tippingovertheedge

[tippingovertheedge]

real wackadoo of a day. a week? where to start? i guess with the food since this is my disordered eating habits blog. ok so wednesday i went off my diet, and then on thursday and today again. wednesday’s episode felt hormones related and on thursday i just thought eh why not one day won’t hurt. also thursday was a public holiday so i just wanted to take it easy in every sense of the word. and this morning i woke up and also thought ehhhh. i decided i would reset on sunday - morning run then eat properly the rest of the day.

i haven’t run all week either even though i could from tuesday. i think it rained on tuesday so i ended up doing three hiit workouts in a row which was kinda rad because how i started on my health / weight loss journey was doing those hiits and i could only do one! that my endurance has improved so much i can do three and it’s nicely challenging but still very doable is very nice. then on wednesday i didn’t run because i couldn’t wake up in the morning! god. then on thursday i just couldn’t bring myself to leave the house again taking it easy. and then again could not wake up this morning to run.

there’s a connection between these things i feel - when i don’t/can’t exercise intensely, i can feel less motivated to diet. it’s like letting one go makes me want to give up on it all - a kind of all or nothing mentality. man did i eat a ton these last few days. wednesday i had something nuts like FOUR meals, thursday i had fast food twice and today i had shake shack lmao fuck me. again i was going to reset on sunday, but that’s when the wackadoo day started!

there was a little work thing this afternoon where we had to turn on our webcams and TWO!!! people told me i had lost weight! just by looking at my face! sometimes i just want to be recognised... and after that i was like alright that’s motivation shake shack last meal it is we reset on SATURDAY now and i made a nice little schedule for myself where the holy trifecta comes together - eating healthy/less, time for hobbies (sports lol), time to be productive at work, exercising. ok when i started the list it was going to be three things in the list but i added the hobbies thing so made a quadrifecta ANYWAY

also i have to sleep soon if i’m gonna wake up tomorrow to run i mean it this time i’m motivated!

alright but number 2 wackadoo thing that happened today - someone told me they think they saw the last person i loved and that this person has gained a significant amount of weight since we last saw them. it might not have been them i’ll clarify lol it’s likely we’ve mistaken their identity. but still right how odd and it got me into a weird place that here i am on the journey i am on and this person who has made up so much of how i’ve conceived myself and thought about myself is on some kind of opposite path. god it’s too much to get into now but i think for a long time i’ve always felt too fat for love and that was a thought only confirmed when that person turned me down. i think i’ve always wanted to be good enough. and here i am. and there they are.

anyway. odd odd odd day. there’s some degree of mania in my chest and i had to word vomit it all out. ok bed time now i will probably read this entry tomorrow and be like ???? alright goodnight

[tippingovertheedge]

sigh ok after a week where i fell off the wagon three out of seven days, i took a long hard look at myself in the mirror (metaphorically) and told myself to be realistic and get a grip. my birthday is inching closer and closer and my goal isn’t looking possible. i mean in theory i could starve myself  for these fifty days and theoretically lose all that weight but i know me by now and i know that trying to do that is likely going to result in lots of slipping off the wagon and the self-berating and self-hatred that follows then. and all that will happen and i still won’t reach my goal. and i really don’t want that for myself! i’m an adult! i should act like it!

i think what’s triggered these unhealthy patterns over the last month (and it really was the last month - october was absolutely just Diet Month) was the pressure of trying to reach my gw by the week before my birthday all so i could do that little triumphant instagram post about losing all this weight and choosing health for myself as a birthday gift. 

but it’s ok that i can’t. growing up and maturing is realising things don’t work out the way you planned. it doesn’t mean you can’t decide things - you can! and you can take steps to achieve your goals, but it also means you’re not the only decider of things in life and that’s ok. 

for now it’s my ugw i have in my sights. i want to hit that by march, which is when i might be heading on my first vacation since panini times. i know i know. it’s just another goal weight and another goal date and who’s to say the same won’t happen? i can’t say. but to reach that goal in four months allows me to leave a fairly generous/doable deficit. so here’s the plan:

current weight: 62.3kg, though i had mcdonald’s late last night. these days i weigh in more at a ~60kg

goal weight: 45kg

15kg to lose over 4 months -> 3.75kg a month

goal weight loss rate: 4.5kg a month, which is a daily 1100 calorie deficit

here i’m thinking ‘aim high’. even if i fall short (and i likely will! once more i’ve been doing this for a year and i know myself by now) it should still put me close to 3.75kg/month and i'll still be at 45 in march

and here’s what i’m going to remind myself so i can be kinder to myself:

bad days will happen

period cravings and work stress will lead to days where you just want to eat a lot of oily food. there’s always a next day and we try again then!

it’s fine to let go a little bit on special occasions

i’m still going to do the big birthday feast i planned of cake and blonde biscuits and a stuffed crust pizza because all things considered i HAVE worked really hard to get where i am! and u only turn 28 once :)

more importantly i’m booking myself a full body check-up in december and i hope the doctor gives me a clean bill of health

you didn’t lose all this weight in a day. you’re not going to gain it all back in a day

all in all i think i’m in a good place to keep this up for the rest of my life. my weight loss has been gradual - 20kg in a year - and in the process my lifestyle has changed. yeah i still really enjoy fast food but i can cook for myself using whole ingredients! i genuinely really like cauliflower rice and salads and i love love love running as far as my little legs will take me. 

