throwawayy2526

[throwawayy2526]

i miss the old me but also no? i used to be a yes man. i used to go out of my way and do stupid shit to please people. i used to be impulsive and adventurous. i even carry a little bag with clothes in my school bag because if anyone wants me to go overnight at their house,  i wouldn’t skip a beat and just go. now, im more laid back. i say no literally all the time. i dont even like talking to people anymore. its peaceful atleast. i like that but man, i need to find a balance. i dont think its good to push away people....

[throwawayy2526]

been dreading to do my tasks just because ang hirap talaga intindihin yung instructions ni maam. this is the easiest class yet wala ako maintindihan. now i fucking know why si maam lang natatanging hindi gumagamit ng mga official terms na ginagamit on and off site... tapos super unorganized ng files sa bbl. Building permit yung file folder, tapos ang laman na file "fence" tapos and laman ng file sample ng A-1 to A-3 sheets. bro yung stress ko talaga kakaintindi kung ano yung fence line-- tapos yung Sheet A-1... nagtataka ako, nakakatatlong sheets na kami bakit A-1 pa rin ginagamit  omg the pain... lahat ng natutunan ko kay sir sai at don parang biglang naging joke. tapos wala talaga klase ngayon kay maam pero nagpameeting out of nowhere kase may announcement raw... BRO JUST SAY THE ANNOUNCEMENT SA ANNOUNCE TAB NG BBL. Di ako nakajoin ng call kase may iba akong klase. Like??? Why??? tapos yung exam namin kay maam sa 15 sa time ng klase ko sa iba rin.... eh graded yung attendance doon!!! im so mad. 

Bat kailangan isabay sa ibang klase at hindi sa time ng klase niya mismo. We have 6 hours ng lab time sa kanya, isasabay pa sa iba bruh. Lagi na lang raw puro pm sa kanya, ni-isa naman samin wala siyang nirereplyan. Please, gets ko rin naman yung need ng office hours and 2-3 working days to reply pero its been a week. wala pa rin. ugh nakakapagod and yung iba niyang klase kinakausap niya sa gc namin like?? its making things so much more confusing. 

[throwawayy2526]

putangina need ko ba magpa-equivalent

[throwawayy2526]

re-enrolling after 2 terms is just so exhausting. i honestly dont care kung sino na mga kaklase ko, i just want this over and done with.

[throwawayy2526]

nakakafrustrate talaga na ang akala ng magulang ko wala akong ginagawa eh di ko nga maasikaso mga personal matters ko kakaalis nila, tapos ako mag-aalaga sa mga bata. parang tangina lang :> we're all tired here AND I TOO have a life. Tangina, I can't even spend time with the friends i havent seen in a year kahit na birthweek ko kase im helping pero for them normal lang yon kase pagod rin sila. That's not the point naman. Okay lang na nandito ako. I know they're tired, pero do not fucking tell me na wala akong ginagawa. Nakakainis. Di ko nga mapakinggan nang buo yung All too well na 10 min version sa isang upuan dahil sa dami ng nangyayari. lmao 4am na nga ko gumigising daily to clean and cook in the kitchen for breakfast to dinner. ako rin naman nagpapakain sa mga bata maghapon pati merienda, ako naglalakad sa mga bata sa hapon, ako naman nagbabantay ng tindahan. ako nag-aasikaso sa mga kaibigan nilang dumadaan lagi sa bahay kase lagi silang wala. ewan ko kung saan nanggagaling yung impression na wala akong ginagawa. i wanna move out.

[throwawayy2526]

