thoughtswithsophie

[thoughtswithsophie]

Overture: Lift the Curtains

I have been writing these blog posts as multimodal ethnographic works for a class that I am taking, Performing Gender, to be more specific. I’ve been investigating the ways in which I have been routinely performing my gender, which has made me dive deeper into how my physical experience has been socially constructed. I have realized that my queer fat femme entity has been written by others' perceptions of and aspirations for me. I wish to continue to challenge the uncomfortable and dismantle influential voices that surround me, wishing to create their image of who Sophie is and/or should be, whether that'd be my grandmother, the random guy on the street who calls me fat when I ignore the cat calls or Howard Stern asking all "overweight" women to weigh themselves in the studio in exchange to see his penis. 

Regardless of the misogyny and fatphobia I continuously experience, I realize that I am not the only victim. One thing I have appreciated from a very young age is music. It has power because it speaks to me in a way where I feel the most understood. However, once critically analyzing music and coming across social media and data exposing its industry, I learned that it is a toxic scene in terms of white supremacist, male-dominant, heterosexual influences encouraging ideals and beauty norms to cater to their audiences. For instance, stories like the one of Susan Boyle, are very common. The judges on the X-Factor fat-shamed a 60 year-old woman and expressed some ageism as they were skeptical that she had what it took to be talented. She was overweight, and the judges were stuck on her appearance. As the shows went on, I saw her physical image increasingly conform to what record labels and the music industry believed was the image of a singer – hair and makeup done, stylist, new straight white teeth, she barely looked like herself anymore. 

Because of these socially constructed ideals perpetuated and reinforced through influential entertainment, it is continuously engrained in our minds as women and girls that we should stay within this ideal and not challenge it or else we will be unsuccessful, ugly troublemakers. This reminds me of Miley Cyrus’s 2010 Can’t be Tamed and 2012 short hair eras. She had been one of the most successful child stars of her generation and finally wanted to have some say and agency over the image she portrayed now that she was a young adult. She changed her image to fit more authentically with how she felt. This caused outrage because people saw a child actress completely changing her look, somehow separating from Hannah Montana and the innocent image of young Miley to now adapt to how she felt like embodying her femininity. This reaction was said to be because of the "killing" of an adored character when in reality, it was the reaction of a public that was losing control over how a woman chose to represent herself.

PS. I quickly scrolled through this article to look at Miley Cyrus's image trajectory and found the comments underneath each picture hilarious but frustrating how they are constantly infantilizing her. It is almost as if they are trying to keep her old memories more present than her new look as it would mean accepting a woman's change, agency, and independence. 

Although successful and talented, groups like the spice girls have been celebrating the ideal of choosing an identity and sticking to one specific characteristic. Their group was popular in the 90s for catchy songs, wild and humorous videos with a sense of togetherness and girl power, yet their image (hopefully unconsciously) promoted 1 specific and unique style without allowing change or fluidity in the representation of identity. These 5 group members each represented a ‘spice’ aka a persona – sporty spice, scary spice, baby spice, ginger spice, posh spice. These were all different. There was no crossover, and they had to stay as they were. 

In a promotional video (Tha Rock Goddess, 2007), the spice girls were asked to swap outfits and ‘act’ like a fellow sister in the group, so they could experience a few hours as another persona. Instead of embracing the differences when asked how they felt at the end of the video, they used uncomfortable, exhausting, and even painful as words to describe the few hours of having experienced different outfits and personalities. This can mirror how it feels to be designed in someone else’s eyes to fulfill how they’re going to love you; it strips you of yourself. Still, it also demonstrated how fluidity and diversity in embodied identity are expected to be limited. How difference is not embraced. 

This was a message for their audience, which was young impressionable girls. Telling them that different identities besides their own are bad, that exploring things outside of their comfort zone or what they had been taught to see of themselves was discouraged and even painful. You can imagine that as a young girl who was curvier than most being a witness and an audience of most of these artists and music industry ideals, I felt completely isolated, invisible, and disgusting. 

I wrote this next paragraph in my previous blog, Revealing: too much of me (2022) about how fat women's voices are constantly judged based on our already hated bodies,

"A society that excludes us from employment avenues and opportunities, hobbies, medical resources, and accessibility also holds an expectation of how we should physically behave and carry ourselves as fat women. Fatness is associated with laziness, an unmanaged body, and a lack of elegance. Our voice matters on an extreme end as we are taking up too much space. We have to avoid being ‘too’ loud, but we can’t be 'too' quiet either because then we're seen as insecure, and when this happens, comments are made about our bodies and how much better we would feel if we only lost 10 pounds. Our voice should be assertive, so people take us seriously, as society fails to see fat women as responsible and ambitious. So, must be assertive but can’t be too assertive because then we’re a fat woman taking up too much space AND being a bitch or a bully: […] Not only do we have to adjust how we react to or perform our identity around people because our existence makes society uncomfortable, but we are forced to contort ourselves into boxes that don't feel familiar to us."

Which is why I write this blog today on performing arts. This artistic outlet has provided me and many other fat women a platform where our voices were appreciated and asked to be confident (Schlichter, 2011). We are asked to be assertive in our roles and demanded to take up our space as the stage is ours. Since these are modes and outlets of expression for otherwise excluded identities to explore their being and unapologetically be embraced in this world, it helps understand the beauty and challenges people face as it portrays a lens into lived experiences and different possibilities. It allows individuals to experience the fluidity of embodiment and identity, which has helped me explore who I am. With a very specific target audience and by providing a space specifically catering to the presentation and uncovering different bodies, burlesque and performing arts have helped me discover the world and its diversity. Performing arts provide opportunities for people of all background and physical differences to embody new personas and develop new characters all while being confident in the body and voice they bring to the stage. For instance, it allows bigger bodies to appropriate new personas where the western world would have imagined it be performed by thin bodies. Pushing the boundaries of how or who should someone represent a character on stage, has allowed me to find my own voice and passionately love my curves, my queerness, and my femininity. 

