tjsweetcheeks

[tjsweetcheeks]

Just dreaming and hoping ☀️

[tjsweetcheeks]

May 2018

My grumpy mood lifted after meeting and talking to another patient. She reminded me of myself 20 years ago. She was so young and full of positivity and determination. The smile on her face and her strength of character in such a worrying situation gave me a much needed boost.

Weekly chemo is tough. Not because it makes you feel ill but because it feels intense and each treatment day comes round far too quickly. Added to that I feel like I should become a vampire! I've had 3 blood transfusions over the last few months as my HB is so low. Low HB makes you feel totally wiped out and exhausted which does affect daily life. Having blood definitely gives you a boost and helps to make you feel like a new person again but requires yet another day in the hospital. Good job I have my best friends there!

This week I am hoping to be able to go on holiday. Absolutely everything is crossed that my blood count is high enough for me to have chemo. I am dreaming of sun, sand, gorgeous cocktails and time with my gorgeous hubby. I think a few days away will do us both the world of good 🤞☀️☀️

[tjsweetcheeks]

May 2018

Grumpy, low, miserable, fed up and frustrated! Yep that about covers my mood today. It's not because I feel crap because other than tired I feel pretty good. With each new treatment I feel like the sign in my head gets bigger; Cancer, stay away! People can be thoughtless with their, words, actions or lack of one or the other. I have family who are unable to even ask how I am, or have begun to make me feel like they're distancing themselves from me by shutting me out a little, friends, susposedly good ones, that look at me with pity and the best they can do is offer to do my shopping. It drives me mad, making me feel uncomfortable like it's sometimes the elephant in the room and the end result is my good mood disintegrates into one of tears and feeling sorry for myself. All I want and all I have ever wanted is to have people around me who care and still want to do the normal things we used to do, such as have a night out, girly chats putting the world to rights over a glass of wine. When I need my shopping or ironing doing I will ask but it certainly isn't now! I would understand them finding things difficult if all I did was cry but I don't, never have and never will. I just want my family and friends to treat me normally. I may have cancer but I'm still me and right now I feel like shutting everyone out for good.

I guess I'm having a bad day 😕

[tjsweetcheeks]

Hope …

April 2018

I really hoped that the Olaparib which was the maintenance treatment I was taking would be successful and that I would be able to grab life with both hands for the foreseeable future. Unfortunately that has not been the case. By mid February I was aware that the cancer had stormed back into my life making me have to deal with the harsh reality once more. I am not sure it ever left, it just lay silently for a month or so but now it is on the move and was making me feel unwell. I had Ascites fluid in my abdomen and my haemoglobin has been very low leaving me feeling tired and lethargic.

My first reaction was one of disappointment. I am normally totally realistic about my expectations of where this journey will take me but I really hoped and expected that I wouldn’t have to face chemotherapy again anytime soon. However that’s the catch, nothing is ever straightforward and there are no guarantees as to how the progression of this disease will present itself. During the few weeks immediately after rediagnosis I felt like I had finally lost! That was not a feeling I had experienced before. I have always found the positive in every stage of my illness but the thought that I may have moved into a different phase of the disease was a difficult one for me to adjust to.

I had the fluid drained to help with the discomfort and a blood transfusion to give my Haemoglobin a boost. All this has meant far more time spent at the hospital and in being there and talking to the nurses I have regained my positivity and strength of character. I am no fool and I know that the next course of chemo is going to be tricky, especially in terms of maintaining my blood levels. Your body needs a break and time to recover after chemotherapy and with the amount of treatment I have had, that becomes a challenge.

After a consultation at a top cancer hospital I have started on a weekly course of Taxol. If it works it will be 6 cycles of 3 weeks on and one week off. Not what I wanted, because it’s quite life limiting in terms of having to be tied to treatment every week. However I can look at the negatives or I can look at the positive which is that there is treatment and I still have options! It’s important to hold on to that because it gives hope and focus for the weeks ahead. Maybe in the future there will be a clinical trial available but that’s the future and it’s important to keep living and focusing on the present.

Thank you to my friends at Spire for it is your constant support that keeps me smiling. To my husband and boys, I know it’s hard but it is worth it, for every day spent with you guys is so special and full of love 💕

[tjsweetcheeks]

New Year 2018

After a difficult six months I finally finished treatment. The last couple of months have made me look at my life and realise that however tough my path may be there are always others in worse position and that I should count my blessings and celebrate the fact that every day that I wake up and go about my day however difficult that day may be, I am actually so very lucky to be alive.

