todayisalwaysanewday

[todayisalwaysanewday]

Inner conflicts of dating as a semi-adult

I just got off the phone with Matt and he was bummed about not getting the space x position. I felt really bad that he didn’t get it for a lot of reason, one, I feel bad because he would have made a great addition to space x because I know just how smart and capable he is, two, because I know it made him feel really bad and just pushed his confidence down and that makes sense but its hard to see him feel that way about himself, and three, because I know that he doesn’t realize or see that he did a really good job and made it further than most fresh graduate could because he didn’t get the position. And I don’t like that he completely is dismissing that entire experience, but also I know that, that will just come with time. He’s not gonna feel like that way right away and I’m not going to force him to.

I also felt a lot of different feelings after that conversation as a whole. I mean I think for a while I was convinced that long distance was something we were going to do and I am almost confident that we can do it. But also I have just been shaking off the feeling every time I think about it in the back of my mind that it just won’t work out. Obviously this isn’t what I want to happen to us, and I’m not trying to manifest it, which I feel like I kinda am by just writing it out and expressing it to myself in writing right now. scary. But I think doubt is a pretty valid emotion to be dealing with when dating through not just a soon to be long distance relationship but a huge transition in our lives and relationship dynamic. 

I fear that logically speaking, or maybe it not logical because I’m basing everything off of what Ik about relationship or ig grown up relationship —> which btw it through movies and tv shows, but also thats even based on life in a sense. People writing about the human experience and portraying it in film, some over dramatized and others closer to the ugly truth that is reality. But a lot of relationships end when the person you are dating or are seeing in a romantic or even ig an nonromantic way start losing things that connect them to each other. These things could be a lot of different factors like music taste, similar classes, hobbies, similar experiences, etc. BUT I’m focusing more on the relationship failure trope of being in different stages of life. 

Like your close with someone or in this case your in a relationship with someone and at first your on the same boat, in school (this example is very specific to myself) but your both in school, still in the early adult/still a kid stage of your lives. Your experiencing college for the first time, everything so new, everything matter, but almost still nothing matter, u worry about ur future while still trying to live in the moment you are given before real adulthood hits you in the face. My point is your taking everything seriously not to seriously, but once this era is over the things you could get away with before, not so much anymore, the freedom to rebel, is looking more and more reckless Im not really sure exactly how to put this but I think what I’m trying to portray is these two eras in your life are very different and your pov has changed completely.

And with that, we are coming to the realization that we are no longer walking the same path in life, or at least not at the same pace and at one point one person stops relating as much to the other. Or the things that they used to like about the other person, the things that made you ask them out if the first place no longer seem appealing, no longer are seen as good traits, until you finally come to the conclusion that you aren’t the people you were when you first got together. And that is my fear that I keep lurking in the back of my head but I try my best to shake off.

But also it is a thing that happens that I cant be angry about because its out of anyones control. Which hurts my heart more when I think about it, or write about it. And its also one I don’t know how to fully express to Matt, mainly because its too hard to express emotionally, but also because I don’t want to have that conversation and it result in something I want to push off for as long as a can, so I can be with the stupid boy that literally has my whole heart and doesn’t even know it.

[todayisalwaysanewday]