Waawaate Fobister, for example, an amazing Anishinabek Two-Spirit artist, has been creating art to present his culture and let his people rise, as he would say (Ontario Arts Council, 2012; O'Hara, 2014; O'Hara, 2013). The two-spirit identity – housing both female and male spirits within – has historically been erased from dominant culture through colonial practices and ideologies of gender expression and embodiment. 

The idea that only two genders are opposite from each other has implemented a strict binary opposition to exclude and often erase anything outside of said accepted norm. The two-spirit identity has particularly received significant hate considering it is an Indigenous identity from a culture that was assimilated by white supremacy and euro-patriarchal norms. It is incredibly hard to reconnect and feel some familiarity with an important cultural identity that was erased, hence the importance of Fobister’s work. Not only is this an outlet of creative expression, but it allows one who holds prejudice to further look into and understand an identity differently placed than the ones expected in western culture. It allows for self-discovery, which is also used to connect the world to true depictions of two-spirit or what it can be for certain people, which helps contest stereotypes. 

Another work of ART that I have absolutely adored to watch repeatedly and wish that I could see in a theatre to feel the enhanced emotion of each character and sit with other folks who are passionately in love with this work is For Coloured Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf (TheeAdultSymphony Channel, 2017; Shange, 1975). This theatre piece holds a collection of 20 choreographed poetic monologues telling the story of seven racialized women who suffer racism and sexism. It touches upon stories of experiences common for most female beings living in a sexist and racist society going from love and empowerment to sexual assault, abortion, and other struggles. The fact that these characters are played by racialized women yet don't have a name or anything else identifying them other than a colour – blue, yellow, green, etc. – that has been assigned to them demonstrates intersectionality. Still, it also emphasizes the oppression they face rather than having said injustice be a reason or blamed on the character's identity. Although having been assigned different colours and experienced their identities differently, they share commonalities. This play demonstrates a bond, a type of sisterhood that these women experience through oppression. 

In the opening scene (Change, 1975; TheeAdultSymphony Channel, 2017, 00:02:32), the poetic monologue is about previous generations of 'coloured girls,' lady in yellow asks her daughter to “Imagine if we could get all of them to talk […] Imagine all the stories we could tell. Funny looking-coloured girls, and the sophisticated coloured girls, and the pretty little coloured girls. The ones just like you." She asks her daughter to imagine the possibilities of lived experiences before her existence and the diversity her ancestors embodied. She is not forcing an identity upon her daughter but rather embracing their complexity and inviting them to create an interwoven entity to embody with previously lived experiences, the knowledge and wisdom they bring, and their strength of having experienced sexism and racism in segregated societies. In this theatre piece, the characters continuously promote the singing of a specific song, as if it has been a tradition and is a way for their people to be seen and heard in society. “We got to dance to keep from crying, we got to dance to keep from dying.” (Change, 1975; TheeAdultSymphony Channel, 2017, 00:03:21). The characters repeat this over and over, and it is a beautiful lyric that explains their togetherness, their cultural passions, and their uniqueness have kept them in tune with themselves, and they must dance to keep from dying; making sure that their presence is known. While it holds many metaphors for racism and sexism, I feel it also relates to and mirrors how I feel about my fat feminine body. As a queer fat woman, I am always hesitating to take up space, but in performance, it is something you have to do. These creative outlets allow one to see things differently from a different perspective. Once I realized I had allies and soul sisters that looked like me, I knew I couldn't be ashamed of my physique anymore. The only way I would find appreciation was through collective embrace and unapologetically, publicly, and continuously being confident in my fat body. 

Similarly to Marsha Norman’s The Colour Purple (2005), Jessie Nelson’s The Waitress (2015), I could keep going and name Broadway musicals that have allowed me to see my size being represented, that have allowed me to dream of something bigger than the hate I experienced, these allow for the normalization of different identity presentations to be included in society. 

Moving on to another kind of artistic performance, Steven Antin’s film Burlesque has been my absolute favourite since its release in 2010. The subject matter may have been a little risqué for a 10-year-old, but I was dedicated to see the powerhouse and miss Cher collaborate in a film where women performed WHILE ALSO loving their bodies on stage. I wasn’t necessarily allowed to watch this movie based on its adult subject matter of sex and drugs, but it was more powerful than the explicit content. I obviously hadn't critically analyzed why I was so drawn to this movie (other than seeing the beautiful Christina Aguilera and Cher sing – I was still queer, let's keep that in mind), but now looking back, it was about how women were so comfortable to embrace their bodies, in fact, yes they were dancing, but it was less about their body and more about how their presence was appreciated on stage. Of course, still having internalized fatphobia through comments made by some of the male characters in the film, I didn't notice these comments so much because it was the first time that I had seen a film with powerful female leads owning their own business and rising to the top as women. When Christina Aguilera playing Ally, debuted her career as a performer in the show, the stage manager and those in charge of the performer's image allowed Ally to have full reign; to wear wigs for some shows rather than cutting her real hair; they encouraged her to perform her own songs. She was encouraged to develop an individualized voice through her performances. Or when one of Ally's coworkers didn't like her, her boss, Tess, decided to help her be recognized and rise despite others' negative opinions (Antin, 2010). This indicated that even though people may not like me based on where I didn't conform to Western society's ideals, I still had a chance to be loved by people who felt like me. I could be Ally with the help of Tess. I just needed to find my Tess. 