December 2017 was possibly one of the saddest and heartbreaking times of my life. Just prior to Christmas I lost a good friend whose life had also been devastated by Ovarian cancer. She died, aged 50, leaving behind her husband and two children, not to mention her wider family and huge group of friends. I had known her for many years but since her diagnosis we had become close and she and I gave each other the kind of support that you only get from someone that has shared your experiences. I am going to miss her smile and her positivity so much and as I continue with my life, I know my journey will be just that little harder without her.

If Losing a friend is not hard enough, on 27th December my brother in law also lost his battle with Stomach Cancer. Compared with my 20 year journey, his fight was relatively short and time was not his friend. He was diagnosed in March 2017 and after a course of chemotherapy failed to keep the disease at bay he was told at the end of November by his consultant that nothing more could be done to help him. He chose to pass away at home and was surrounded by love from his family. It was one of the most devastating experiences I have ever had and I felt as though my own heart was breaking on a daily basis as I watched my sisters entire family go through the worst month of their lives. Almost two months on and I still think of him on a daily basis. I think about the many conversations we had and knowing how frightened he was I wonder if I managed to make a difference in some small way. Its important to me to think that I at least tried to make a difference.

January was as tough as I thought it would be. After everything that happened I knew that I wouldn't bounce back very quickly. I didn't really want to leave the house or socialise. Looking round at other people with their smiles and plans was not something I was up to dealing with. Instead I gave myself time to grieve and time to recover and in doing so February, despite the cold, gray days started to look brighter.

I started on a new targeted therapy for those of us with the BRCA1 gene. I have no real side effects which is great but It's playing havoc with my social life. Tablets have to be taken twice a day, 12 hours apart. No food or drink, other than water for at least one hour before the tablets and for two hours after. It works ok on a general Monday-Friday but it does interfere when you want a night out as I have opted to take them at 10pm so after 9pm I am on water! The mornings are not so bad taking them at 10am as it just means no coffee and biscuits as a mid morning snack. Good for the diet and skinny jeans 😉.

[tjsweetcheeks]

Change…. September 2017 part 2

Sitting with a Consultant Oncologist in his office having to receive bad news and listen to the treatment plan is probably one of a few really stressful meetings most people will ever have. It was certainly that way for me 20 years ago. It was hard to take in and process the information. You never ask all the right questions and often come out with needing to ask all the questions that you have forgotten. I have learnt over the years that a good consultant will be clear and concise with the information you need and that it is possible to leave the meeting with all the knowledge you need to start the treatment cycle. For me, 20 years on and after 4 other cycles of chemotherapy for both Breast and Ovarian cancer, not to mention surgeries and radiotherapy, I am able to remain calm, ask all the questions I need to know and feel like I have control and a certain amount of opinion on what the next step should be.

So, back to my meeting and this is pretty much the way it went; All emotions were left at home that morning because they served me no benefit in working through the diagnosis and treatment plan. I listened the the disgnosis in a very prepared and controlled way. The consultant told me that I possible had over 2 litres of fluid in my abdomen and this was the main cause of my symptoms, so the first thing to do was to have that drained within a few days. Secondly the chemotherapy that he was proposing consisted of two drugs, Carboplatin and Caelyx. They would be given every 4 weeks for 6 cycles and he was optimistic for a good outcome. He knows me pretty well and also knows that I had a wedding coming up. So I let him know that I needed him to plan the treatment around the wedding which at that point was in 4 weeks and I had two points that I needed or wanted him to work around. Firstly I wanted to be at the wedding looking and feeling as well as I possibly could so that I could enjoy the day and socialise with everybody and not look like the sick lady in the corner! I wanted the big day to be all about the bride and groom and in no way did I want to have any attention on my health. My second request was that I wanted to be at the wedding with my own hair! I hadn't got to within 4 weeks of the day to lose it now. Vain or what 😂. I was pretty confident that he would try his best to plan around my requirements as people's day to day lives are just as important to the medical staff as the treatment they have to go through. Back to the plan; the fluid was being drained a couple of days following this meeting and then I would begin chemotherapy the following week. To start, I would just have the Carboplatin and then the week following the wedding they would introduce the Caelyx and I would have both together. The Caelyx potentially has some slightly more interesting side effects. The only worry was hoping that the fluid stayed away until after the wedding as it is quite likely to build back up until the chemotherapy can start to do its job. Once the consultation was over I left feeling happy and confident with the plan and also feeling that I could contribute and have some control over my path.

