tinybubblesloudthoughts

[tinybubblesloudthoughts]

You are yours

The world is made up of all sorts of people, and within each person there lies different versions of themselves. Let’s talk about the version in love. Some people like to guard themselves, play it safe because they’re scared to get hurt or because experience has taught them that vulnerability will only lead to heartache. But today I wanna talk about the other kind of people; the ones who dive in head fast over and over again to the point where they're stuck loving getting hurt. The one’s who aren’t even doing it anymore to be open to possibility; they're just doing it because they’ve forgotten how to care about themselves. The ones who observe their behavior and realize its madness and chaos and desperation all tied up in a bundle of tears and repeated stupidity. The ones who feel like its out of their control to come out of this cycle of insanity. The ones who’ve exhausted their friends and family because they’ll never listen to their words of advice. The ones who’ve been keeping bits and pieces of each story just to themselves because they know that they’ll end up defending something that’s emptying them out. The ones who only listen to their heart knowing full well that their heart has no love for them. 

I promise you that the best thing you can do is to choose yourself. Not necessarily because that ‘someone’ is bad but because if you’re here then clearly they’re bad for you. A cycle that can’t be broken, huh? But the madness and chaos; its all inside your head and so is this. You are the ruler of you, no matter how much you feel like someone else has power over you. You are yours before you are anyone else’s. So choose you.

[tinybubblesloudthoughts]

Don’t wait around for tomorrow

When was the last time you woke up pumped with excitement to start the day? If you can easily recall such a time from the near past then bless your soul-I have a hunch that that’s a pretty rare thing at this time and day. 

In 2016 I’ve lost at least 5 relatives, others were injured in car accidents or kidnapped and beaten up and my mom was diagnosed with stage 3/4 cancer. Kind of scary but according to Facebook memes it seemed like the entire world was collectively having a shitty 2016. So me being the superstitious person I am; decided that it was just a one-year thing. 2017 rolled around and I was ready for a new year where everything was supposed to go great. Week 2 of 2017: I come home from a day and a half of traveling across continents and the first thing I hear is that another one of my relatives passed away. And I’m superstiious but I’m not naive (or insane) enough to believe that it was just going to be a ‘two-year’ thing. No, that’s not how it works. People are born and then one day they die. ‘Death’, ‘An embarkment on to the after/next life’, ‘The time to be reincarnated’- honestly it doesn't matter what you believe in, the fact is that it’s an end to one’s present life and there’s no going back. All of us know this yet how many of us can truly say that we’re living everyday as if it was our last day? 

I’m not okay with the idea of waking up and wanting to go back to sleep cause it’s not like there’s a whole lot for me to do while being up, and then just dying that day. Like, what? No. That’s not what I want my last day to be like and yet the way I’m living and how easy it is for one to just die; this is 100% possible. Why is it that I choose to waste my time watching reality T.V while I could be out there learning something new, getting a job and being charitable thus helping someone want to live their life, being the best version of myself, fully utilizing my time or so much more? You know those people-the ones who organize fund raisers and direct plays and make people laugh by making prank videos on youtube or go on the radio and sing cause they’re so damn talented and are actually putting their talents to use? How do they do it? How do you live life to the fullest?  

I don’t have the exact answers but i do have a few questions that we should be asking ourselves. What could we be doing today to make it a day where it would be okay to die? What could we be doing today to give back to the world for getting the chance to live in it? What would we do if this was the last day of our lives? 

I think it’s important to not fear death but rather to use it as a form of motivation. And alright realistically speaking all of us have some lazy days and some days where the world just seems to be against us and it is absolutely alright to be down on those days. However you feel is completely valid and I’m no one to be telling you that you should be out having fun while your life is falling apart. But I will say that if it’s a long term issue then you gotta make the most of what you have. You don’t have to go big everyday, some days just getting out of bed is a victory and that’s great too. 