I have experienced discrimination and body image control from my high school music and performance teacher. He shamed me in front of the class multiple times. He even took me out of his classroom to speak to me about how my body just "simply doesn't fit the image he was going for," as he was explaining why he picked a thin girl to sing and perform at every event the school needed to attend. He became her manager at one point, and no one else mattered to him except her. Keep in mind this was high school. He coached and trained her because she was thin and fit the physical image of what he wished to represent as the ideal star. I had experienced extreme bullying and shame from this teacher, and it felt like I had no other option but to change schools. Although this terribly hurt me at the moment because, as a 14-year-old, I was already being told by teachers that I wasn't good enough, this new school was one of the best things that had happened to me. They let me have complete control of the events and competitions I wanted to do while even letting me put together my own "set lists." After experiencing such support, the last competition I attended significantly impacted my confidence as I was the only solo act, I had performed by myself for the first time, and was doing so in front of the previous music teacher. Here is a clip of my performance. 

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A post shared by Sophie Nadeau (@sophienadeau_)

I realize that my stage presence was not fully developed yet, but that doesn't matter. It was definitely a confidence boost, as I had always stood behind others to hide my body because I was ashamed of it. I didn't know how to fully show up, especially after being put down by adults in an environment where I should have been supported. 

As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, moving to Toronto has changed a lot of things for me, including my perception of myself and my body and how my insecurities were so common and even normal from internalized hatred of what we learn as children. This film led me to discover the REAL world of burlesque in the city. I remember my first time at a burlesque show; it was at Cherry Cola's Cabaret & Lounge downtown on Bathurst during one of their 'Sinful Sundays' nights. I remember being extremely nervous as I walked through the door in a crowded yet small venue with a variety of people (which at the time seemed a little scary and made me feel like I was at a vaudeville special because of the many costumes, the overtaking and interpretation of new characters and personas, and the exploration of new identities), I had no idea what to expect… The second a woman walked on stage and seductively threatened to spank every man that didn’t know her name, I knew I was in for an amazing time. Oh, you don't want to get spanked by this sexy, intimidating woman? What was her name, you ask? Dainty Smith. 

A human being with many talents, Smith, is the founder of the burlesque troupe Les Femmes Fatales: Women of Colour. It is the first burlesque troupe for Black women and women of colour, femmes, and gender non-conforming persons in the nation. Offering a space where all are invited to collaborate and contribute to the creation of beautiful art is allowing those who have experienced hatred for their appearance, where they come from, and their non-conformability to gendered western ideals. Without even knowing I was in the room and admiring her, this beautiful being allowed me to finally take up my space in the room and actively love other women’s curves without ignoring my own. Every performer I have since admired had a purpose and made me feel like I belonged. They weren’t shamed for how much fat their thighs held or how their stomach rolls looked, but they were glamorizing and romanticizing all women despite any insecurity we are told to have. I felt so much love. 

So, I tell you that in my experience, Broadway shows and burlesque have allowed me to find other people and connect through insecurities by showing them to the world, talking about them, and publicly loving them. I recognize that there is still a long way to go to dismantle and eradicate racism, sexism, misogyny, fatphobia, homophobia, and the list goes on, but I do believe that these platforms have had a significant and positive impact on my life as well as the way that I see myself. Actions speak louder than words. I hope my multimodal blog post has helped you understand what I have been talking about in terms of fat phobia and its influence on young girls' and women's lives. I hope people of all ages, genders, sizes, races, and religions stumble upon my page and realize that I adore them for their unique and complex beings. And that these creative outlets can be powerful for them if only they allow themselves to let people see them.

References

Antin, S. (Director). (2010). Burlesque [Film]. Screen Gems; Sony Pictures Releasing. 

Machin, J. (2022, April 15). Miley Cyrus’ Style Evolution is Everything: Check Out Her Most Iconic Looks Through the Years. Life & Style. https://www.lifeandstylemag.com/posts/miley-cyrus-style-transformation-over-the-years-see-photos/

Lorde, A. (1975). Chapter 5: The Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power. In Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches. 86-91. Crossing Press. https://uk.sagepub.com/sites/default/files/upm-binaries/11881_Chapter_5.pdf

Nadeau, S. [@Sophienadeau_]. 2018, March 10). Voici un clip de ma performance à Quand Ça Nous Chante 2018. Cette année a été incroyable, malheureusement ma dernière année mais … [of audiovisuals]. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/BgKXbHnnEd3/

Nadeau, S. (27 Oct 2022). Revealing: too much of me. Web blog post. Thoughtswithsophie. Tumblr.

O'Hara, J. E., Miguel, M., Monkman, K., & Fobister, W. (2014). Introduction. In Two-spirit acts: Queer indigenous performances. Playwrights Canada Press.

O’Hara, J. E. (2013). Up/Staging Two-Spirit Plays: Unsettling Sexuality and Gender [Degree of Doctor of Philosophy, York University]. Library and Archives Canada. ISBN: 978-0-499-00128-3 

Ontario Arts Council. (2012, Oct 23). Shapeshifters – Waawaate Fobister [Video]. YouTube. 