Over the next 4 weeks the medical team and everyone I came into contact with went above and beyond to help me achieve my goal. 4 litres of fluid was drained from my abdomen during an overnight stay in hospital. Not the most pleasant of experiences as it makes you feel quite strange. But it was worth it as prior to it being drained I was only eating half a banana a day, Any more, and I felt terrible. Over night I lost about 7 kilos (about 14 lbs). Not a diet I would recommend but I have to say I liked the new slimmer look and the smaller sized jeans 😜

The chemotherapy began and having had Carboplatin before I thought it would be a walk in the park as it was just the one drug. How wrong was I! It took me the best part of a week to recover. Unfortunately the following week which was now a week before the big day, I realised that the fluid had started to build back up and following an ultrasound another 2.5litres of fluid was drained just 4 days before the day. Another 6lbs in weight lost. It was a good job that I had bought another outfit to wear for the wedding 😊

The wedding day was stunning, from beginning to end. The bride and groom looked amazing and it was impossible for anyone to not feel the amount of love that is between them. The weather was gorgeous, the venue and food was incredible and the speeches and after dinner Mr & Mrs games were brilliant. It was a day full of emotion and tears but it was also full of so much laughter that my sides hurt. My thanks go to everyone that helped get me there feeling and looking great.

5 days later I was back in the hospital for the second round of chemo, consisting of both drugs. It turned out to be the worst week or two that I have ever had on chemotherapy due to the side effect. I felt nauseas, I couldn't eat because everything I tried to eat tasted revolting. I would put something in my mouth and within two chews I knew I wouldn't be able to swallow it. My husband must have made so much food which went straight in the bin plus some days he made at least two visits to the supermarket in search of something healthy that I might be able to eat. By day 8 after treatment I felt really weak and had lost another 4kilos (8lbs). My head felt really fuzzy from the effects of the steroids to the point that concentrating was difficult. They also affected my sleep and I was awake by 1am every night for a week. I spent most of the week on the sofa or in bed because I felt so lousy. It was day 9 after treatment before I could say that I even started to feel a little better and then another 5 days to get my appetite back and gain a bit of strength.

So the best thing to do after a really bad week is have a holiday 😊. We had a week already booked to go to the beautiful island of Majorca which one of my Facebook friends had aptly called 'sparkle'. The sun made everything it shone on sparkle and look even more beautiful. We went with my sister, her husband and 13 year old son who have also been going through a similar battle which has been extremely stressful for all of their family and ours. It was a lovely week and allowed me to get in my 'cancer free bubble' and forget the realities of my life for just a short time. I like to think we all benefitted from the break. We did nothing apart from relax, eat and drink. I can safely say that plenty of Sangria was consumed by both sister and I and thank goodness for my 13 year old nephew who designated himself our responsible adult and made sure we returned to our rooms at the end of the evening 🤣🤣🤣

I just wanted to say to any friends or family that may read this blog that I am sorry that I have kept most of you in the dark for such a long time, despite your questions and concern. I have become a master of smoke and mirrors and I have let you think that everything has been fine. This was done so that I could keep my life as normal as possible for as long as possible. Once the secret is out the reality sets in and I didn't feel that there was anything to tell until I began this treatment. It is now that I need support. It is not as easy as I make out and at times it is a very lonely journey.

I will keep you posted on my new slimmer look and the new jeans that already need a belt. There is always a silver lining to any situation if you look hard enough 😜

[tjsweetcheeks]

Change.... September 2017 part 1

As I sit looking from my window I can't help but notice how early the season has changed. It's quite autumnal now and the leaves are about ready to fall. I think back to the last breaths of Summer when I watched my son get married to the girl of his dreams. It was such a beautiful day and one that I am eternally grateful that I was able to be a part of. I wish them and my other two sons a lifetime of happiness and good health.