2 year later

WOw so I didn't write in a while and reading what i wrote from like the beginning of 7th grade is weird to see how much has changed. I just started my first year of high school its crazy I know no one else will see these blog posts I'm doing but I will and its kind of cool that I can read things from so long ago maybe Ill just keep writing whenever I can so I can have these little journal logs as memories. So yah today is November 17 2014 and I'm in HIGH SCHOOL can you (I) believe it, its weird everything is just weird I've been in highschool for like 2 months and some days I am now building my way up to being a grown up. My friend I was talking about before that i wasnt talking to yah well we talk more but its not the same we will no longer ever had the friendship we used to have it seemed like thats what I wanted then but now its not. I wont say his name but that friend has been my friend since kindergarten, he was the first real friend I ever made I mean some of my friends I have known longer i love them all but I mean I didnt really make them on my own it was like they were given to me... it sounds wierd I know but i mean all of those friends that I love and are important to me there parents were friends with my parents so I guess that made us friends, I dont know.TBH i regret losing him as a friend I remember when we were just kids I mean I thought i would have this guy in my life forever but i pushed im away and now well hes doing fine without me and I mean so am I but if he was there i bet it would be even finER so i guess I'm sorry no ... I KNOW im sorry. Wow okay well yah that happened and a lot more that boy i was crushing on Im not anymore and that all i have to say about that. Moving on, my other very close guy friend ill call him sky well we didnt talk at all during the end of 8th grade and i have no idea why, he was one of my friends that I have been with even before kindergarden the "given". Well a quick side not back in kindergarden all the way up to 7th grade it was me, sky and my other ex guy friend lets call him new yup me, sky, and new I really miss that. Well yah me and sky stopped talking for whatever reason till the ending of the summer literally the end it was the last day before school, freshmen year. I wont go into detail but we did and yet again it was distant still he was awkward for whatever reason and one day he texted me saying how much he wanted to hang with me and talk and do what ever as long as he was with me... I have no idea what he meant and I still dont. He never talked about it therefor I never mentioned anything about it and then he grew distant again but I mean we still hang but yet again I dont know, I know for a fact that I dont want to lose him no matter what I never want anything to happen like what happened between me and new. There is also the L.C incident well this one it alittle different and unexpected trust me if I read this 2 years ago i wouldnt even believe it but it happened and heres the story. So well Im friends with this girl lets call her L.C and not until 8th grade we became besties and I mean it besties its weird and my parents didnt mind her untill the incident basically we went to the mall and got caught for shoplifting yup shoplifting she was doing the lifting but I was there and I didnt stop her ... why didnt I stop her not to mention this happened on the day you ( I ) got accepted into ITA so my parents are super proud and then they get the phone call. I was depressed that whole month my parents didnt want me to be friends with her no more but it was hard i mean she was my best friend we did everything together I dont know what i do know was that all i thought about that month was what type of person i as meant to be I mean was I a bad kid it was hard and were still friends in secret my parents dont know. She apologized to me during the summer and well i dont know I do believe in second chances and that the story of L.C. Highschools crazy and scary and I dont want to think about the future at all so I wont, but yah a lot is going to happen and a lot it going to change and i have a love hate relationship on the idea of change but lets see how it plays out. But before I go I want to let you know that there are many other very important characters to you (my) life like Lilo (best friend), water ( another best friend) , puff (another guy bestie) and more but these people are important very, there stories just havent been told yet theres and many others, but i guess youll just have to wait.

To be continued >>>

[todayisalwaysanewday]

the beginning

im your average girl with all the same problems you probably have but im soo tired of holding all my problems in, that now im starting to right about them. School started a month ago and already there is drama all around the school whether it has to do with me or not. For me nothin much happens. I mean ......  im not speaking to my friend that i have been friends with sence kindergarden and my crush is goin out with my friend so i have to try not to like him. and i starting to see who my true friends are. MY friend im talking about well hes a guy hah. IM mad at him cause he wont leave me alone he always starts liking me and hes soo damn touchy like i dont want a frand like that soo i said that he needed to give some space but he WONT F'N LISTEN !!!!! soo now im not speaking to him and i blocked him on facebook too like the BAD ASS THAT I AM B)!!! and now he thinks i dont like him cause i hang out with other ppl he has too stop blaming everyone else and just blame himself. i though i might could be friends with him but now that everythin has i happened im starting to think i wont be friends with him at all FOREVER!!!! NOT to mention a boy i kinda used to have a thing with during the summer now goes to my school now which is my best frands ex and we are like the BEST BUDS now. IS that weird..? IDK all i know is that i dont like him tho but for some reason im kinda jelly that he has i new girlfriend. And my crush well he was my best frands boyfriend in the beganning of the year and then she started not liking him i tried everthing so she would break up with him cause i knew then i will like him and well she did and now im still crushing on him and now he has a new girlfrand which is my other frand and im planning to put my A GAME ON TO GET HIM TO LIKE ME !!!  well its the weekend i wonder what will happen on MONDAY ....

TO BE CONTINUED >>>