Schlichter, A. (2011). Do Voices Matter? Vocality, Materiality, Gender Performativity. In Body & Society, 17(1), 31-52. https://doi.org/10.1177/1357034X10394669 

Soliz, V. (2022, Oct 8). Howard Stern Demands Anna Nicole Smith Weigh Herself Live on Radio in Resurfaced Video From His Show. Your Tango. https://www.yourtango.com/entertainment/howard-stern-demands-anna-nicole-smith-weigh-herself-live-radio

Tha Rock Goddess. (2007, March 18). SpiceWorld – The Photoshoot [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkhB6lVPdNg

TheeAdultSymphony Channel. (2017, July 26). For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf (1982) Comedy, Drama, Romance [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LcdrN1psog

[thoughtswithsophie]

revealing: too much of me 

Society continuously reminds me how big my body is or how big it once was. How well I fill up my skinny boyfriend's sweatshirt that I took from his closet, it's cute that I thought it would fit. Or how much my fat is disturbing my neighbours on the plane when I swear, I'm contorting myself to only take up the space of my seat, but how dare I have only reserved one seat. Society will constantly bet on how long it will take me to gain all the weight I've lost or how greedy I am when they hear my stomach growl without knowing it's been 8 days since I ate my last apple. 

I constantly have to pay attention to how solid the chairs are in classrooms and conference rooms. I need to make sure that I sit near the door that is hopefully in the back, because God forbid I have to pee during class; I wouldn't want to interrupt everyone with my fat body. And gym class, she won the most flexible contest? She was probably lying. Did you see how fat she is? A therapist seems like a promising career for her, not too much physical activity. I'm sure she was bullied, so she can relate. Oh, a sex therapist? A sexologist? Wow, she is pretty for a fat girl. I've heard fat women are freaky. Poor girl is deprived. She can't get her own man, so she has to get a career in sexuality. It goes on and on and on… even our closest friends can behave as though these struggles are personal, not social (Dark & Aphramor, 2022). Fat phobia is so deeply entrenched in society that its perpetuation is normalized and even hoped for. You wouldn't want to dare embrace your fat body because you would be glorifying obesity. The shame of these comments and embedded hatred of fat bodies in society has lingering effects and are amplified based on the amount of non-conforming identities one holds, whether it'd be race or gender presentation. Fat bodies are categorized in limiting boxes that restrict behavioural norms of what we can and cannot accomplish. 

Not only is fatness dictating what one can do as a hobby or career, but so does race. White supremacy refuses to associate blackness with success. Lizzo, a successful fat black woman, is constantly bashed for her size and criticized as over the top. She is hyper-sexualized – as society does with black women. While most oppressed groups and white women experience a lack of inclusion due to size, class, disability, etc., comments of hate towards Lizzo majorly come from white men or boys. This could represent their fear of losing power and giving a platform to a fat black woman, which expresses fear of blackness and fatness. It is their tactic to repress in hopes of eliminating. 

Let’s look at Rachel Wiley’s piece, For Fat Girls Who Considered Starvation When Bulimia Wasn’t Enough (2015). She had dreamed of being a ballerina but constantly saw her body as too fat to accomplish this. Whether it had been said to her by her mother or society, Wiley purged herself in hopes of one day being small enough to become a dancer. This notion of needing to be a specific size to be entitled to roles such as dancers is socially constructed to keep fat bodies from getting positive attention. One's body size must remain thin, or else it isn't deserving to accomplish powerful things. Later, when she was told her perfect teeth – the only thing her mother said was perfect about her – would be damaged from purging, she starved herself as she had to find other ways to reach her goals. This very well-written piece portrays how eating disorders are normalized for fat bodies. It also demonstrates how fatphobia wishes to harm and inflict pain upon our bodies. It rather see us suffer than live in a society where bigger bodies are appreciated. 

Relationships with female members of my family have always been unhealthy and hard to maintain. In the previous post, I talked about my grandmother's wish to pay me for my weight loss. This was not a single event but rather my entire life. I know my time in Toronto has been successful when I get "complimented" on how my face looks skinnier when I return home. I, amongst many other fat girls, have very surfaced level relationships with thin parents. This expectation and admiration of slim bodies carry a lot of shame. Let's look at Khloé Kardashian; she comes from a very successful tight nit family. I am not saying she has a surfaced level relationship with her entourage, but they seem to focus immensely on body image, which correlates with a thin normative ideal. She was bigger than her sisters and was bullied for her body. She got plastic surgery to lose weight, and people still attacked her image, saying she didn't look like herself anymore.

These narratives damage fat women's sense of self; we are dammed if we do and dammed if we don’t. Our entire existence feels like it doesn't belong to us as we spend our life changing our body for our acceptance – a shell that contains our spirit but fails to be recognized as something temporary. 

Lucy Aphramor (2022) explains that she was educated as a dietician and found that it normalizes fatphobia as well as body shaming (p. 4). These structures idolize a white skinny and pure culture, alienating and assimilating anything outside their ideals. Body shaming culture is built on medical systems that evaluate the worth of bodies, also creating eating disorders. I remember I was 9 years old when I had my first appointment with a dietitian. A tall skinny blonde woman shamed me for having 3 meals a day with snacks in between. I absolutely adored salads, but she refused to believe me because the narrative says fat girls don't eat healthily. As the weeks and appointments added up, I developed an eating disorder, though I didn't know that was what was happening at the time. Either dissociating from my body and binging because if I disconnected, the shame wasn’t as painful, or not eating for days. I often didn't eat until my homework was done, and even then, I counted every calorie. This idea that women need to have a small frame as it is part of the feminine ideal bleeds into all areas of social resources. I have never experienced healthcare where my body size was not used to explain the pain and discomfort I was feeling during my visits. I have endured severe illnesses due to physical abuse and trauma but have been told to lose 10 pounds, and I would feel better every time I entered the emergency room and doctors’ offices. 

I want to speak of a part in Rheonna Nicole’s The Fat Girl (2016):

"Mama afraid her mini-me will be larger than life, so she make her play basketball

Scared she would fail 

Too late she already scoring triple-doubles

Black

Overweight

And female."