running has been so important for me in staying mentally healthy too (specifically not veering too far into ed territory i THINK lol). i think part of why thinspo images don’t really work on me is that i don’t especially want to look super thin. i love running so when i look at my legs and they’re thick i know that’s the muscle i’ve built up from training and big legs are strong legs and they’re gonna keep me running. 

truly it’s just my flabby arms i HATE and my desire to be underweight is because i’m absolutely certain my arms are my last fat defences. my fat is distributed such that when i lose weight, the arm fat will be the last to go. so i have to lose ALL of it before my arms look thin. 

ok ok. i have a day to get to. today will be a good day! i’m going to prep my salad ingredients for the week, do a bit of work, and if the weather holds up, i’ll go to a cafe for a cupcake and a coffee and then take a long walk home. life’s good i’m good lots to live for ❤️

[tippingovertheedge]

yesterday’s calorie output: 2394 today’s calorie limit: 894

breakfast crispy m&m’s (146) total: 146

lunch milky top freddo (64) black coffee (5) total: 69

dinner meatball sub on multigrain (473) total: 473

snacks chicken nuggets (200) total: 200

daily total: 888

delayed food log for sat, 30 oct because i really couldn’t be bothered last night.

came in just under but in reality it was over. there was a bowl of halloween candy at work and i kept popping in and out of it all day - probably had like two or three pieces. then i had some pieces of crackers i didn’t count. 

my stomach grumbled loudly in the middle of work and i might have freaked out a bunch of 11 year-olds telling them i once went two days without eating.

staying up late is soooo bad for me i get so hungry, hence the nuggets at night. without them maybe i could have come in 200 cals under but i decided to take advantage of the remaining calories i had. but i don’t know. i’ve been thinking it’s best to hit the 1500 deficit each day and avoid coming in too far under because if i have an ‘allowance’ of calories it might prompt me to eat more on another day which leads to binging. 

after work i had dinner on a random park bench then went for a two-hour walk after that! gonna walk again on sunday and thinking of cutting my rest time to three days and running on tuesday because my foot feels alright. november is tomorrow! 30 more days!

[tippingovertheedge]

weighed myself this morning and i’ve gained something like 2kg. it doesn’t seem likely that i’ll be making that 59kg goal come monday. that’s what i get for all those giant cookies i ate this week (though they were so goddamn delicious). it’s really hard to remind myself to stay the course because my brain knows that if i keep with the deficits i will see the weight loss AND my period’s coming so i know i tend to hold on to weight a little bit more when that happens. HOWEVER my heart sees the number on the scale and feels crushed and angry and she wants to give up. 

like i said - 30 days in november. a daily 1500-calorie deficit will add up and the weight will fall off it will it has to it’s physics it’s thermodynamics it has to come off. 

i’m gonna go on a long long walk today after work as exercise. i can afford a bit more food today because i ran yesterday - today’s calorie limit is 894, which gives me room for a substantial-ish meal and even a snack! or if i’m feeling especially blah maybe i’ll use all those calories on a whole bag of a snack. 

then tonight i’ll prep salad ingredients so that will make it easier to stick to my deficits in the coming days. if i have food prepped i’m much less likely to get fast food delivered to me. 

[tippingovertheedge]

yesterday’s calorie output: 2025  today’s calorie limit: 525

breakfast black coffee (5) coconut candy (25) total: 30

lunch black coffee (5) spicy chicken pasta (490) total: 495

daily total: 525

exactly on the limit. feeling a bit sleepy / light-headed. the audacity of my body when i gave it SO much yesterday! i’ll take a nap before work.

november’s not here yet but we’re running up to it in three days. these three days’ restriction will hopefully make up for the binging over the week. hopefully i log a minimum of like 59kg on monday. it’s the most i can ask for after wasting this week.

[tippingovertheedge]

finally made an ed blog because ??? i don’t know i guess as these feelings are intensifying i need an outlet for it. not sure whether to make it public because i’m a compulsive cataloguer and it’d wreck me if my blog got reported and purged.

anyway.

heading into what i hope is the last month and a half until i hit my goal weight. got to take it super seriously so i hit my goal by my birthday (a week before my birthday). yet i spent three out of the last seven days binging. brilliant.

all the same, november starts on a monday. it feels like the perfect way to go into this crunch period.

it feels like i’ve tried so many things over the last week. fasted for 48 hours but binged after. attempted to alternate between fasting and eating days but ended up eating on a fasting day and then gave up entirely.

now the new thing is basing today’s calorie intake not on today’s calorie output but on yesterday’s. that way i don’t tell myself lies like i’ll eat now and then work it off later and feel miserable as i walk for hours and hours to burn calories. yesterday’s calorie output is fixed, non-negotiable. and then from yesterday’s calorie output i aim for a 1500 calorie deficit.

there’s hopefully the added bonus of not eating on a workout day - i could be hungrier post-workout or feel like i’ve ‘earned’ more food. hopefully the night’s sleep would ease some of the immediate hunger pangs.

gotta love this broken brain.

i’ll be normal once i hit my goal weight and other lies i tell myself.