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2015 might be a big penis

For years, I have approached each new year with optimism, hope, excitement, and a new sense of motivation, purpose, and inspiration. For years, I've looked back on the past year feeling disappointed, sad, and miles away from my dreams. I've decided that this year will be different. I can't say whether or not 2015 will be good or bad yet, but my entrance to the new year will be unlike years past. I approach 2015 with the same hesitation, excitement, and fear as I would a giant penis.

2015, the year of the metaphorical huge penis. I said that to a new acquaintance at a NYE party last night. I laughed. I like that my metaphor for the new year makes me giggle like an immature 12 year old girl. Laughter seems like a good foundation for any year, and this year should be full of fun, laughter, and lightheartedness that the past years have lacked.

But, why is 2015 like a giant penis, you may wonder? Allow me to...expand your horizons. We can’t predict the future, and though I will continue setting lofty resolutions each year, I also don’t want to keep feeling disappointed with my life come on all January 1sts. That is not a trend I wish to continue. So, I’m excited, but I’m also tentative about what this next year may bring. It could be full of the most immense joy and pleasure I've ever experience, it could hurt like hell, or it might just be too good to be true. I have big goals this year and feel like this year is either going to be a pivotal one for me or a waste of time on my lonely ticking biological clock, but January 1st marks another day in my life, not necessarily the marking of me as a new person. I’m still me, I’ll continue to be me, and I’m just going to be a better me. I take softly to 2015 with a level headedness, a pinch of self-loathing, and hopes for a better year ahead, so I don’t burnout halfway through. It looks like I’ll just need to relax, take a deep breath, make room for my new friend 2015, and enjoy the ride.

And, with my reservation, still comes (*ahem*) mighty hopes and dreams:

The usual suspects -- lose weight, be kinder to myself, don’t cuss so much, start dating again, workout more often, do a better job of meal planning and cooking, spend less and save more, and join a non-profit board.

New to the table -- deepen quality friendships and be okay letting others fade, buy a new car, finish decorating the house, start and/or re-start a hobby, experience more live music/art/dance, land a permanent job I enjoy, create my own natural toiletries, be more comfortable being uncomfortable, read more books (fiction and non-fiction), be present, and volunteer more.

Let’s be real though, 2015 actually isn’t a big penis, it’s another year. A big penis can be total crap, a small one can too, and vice versa. It’s how you live it, not how much you have to show for it. So, with all that cocky humor aside, here’s to a brighter year ahead!  2015, may you be a steady, fun, and memorable year.

Cheers, everyone, to a new year and a new leaf. I hope it's not too much to handle! Pace yourselves.

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new year, new inspo

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2013, go to hell.

Last year was the shits. Not 'the shit', no, that would have been a good thing. It was the shits, and 2012 wasn't much better.�� This year, however, is looking much better already.

In the last two years, I've gained a total of 60 pounds, which has meant having no clothes to wear, avoiding cameras like the plague, and a general sense of feeling shitty about myself almost every minute of every day. I started grad school, which is a major accomplishment, but it also sucked up all of my free time and fun.  I hit major difficulties at work.  I've slipped away from friendships (see comment about starting grad school).  My step-mom, who I actually call my mom, has not once, but four times demoralized me into a pile of tears and insecurities by saying incredibly hurtful things to me.  That woman fights dirty.  And, to top it all off, I've been pining over a couple of boys, but am at terrified to even think about dating because who could like a person that looks like me? I mean, if I can't like myself, who would?

Okay, so that's my deep sorrows and sadness wrapped up into 2 years of crap.  2014, on the other hand, is really starting off well.  Not to say that things are roses and kittens just yet, but I feel motivated and excited about steps I'm taking now that will have greater impact on my overall happiness in the long run, which of course makes me happier now, too. 

To begin with, I am only taking 1 class this quarter, which has felt so much freer and flexible.  I actually feel like I'm learning in my class, instead of racing to the finish line.  Work has honestly been horrible this past year, and I finally turned a corner simply by deciding it's time to start looking for something new.  So, now I am trying to tie up my major projects so that I will feel good when I leave a team that I really do love. 