She relays the hardships that fat women experience in a normalized fat-phobic society while speaking as a Black woman also experiencing racism. Her mother was terribly afraid of her daughter's size, forcing her to play basketball which white supremacy labels as a black male sport as they hold labels of being wild and untameable. This is a stunning comparison to Black fatness as animalistic, feeding into dominant racist tropes about Black women and their dehumanization. I have briefly discussed the fetishization of fat bodies in a previous post, but Nicole (2016) speaks of her increased fetishization because she is Black. Colonial notions of Black female bodies oversexualize them while saying they are sexual deviants. She speaks to how her mother's lack of appreciation towards her body and fear of fatness represents her inherent failure as she represents 3 incredibly oppressed identities in society. 

I include blackness in this blog post, as Black cultures have helped me appreciate my body. As I mentioned in my first post, moving to Toronto was a cultural shock for me as a fat woman. This was the first time I had experienced life surrounded by people from different cultures, and the first time I realized my presence in classes, musical events, and art shows was appreciated. I was expected to show up as myself, a French, Queer, Fat, musically inclined woman – for the first time in my life, I had experienced acceptance of all these identities I represented. Again, recognizing I hold significant privilege for being white, this acceptance meant a lot after coming from a small, oppressive, conservative town. Despite their constant exclusion from society as the colonial ideology ignores all fat bodies, especially Black women’s bodies. They so kindly accepted me as they understood what it meant to be bigger, have curves and be sexualized in a patriarchal, fat-phobic society. Although Black men could still fetishize my fat white body, they appreciated me and saw me beyond the limits of my curves. I speak of these unique experiences as they have allowed me to immerse myself in an excluded culture; cultural dissociation made me feel more at home.

I want to bring in Annette Schlichter’s Do Voices Matter? (2011) in this conversation. A society that excludes us from employment avenues and opportunities, hobbies, medical resources, and accessibility also holds an expectation of how we should physically behave and carry ourselves as fat women. Fatness is associated with laziness, an unmanaged body, and a lack of elegance. Our voice matters on an extreme end as we are taking up too much space. We have to avoid being ‘too’ loud, but we can’t be 'too' quiet either because then we're seen as insecure, and when this happens, comments are made about our bodies and how much better we would feel if we only lost 10 pounds. Our voice should be assertive, so people take us seriously, as society fails to see fat women as responsible and ambitious. So, must be assertive but can’t be too assertive because then we’re a fat woman taking up too much space AND being a bitch or a bully: "Who does she think she is? She's fat; she should look at herself first before giving me attitude." Which involve stereotypes of the angry fat black woman, the sassy black woman with attitude, or the loud manly fat body of colour. As a fat white woman, I recognize that my race gives me the privilege, so I don't have to suffer racism. Not only do we have to adjust how we react to or perform our identity around people because our existence makes society uncomfortable, but we are forced to contort ourselves into boxes that don't feel familiar to us.

I want to be surrounded by people who understand and respect my experiences and existence. I want to be honoured as both fat AND beautiful, not beautiful for a fat person, nice for a fat person, quiet for a fat person, or in shape for a fat person. I learned that I showed up differently once I was no longer ashamed of myself. With the help of other beautiful, strong, independent, loving, intelligent, capable fat women, I have allowed myself to love my body as I strive to make patriarchal, white supremacist, fat-phobic, colonial systems uncomfortable with my presence. Us fat women need to unite in love and use our powerful voices, regardless of preconceived notions, to dismantle oppressive systems. I live to dismantle these structures by embracing my beautiful queer, fat, femme identity. 

Here are beautiful beings that show how fatness and femininity can be embodied in everyday life. From unapologetically being themselves and 'calling out' fatphobic, racist, and sexist comments to speaking and sharing their musical/artistic talents, embracing their interracial relationship publicly, and making content promoting fat power and confidence. 

Jess Kelley @Therealmrskelley 

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Vanessa Duchelle @Tresduchelle

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A post shared by DUCHELLE (@tresduchelle)

Simone Mariposa @simonemariposa

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A post shared by Simone 🌺🌻👑🦋 (@simonemariposa)

Dani DMC @Itsdanimc

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A post shared by 𝑫𝑨𝑵𝑰 𝑫𝑴𝑪 (@itsdanidmc)

References

Button Poetry. (2015, Nov 30). Rachel Wiley – For Fat Girls Who Considered Starvation When Bulimia Wasn’t Enough [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jw_NRdAdlio

DMC, D. [@itsdanidmc]. (2021, October 1). The woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet. ITS ME. IM HER. [Instagram photograph]. Retrieved from https://www.instagram.com/p/CUf9BNUvbj-/?utm_source=ig_embed&ig_rid=d3049c31-bd43-49e2-af08-fd25ce555a99

Dark, K., Aphramor, L. (2022). Fat Politics as a Constituent of Intersecting Intimacies. In Fat Studies: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Body Weight and Society, 11(3). DOI: https://doi.org/10.1080/21604851.2022.2045789

Duchelle, V. [@tresduchelle]. (2022, October 20). En plus d’avoir des nouveaux vêtements, comme cette chemise, @boutiques.clairefrance a aussi un nouveau compte Tik Tok (@boutiquesclairefrance) et le 24 octobre prochain, il y aura un tirage d’une carte-cadeau de 100$ parmi leurs abonné.es!! Perds pas de temps, abonne-toi. [Instagram Photograph]. Retrieved from https://www.instagram.com/p/Cj6faDarNGh/?utm_source=ig_embed&ig_rid=c6537e84-1efc-4eed-9d36-0fb69ec7aef4