thoughts on the red album taylor's version and some personal insights red was definitely my favorite out of all taylor's album. every song, every word, even yung sequence ng mga kanta, i know by heart. which makes this very special to me. also, im turning 22 this month, so that's means sa lahat ng nagcacaption ng "im feeling 22" pwede kong sabihin na sakin yung taylor's version. lmao anyway, it's just so fun to revisit my fave album all over again and its like i'm listening to it for the first time kase yung changes rin sa audio. like its so much better! lalo na yung the last time. that's my fave song sa album and its just so much more balanced and you can hear the difference in both voices. its sooo good. i guess what I'm trying to say is it's nice to listen to it in my twenties because my 12 year old brain couldn't comprehend the emotions in this album. at the time yung mga heartaches ko lang is wattpad hahahahaha but the main reason why im writing this is a line from this song called nothing new. it says "how can a person know everything at eighteen But nothing at twenty-two?" and boy does that hit me hard. 2017 was definitely hard for me. It taught me to just do everything that i want because life is uncertain and the people around me can never save me,so i have to save myself blah blah. basically, i made a promise to myself na fuck it, just do whatever makes me happy. if I'm sad, just stop it. its not worth it. so at 18, learned to let things go. I've grown out of my shell, i was with people that made me feel safe and happy, something that was new to me. they were so good i was doubting them, and i had trust issues but they never did anything bad to me. even when my family to study another course, i followed my gut and chose my dream course and i was thriving together with my friends! we weren't all study tho, we were known to party and drink with the rest of the whole architecture family. i was an officer too, doing good for the community. i was finally happy, and i got everything figured out. fast forward to now. to say that im struggling seems like an understatement. i don't even know if i like my course anymore. i took 2 sem breaks and i really really don't want to comeback. it feels like im traumatized. i couldn't even look at my univ account for the past year. not even when i was enrolled because i hated it. i feel sick to my stomach. i couldn't enjoy being with my friends anymore because they felt like a distraction to my studies. i didn't give myself a break for a year and i still failed. i was so burned out. and trying so hard to get back on my feet, adding more pressure on myself and failing again and again felt so horrible i had to decide to take a break from it all. now i don't even want to come back. i dont even know i i like it anymore because of everything that has happened. the thing is this was my only option. this was the thing that i wanted. now, i dont know where to start, i dont even want to, but i have to. it's just not this that has been put to a halt. i dont even know who i am for the last year, heck for the last month, i have stopped talking to most of my friends. I've been obsessing about games, but lately i am burning out with them too. i really dont know anything at this point in time and surely i thought i would have figured things out a little bit more. so yeah, taylor just feels so timely rn with me having a fucking existential crisis.

[throwawayy2526]

never taking 3D commissions again. what a pain in the ass

[throwawayy2526]

minura ko lolo ko. ayoko talagang ginagawa akong tanga. my parents may let it slide kapag nagnanakaw siya ng pera pero yung nakita ko na harap-harapan tapos sinabi pa sakin na hindi raw. tangina lang, anong respe-respeto? huwag mo kong gawing tanga. i do have a big ego kaya di ako nakapagpigil. ang aga aga, namamalengke magulang ko kaya kaming dalawa lang nandito. tinawanan pa ko amputa. the audacity.  it’s not like we deprive him of his needs, he’s been eating like a king. may sarili pa siyang ulam most of the time bcs of his dietary needs and whenever he requests something, we get it for him. there’s no fucking reason to do it. unless bumibili siya ng mga bawal sa kanya. yun yung nakakainis. alam na magkakasakit siya sa mga binibili niya pero okay lang raw yun. as if siya gagastos kapag nagkasakit siya. ang confident niya pa na madami kaming pera eh di naman niya alam financial situation namin. ni hindi nga ko nagpaconfine last month kahit na hirap na hirap na ko nung nagkasakit ako kase alam kong walang pera. i swear the entitlement ng mga matatanda sa mga anak nila.

[throwawayy2526]

i just went to the other room to check up on my nephews cause they were suspiciously quiet... pagpunta ko dun nagphophone si carter which is bawal and henry was just playing then henry stood up and played rock, paper, scissor, shoot with me. akhkjshfaklshjfd bata, bato bato pix na lang, nabubulol ako skdfhakljsdhf yun lang

[throwawayy2526]

i mightve overdone it again. niyaya ako ng kaibigan ko kahapon na maglaro ng tetris... and yeah natalo ako but it was a while and i kinda changed the controls im used to. anyway, i hyper fixated on it kanina and i was playing for like 6 hours, ranking up kase super namiss ko tetris battle. i remember emon and i constantly playing after class and nasa compshop ako and it was everythinggggg lalo na nung nagkalaptop ako at broadband. i was very addicted na napapanaginipan ko yung blocks noon. so yeah, it’s kind of like going back to an old addiction. kanina tho nagsend ng invite ulit friends ko and this time, i kept on winning and i felt bad kase lagi akong nananalo and i felt like di na sila nag-enjoy and it came to a point na binibigyan ko na sila ng head start or nagsosoftdrop ako ng block and even taking my hands off my keyboard to eat lkfjsadl;fkjal;dkj and i still managed to win. im afraid na di na nila ako iinvite or something huhuhuhuhu bat ba ko ganito? i should probably stop playing it para enjoyable sa mga kalaro ko.

