throwawayconfusedghost

[throwawayconfusedghost]

adding onto this, i dont feel like a full bi person right now. i feel like a sapphic who somehow loves a guy. and when i think about this i feel it so strongly. but when we’re together i feel happy. my therapist said he may just be my best friend. im scared of that because i feel like i could still be happy if we were best friends.

ive been trying to see if there are other issues in the relationship that are making me feel like this. i asked him how he shows his love, because hes not very expressive. he said every time he looks at me and hugs me. i do feel loved but i dont know if im reciprocating.

i hate that ive thought about him breaking up with me and still being my friends and ive been okay with it. i could never break up with him, it wound really destroy him. and its not that im unhappy.

this is really really hard. i dont know what im feeling or what to do.

i hate the fact that i think i’d be happy if we were just best freinds. i find myself almost hoping he’ll break up with me so we can stay friends and i can maybe have a girlfriend later. im also afraid that ill regret not being with him, genuinly gives me a safe place. hes the first person who has ever truly given me the space to exist and be myself, and he feels the same. 

i feel like im lying to him and to myself. i wish i never had these thoughts or feelings. usually this goes away by the end of the day, but this has been here for days.

i feel like im tearing myself apart. part of me looks back and photos and listens to playlists and cries becasue i feel so loved. the other part is secretly hoping he breaks up with me. then i wonder... do i love him or do i just feel loved? am i being completely self serving in this? 

i hate this i hate this so much. i have no one else to talk to about this. i see my therapist once a week and i usually tell my bf everything, so keeping something that is effecting my like this from him is just another burden. i hate this

i thought that some of what i was feeling was just normal girl things, like im more comfy with the idea of girls than i am with boys because i am a girl. my therapist quickly burst that bubble and she (a straight woman) quickly explained that shes never experienced that.

i really do know that he loves me. and i love him. but i dont know if i love him as a partner or as a friend.

i cant consume or look at lgbt+ media. i cant see two girls, even friends, together. i cant even look at the fucking lesbian flag. i dont even want to look at the bi flag. 

i sit and think that if no one else existed, i would genuinely be happy with him. i really do think he is my best friend. but i dont know if theres something more or not, and i dont know if we seperated, if i would regret it. i wish i never had these thoughts.

it might be useful info to know that im autistic and have a hard time understanding the line between friendship and romance. and hes the first real friend i’ve had in a very long time

questioning sexuality while in a long term relationship

ok this is a throw away account because i have a lot of very confused feelings i need to put somewhere bc i dont see my therapist soon enough lmao. if you could really take the time to read and maybe respond i would really really really appriciate it.

for contex: i currently id as a cis bi girl, and im in a long term relationship with my boyfriend

i keep having this reoccuring feeling when my bf and i are not together that maybe im way more into girls than i thought. most of the time im able to brush this off because i genuinely love him. weve been together for over a year and i really do love him

but i just had a very scary thought. what if im not in love with him, im in love with what we do together? 

this is gut wrenching. hes such a huge huge part of my life and we share everything with each other. weve had a very strong relationship and have done a lot together. but i cant shake this thought, and when i do it comes back a few weeks later.

for a few years i did identify as a lesbian, but i dont think im quite gay, i do think i am bi,  because i do love my boyfriend sexually and romantically. but i dont know why i cant shake the feeling that id be happier with a woman.

i dont really love kissing my boyfriend. when i fantasize, my instict is to fantasize of  myself with a woman. i want everything i have with my partner…but with a woman.

i hate this. i hate this so much. i try to convince myself its internalized biphobia, the feeling that since im with a man im less queer. or that i instincutally find women more attractive because i know girls. i know my own self, and boys are something different that i dont know. newsflash: it doesnt work long term.

my fear is that im more attracted to the stability and relationship i have than i am to the person im with. and its really hard, becasue i love my boyfriends personality. but i cant shake this sinking feeling that id love him more if he were a girl. and i do not want to do that to him. weve really been through a lot together. i dont want to ever leave him. i think partially its because i dont want to be alone, and partially becasue i genuinely am close to him. i dont want to lose him, but when thinking about braking up, i dont think we could still be close friends, or even friends at all. i dont think he could handle it, and i dont think i could either. i would feel so fucking guilty.

i have so many thoughts and feelings. this is kind of taring me apart. it happens whenever we arent together for a bit, or i feel even slightly “disconnected” from him. which is why i fear i love what we are, not who im with

i feel such a terrible sinking feeling. i really need to talk to someone abuot this but he is really the only person i conceptually could, but i obviously cant do that. if you could please please just say anything id appriciate it. that you relate, advice, anything. thank u <3

[throwawayconfusedghost]

questioning sexuality while in a long term relationship

ok this is a throw away account because i have a lot of very confused feelings i need to put somewhere bc i dont see my therapist soon enough lmao. if you could really take the time to read and maybe respond i would really really really appriciate it.

for contex: i currently id as a cis bi girl, and im in a long term relationship with my boyfriend

i keep having this reoccuring feeling when my bf and i are not together that maybe im way more into girls than i thought. most of the time im able to brush this off because i genuinely love him. weve been together for over a year and i really do love him

but i just had a very scary thought. what if im not in love with him, im in love with what we do together? 

this is gut wrenching. hes such a huge huge part of my life and we share everything with each other. weve had a very strong relationship and have done a lot together. but i cant shake this thought, and when i do it comes back a few weeks later.

for a few years i did identify as a lesbian, but i dont think im quite gay, i do think i am bi,  because i do love my boyfriend sexually and romantically. but i dont know why i cant shake the feeling that id be happier with a woman.

i dont really love kissing my boyfriend. when i fantasize, my instict is to fantasize of  myself with a woman. i want everything i have with my partner...but with a woman.

i hate this. i hate this so much. i try to convince myself its internalized biphobia, the feeling that since im with a man im less queer. or that i instincutally find women more attractive because i know girls. i know my own self, and boys are something different that i dont know. newsflash: it doesnt work long term.

my fear is that im more attracted to the stability and relationship i have than i am to the person im with. and its really hard, becasue i love my boyfriends personality. but i cant shake this sinking feeling that id love him more if he were a girl. and i do not want to do that to him. weve really been through a lot together. i dont want to ever leave him. i think partially its because i dont want to be alone, and partially becasue i genuinely am close to him. i dont want to lose him, but when thinking about braking up, i dont think we could still be close friends, or even friends at all. i dont think he could handle it, and i dont think i could either. i would feel so fucking guilty.

i have so many thoughts and feelings. this is kind of taring me apart. it happens whenever we arent together for a bit, or i feel even slightly “disconnected” from him. which is why i fear i love what we are, not who im with

i feel such a terrible sinking feeling. i really need to talk to someone abuot this but he is really the only person i conceptually could, but i obviously cant do that. if you could please please just say anything id appriciate it. that you relate, advice, anything. thank u <3