The changes I have made at work and school, have given me the liberty to begin working out again and also preparing each week with meals for the day.  Each Sunday, I plan, shop, prep, and cook for the week.  This has meant that even in the most stressful of weeks, I still eat at normal times, in normal portions, and enjoy good food.  Meal planning has brought a lot of good changes for me, but I also bit the bullet and got a personal trainer!  Yesterday was my second time with her, but it was awesome and I feel great.  I'm only seeing her once a week, but as I build strength, endurance, and confidence with her, I also need and want to start working out more on my own. 

2014 is the year I take back my life again and start living it.  I'm taking the right steps, and damn does it feel good :)

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Guess who's back on the horse? That's right, moi! 

Last week, I think I finally had a breakthrough.  I feel re-motivated, re-energized, and re-ready to get my shit together.  I joined Weight Watchers (again), because logging my food diary other ways clearly isn't working, plus I have a couple of friends who are doing it, so that's helpful.

It's been a rough start to my 30th year, but I'm trying really hard right now to put energy into myself.  For the time being, I'm feeling motivated to really dig in and start losing. I've lost 2 pounds this week, and it feels pretty good :)

Cheers 'til next time!  And cheers to a smaller, more confident me!

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Supreme Fitness

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Truth.

A lot can change in a year

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Small steps will get you there!

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Well, I fell off the wagon. Hard. I turned 30 a couple of weeks ago and it was pretty rough for me. So, while I was throwing myself a pitty party for not being where I wanted in life yet, I threw myself off the wagon and lost motivation. Im not proud of myself right now, but I'm trying to muster up motivation again! For so many reasons I want to lose weight, but the one reason I have top of mind is how lonely I am. My friends are for the most part, married or in serious relationships, and of the married bunch, they're popping out kids! Its really difficult getting left out of so much simply for being single. Which brings me back to reason numero uno. There's a guy (isn't there always?!). Months ago a family friend tried to set us up, but because I'm so overweight I was too embarrassed to meet him. In fact, I stumbled across his okc profile and read through his answers to their questions -- "would it be a deal breaker if your potential partner was overweight?" his answer: "yes, even if just a little.". Or something to that extent. We've actually talked quite a bit over email and text (we both work at the same very large company), and bless his little heart, he's tried so hard to meet me a number of times. I find excuses every time he asks. In chatting with him, I've gotten to know him a bit, and...i think we actually are extremely compatable. In fact, I think he's pretty much the male version of me, but different too. We seem to have a similar sense of humor, goals, political views, cultural background, travel, and zest for life. I have a crush, but I don't have it in me to meet him. But...I really want to meet him. So, yes, I fell off the wagon, but I really need to hop back on and really kick it up a bunch! Wagon, I'm coming to get ya!! ...yeehaww?!

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fitness <3

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The last of my twenties

I turn 30 in just under two hours. I'm really struggling with this birthday. I'm not where I wanted to be at this age, not even close. Its been a tough couple of years, but I still had hope for a positive 30th. Instead, I'm all gloom and doom about it; so not me. The motivation in mustering within myself now is that this is a milestone birthday and I'm hoping that 30is the year that stuff gets good. I'm going to have to work hard at it, but I'm running out of time to start living my life. Twenties, you were full of love, laughter, fun, heartache, my thinnest and my fattest, professional UPS and downs, starting grad school, and many life learnings. You were wonderful and cruel all at once, but you were mine. Thirties, the twenties were great, but not that great. Please kick my twenties in the ass and bring me happiness, peace, love, a solid career path, friendships I want to keep, positivity, and fun. Be good to me; I need a few years of awesome right now.

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I cant wait to see what my body is made to look like

This is so true! One of the only things that keep me going is the fact that I have NEVER seen myself thin or fit so I’m really excited to see what my body actually looks like healthy ^_^

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30th birthday

My 30th birthday is around the corner; chasing me like I'm its prey!

I'm a birthday person. I love hosting events, celebrating birthdays, bringing people together; these are passions of mine.  Yet, when I think of my own birthday, I come up empty on ideas.  This is completely unlike me. I don't know what to do with this milestone birthday. The only thing I want to do is pretend it isn't happening and instead just go back to being 25 when I was happy with my looks, had awesome clothes, and was a really fun person.  I miss that. I'm so not where I wanted to be at 30; not even close!

Can anyone else relate? Do you have any suggestions on what to do? This isn't going to be a dirty thirty, a flirty thirty, or any other sort of blowout, but I know I'm going to regret it big time if I don't do something...yet, nothing actually sounds good! 

SOS!! Help a lady friend out!

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noblackout

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Trying!!

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