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I regret buying FF15...

My biggest regret was buying 15 at $60 right when it came out. I’ve never regret buying a game before. I’ve bought bad games before and it sucked but I didn’t regret it like I did buying 15. With 15 I felt scammed. I hated 15 so much that I didn’t buy the dlc’s and will not buy the royal edition. I will never buy a Square Enix game day one ever again. I will never by a square Enix game at full price ever again. 

I’m a fan of Final Fantasy and I’m nervous excited for the FF7 remake but I will absolutely not buy it day one and I will absolutely not buy it at full price. Maybe some of Square Enix’s other titles won’t have the issues that 15 had but I will definitely be cautious of Final Fantasy games form now on. Square really fucked up with this one. 

Fan’s have spent over $100 on a game that is still not finished. Its such a shame because I like the characters of 15. I like the world of Final Fantasy. But this just sucked…

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Papaparrapa The Rapapa

Now I know this game isn’t relevant or even remotely new but I’ve got to cover the basics of my account and plus I love this game and after my opening of SOTC the next three will be: Parrapa The Rapper Parrapa The Rapper 2 Hatoful Boyfriends

Funky fresh.

So what is it?

Parrapa the Rapper is an adorable rhythm game released on the 6th of December 1996 about a Dog (Parrapa) trying to get the girl (Sunny the Flower) throught the power of sick beats and tasty rhymes. Originally for the PS1 and remastered on it’s 20th anniversary for the PS4 this game truly stood the test of time with it’s relevant world and clothing designs, character tropes and phrases. With no phrase topping the titular characters own catchphrase “I gotta believe!”, now for the tech bit because a review without mechanics is like a dancefloor without me.

Controls and Mechanics

The basis of the game is pretty simple, unless you want to be cooool but more on that later, the teacher (one of 5 unforgettable characters) will rap a line showing the buttons that need pressing and when it’s your turn you repeat it as well you can with pretty lenient timing windows. An ambiguous score will show in the bottom left but the “U rappin’“ meter is where it’s at going from Awful at the bottom, through Bad and Good up to the big boy leagues Cool. If your timing is right and you can hit the buttons when needed you’ll get the Good you need to progress onwards in the game. However, as i mentioned earlier, the Cool ranking is where it is at. Each teacher has their own style that you need to learn and rap to, whether its the free bloopy groove of Prince FleaSwallow or the tight, fowl raps of Cheap Cheap if you can press the right buttons to the correct beat you’ll progress to the cool ranking. At this point, the student becomes the master, quite literally as the teacher ducks out, there are no prompts and you have to use all the buttons to your own timings untill the stage finishes before you can really call yourself a Cool rapper.

Ignore the demo it was quicker for the screenie.

Now then, I personally love a list so i’m going to be throwing one in here just like my SOTC review so let you’re eyes drink in the flavours my fingers are about to preach.

The Teachers (Levels)

#1 Chop Chop Master Onion

Kick, punch, it’s all in the mind; if you wanna test me, i’m sure you’ll find.

After being confronted by two bullies infront of your bae and only to have salt rubbed in the wound by the games antagonist Joe Chin showing up too parrapa decides he needs to learn how to fight.

Coming at you with no easy starts this teacher is the most iconic of the series (of two games) and is loved for his rhymes and rhythm, his vibes and violence, him kicking it and him kickin’ it. His oriental rap beat matched with inspiring but funky trumpet tunes during his (oddly worded) freestyles make him an incredible intro and sets the tone and bar for the rest of the game. Cool tip: Don’t go too over the top with freestyles at this point.

#2 Instructor Mooselini

When i say Boom Boom Boom, you say Bam Bam Bam; No pause inbetween, come on lets jam.

Once the physical fiasco has been settled ya boi parrapa and co. decide they want to go to the beach but have no way of getting there, to which Joe Chin (prick) arrives in his 230m long limo and offers them a lift, providing the guys sit in the back with the girls upfront. In order to stop this happening again we must learn to drive.

Not one of the better levels i must admit but it does introduce you to the wacky way in which this game orders its tasty lyrics and that what you think may be the correct beat could be entirely wrong. I actually struggled quite a bit my first ever time playing this level as it was such a change in tone from CCMO, the backings more ordered and less of a groove but it all fits in with the fact that this is the only qualified teachers out of the “teachers” Cool tip: Couple your buttons together as much as you can.

#3 Prince FleaSwallow

In the rain or in the snow; got to got the funky flow.