When I say that I was eternally grateful to be a part of their day It is something I mean and I didn't take a single moment for granted. Just 4 weeks earlier I had to deal with my own changes when I received the news that my Cancer had returned once more. I have to say that it wasn't a shock and had been expected, however the most upsetting part for me was that I didn't achieve my goal of being cancer free for the wedding. It just couldn't wait another 6 weeks or so. I had known that things weren't going in the right direction for most of the year as my CA125 blood test had been very slowly rising but my scans remained clear for quite some time and I had no symptoms. The one thing I have learned over the last few years with my new consultant oncologist is that there is no point in worrying about what might be or will be. He has taught me to be relaxed, not to worry about blood test results or scan results until we need to and to keep living life as normally as possible until we have symptoms and have to start treatment. I love the laid back way about him because it has made me relax but I also know that he doesn't miss a trick and is totally on the ball. My symptoms which began in June was severe bloating in my abdomen which progressively got worse and was caused by a build up of ascites or fluid. This is caused by the cancer causing friction on the lining of the peritoneum and that in turn causes a build up of fluid. As I have said in previous entries, surgery is not an option so the course of treatment was to firstly to drain the fluid by inserting an abdominal drain followed by yet another course of Chemotherapy! Oh joy, 😕

[tjsweetcheeks]

[tjsweetcheeks]

July 2017

Time flies when your having fun. It's mostly been a good year so far. I have felt healthy and my energy levels have been so much better which has allowed me to get back to normal. We have managed a long weekend in Spain and s fabulous holiday to Connecticut in the U.S. In order to see our son. We then travelled on to Mexico for a very luxurious few days soaking up the sun. I celebrated my 50th Birthday in June. What a fantastic night we had. There was about 50 guests who all came and helped me have the best night ever. My son sung for us which gave the evening a lovely atmosphere and everyone loved it. I even managed to give s speech which was very emotional but I managed to say a few things that I felt I needed to say about my 20 year journey with this disease and how incredibly thankful I was to have reached such an amazing age. I think there were a few tears and lumps in throats as I spoke to all of my friends and family. Most people only see the side of me that is brave and stoic so for them to listen to me talk with such emotion was the cause of a few tears. Currently we are in the midst of Wedding Fever as our eldest son gets married in just a few weeks time. I think our whole family are looking forward to the day and for me I can confidently say that I have achieved another goal in my life which makes me feel so incredibly blessed. As a Mum, my boys are the most treasured and special people in my life and I know that the young lady that will become his wife will look after him and support him through the years to come. As always in my family's life there always appears to be difficulties. That became apparent when my brother in law was diagnosed with stomach cancer in March this year. It was one of those awful times when it seemed as though one day you are well and life is looking great and the very next day that life and all of your plans have been destroyed. He struggled with his diagnosis and with such intensive treatment he struggles everyday to keep his head above water. I am so proud of him and of his family for fighting to get through what has definitely been the most difficult time of their lives. I hope I have been the best support to them. I try and always live my life by treating others as I would want to be treated myself and I know that my experience of living a life alongside Cancer for 20 years can give so much hope and support.

[tjsweetcheeks]

If you have every had Cancer you will completely understand this. Recovery is a very long road ....

[tjsweetcheeks]

January 2017

2016 turned out to be a very long year, full of great highs and extreme lows. Initially, finishing Chemo was a huge relief and I thought that by the end of June that I would be feeling much better and I would be back to running around and enjoying life. Well needless to say, that expectation was way too high. I suffered with infection after infection and must have had at least 6 courses of antibiotics, I had phlebitis in my legs which caused them to swell and be incredibly painful, my energy levels were at an all time low along with my mood. In May my son came home from uni after achieving a BA honours degree, what an incredibly proud moment that was as I watched him graduate. Then in June my eldest son moved back home in order to save money towards his wedding and by July we had a full house when the boys girlfriends arrived, with 7 of us here at times. I honestly thought I was going to have a nervous break down! I don't think I realised how much I had got used to having a quiet house and now it was bedlam! It was September before things started to quieten down and they all started to move on with their own lives and adventures. That coincided with a much needed holiday to Crete in a beautiful hotel during which time I was able to relax properly and take some time for myself and I came home feeling so much better. One of the biggest lows for me last year was the death of a friend in early December. I had met her a year or so before at the hospital. She too had been fighting for 5 years with Ovarian Cancer and by all accounts she fought with so much determination right up until the end. I may not have known her very long but it is heartwarming to find such respect and friendship with both her and her husband during some of the most difficult times of our lives. My thoughts have been with him a great deal this Christmas knowing that he now has even more difficult times ahead of him as he tries to adjust to life without her. So here we are in January 2017 and I have lots to look forward to in the year ahead. The main thing is my Son's wedding to his lovely fiancé in August. I have a holiday to Greenwich Connecticut to see my youngest son who is lucky enough to be working at a golf and country club for 12 months. We will then travel to Mexico for a relaxing 10 days at a beautiful hotel resort. My Dad is off to Spain for a few months and hopefully I will be able to fly down and spend a few days in the Spanish sun in order to escape the cold British weather. So not a bad way to start the New Year.