Kelley, J. [@therealmrskelley]. (2021, October 6). Ok I need y’all to freak out about these dresses with me. This Target haul turned out so much better than I expected it to!! Which piece is your favorite?! [Instagram photograph]. Retrieved from https://www.instagram.com/p/CUsiJkXFedd/

Mariposa, S. [@simonemariposa]. (2021, November 2). The South is just too good to me. Spring 2022, I’ll be an ATL shawty for good [Instagram photograph]. Retrieved from https://www.instagram.com/p/CVy4_TIpnOH/?utm_source=ig_embed&ig_rid=ee042d21-241a-49e9-ac85-3eb95f7a7413

Schlichter, A. (2011). Do Voices Matter? Vocality, Materiality, Gender Performativity. In Body & Society, 17(1), 31-52. https://doi.org/10.1177/1357034X10394669 

Spencer, C. (2021, Aug 17). Music Star Lizzo Breaks Down Over Racist and Fat-Shaming Slurs. The Hill, Changing America.

Poetry Slam Inc. (2016, July 7). Women of the World Poetry Slam 2016 – Rheonna Nicole “The Fat Girl” [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RUt6-_hBpg

[thoughtswithsophie]

society's blindfold to my queer, femme, plus sized experience

And we are back! In this post I want to focus on the making of the queer fat femme identity and fat women's intersectional representation in the media and museums as damaging to the construction of fat women’s representation in mainstream society.

To be a fat queer femme in a culture that glorifies thinness, masculinity, and straightness (Taylor, 2018, p. 459) is a curse. My identity is constantly being renegotiated for me because it challenges dominant ideals of what a woman is supposed to represent. If I can’t change my gender or my queerness, I certainly must try changing my body size. My grandmother's absolute need for my thinness was excruciatingly painful. She had started putting me on diets when I was 9 years old and has continuously offered to give me money and double it for every pound I lost. 

In the queer world, "femme" "[…] has been posited as "an identity that encapsulates femininity that is embodied by those whose femininity is deemed culturally unsanctioned" (Taylor, 2018, p. 461). This identity is an expression of failed femininity according to the heteronormative ideals of embodied femininity. "Femme" invites one to embrace the oppressed identity. It is about doing femininity on one's own terms while avoiding mainstream weight and beauty standards as it critiques exclusionary norms of femininity. Many women I have encountered in Toronto, including myself, have undertaken this identity as a way of being accepted in their natural rebellion against norms. As much as this identity can be a revolution for fat queer women, it invites many critiques of the fat woman's acceptance since it lacks significant intersectional representation. 

As Wilchins (2002) examines in his work, "[…], we learn to become men and women and to be recognized as such by copying other examples." (p. 27). It is challenging to navigate a world with such strict expectations of gender performance for those who fall outside of the binary and have no accurate examples to copy. There is a lack of queer fat femmes in media, I'll be honest I've been searching for a mainstream representation to discuss in this blog. Still, I cannot find something that genuinely represents the fat queer femme identity as a lead role in a major production. The fat woman is seen as too big to be feminine and is thus masculinized. The narratives suggest that fat masculinities are privileged over fat femininities for queer women because larger body sizes are usually associated with hegemonic masculinity (Taylor, 2018, pp. 470-471). I've also experienced a lot of internalized hate regarding this; when I share my sexuality with women, I feel extreme pressure to conform to masculine traits as I am tall and usually the curviest of the two. This makes me highly uncomfortable because these traits don't feel familiar to me, but I haven’t had any accurate representation of myself in situations like these, so I try to navigate what society expects me to do as a fat woman while adding up what it expects me to do as a queer woman. It has led me to question my femininity and its authenticity because it is hard to identify who I truly am in a world without accurate representation or genuine acceptance as a fat queer femme. 

Let’s move on to Taylor (2018) as she speaks of the heightened levels of normative femininity that are otherwise demanded of fat women (p. 468). We are naturally outside the conforming bounds and must perform twice as much to be accepted. It is complicated and takes deep concentration for one to not only actively challenge dominant norms every day of their lives based on their natural identities but also be forced to perform twice as much to "[…] be left alone rather than oppressed." (Wilchins, 2002, p. 31). This has made me examine my experience in the public sphere. I remember being treated differently by customers if I didn’t have 2 pounds of makeup on my face and hairspray in my hair. As a fat woman, people only respect me if they see that I’m making an extreme effort to fit the ideal image of a respectable woman. I was lucky that shades of makeup were accurate to my skin tone and that I had access to these things. Living with a fat body would have been difficult if I didn't have access to legitimize my femininity.

Another prominent example of this need to perform twice as much as the ideal woman is the order to accept every man’s request for sex. I have often heard, "you’re fat. You can't be greedy. Take what you can get!". This way of thinking further reinforces the idea that fat women are not worthy of love and respect and should accept the bare minimum efforts even if she is not interested. There is no space for a personal opinion. I have also experienced my fair share of fetishization of my body. "I've never been with a fat bitch before, and I wanna know what it feels like." this has been a common thing that's been said to me. As a privileged white and able-bodied woman, I am lucky to have only experienced fetishization of my fat body and not of my fat, racialized, disabled body. I am aware that this violence is amplified when a woman holds additional intersecting identities.