You got the license and took your dads car within 10 minutes, well done. Except you totally totalled it and your dad had 59 more monthly payments on it, good job Wingnut. How are you going to buy a new car for your dad?

This reggae tune is nothing like anything else in the game and is one of the best levels to reply, while the beat is smooth and easy to feel the buttons themselves are fast and constant countered by the fact it’s normally the same button each line. My favourite for the tune this song is easy to get into and a delight to play not too mention the charisma of FleaSwallow himself rubbed off a bit on me. Cool tip: Button Mash

#4 Cheap Cheap

Every single day stress comes in every way; I ain’t got no time, for nobody.

You’ve got the moves, the car and the money. All it’ll take now is one romantic gesture to catch her heart, and how can you do that? Baking her a fish cake obviously.

By far the hardest level, but it pays off. Cheap cheaps got the flow coming at you live, every single day she jives. The best raps and lyrics in the game but you had better keep up because Cheap is unforgiving, if you go down from good status she’ll come out of her TV set and have a go at parrapa while keeping up her rap. Backed with a smooth saxophone track Cheap is a teacher who’s approach seems harsh but she knows whats best for you. Cool tip: Pray

#5 Toilet?

I don’t know really

She loved the fish cake and when you shared it on your picnic she almost fell for you, but the fish didn’t sit so well with you. You’ve got to get to a toilet and fast.

I can understand what this level was meant to be, as the penultimate level they couldn’t introduce another master and it had to be the cultivation of all your training. But while the lyrics aren’t particularly bad and the tune isnt dreadful it’s all just a bit... meh. You get in line for the toilet and all four of your teachers are ahead of you and you have to rap yourway in front of them, while the scnario seems odd it’s a good idea it just wasn’t pulled off too well in this level. Cool tip: Couples every other line, then mash inbewtween.

#6 MC King Kong Mushi

You gotta do what? You gotta do what?? I gotta believe!

You made it to the end, go ahead, the stage is all yours.

A great last level I think, you’re partnered with quite the capable MC who doesn’t hog the stage but doesn’t leave you on your own performing a concert in front of all your friends with your teachers on stage with you in the back row. However, this is still the final stage and despite having one of the catchiest choruses ever it still has some tubular button combos and long lines to try and catch you out. My one qualm is that the teachers being there has less of an afffect since all four of them were in the previous level, but at least this time you’re not watching them in desperation for the toilet. Overall a feel-good end to a feel-good game. Cool tip: Button on each side of the 4 beats per line.

Final Verdict

The art style of the game is definitely interesting and I’ve found it’ll either intrigue people so much they’ll buy it or turn them off before even playing it. If you are either of those people, while this game won’t be topping any Watchmojo lists anytime soon it is definitely a short chill out game that you should get for if you ever have a minute or two spare.

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I’m just gonna say it.

I don’t mind Wander’s face. Like at all. In fact…I like it GASP!!!

I mean wander has always looked kinda derpy.

Even in this unfaltering lighting it isn’t a big deal. I just can’t bring myself to care about something so insignificant as “his face is shorter by like a pixel.”

I hate to break it to you but wander was never meant to be the dashing prince charming resurrecting the damsel in distress. He’s just some guy in way over his head making a huge mistake. He’s not a super model. His original model was just a few flat textures pressed into a face. So blue point made a new model. Hell I never even noticed his face was any different until people were losing their shit about it. 

I knew there would be nitpicking and bitching because “how dare bluepoint change even one hair” (eye roll). So I’m not surprised or anything I’m just a bit disappointed that people would knock the game down a peg just for a remodeled face. 

The more and more I play this game the more I love it and the less I can complain about things. Even when the og bugs start poking through in the way Agro moves or how wander is so clumsy and stumbles over every thing I just can’t bring myself to bitch about it. In fact the clumsiness just reminds me that wander is in way over his head. The boy can’t even stand on his own two feet but yet he manages to slay 16 towering giants. It’s just beautiful. 

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Shadow Of The Colossus? More like Great Experience Of The Colossus Amirite?

What can I say about this game that hasn’t already been said? I’d bet not much if anything at all to be honest, but on the near to impossible chance that this is the first you’re hearing about this game and I have the pleasure informing you about it (or you’re just here for the mad bants) then strap in.

Kitted out in all the gear.