[tjsweetcheeks]

April 13th 2016 marks the end of chemo..

Having endured 9 cycles of chemotherapy I would have liked to have completed the 10th and last treatment. However due to my bloods all being so low It was advised by my consultant that perhaps we should call it a day and just continue with Avastin every 3 weeks. You would have thought I would have been over the moon at the thought of not having to have any more treatment as the last 7 months have been at times really difficult. Initially I felt relief but the following morning I found myself feeling emotional. I couldn't fully explain why but I guess I have been so focused on the need to be strong that now the rush of emotion has been somewhat overwhelming. My sister came that day armed with beautiful flowers, I think she thought I would be met with a smiling face but instead she had to deal with a tearful mess. I was glad she came that day as it was so nice not to have to spend the day alone and wallowing in self pity and after a girly heart to heart we ended up having a lovely day together. The whole week has had its ups and downs and to try and put a stop to the 'downs' I have set myself targets for every day to try and get a routine going and to build up some basic fitness. They are only small things like walking the dogs 2 days a week and spending an hour in the garden during the afternoons, doing the housework. I hope that within 2/3 months I will be feeling more like my old self. I have spoken to quite a few people this week and it's laughable to think how many of them think that after just one week that I must be feeling much better. It just goes to show that when your hair looks ok and your makeup is on you can hide the real story and they really have no idea how much chemotherapy takes out of you both physically and emotionally. Over the last 18 months I have tried to surround myself with people that really care about me and that circle has become smaller and smaller but to those people that have been there and helped keep me smiling, thank you, they will never truly understand how much it has meant to me. My boys, have taken my breath away with their courage over the years and their never ending love. I am so proud of them all. My husband & best friend, we have had to deal with the ups and downs of this disease for 19 years, he has always been there for me by my side, supporting and helping me every step of the way. I have mentioned my friends and family but the other group of people who have given me constant support and care are my consultant and nursing staff at the Spire Leicester Hospital. The girls that work on the Chemo unit work so hard and yet manage to brighten the day and give amazing individual care to of all of their patients. Thank you ladies! So now I have to continue indefinitely on Avastin every 3 weeks and focus on the future. I have holidays booked, a wedding to look forward to and a life to live ! I intend to be busy so it may be a while before I write and update. Have a good summer everyone ☀️

[tjsweetcheeks]

Easter 2016

It's been a quiet Easter weekend. 9 treatments done! I wasn't sure if I would get this treatment due to the fact my blood is at Rock bottom but with the agreement of my consultant, he lowered the dose slightly and we went ahead. Feeling a bit ropey and generally getting worse as the days have gone on but I am managing. I had some good scan results which I feel like I should be more excited about but I have no feelings one way or another! I am obviously pleased but I think I just see the results as another milestone reached in this never ending journey. There will be no celebrations in this family as we all know that it's not a case of reaching the end but crossing another hurdle. I have to complete treatment 9 and we will see if I am well enough to endure the final treatment and then following that I will continue indefinitely on a three weekly cycle of Avastin, which is a maintenance drug which hopefully will keep this dreadful disease at bay. What I am looking forward to is feeling better and being able to do 'normal' things that most people just take for granted. I want to be able to walk my dogs and get outside in the garden. We have a family holiday planned in a couple of months time which we are all really looking forward to. At least now I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. bring on some sunshine.

[tjsweetcheeks]

Rough day!

So things are getting pretty tough in my life right now. I am still keeping the smile going but in all honesty it is really difficult. My blood results are all really low and I think from now on its going to be a case of wait and see as to whether my exhausted body can safely have any more treatment. I go back in for the second part of treatment 8 tomorrow and today I have had a nose bleed, been retching over the toilet, I am bloated because I am constipated, I have pains in my back, legs and hips from the injections that are supposed to boost my white blood cells. Oh and I have a urinary infection and feel like I am peeing razor blades so am on antibiotics. It took me until lunchtime to get dressed today because I feel so tired and I really wanted to do some housework before I go back to the hospital tomorrow. For once I may have to give in and rest! Its hard not having the family support that many of my friends take for granted. My husband and boys are all out at work all day so there are lots of days just lately that I spend on my own. I wish so much that I still had my Mum here for some 'Mum and Daughter' time. Jobs like the weekly shop and changing the beds or cleaning the house are becoming more of an effort and as I see the garden springing into life I am wondering how I am going to keep on top of it all. I guess the treatment is coming to an end but I suspect the effects of almost 7 months of chemotherapy will last a little longer.

