thoughtsintheether

[thoughtsintheether]

I've been thinking about the term "have to". I hear it a lot. I have to do something. I can't do this, I have to do this other thing. Obligation. Requirement. Lack of choice. This are the things implied by the phrase but are they true? Do you have to?

If I look at things objectively the idea that I have to do anything doesnt really hold up. Everything you do, action you take, sentence you say, is really a choice. Hiw much control you have over these choices is debatable in the confines of the debate of free will vs predestination but with the assumption of free will the very idea of "having to" do anything doesn't hold up.

If you want to be honest with yourself then the real term you should use is "I have to if...".

You might ask how is this more honest or all that different? All you did was add the word if. Exactly. That word if makes something clear. You dont have to do whatever the task is. You have to do that thing if you want to avoid a perceived negative consequence in the event you do not do the task.

That's really the point. You dont have to do anything. Anything. Ever. As long as you are willing to accept any eventual negative outcomes for choosing not to.

Simple.

You are only obligated to do something that you are not willing to face negative repercussions for. And that is a self-obligatuon. A choice.

Perhaps you need an example.

Let's use a s simple one that most people encounter. School work. You have been given an assignment and a due date. You have been told that you must accomplish this task by this date and if you fail to do so it will result in a failure of the task. You have to. You must. But do you really?

That comes down to choice. You know the task. You know the due date. You know the consequences. So now is the choice. You can tell yourself that you "have to" do this task and to a certain extent that's true but only up to the "if". If you dont want to fail than you have to do it. If you dont care about failing then the situation changes.

If you dont care about the negative consequences of not accomplishing the task then the "have to" falls away. Which would mean that the have was really a want all along. A want to not get in trouble, be punished or reprimanded. I have to do this thing IF I dont want the bad thing to happen.

So there is your self-honesty for the day. Be open with yourself about your motivations. Dont pretend like you dont have a choice in the direction of your life. You can do whatever you want, or at least whatever you are willing to accept the consequences for.

[thoughtsintheether]

Fear of Failure

I have lived the majority of my life in a cloud of fear. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of people finding out I'm not that smart. Fear of failing. That's my big one. Afraid of failing. I can't tell you how many things I simply haven't attempted because I was to afraid that I would fail.

We are all kind taught that our lives are these special, important things from a very young age. Everyone is always pushing this idea that everything is very important and the decisions you make will have these long lasting consequences and you better think about what you are doing. So I find myself often paralyzed by indecision. Convinced that if I make the wrong choice I am going to destroy my life.

Fear.

Fear by design.

I have begun to suspect that the fear of failure, of looking bad, of embarrassment, is a purposely integrated factor of our every day lives.

Now the idea of fear as control is no new concept. Nature has been using fear as a survival trait since pretty early on. Probably right after the first living organism consumed another living organism.

I'm getting distracted. My mind follows winding pathes. Points get lost in the mist. If there ever was one.

I guess what got me started on this thought process was a comment from someone. They said something about contemplating how much time they had wasted and I started thinking about the idea of wasted time.

If one is to waste time then we have to assume that time is something finite. We know that is true for the bodies that we inhabit but without a clear understanding of our own existence then it becomes harder to determine. If I am this body and I end when it does then you have a clear concept of the limitedness of time but if, as many believe, there is some kind of after life than the concept of how much time is available to us becomes less clear. Indeed, if we are immortal beings of energy like most religions teach than we unlimited time and thus, it can't really be wasted.

Another thing to take into consideration is purpose. To waste something it must have A purpose different from what you used it for. Therefore to waste time that time must have a purpose.

I find this particularly interesting as it requires one to consider the idea the very meaning of your life. If you can waste your time then there must be an ultimate goal you are supposed to be using that time to work towards.

So is there some kind of ultimate goal? Is there a bigger purpose to this existence? Who knows?

If there is than the danger of wasting time is real. If there is a goal and a timeline then that feeling of wasting time, of having something else to do that eats at you is valid but without any solid idea of what that ultimate goal is than all of your time is wasted. How can you ever meet a goal that you dont know other than accidentally?

