tightropeovermemory

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Isn't she lovely...isn't she wonderful...

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Love this stuff...

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Travel Musings...

I have been on a major "Adventure" for the past 2 weeks. The significance of this trip, it's timing, the symbolism, and all of the events leading up to it and continuing through it (I just made a decision to extend it a few hours before my flight was supposed to leave.), cannot be overstated. The nightmare of my life of the previous 6 years, has just morphed into the greatest and most...

Travel Musings (take 3)...

OK, so I finally got home from my trip last week. We were gone for a total of 3 weeks. The first half in Los Angeles for Pesach and the second half in New York. I finally have the ability to sit and write and I see that I started the blog post above at some point during my trip and never finished it.  How annoyed with yourself would you be if you wrote the above and can���t remember what words you intended to follow? I guess I will have to come up with some other way to describe the events that lead to our trip, the meaning behind it and the incredible entire trip filled with religious holidays, my younger son meeting my family for the first time, my very productive conversation with my mother and brother, the sheer joy I experienced on a multitude of occasions watching the wonder of an almost 7 year old experiencing so many new things.  The bonding we experienced was immeasurable and I fell in love with Central Park in a whole new way. We almost didn’t want to leave, the apartment was so lovely and convenient, and we enjoyed spending time with my older son. The Shabbat walks, seeing my Rabbi and him meeting my son, and the cholent! I can’t believe I am actually saying that but I couldn’t get enough of it. There was certainly my share of dredged up feelings of loss and sadness regarding past relationships but all of it was experienced with welcoming and respect. I am now back to “daily life” which is all moving forward as it should. I found a lovely new place with a large garden before leaving the country and signed POA for my lawyer to proceed with the purchase if everything checked out ok and it did. Just as I was landing in New York I got the news that I had just purchased a new home, one I plan to be in until 120...

Aaliyah

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❤❤

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http://catsdogsgifs.tumblr.com/

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i write because if i did not, i would surely go mad. but perhaps being a little bit mad is why i write.

we’re all a little mad here though, aren’t we? (cc, 2017)

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It took me far too long to realize that lost years and relationships cannot be recovered. That damage done to oneself and others cannot always be put right again.

Kay Redfield Jamison (via lomasdope)

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How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.

Rupi Kaur, Milk & Honey  (via wordsnquotes)

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You don’t need someone Who can love your brighter side But someone who dares To creep deep into the dark corners Of your mind And believes that some undiscovered treasure Lies hidden there.

Random Xpressions (via wordsnquotes)

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I broke your heart because I was scared you’d break mine.

Mt // it was me or you babe (via tellherium)

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Tolerance

I have a high tolerance for pain. I did not choose to become that way. I think subconsciously I was subjecting myself to increasing levels of pain, first physically, then mentally and then finally emotionally, as a way of attempting to master it, in order to convince myself I had control over it. It didn't work. Mental illness appears to me to be similar to addiction, which I also have experience with. Your life has to become so uncomfortable that you believe you truly cannot take one more moment of it, in order to decide that even though you believe that you simply are not capable of living any other way, you have no other choice but to ask for help, and not take no for an answer if you are not getting what you need and deserve. Unfortunately, for many, that "rock bottom" is so low because they have developed such effective ways of detaching. At least for chemically dependent persons, there are much more immediate, and obvious physical consequences. So rock bottom happens faster for most. And in addition, detox and short term therapy can cause such a different perspective, enough for them to begin to conceptualize that there might be a better way. But it seems to me that high functioning people with mental illness can live full life spans never knowing that they and those around them could be so much happier and more productive. I picture a hamster in one of those plastic balls. He's just walking, walking, walking, never realizing that there is a whole world outside of his head that's so much better. When you learn how to communicate more effectively and constantly recognize what you need to do to truly fulfill your needs, the world responds to you in a completely different way. One cannot make effective decisions if they are subconsciously filtering input out and distorting. And each poor decision perpetuates the belief that you are not capable of caring for yourself or that you are destined to be in unhealthy relationships, or that you are defective, or that you will never know what it truly feels like to be loved...I read something recently that was really profound to me. I can't remember who wrote it but it was, "If somebody loves you, it should FEEL like they love you". It hit me so hard that every single relationship I have ever been in I was constantly asking myself "Does he really love me?" throughout the entire relationship. Every single one! Now the problem is, most people would say "you just have poor self esteem and don't believe you deserve to be loved". I wish I could say that's what it was because that can be fixed pretty easily. The reality is that I have no concept of what it feels like to be loved. I have no doubts that some of the people who have left their mark on me have "loved" me. But I didn't FEEL loved because they were also repeatedly hurting me. What would cause me to tolerate this? Not poor self esteem, an inability to conceptualize that I could be "loved" by a safe person. I didn't "choose" emotionally unavailable men. They chose me, and I have an incredible ability to see the good in all people, am easily seduced, and become attached easily, which is a conundrum in itself. I am also loyal to a fault. I can be experiencing excruciating pain and think "Oh clearly he just doesn't realize how much pain he is causing me". Now I'm pretty sure he realizes it. They all do obviously because they don't want to feel it. They would rather make you feel it. It's a choice they make. Now that's not to say that if there was a third choice where nobody gets hurt that he wouldn't choose that option. But unfortunately that is never the case. It's either "I'm uncomfortable" but I remain uncomfortable and refrain from doing or saying painful things to others, or it's "I cannot tolerate this discomfort and unfortunately their suffering is less important to me". When you realize that he is consistently choosing his own comfort in the face of your pain, you can begin to see that it is a choice. Sometimes it's hard to be inside it, especially when you are someone who truly loves men and has some degree of understanding of them. I have always had much more close friendships with men. I love them when they can't even love themselves... Traveling for 2 1/2 weeks...not sure how much writing I will do...

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I am susceptible to seduction in all of it's glorious forms.

Aaliyah Rivera

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follow for more :)

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I realized that losing connection with ANYTHING, once I have experienced any form of connection TO or WITH it (person, emotion, thought process), is terrifying, makes me feel helpless, and contributes to my depression.

Aaliyah Rivera