[tjsweetcheeks]

Fed up...

It's been another few weeks of feeling poorly and tired. I tried my best to spend some money at the shops the other day but I could only manage 1 shop! Good for the bank account but bad for my retail therapy. I have been feeling quite low and very lonely. I had a massive meltdown one afternoon which I know is allowed in the circumstances but not in the middle of Tesco! I felt so embarrassed and such a fool. It's times like this when you really need your friends and family. As always it's the same people that have been here for me over the last year and I really don't know what I would do without them and will never be able to thank them enough for their love and support. I have been saddened by the indifference and lack of care of some people and the realisation that I am not as important to some people as I thought I was, but the hurt is less these days. Maybe I am finally coming to accept that not everyone that says they care and wants to help, actually does. I don't feel like I want to go out much anymore. In fact the only places I go are to The hospital, tesco and to one or two friends. I did However manage to walk the dogs today. I was exhausted after but the dogs appreciated my effort. It was nice though to get some fresh air and to chat to my friend as we walked through the woods. I hope I will start to feel brighter once this damn treatment has finished. Two months to go...

[tjsweetcheeks]

When the going gets tough....

Finally, after 7 weeks of feeling like crap I am feeling just a little better. After tomorrow's treatment I only have 3 more cycles left, that's 9 weeks until the very last treatment plus a couple of extra weeks to get over it. To say that life is a slog is an understatement. I am exhausted most of the time and come the evening my bed is the best place in the world to be. I haven't walked the dogs since before Christmas because I just don't have the energy or if I do, then I have no energy for anything else all day. I have booked a well deserved holiday for September and I intend to book another today for me and my family for a few weeks after my treatment ends. I think we all need some family time together in the sun with a few glasses of Sangria. This thought is going to be the focus to keep me going for the next couple of months which no doubt will be the hardest. So my thought for today is that when the going gets tough, keep smiling and book that holiday ☀️

[tjsweetcheeks]

January Blues...

Christmas was everything I wanted it to be. It was spent with family and was a few days of so much fun and laughter. I hope that everyone enjoyed the time together and that in the future they will see how lucky we are as a family. I started Christmas by feeling really well but unfortunately due to other people's thoughtlessness as they came round to celebrate with us having all got coughs and colds i ended up with a rotten cough which is still lingering and it is now almost the end of January. I shouldn't moan but do people really not realise how compromised your immune system becomes during Chemotherapy. It may only be a cough but combined with chemo it meant that I ended up on antibiotics and didn't really leave the house until mid January as I felt so rough. I managed to make my son's engagement party which I was so thankful for and felt like I was starting to turn the corner but after the next dose of chemo I am coughing again! It feels like the treatments are coming so close together that I am not really getting time to get my strength back. I could really do with a break from treatment right now. I was considering having a few days in Spain at the end of Feb but on days like this I wonder as to whether that is a wise thing to do. The sun and the warmth would be lovely and I am sure it would do me good but the actual travelling there with all the germs that can be picked up on a plane worries me a lot. My husband has been poorly too this week which had made life even more difficult. He gets up and walks our two dogs in the dark before he goes to work so that I don't have to do it. I know that he has been struggling and I wish I could help more. Life is just so hard! This week has not been the best and I have needed help with lifts to and from the hospital which is 30 minutes away. I don't like to ask our friends but sometimes you just have no choice and need help. I had two visits to the hospital, one for chemo and the other was a quick visit into theatre to get my portacath checked. The nurses at the hospital were concerned that the line might have a kink in it but as it turns out it has a small clot at the end of the line. At this point I am not sure that they can do very much about it. Drugs are going in ok but the line won't bleed which makes getting blood a bit of a pain and the veins in my arms are not the best. Moaning aside, we have had some good news this month as my latest scan showed some encouraging results that the Cancer has shown regression in all areas. I am obviously very pleased by this as it shows that my drug regime is having a positive effect and is working well, however, celebration is not something that I indulge in as this is just a small victory in a bigger battle but it has given me the boost I need, to know that having a positive attitude and to keep fighting no matter how rubbish you feel is always the way forward. So all in all January has been a month of ups and downs and I still have 4 more cycles to go and I am envious of those that are feeling well or are going on holiday to escape the cold winter days. They have no idea how lucky they are ...