tinkerbellsblogg - Tumblr blog

[tinkerbellsblogg]

I’m so sad.

I was doing better. I was feeling better. I was looking better. I let time pass and I experienced that grief. I did my own thing proudly. I made friends. I had crushes. I had great sex. I focused on myself. I learned to smile about the things I loved again. I learned how to love being alone. I am an independent working women. & I accepted my future.

but this… what you committed to. THIS is evil. This is painful. This is spiteful. This is confusing. This is a breaking point for me.

I feel completely and utterly embarrassed and used. I feel like a joke. I feel like a waist of time. I feel worthless. I feel betrayed. I feel weak. I feel disgusted. I feel fucking pain radiating through my veins and my brain all around my memories. simultaneously i feel numb. it’s ok.

less than, three hundred and sixty five days.

goodbye.

[tinkerbellsblogg]

Crystal Crowns

My Shiny Box on Etsy

[tinkerbellsblogg]

How do you live with yourself?

[tinkerbellsblogg]

The desert and its seed - Welder Wings

[tinkerbellsblogg]

Ash was his brother. He loved him like a brother. And when shit went down…He’d go to war like a brother.

[tinkerbellsblogg]

EUPHORIA (2019— ) S02E08, All My Life, My Heart Has Yearned for a Thing I Cannot Name

[tinkerbellsblogg]

#everyone cheered

[tinkerbellsblogg]

[tinkerbellsblogg]

[tinkerbellsblogg]

“Stay away from people that make you feel like you’re hard to love.”

— Unknown

[tinkerbellsblogg]

****Trigger warning- Physical/psychological/emotional abuse****

5 years ago this following night, I found triggering information which had insufferable stuff on the phone from the guy I was with at the time. That new knowledge was too heavy for my heart & twisted up my brain. I blacked out..

Next thing I know I’m driving down the street to where I had just came from ~ a party that had died off waiting to watch the sky shine bright orange while sharing some candy ~

My friend noticed something unusual. I didn’t realize I had sliced up my entire forearm, which turned out to be with a with a box cutter. There must have been about 26+ different drags. I needed to replace this heartache with physical pain to distract my wondering thoughts. I needed to feel something more than emptiness.

The following morning my ex found me at our friends place where he began to get aggressive with words which later turned physical which I find to this day my top 3 traumatic experiences. Once he finished dragging me from my car to inside this room - I was scared. Not the ‘peeing your pants’ type of scary but however, the thoughts of never being able to see my family ever again, my friends, my pets, play my favorite sport, finish high school, finish college, never, type of scary. In what felt like a life time, there was a moment during this physical outburst where I couldn’t see myself in my head. Like my life and how i want it to all be played out but there was nothing. I couldn’t hear that voice inside my brain. All I could feel was his hand around my neck & the other hand holding my arms down with my back against this hard surface - tears racing to my neck & forehead depending on where I was positioned - there’s screaming from both of us.

One of us is screaming their reasons & feelings and the other is screaming leave me alone. One person was ignored and the other, well, continued on.

I never stopped saying “leave me alone” “stop, get off, don’t touch me, help me” most of the time it was only in my head from the lack of oxygen going to my lungs and brain. I remember being very dazed & confused. During all of this, there was this brief moment of hope escalated when a fresh face stood in the doorway. A friend in my vision. The first person who isn’t my ex. That friend looked at both of us. Looked me in my watery eyes and continued to tell my ex to basically keep chill and calm down. In his own way I know he felt that he did something. But he walked away and that door slammed shut. That wasn’t the ending inside that room.

I had to take him back home after everything. I had to go to work right after dropping him off. The rest of the day, that feeling or emotion or energy or wtv I felt that you wanna call it.. it felt like death to me. death as in

~ a long stream of nothingness ~

Coming into the 6th year of living past this experience and others like it with my ex; I have a view words.

I was taught to care, to love, to grow, to give & importantly, to live.

My first relationship was scary in the most ugliest and beautifulest of ways. I never deserved a single abusive action or word that was said or done towards me. However, he was the first person that made me actually FEEL life, instead of just living in it. That sensation is guaranteed tied graciously with the feeling of love.

It’s starting to make sense to why I would continue to love him when his behavior towards me was bipolar the entire relationship. One day it was me and the next day it was her. One day it was you loving me and the next day you expressing the opposite of love to me.

Back then, I began to accept you were the only one that could make me feel both sensations simultaneously. You made me believe that was true for so long too.

You opened that beautiful part of life in me and then would shove me down a dark hole to create that feeling of ‘death’ (how I explained) inside my mind. This became a constant cycle that was oblivious to me at the time. Why would I want to sit there and feel empty? Why move on when no one else could give me it??

I always tried to move on. I always tried to meet other people. All it took was One message. One call. One nickname. Three words ~ 2 different phrases. That’s all it took. You always knew when to approach me. You always were aware of everything I did. You knew what you were doing.

You controlled me for so mother fucking long… and I unknowingly allowed you- just so I could feel love & life.

Some things he had said to me other the years of knowing him:

“Don’t go to college and move, stay here and go to community to become a teacher” “you’re dumb as hell” “you’ll never succeed because you’re stupid” “nobody will love you” “you don’t hate me” “you don’t love him” & plenty more.

[tinkerbellsblogg]

[tinkerbellsblogg]

[tinkerbellsblogg]

Film 35mm photographer: @raw.journal