aku jahat, rasa benci dan geram kat orang, aku Cuba justify balik sebenarnya okay je aku rasa mcm tu. Dah org tu buat benda yg menyakitkan hati banyak banyak kali, mcm mana nak sabar. Tapi another part of me said, why couldn't you be a little bit more patient? Its not like that person will be here for a long time.

And hence

My emotions become so haywire

Aku marah kat orang lain sbb nak lepas kan marah yg tak terlepas tu

Aish...