Quick semi-disclaimer, purely for the fact it's the version i've played most recently and it gives me more delicious cinema like screenies I'll be on the most part talking about the "hot off the press" remaster for ya boi the PS4 rather than the PS2 or the PS3 versions which I definitely own and have definitely 100% completed (Insecurities bleeding through). So then lets get kicking.

General Overview

Gen. Overview, we meet again for the first time. So then, you’ve just bought shadow of the colossus, you’ve remembered the past or heard the hype and decided to indulge and buy yourself a copy for the PS2,3 or 4. After the JapanStudios and Bluepoint logos break the emptiness of your screens you’re met with a stunning scene of a full moon caught amongst shadowed peaks and as it begins to dawn on you what caliber of game this will be and the choir kicks in and after following an eagle soar through this landscape the camera catches and follows out protagonist and his companion Wander and Agro.

So by now the cutscene has ended, 5 or 50 minutes of you sat stunned have past and you realise what you’re in for. You select new game on normal difficulty (because obviously you’re a good gamer but you’re not going to choose hard pfft this game could be crazy) and the game begins properly, for real. Even without knowing anything about this game, reading colossalpedia or reading any item descriptions at all it’s pretty easy to get the jist of what this games about. You’re bae has died and a big gender ambiguous hole in the roof tells you to kill 16 colossi and they’ll return the favour once you’re done, off you pop.

Controls

If you read, watch, listen to other reviews for this game you’ll find that over and over again that this game has terrible controls and that more often than not it’s the games one fault. I however, happen to disagree (oooooh EdGy alternative view), admittedly the original PS2 camera was a tad whacked up but it was a small price to pay for the sheer magnitude of such a game on that console, and even then they made up for it by giving you some wicked collectible postcards in the game box so it’s all cool. Even so, this problem was fixed with later remasters with more fluid camera controls and better graphics to turn “bad camera angles” into “cinegraphic shots”

Photographic proof I’m a hipster collector and can say I know what i’m talking about, even if I don’t.

I’m going to avoid talking about the colossi at the moment as much as I can since i’m going to discuss them later and make this even longer than it’s already going to be so for the remainder of this section i’ll say some stuff about mechanics, scenery and maybe throw some of the bonus stuff in. I don’t know i’ll decide when i get to it.

Gameplay

Once you’ve finished meeting Dormin (The holy hole) and you’ve hopped on Agro you hold up your sacred sword which helps you find where your next victim and you follow it as closely as you can tackling puzzling environments and the most agoraphobic world you’ll ever encounter between your location and your destination. (If only I had that sword I might be able to find where this reviews actually heading). Once you reach your destination and before the cutscene your next epic clash it’s easy to see that each area is specifically designed for how you’re meant to tackle this foe, whether its an open area made to emphasise your battle partner or an enclosed field with brittle spires to take advantage of, every part has been meticulously crafted to make the encounter easier without taking away the incredible feeling of defeating these giants on your own.

Big mommas house.

I’m running out of words for epic and colossus so i’m going to smoothly transition over to mechanics now. Each fight at its core is the same, you have to find a way onto the colossus, hold on, find the weak spot and stab it till it dies, using two main mechanics of Holding/Climbing and Stabbing. Seeing how theres 16 Colossi in this game (A mere glimpse of the planned 48) it would make sense to think that this would get repetative. However, each colossi is so different from the last with only a few showing similarities (ahem the minotaur bros) and this partnered with utilizing the environment, the horse, or the bow in different ways for each and sometimes not at all makes each battle a brand new experience in of itself. Which is great considering you have to play this game at least 4 times to be able to say you’ve completed it, which in a way is like fighting the original 48 planned colossi.

After you’ve completed your first run, experienced the twist ending and had your adaption back into our reality you get to play through it all over again but this time in the aptly named “Hard mode” which is essentially the same except some of the colossi have more weak points, you do less damage but take more and the colossi try to shake you off more and oooooh do some of them try to shake you off. There is no real reward for completing Hard mode except being able to say you’ve done so and no one likes that type of guy (I’ve completed hard mode). With Hard mode out the way you’ve experienced the twist a second time and while the magic of the game never leaves the initial oomph does fade and it’s at this point the time trials come in. From here on it becomes less of an experience and more of a game.

To begin time attack you have to pray at the shrine of the colossus you wish to challenge (which probably has a meaning but this isn’t game theory with mousemat so i’m not going to figure it out). Depending on the difficulty the time you have to defeat it changes but aside from that it’s the same as the previous fights but without the travelling and time pressure is thrust upon you. The best part about the Time attack mode is that for every two colossi you defeat you get a dandy new thing to play with ranging from a harpoon to the worst parachute ever, to save this being any longer than it needs to be i’m going to refrain from listing them all but trust me, they’re alright.