Now let's turn to music and fashion as ways that perpetuate dominant narratives. I grew up singing in a choir to then entering music competitions, cabarets, as well as festivals and I always got compared to Adele. Adele is an incredible powerhouse and a beautiful woman, so I always accepted the compliment but never understood why I got compared to her until one day I decided to dig deeper; "Yes, Adele, a fat woman who sings well, see you can make it too!". Everything made sense – all fat people are the same right? It wasn’t until she lost a significant amount of weight that people stopped making these comments. I wasn't seen as Sophie but as a fat woman brave enough to sing in front of people. She experienced tremendous controversy when she publicly posted pictures of her new image; people were saddened by her weight loss. Here's an article in which she is cited talking about her experience in public after her transformation:

It shows how people critiqued her physique before listening to her voice and talent–Adele's visuality was being analyzed, which also determined her worth in the industry. But also, you want us to be thin, lose our fat and when we do you are disappointed???

Another significant example of body representation in mainstream media is fashion shows like the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. A big event celebrating fashion while putting a lot of importance on the models’ bodies. They are incredibly heteronormative based on the music performances included on the runway and the way the models interact with men while walking. Let's look at the interactions of the models and Bruno Mars, as well as listen to the lyrics of a song - about being in love and having had sex with a dream woman - that was used as they perform during the show in 2012...

The male gaze is heightened as they perform expected gender interactions while modelling lingerie. They are idealized as the perfect, sexiest, most admirable body type discrediting any other body outside of this norm while the audience worships them. There is no similar event for plus-size women to be worshiped publicly for their bodies. When a fat woman does walk in New York Fashion Week, for instance, they are admired for their bravery in showing their body. As if fat bodies are not just beautiful bodies as well. To put it simply, society views fatness as ugliness and tells fat women they are brave to show the world their ugliness. I have also realized that once I or any other fat femme embraces her body outside the private realm, she is understood to be making a statement of body positivity and activism when she is just confidently living in her body. 

Ashley Graham here on the runway for Addition Elle; a plus-size clothing brand event. The fat woman's body still has standards to meet as a plus-size model; she isn't considered beautiful unless her body promotes an hourglass shape.

A woman with a complicated social location based on the norm becomes the subject of critical investigation. They are oppressed based on their differences in a white patriarchal and ableist society, so they are made to feel small – society wants to erase them and promote their invisibility. Which often leads to a distorted sense of self and additional trauma. In this case, fatness and its social consequences are emphasized. Taylor examines the fat femme's (in)visibility on page 474 of her article; it is hard to assimilate fat women into a smaller size; therefore, everyone around her, including her, is hyperaware of her body. I connect with this deeply as I struggle with BPD and have been so scared of my size in terms of height and fatness. Trying to run from it, feeling like this body is not really mine. I've always felt like I was "too there." Everyone around me has tried so hard to change my body size while ignoring me as an individual. "You take up too much space," "everyone's looking at you," "sit like this or wear this. It'll make you look smaller”. 

It’s important to acknowledge that as women we experience our fatness differently based on our social location – such as age, race, [dis]ability, sexuality, and gender representation. The investigation of the body is experienced differently based on said identities. Multiple axes interlock to create oppression which, in this case, femme development, is shaped by these intersections. (Taylor, 2018, p. 476) Briefly speaking, in Black cultures, such as the African culture, wide hips, big breasts, and fat signify wealth, health, and fertile reproduction; therefore, fat women are cherished. However, for western ideals, the fat woman of colour is related to the identity of servitude, the mother figure (Taylor, 2018, p. 469). Although fatness on a woman is occasionally accepted when she is black, this is problematic as, again, it essentializes her identity to one's caretaker.

Here is Aunt Jemima, a plus-sized Black woman "ready to feed you and take care of you".

For instance, black women like Sara Baartman, with wide hips in white normative culture, became a subject to be investigated in a freak show as she defied norms of the typical white woman's body. She was displayed in a cage – often semi-naked – for people to examine and critique rather than as a human being.

When she passed, a naturalist, George Cuvier, "[…] obtained her remains from local police and dissected her body. […] [he] pickled her brain and genitals and placed them into jars which were placed on display at the Musée de l’Homme […] until 1974.” (South African History Online, n.d.). Not only did this language and investigation of her body emphasizes the idea that African bodies are objects of inferiority and difference, but it also perpetuates the oppression of the fat body as something to be deconstructed and displayed as "freakish ."Practices like these induce a medicalization of fat bodies, framing them as deviant and unhealthy when, in reality, health is not synonymous with fatness.

Well this is it for me, I find it crucial that we deconstruct identities and examine how intersectionality increasingly affects representations and experiences in queer fat femme's lives. The masculinization of my body and constant renegotiation of my identity based on other people's opinion is exhausting. The lack of my representation in mainstream society works against my progress and the formation of my being.

Talk soon!

References

cqs4gq23y4qwha54. (2012, December 8). Bruno Mars – Locked Out of Heaven 2012 (VS Calendar Girls scene) [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkHT1kW0Pu4

Reslen, E. (2021, October 7). Adele ‘f-king disappointed’ by women’s comments about her weight loss. Page Six. https://pagesix.com/2021/10/07/adele-disappointed-by-womens-comments-about-weight-loss/

South African History Online. (n.d). Sara “Saartjie” Baartman. https://www.sahistory.org.za/people/sara-saartjie-baartman

Taylor, A. (2018). “Fabulously” Femme: Queer Fat Femme Women’s Identities and Experiences. Journal of Lesbian Studies, 22(4), 459-481. https://doi.org/10.1080/10894160.2018.1449503

Wilchins, R. (2002). It’s Your Gender, Stupid! In Nestle, J., Howell, C., & Wilchins, R. Anne (Eds.), GenderQueer: Voices from Beyond the Sexual Binary (pp. 23-32). Alyson Books. 