What I’m trying to say-clearly in a not so put together manner-is that you gotta try on a regular basis, have worthy intentions and just start living in the moment.

[tinybubblesloudthoughts]

Going into your 20′s

“Are you an adult or are you a teenager?”

Apparently I’m something called a young adult. It’s when you want to be selfish and whiney and do what you want but you can’t because you’re now a ‘reasonable’ member of society. It’s when suddenly the aunties come at you saying that they have to start looking for a nice guy for you to marry. It’s when some of your friends are in high school while some of them are in their second semester of Uni, and others have jobs. 

It’s really hard to compare your progress with others cause for the first time in 16/17 years, everyone you grew up with isn’t sitting for the same test. Heck, most people probably aren’t even in the same country. Which means you’re either stranded in a sea of strangers and unfamiliar cultural norms or you’re at home feeling stuck and blue seeing your friends move on. It’s not absolutely terrible but I don’t believe most people would call it perfect. 

Oh and just because you can’t compare, doesn’t mean the aunties and uncles won’t. All eyes are on you and the pressure is on. In a sense it’s like this: your childhood is you being a caterpillar, when you’re a teenager you’re undergoing metamorphosis-what with all the mini phases, rebellious periods and hormonal changes, and now’s the time for you to come out of your little cocoon. And everyone’s interested in whether you’re a butterfly or a moth. ���Did you get into college yet?”  “Are you not wasting away your life by taking a year gap?” “You don’t call home enough, are you even studying over there?” “Why aren’t you aiming for a scholarship?” “You’re not a kid anymore, you need to be more responsible.”

The scariest part is that this is actually happening and it’s going to keep getting harder. As if the stress of student loans and commuting expenses isn’t enough, once you actually manage to finish college you’re going to have to get an actual job and pay for everything on your own. So basically this is the last bit of your life where you’re not completely responsible for everything. High school seemed to whiz by so I’m assuming so will college.

Even if you’re not ready to take on all of this, even if you’re not ready to become one of the grown-ups; the world’s going to drill you into one. So take a moment to breathe and really appreciate everything you’ve been given (even if it’s just 90% stress). Take a moment to cherish the child within you that’s desperately trying to cling on as you take a step into the future. Be proud of yourself for the smallest achievements cause you never know how big it might really be. Even if all you’re doing is waiting to get into Uni, even if you’ve done absolutely nothing productive for the last 3 months, even if you’re repeating exams; don’t give up. You’re doing good. There’s a lot of change coming up, people are going to come and go, you might leave and the word temporary is going to be very permanent. But that’s alright. 

Embrace everything you are becoming and take it one day at a time. As you enter and get lost in the hustle bustle of a new milestone hold on to the child-you’s hands-it’s there to tell you that you’ve made it so far so you’ve definitely got this.  

[tinybubblesloudthoughts]

The works of the pink stuff

She sat in a daze as she pondered how the days went by just like that. She sat and wondered about how her memory seemed to fade so easily. She sat and thought about how after a certain age her personality seemed to have come to a stand still. She thought about happiness and about whether she was happy. About how she hadn't really felt anything real for the longest time. 

Some thing inside her was missing, something she couldn’t remember.Was it her energy? Her vibrance? Was she sad? Did she even have reason to be? It didn’t really feel like sadness but then did sadness only have to be an ache in your heart? Why is it that there is such a lack of emotions defined by the dictionary? Or was it just a lack in her vocabulary? Did she ask too many questions? Is it funny or is it absolutely normal that she wondered things in questions? 

Sometimes she’d leave a room full of people to have imaginary conversations in her head,  with the same people. After a day where she’d enjoy herself, she’d feel immensely exhausted even if all she did was lie in bed all day with her friends. She thought the idea of slicing up smooth skin was very soothing- but she was against the death penalty or hurting anyone in any form. She was sweet and childish and easily intimidated but she was full of words of wisdom all at the same time. But then it was her wisdom so maybe it would’t be too wise to listen to her. Colors and dust and feelings of home made her light up like a candle. But recently her fire wasn’t all that warm.