The Colossi

Now ladies and gentlemen the moment i’ve been waiting for, I get to spend an hour writing about each colossus individually hopefully saving whatever respectability there is in this sub-par review. So in no particular order, aside from the order they come in in the game, the Colossi: #1 Valus [Minotaur A]

I’m horny and he’s scared.

I’m going to keep these short so don’t worry, not long left. Valus the shortest of the 4 bipedal colossi and the first of the minotaur bros, valus is an excellent tutorial, not the smallest to take away from the sense of scale but not the biggest allowing for more oompah later on in the game he is an excellent introduction to the game. The platforms on his back have often been criticized but if they weren’t there then where would his pet birds rest. Good/10

#2 Quadratus [The Mammoth]

Only half as horny as I.

Coming in at number two on a list in chronological order is Quadratus, still seen as a tutorial colossus he is the first colossus where Agro and your bow can be incorporated easily. To new players without a walkthrough the only real challenge is getting onto him as his leg hairs aren’t easily accessible but once thats out the way you can prepare for another epic feeling riding this beast for its final moments. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)/10

#3 Gaius [The Knight]

Duck me.

Strolling by at the tallest of the bipedal colossi its general consensus that Gaius is where the game begins, his battle includes a puzzle, he is a challenge in himself to scale and he has more than one vital spot. His arena gives impressions of being custom built for a champion like him as it’s a flat platform raised above a lake, with little background scenery sans the temple on the horizon accentuating how lanky this challenge is.It’s no mystery why gaius is plastered all over the promotions for this game. 9/10

#4 Phaedra [Kirin]

A stallion, Baby! I can whinny! I can Count!

Phaedra? More like puzzle because holy moly this one took a while to figure out, another where jumping aboard isn’t just an option you have to use the environment and then hop on its banging dreads and once you’re on its head you better hold on because larger Agro bangs his head like he’s bopping along to the games own soundtrack. This is the last colossus at the moment with its weak point on it’s head and things really change up in the next battle. I’m Trotting/10

#5 Avion [-]

I died getting this shot.

The story hasn’t started developing yet and you’re beginning to feel a slight lull at this point, you get the jist, there’s big things you got to kill. So far they’ve all been roughly the same size, had the same pattern and been one of two designs. Enter Avion and you had best jump when he enters or you’ve got no chance at catching this speedy boi, this battle brings back the original feeling of grandeur and sprinkles new flavours of epic over the top. The feeling of flying is portrayed so well here with the wind rush graphics and the resistance you can feel the resistance in the controls. Also as you can see this one’s got a helmet so you’ve got to find those weak points elsewhere. 9/10

#6 Barba [Minotaur B]

Prick

The second of the minotaur bros and by far the worst, I could have done without this guy. After solving the easiest “puzzle” ever you just think back to your training with Valus but instead of go up his back... go up his front! On his big dumb beard. Remember how I said phaedra bangs his head? That’s a spirit level compared to how much this guy shakes and everytime he shakes you have to charge up your blade all over again. If it wasn’t for a slight exploit where you can cancel his shaking animation if you time the stabs right I could have broken my first controller over this spice. -0/10

#7 Hydrus [The Eel]

I wouldn’t swim through that warm bit if I were you.

Another innovative and creative battle? Surely not. Well yes, yes indeed, a slippy boi this time and one of my top three, I love this battle. Often ridiculed for having bad AI or tough combat people ridicule this snake for not coming up to the surface, well i’ve got as word describing people like that bad at games all you have to do is imagine his line of sight and splish around in it and he comes up, you grab on and either tackle the electrode spines or avoid them entirely. Not the only subterranean colossus but the only water one unfortunately. ~~/10

#8 Kuromori [The Gecko]

Not the most annoying mouth cannon i’ve seen.

So far the most Aggro colossus we’ve met and on of the better puzzle ones, it doesn’t get so caught up in being a puzzle it stops being a fight. This colossus is one of the colossi who know you’re coming for their life and he’s not going to let you just take it. Unfortunately once you’ve cracked his puzzle he’s a cakewalk on later repeats but the first time he was the first I considered to be an opponent. Appreciative Head Nod/10

#9 Basaran [The Turtle]

The most annoying mouth cannon i’ve seen.

