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[toastycookie1]

How Sam deals with his fear of clowns now

Supernatural S15 E01 “Back and to the Future”

[toastycookie1]

If I Can’t Have You

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 1,067

Description: The reader is best friends with Dean and has developed feelings for him. He recently gets a girlfriend, and the reader can’t get over him.

Warnings: sad feels, angst, more sad feels

A/N: Hi! I’m J! Welcome to my first one shot on this platform. I hope you enjoyed and please leave feedback, I really appreciate it! I just want to thank you so much for choosing to read my work. Also, please bare with me as I have recently returned back to writing and am fairly new to the SPN fandom. Thank you :)

Let’s hope I don’t accidentally delete this for the third time

Is it too late to tell you that everything means nothing if I can't have you?

They were perfect for each other.

Dean’s girlfriend was so flawless, not to mention that her personality complemented Dean’s. Her understanding and patience for him balanced out Dean’s complexity in a way that made him soft at times. They had been dating for a few months, yet they acted like they were together for years.

On the other hand, you actually knew the brothers for quite some time. You met Sam first at Stanford when you two were partnered up for a class project. You both instantly bonded, and a close platonic friendship developed. One night, you had caught Sam sneaking out in the middle of the night, and that’s when you met Dean. Dean’s car trunk was open when you arrived there, and you discovered they were raised in the hunting life, just as you were. Though, only up until you lost your parents right before college started. Rather forcing you to become a hunter for life, your parents encouraged you to pursue a real education, and that hunting was only a backup or way to defend yourself, kind of like martial arts. You followed what they preferred you to do, but since their death, all you wanted to do was to return to hunting. Yet, you still continued through to college. You confessed to the boys about your loss of motivation for school, and it was enough to convince them to allow you to tag along. Since then, you had only grown closer to the brothers, especially after Sam lost Jess.

Typically after an exhausting hunt, you and Sam headed back to your outdated motel rooms to rest, while Dean went out for a drink. He wanted to blow off some steam by picking up the first woman he found at the bar. More recently, you realized that Dean didn’t go out as often, mainly because you guys had settled down at the Men of Letters’ bunker. Occasionally, Dean would compliment you for fun, and you reciprocated, even though you became unsure of your attraction towards him. Soon though, you would find yourself wishing if those exchanges of flattery could mean more. Sam easily discovered your feelings for Dean, and he fully supported you, encouraging you to confess to him. Over time, you had mustered up the confidence to tell Dean, but as usual, you were too late, a trait you could never shed.

“Y/N?” Sam interrupted your thoughts. You were both sitting in the library of the bunker.

“Hm?”

“Everything alright?”

Dean and his girlfriend were about to go out for the night. You watched the couple at the stairs laugh and smile at each other, and your mind wandered to imagine yourself in that place. You let out a big sigh.

Sam lowered his voice, “is it because of them?”

You remained silent.

“Y/N” Sam repeated.

“I’m going to bed. Good night, Sam.”

You woke up Saturday morning and checked the time. 9am. By this time, Dean would be making his Saturday morning breakfasts for the three of you. Sadly, there was no scent of cooked bacon that lingered in the air. No bacon means no Dean. He didn’t return home last night. You shook off the feeling of despair that was forming, and got up from bed. You found a note on your bedside.

Went out for a run, I’ll be back soon. -S

It looks like you’ll have the bunker to yourself this morning. You took a quick shower, putting on some sweatpants and one of your own oversized flannels. 99% of the time you borrowed the boys’ flannels, but sometimes you felt bad. You made your way into kitchen, preparing some coffee and breakfast for yourself. You were able to almost replicate the way Dean made bacon, making some extra just in case he came home while you were eating. Once you finished cooking breakfast, you sat down at the table and began eating. When you were almost done, you heard the door open. Your heart skipped a beat, but you relaxed once you realized it could be Sam.

“Y/N? Sam?” the familiar gruff voice called out.

“Sam went out on a run,” you answered.

Dean followed your voice to the kitchen, his face lit up when he saw you.

“Good morning,” he greeted with a smile.

“Mornin’ Dean. I wasn’t sure when you’d be back but I made you some coffee and bacon.”

“Mmm you’re a blessing, Y/N.”

You couldn’t help but smile. But of course he didn’t mean it the way you wanted him to.

“How was last night?” You wanted to care, even though it was painful to do so.

“It was great, as usual,” Dean replied, sitting down across from you.

That reply stung a little.

“That’s good,” you mumbled, getting up and cleaning yourself up. You hid a single tear that had formed.

“Hey, come sit with me for a while.”

“I have some work I have to do,” you lied. All you wanted was to go back to your room.

“Come on, when was the last time it was just us?”

“Before your girlfriend,” you blurted out.

Shoot.

“What?”

“Nothing, nevermind.”

You were about to leave the room when a hand grabbed your arm at the door frame. You felt Dean rotate you so that you both were facing each other, but your eyes were focused on the ground beside him.

“Y/N, talk to me, please.”

You stayed silent.

“At least look at me?”

More tears were developing as you felt Dean lift your chin, forcing you to look into his gorgeous green eyes. He immediately enveloped you into a hug, only to find you pushing away. He released you and gave you a confused look.

Dean took a deep breath.

“Look,” he began, “I’m trying my best to divide up my time with the three of you, and if it doesn’t seem like it, all you have to do is let me know. We’ve been over this before.”

“No, it’s not that.” You looked away from Dean.

“Then what, Y/N? I need you to look at me, please. What’s wrong? I’ve had a feeling something was off but you never want to talk with me about it. I just assumed I was overreacting and nothing was wrong.”

You took a deep breath.

“It’s hurts, Dean. I’m hurt. Why? Because I can’t have you as mine, and if I can’t have you, nothing matters anymore.”

Your tears began to blur your vision as you looked at Dean. He seemed speechless. At that moment, you felt embarrassed, so you left the kitchen. As you were dragging your feet behind you in the hallway, part of you wanted him to chase after you. You know, like those cliché moments in chick flicks. He would stop in front of you and give you the look that changed everything. Sparks would fly between the two of you. Maybe he would even break the rules and give you a k-

No. You tried to clear your thoughts, pushing away the moment you have been longing for since you realized how you felt towards him. And you know what happened? He didn’t stop you. He doesn’t feel the same way. He doesn’t care. He just let you go.

A/N: Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it :) Part 2??

QOTD: Do you feel you’re ready for season 15? (in 6 days as of today)

A: Yes but at the same time no! I’m excited to see new episodes but I feel it’ll be over before I know it :(