She lived for beginnings and was superstitious to a fault. She believed in too much and had all the hope in the world in her tiny little heart. She felt evil and twisted but also as if the world had done her an injustice. At this point she really didn’t know what she wanted. 

Completeness. Well alright, maybe she did know what she wanted. She wanted euphoria and nostalgia and excitement but peace. She wanted something so perfect that even in it’s perfectness it would still give her a thrill.

Honestly, maybe that was all a fancy way of saying she wanted love,affection and attention. But that is so stupid and ordinary of her, isn’t it? If she were to be in a movie then it wouldn’t be a romantic one, it would be everything but that. Recently she hated such sappy things and yet that’s precisely what she craved. Well, kind of. Maybe she wanted to feel some real excitement from something that wasn’t all that real. Maybe she didn’t even want love and affection, maybe all she wanted was the attention. 

She sat and wondered how maybe everyone felt just the same. She sat and thought about how her ordinary thoughts weren't worth an essay. She sat and thought about how she hated to be a silly little maiden obsessed with that which all the world is already obsessing over; love. 

[tinybubblesloudthoughts]

Hush your demon

A demon stands in front of me. ‘What is your name?’, I ask. It replies,‘I have many names. I am Jealousy, I am Envy, I am Possessiveness, I am you when you feel threatened or intimidated by someone, I am you when you feel a burning rage when someone’s name is uttered, I am you when you compare yourself to others only to put yourself down, I am you when you look at someone’s picture desperately searching for a so called flaw, I am you when you want to extinguish someone’s existence merely because they have something you wish you had, I am you when you feel that pit in your stomach as someone important to you starts to prioritize others over you and I am you every time you change or try to be better at something-not for yourself but rather to be winning a battle against someone else; a battle that only you are fighting in.’

It’s funny how there are people who make you feel so proud-as if their achievements, beauty, talents and happiness is directly linked to yours. And then there are others who make your skin crawl. Everything they do annoys you. And you’re sure that they’re twisted and have terrible intentions. They’re just down right bad people who want to take away what’s yours or they have what should be yours. But you’re not completely insane so you know that thinking this way is wrong. You give yourself pep talks, and try reasoning with yourself. It’s a constant struggle. And then one day, it turns out that you were right. That person did want to take away whatever it is that you thought was yours, and maybe even succeeded at it. And then it happens again with the next person you feel this way about. And now you are officially conditioned to feel this way. You stop reasoning with yourself and you let the anxiousness, the jealously and the insanity take over. You are hooked onto hating someone who could care less about your existence.

It’s a hard place to be and a harder place to come out of. But you have to understand that you can’t stay here. This is not where you are meant to be. You are meant for so much more than feeling beat down because someone else got that job position you wanted, that date with the girl you like, more compliments than you, your ex’s attention, that scholarship you worked hard for or whatever else it is that you feel like you have lost or are losing.

First of all you need to fully accept that you are not entitled to anyone or any circumstance. The only person who truly belongs to you, is yourself. Accepting this is much easier said than done. But this is the only way. You can’t feel like you lost something if it never belonged to you. Secondly, you should realize that because you are all yours, you have to treat yourself the best. You have to love yourself. Honestly the only way to stop comparing yourself and constantly trying to compete with someone is by you loving yourself enough to not feel the need to. And believe me there are a million reasons to love yourself, because everyone has them. You have to understand that you don’t need to put someone else down (even if it’s just in your head) to feel good about yourself. They can be amazing and they can be worth a whole lot, but that does not diminish your value in anyway. You are enough. You need to be enough for yourself.

It’s a hard place to be and a harder place to come out of. But you can come out of it.