Here we go, the only other of these creatures I despise, the other being Minotaur Beard. The trick to this one is surgical precision and digitally accurate timing, if you don’t have that then good luck. This monstrosity needs tipping over (Because his developer names turtle *fake laugh*) and the only way to do that is to get him standing over one of the nearby geisers when it goes off, then you shoot his legs out and climb up him when he’s flipped. After the trial and effort it takes after all that you’re met with another run up it’s back and stab its head scenario exactly like quadratus. Also did I mention if you’re not at the exact right range he will spam the hell out of that cannon attack, I did not feel bad killing this one. Fuck you/10

#10 Dirge [Naga]

It took 15 mins and this was the best shot

Similar to his sibling from another parent dirge is the second subterranean colossi and definitely the less chill of the two, you still want to ride this one and stab his back but you don’t have to worry about splishing to get his attention this time. He wants you. One of the better puzzles of the game but not entirely obvious at first you have to get this one to crash into a wall and take the opportunity then to get on his back and land the killing blows. Quite an average experience to be honest lots of people place him at the bottom or the tops of their lists but I feel once you’ve got the trick down he’s a big pushover. Onix/10

#11 Celosia [The Lion]

You mess with the bull, you get the horn.

You find the sunken city, you continue on alone as Agro can’t handle stairs and you enter a temple with flames licking the was. Destroyed pillars? A roof? Before you can begin picturing the type of colossus you will fight an overweight cow with anger issues jumps down from the roof and you have to abuse its psychological fear of fir to break its armour and take advantage of the bare flesh. With it being further in the game it’s another colossus that feels like more of a puzzle than a duel but even so, overpowering a creature closer to your size is just as satisfying as a walking obelisque 50 times your size. 2 Horns/10

#12 Pelagia [Poseidon]

About as large as a blade of grass.

Swimming takes a while in this game. It’s not bad or hard to control, it’s just slow. and this battle has the most need for thought out swimming. Avion was just a swim to the start and Hydrus was just a splish and ride, but Pelagia moves while you swim which takes slight angling. When you get on his rear nub and worm up his back to his head you’re met with a crown of teeth rather than a weak point and with this you get to drive a colossus *play revived power*. It’s the inclusion of the steering your new whip and the incorporation of towers to access the colossus that make this fight original and shows you that the developers still had new ideas this close to the end. 7/10

#13 Phalanx [The Snake]

Game of the year 2005

Here we are, the star of the show. The fan favourite and it’s no question as to why, after a few experimental colossi that required thinking and plans this battle brings it back to the roots. There’s a big thing, you’re hopelessly insignificant, it’s completely innocent and you’ve got to kill it. The only one in which I had to take a screenie of the cutscene as it is too huge to fit in one shot during gameplay. Surely a colossus in every sense of the word and one where the magic never fades. 11/5

#14 Celosia Cenobia [Cerberus]

Mess with the Boar? You get the tusks?

From reading other reviews i’ve found that ceonbia is often cited as the worse of the two diddy colossi saying that Cenobia was a retexture of Celosia in a convoluted puzzle. I disagree though I think this is only because Celosia came first, Cenobia is the more aggressive of the two as it doesn’t have an apparent fear and it’s puzzle is way easier to figure just from looks. My only gripe is that the time to charge its charge is the exact amount of time it takes to get back up from a knock down so if you go down then you might as well move out because you’re done. CtrlV/10

#15 Argus [Minotaur C]

I’m so tired

The third and final minotaur bro and the biggest of the three, Argus. By now you kind of get the jist with these guys you have to get on their head and stab it with maybe another point on his chest, arm or even hand?? Once again often bashed for being another copy especially at the penultimate spot but I think it’s location, this guys cool as hell. Plus he’s the only one with black hair. C/10 #16 Malus [Evis]

He’s just too big for one shot

Finally, the big boss. This is a great boss fight, it doesn’t take away from the grandeur of the previous bosses but he has a whole sense of scale not seen in any other battle yet, and half the battle is just getting to him never mind on him. Also holy moly is he aggressive from as soon as you get up the initial ramp just to see him he’s firing lightnin out of his hands and waving his kilt like a nutjob. He fits perfectly on the difficulty curve of the game and is an incredible end to an incredible game. 16/48

Final Say

That’s all i’ve got to say really, it took me about 5 hours to write this and if that dedication to this game doesn’t convince you to play it then... fair enough it’s not really much of a reason to play it. Although you definitely should, it’s an alright game.