[thoughtswithsophie]

a plus sized blindfold to my gendered experience

When I initially asked my partner these questions before starting the writing process for this autoethnography, he told me he didn't really know what I should write. It was as simple as "You dress like a female, speak like a female, and have the emotions of a female." What am I supposed to make out of that? When I asked him to clarify all of these things, he didn't know what to say; this reminds me of how I felt when I first moved to Toronto and faced my identity crisis. Where do I start?

Growing up in a small conservative town in Northern Ontario with no diversity, I had to shape my personality and performance of self around what was acceptable for girls in our society. That meant having a slim figure with just enough curves and boobs; not too much, having blond hair and straight teeth to attract the boys. It was a horrible situation; for one, these expectations were incredibly heteronormative, and although I didn't know the terms at the time, I knew this wasn't right. I didn't want to be forced to like anyone, and to be honest, I didn't like any of the boys at my school because they were mean, and now, I understand they were trying to conform to the desired representation of masculinity.

The generations of women that come before me all had beautiful curves, there was no way for me to conform to the idealized slim body that was so important at the time. I often focused on hiding my fatness before considering my gender identity. So, I kept quiet to be left alone. Coming to the big city was a cultural shock. If you constantly box yourself in and conform to what people tell you to conform to – that ends up being all you know and are familiar with, whether you like it or not. Going back home is traumatic for me because after breaking out of this identity and honestly still searching for parts of myself – it’s hard having to force myself back into a shell that doesn’t feel like me.  

I grew up loving the film The Little Mermaid by Walt Disney (1989), and now I realize how damaging Walt Disney films are for children. They impose gender, sexuality, and race norms among people without them even realizing it. When you’re young, you watch things because you like them, music, visuals – but you don't understand what they represent. Although you don't know what they’re doing on a more extensive level, what is being represented is entering your subconscious, which then differentiates norms of what you should desire and portray according to your gender. This film recreates western standards of beauty while ignoring intersectionality - black skin, curly hair, plus size women, lower class, etc. It also conveys that women need men to take the lead and that women's voices don't matter as much, if not at all. She gives her voice to the sea, and in return, she sees the human prince she likes. She is surrounded by men, and the only other woman included as a significant character is Ursula – a fat, angry, dangerous woman of color. This suggests that one shouldn't have female voices coaching them through life because it could end horribly; they aren't important enough to be heard and valued. Don’t get me started on the ‘angry Black woman’ narrative.

Going back to Ursula (Clements, Musker & Ashman, 1989) there is a significant lack of representation of fat women on tv as leads. This was particularly hard growing up because I was repeatedly told that girls need to be small, and if there is no representation of them anywhere, it is because they are the problem. Fat women are told we are not worthy, big, or beautiful; we can’t be both. Fat women are often shown as the funny best friend, the mean girl, or used to portray the opposite of a favourable and respectable identity. I came across a song during the pandemic that I absolutely adore and honestly so beautifully says how I have experienced my life so far when it comes to my size: Fat Funny Friend by Maddie Zahm (2022).

The gender binary is very strict and has always been one or the other for me. I have realized that I sometimes connect more with an androgynous presentation of gender, but I don't know where to start or how to present myself. I was always told to act like a girl, put on dresses, wear feminine clothing, jewelry, and makeup, do my hair, sit with legs crossed, and the gifts I was given were always pink or purple. We rarely question the dominant narrative because we feel we're not allowed to do so. I was encouraged to start babysitting at 11 years old because a woman's destiny lies with raising children. Nevertheless, although these were things ingrained in me, my parents have always encouraged me to be an independent girl/woman and not rely on anyone to fulfill my needs - fixing my own car, mowing the lawn, traveling alone.

One thing I have learned about myself from moving here is that my presence on social media and my expression through my art consists of expressing a 'femme fatal,' an elegant, mysterious woman who is constantly embracing female sexuality in a safe and consenting environment. Our sexuality as women has been taken away; my purpose is to take it back and own it. I admire burlesque performance for allowing me to play with and almost make fun of dominant narratives, hyper-sexualization, and femininity while practicing dark feminine energy. I want to be what men warned society about regarding female sexuality in historical contexts.

Some women that I have studied and admired that have helped me find my identity as a sexually productive woman are Mary Magdalene; for being open about her sexuality with Jesus. She was made out to be this disgusting ‘prostitute’ when she was only a girl who was most likely exploring a sexual, maybe romantic, relationship with Jesus. It shows how women's sexuality was incredibly threatening to men. Cher is another strong woman I look up to as she has made it clear that women don't need men to succeed and deserve to be seen as capable and adequate individuals. Finally, Frida Khalo has been incredibly inspiring. She was so angry with patriarchal societies that she threatened to cut up women in some of her paintings. she represented multiple images that woman's voices were important too. She has deconstructed beauty norms by making beautiful art that normalized body hair on women. These women have a lot to offer in deconstructing what gender means and how the female gender is perceived. We are as capable as men and should have agency over how we choose to present ourselves and perform our gender.

Although by body size was a blindfold for my gender identity, I now have the time and confidence to accept my beautiful body and to explore/deconstruct what my womanhood means and how it was built. That's it for me for now; I'm thinking of sending this to my partner and seeing how I can help deconstruct ideas of female/girlhood/womanhood vs. male/boyhood/manhood to people in my life.

I hope you do the same with the people who surround you. We'll talk again soon.

Sophie Nadeau

References

Clements, R. (Director), & Musker, J. (Director/Producer), & Ashman, H. (Producer). (1989). The Little Mermaid [Motion picture]. United States: Walt Disney Pictures. 

Zahm, M. (2022, February 2). Maddie Zahm Fat Funny Friend (Official Lyric Video [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/dD1hnhjxFDQ