And a last piece of advice; please know that just because the demon resides within you, it does not mean you are the demon. You are not a terrible person, you are not worthless, you are not twisted and you are not the only one with demons. Everyone has them but it’s your choice to let them take over you or to take away their voices.

[tinybubblesloudthoughts]

Be your own sunshine

It’s interesting how you can go about your day staying more or less alright, but as the darkness of the night sets in so does an intense feeling of loneliness.

It’s as if there’s a giant gaping hole in your chest that’s only visible at the absence of sunlight. And you want to do everything and anything to fill out this void so you end up doing things like opening a dating app or going on a one night stand or calling up an ex. But it’s like none of that works, and the hole remains just the way it was. You feel like the only thing that can fill it up is the presence of someone familiar, someone who’s soul has intertwined with yours,someone who feels like home. So when you go home with that stranger there is absolutely nothing familiar about him/her and when you call that ex who’s life has taken a completely separate route from yours since you two broke up- all that’s there is distance.

It’s so easy to break at a time like this, it’s so easy to fall asleep with your pillow soaked in your tears and to allow this feeling to swallow you up whole.

Breathe. This isn’t it. It won’t feel like this forever.

Well actually it will, but only if you keep telling yourself you need someone to fill up the void. Cause someday you’ll probably find that someone, and for awhile they’ll fill it all up and there won’t be an empty spot left in you. But life isn’t full of guarantees and you definitely can’t take a relationship for granted. So don’t let your fulfillment or emptiness depend on someone else. Stop with all that. Be your own sunshine.

Don’t waste a perfectly good opportunity to watch a show,meditate, try out lucid dreaming, to talk to God, to give yourself a good pep talk, to visualize what you want from yourself and from life or whatever else it is you can be doing. Stop being afraid to lie down in your bed alone. You are enough. Your company is enough. Take a moment to enjoy the peace and quiet instead of feeling like the silence represents loneliness. Being alone does not mean you need to feel lonely. Take care of yourself and start loving yourself enough to really believe that you’re enough.

Let go of your heartache and melt into a lullaby.

[tinybubblesloudthoughts]

The big why

We’ve all been there, going about our days, living a monotonous routine life, doing the things that need to be done or procrastinating till the last moment.

I’m not sure how much time I have left in this world, and I’m pretty sure most of you out there don’t know either. I don’t take life for granted per say, but my actions do indicate otherwise. No I’m not talking about unhealthy habits or practices, I’m talking about how I don’t live my days to the fullest just because I feel like I can do it over ‘tomorrow’.

What exactly does living life to the fullest mean, though? Should you quit your boring 9-5 job and leave behind all your responsibilities? Should you just stop seeing the guy your entire family knows about, because he’s just not the one? Should you quit college cause your grades are just spiraling down and you’ve decided it’s not for you-I mean the internet’s full of examples of people who made it big even though they were highschool dropouts,right? Honestly I don’t know the answer to any of that, maybe try googling it, oh and listen to your heart.

What I do know though, is that you have to ask yourself ‘why’. Why are you still doing that job? Why are you still with this person? Why are you in college or school or whatever? And no the answer shouldn’t be because of the pressure caused by society and it shouldn’t be because you’re scared to disappoint people. I want you to ask yourself why it’s important to you. Is it even important to you? Is there some kind of end goal that will help you reach your purpose? No? Then you should already know what you need to do. What if it’s a yes or you honestly just don’t know? Then you gotta know. Ask why and know why. Have a reason behind what you’re doing so that when a day comes and you feel drained you can tell yourself that it’s worth it.

You don’t need to go bunjee jumping or scuba diving (although you probably should) to have a worthy day, you can read that chapter from your text book-the one you really don’t like, treat yourself a bit and then that’s it. That should be enough to have a worthy day, as long as you can go to sleep knowing that you read that chapter because it will eventually help you get that job you really want, or help you reach your potential or whatever purpose it is that you serve in this life of yours.

So go ahead, ask your self why.