to-the-island-of-souls

[to-the-island-of-souls]

I feel so stucked. In that house we bought that I had so much hope on. I guess we're highly motivated individuals when it comes to ideas but much less in action.

I don't feel like leaving Saguenay, but I don't want to do a move out again... I've had enough movings for 4 lifetimes.

I'm not sure, though, I can cope with living with them. Just being with them makes me anxious. I didn't leave just for fun, back then in 2010.

I feel terribly unmotivated about life in general, especially when thinking about going back to work. I like my life rythm right now.

Working out, gaming, learning... I'm finally doing things I love. I had 13 days sober in december, and now sober since December 31st. I don't want to drink ever again but, I hate my life and self so much, it's hard not to try to slow-kill myself.

That's all.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

Même si je maigris, j'suis quand même une grosse dégueulasse pleine de bouffe.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

Sober

Going on 11 days in a couple of hours. The first 10 days were not even that hard.

But today is something. My brain craves a high big time. Tomorrow I'll beat my longest time sober since my alcohol problem began without limerence. I did 7 days in march, 12 days in rehab last year... Now aiming to beat 25 days (limerence for my actual bf) and then I'll have to beat 5 months and I'll be on a new record ! I must must must stop telling myself that I can do it just once and be alright. Remember the days you drank and cried, remember the hangovers where you didn't see when you would be able to sober yourself again. Remember CPS is after you and you told them about it so you better do things right.

Reading ''Dopamine nation'' from Anna Lembke, which is one of the best reads for sobering. When you realize it's just your brain trying to re-balance itself and that one drink WILL just have me start all over again... DON'T. DO. IT.

You are capable to find pleasure again outside the drink. Just. be. patient.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

Somehow I lost 5lbs in 3 days sooo back down to 133.4lbs but certainly doesn’t look like it🥲🙃 at least my job keeps me from eating till 8 at night and not being able too drink when I like…no time for workouts though…

[to-the-island-of-souls]

10/18/18

Just a leg check before genetics. I hate myself

[to-the-island-of-souls]

Restaurants Safe Foods Masterpost

Food from my master post, this is just so you don’t have to scroll through the whole thing if you didn’t want to on my masterpost

A&W

Applebees

Arbys

Bojangles

Burger King

Bj’s

Carrabas

Cheddars

Chick-Fil-A

Chilis

Chipotle

Chuck E Cheese

Cici’s

Cracker Barrel

Culivers

Dairy Queen/Orange Julius

Denny’s

Dominos

Dunkin Donuts

Fire House Subs

Five Guys

Fuddruckers

Golden Coral

Hard Rock

In and Out Burger

IHOP

Jasons Deli

KFC

Krispy Kreme

Little Caesers

Krystals

Logans Road House

Long Horn Steak House

McAlisters Deli

McDonalds

Movie Theaters

Olive Garden

Outback Steak House

Panda Express

Panera Bread Co.

Papa Johns

Papa Murphys

Pizza Hut

Popeyes

PF Changs

Red Robins (yuUUMMM)

Ruby Tuesday

Sonic

Steak and Shake

Subway

Taco Bell

Texas Road House

Tim Hortons

Waffle House

Wendy’s

White Castle

Zaxbys

[to-the-island-of-souls]

8-6-24

6-6-24 : Je sais pas ce qu'il se passe, mais depuis 2 mois je suis complètement vidée épuisée - On avait reparlé dernièrement que mon fer remontait - j'ai continué de faire ce qu'il faut - Mais là j'suis fatiguée et essouflée. Juste me lever pour aller chercher un verre d'eau je suis a bout de souffle. Pas obese, j'ai même perdu du poids je suis a 180. En arrêt de travail.

C'est le moment ou jamais. Je dois foncer la tête baissée. C'est jamais un seul verre : c'est LE verre, qui me ramènera en enfer. Et oui, c'était ''si pire que ça''.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

Do better

I did a seven-in-a-row (March 8th to March 15th) Feels so good. I slipedeeslipped yesterday but I'm aiming for 14 now (April's fool day).

I can do this. Grateful : _ Tasty healthy food - Patience with my colleagues - Laughing more (according to S.)À - Enjoying video games Haven't lost weight, which is disappointing but I'll focus on sobriety for now. TNM was somehow helpful, but ain't gonna pay for the whole year.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

C'est degueulasse. Lasse .lasse... De lostie de marde.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

I don't know how to break this cycle of intergenerational trauma.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

Last time. It's the last time. I'm 100% fucked.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

For those with more stigmatized mental health issues, immeasurable pain, unbearable emptiness, all-consuming rage, painful loneliness, antisocial thoughts and behaviors, “scary” symptoms like psychosis, low empathy, personality disorders, and other traits that get villainized by society:

I love you. You matter. How you were treated was cruel and you deserve nothing but happiness. You belong in this world and it’s not fair that it has hurt you so much. Better days are ahead. There are people who care. Your reactions to trauma are valid. No one deserves what you went through. You don’t have to go it alone. I care so much about you and you deserve all the love and support in the world.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

This trauma was never adressed before aa it should have been and honestly, I feel that there is so much coming from there.

Thoughtfulness is the way to go.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

Social worker was worried, police and paramedics showed at home friday while I was very ebriated and full of blood from superficial cutting.

Now all my support system inclunding my ex believe I tried to commit suicide. I was getting drunk to prevent suicide... Ugh.

I feel fucking ashamed and guilty.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

it's 8:48 and I'm already huffing.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

80 / 120 hours since sober - 5th day

Depressed. Wanna die. I've never been that good at anything, i'm not nice and not as good looking as I thought. Also fat.

Must write letters to people I love. The end is nigh.

Sucked dick. Went to the groceries. Went for breakfast. Came home with S. If he wasn't there I don't know how I would've made it so long. Went out for light bulbs. Came home for more sex. Huffing. Ate steak. A very good ice cream treat.

Now more depressed. Want more huffing to cope. Hoarding my lorazepam for better purposes.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

44 hours since factual sobriety

85 hours since official day

I feel like absolute useless garbage. I'm emptily motivated for sobriety but I feel I've become stupid, mean, fat and ugly beyond repair. Can't stop crying.

I hope I can find faith in life again