[throwawayy2526]

may nakita akong post sa reddit saying na every month he searches himself sa google and they get rid of it kapag may lumalabas like 3rd party shit thingy so i thought that hey that's a good fucking idea and putangina lang pano ko madedelete yung putanginang pangalan ko sa wattpad art contest na sinalihan ko nung 2013 putaaa may site sila parang tanga tapos yung englist language test sa school namin lumalabas :> sige tangina lang. di ko rin matatanggal yon tapos dfhkajhdfaksdhfasdkjfha eto nawindang ako kase memory ko wala naman talagang kwenta. so yung isa pang result is "Research Misconduct" tapos fucking names namin ng mga kagroup ko nung grade 12 research edi napawtf ako ano namang research misconduct namin huhuhuhu did we cite something wrong? maybe di naparaphrase? wtf talaga tapos hay kami pala sumulat nung fucking post. Tangina naman yung kaba ko para maattach sa name ko yung research misconduct. my fucking reputation lalong sira HAHAHAHAHHA napansin ko lang na kami yung sumulat nung nakita ko yung comments na mga kaklase ko nagsulat fucking bing blogspot sahdfkasjhdfa no one uses u

[throwawayy2526]

i’ll be fucking triggered if someone makes a fat joke about me kapag nagvirtual meet up kaming magkakaibigan lalo na’t isang linggo na kong literal na walang kinakain. covid fucking sucks and everything fucking hurts

[throwawayy2526]

really wish you didn’t say that

[throwawayy2526]

when you’re the “talented” one in the family and they have high expectations from u so growing up, you were praised all the time and you never bothered to practice anything cause you felt like you were good enough and got tired of that hobby so u move on to the next one and then lose interest again so really you're just a jack of all trades but a master of none so u can never do anything professionally so you dropped out of college and now you’re stuck as the obese, gay, “creative” tita that babysits and makes projects for the kids, and the black sheep, palamunin of the family. nice 

[throwawayy2526]

Was never a fan of kopyahan bcs of the guilt but today i am different. Binigay ko sagot ko sa buong exam HAHAHAHHAHA labag sa loob pero new me is not madamot,,,,

[throwawayy2526]

i was gone for a day. had a sleepover with two of my friends. all of us were fully vaccinated and i just had a taste of freedom. gago, kailan matatapos tong pandemic? hahahahhah fuck. ang laking ano nga  lang,,, pagbabago sa ginagawa ko lately like i know inaayos ko buhay ko and stuff like being sober and not smoking and shit but aaaaa got a taste of that too and although i havent done it again since coming home, super laki na ulit ng craving ko huhuhuhuhu :< tipong naglalaway ako sa yosi gago talaga pero sige, im strong. tom hopefully back on top of my sched na ulit ako. wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi matulog. 

[throwawayy2526]

saw a post on a genshin impact about a weird mhy appreciation post bcs it gave him/her a reason to smile again and fr tho,,, it really helped me in a weird way. i thought it was soooo grindy and i really hated the fact that i have to play every single day bcs i find it hard to be consistent everyday and it kinda feels like a chore. idk but i did it anyway kase i have an unhealthy obsession with games like i will not stop until i get everything done and until i reach the end,, kung walang end, then might as well get the highest score. even with stupid puzzle games i dont like, i still do this. so yeah, doing this everyday made me actually realize i can do shit if i really wanted to. aaaaaaaaaaaaaa wala lang :< nung naisip ko yun parang mas naging managable na yung mga tasks na ginagawa ko daily. nasira lang kanina but i guess i needed the rest. restarting todayyyy!!! <3