The other side of this is that there is no goal. No purpose. We are all just here and it's all random and arbitrary. Nothing really means anything and there is no reason to our existence. Therefore your time has no purpose. No meaning. So it can't be wasted. What you do has no meaning so it doesn't really matter what you do.

Now most people recoil at that thought. The very idea of a pointless existence is terrifying. Why? I assume it comes back to fear. If this life has no purpose and there is no meaning and there is no afterlife then every moment of your life is just a tick towards that moment when you will cease to exist. Not move on to another realm or cross over into a bright light. Just stop. Stop thinking, stop feeling, stop growing, stop breathing. It's just a hard stop. And that can be terrifying.

But I think that idea can also be beautiful.

Like I said at the beginning of this I have lived a life of fear. But I've lived that life because it was taught to me. It was taught to me by my parents. It was taught to me by my environment. It was taught to me by my DNA.

Engrained into our being is survival and fear is part of that. Fear makes you run from danger. Fear stops you from walking into fire. Fear can keep you alive.

Fear can also keep you from trying new things. From telling people what you feel. From growing as a person.

I've let that last one happen more than I admit. I worry sometimes that I've held myself back because I was afraid of leaving people behind, or being judged for trying to be something else.

It's also that fear that can keep you in your place. You go to your job every day, most of us hating it every step of the way. Why do we do it? Whether you want to admit it or not its fear that keeps you going through that door every day. Fear of not having food and shelter not to mention all the other comforts of this modern life.

And so for the most part it often seems like we are pushed through this world nervous and afraid, trying desperately to do the right things to survive. Hoping to find our way to eternity.

I'm tired of it. Tired of feeling afraid all the time. Tired of agonizing over every decision as though the consequences will somehow be earth shattering.

So I'm going to try to not worry about wasting time. If there is a point I dont know it and I'm not going to spend my time guessing at a goal that may not even exist. I am going to try new things and not give a shit if a fail. I'm going to dance in public and not care of people laugh or think I'm an idiot. Becuase maybe it all doesn't matter. Maybe this is it and in a hundred years no one will even remember I existed and all these fears and worries and concerns are just another pointless electrical impulse that means nothing. And maybe that's a good thing.

Will I be able to let go of all these things? Probably not but that doesnt mean I'm not going to try. Imagine how much lighter you would feel of you could let go of half the shit you're holding onto.

I'm not even going to proof read this and (hopefully) not obsess about it.

[thoughtsintheether]

Random thoughts on being:1

I've been thinking more about what constitutes "me". Am I the entirety of my physical body? Sometimes that concept doesnt seem to fit. If I am composed of billions of living cells how "they" also be "me"?

Each cell in my body grows and splits and dies and is replaced by a new cell that goes through the same process. Yet "I" remain.

At least that idea of "me". My personality, thoughts, feelings, quirks, and oddities that comprise the very idea of "me" remains as each cell dies and is replaced the core that I recognize as "me" seems to stay intact. So does that mean my body isn't "me"?

I suppose the easiest representation of this is the idea of a soul. A separate entity that inhabits the body like some kind of parasite. Although you don't typically hear the soul referred to as a parasite but then again the idea of the soul is a just a term for simplification of something we dont really understand. Much as Gods throughout time were simply the embodiment of concepts we simply didn't understand at the time.

It's hard to consider the idea of self without roping religion into the conversation since for most people the two go hand in hand. I exist because a divine creator made me. But why? For what purpose? And if I am a created thing than what part of this is me?

Maybe what is the actual "me" in this body is simply the electrical current running through it. Electrons running between synapses is the brain, traveling through the nervous system giving commands to the body. I dont know. My mind is starting to wander.

[thoughtsintheether]

What am I doing

I think a lot. About random things. As I sit or work or watch TV or play a video game or whatever I find myself doing my mind is always divided. Always spinning off in a random direction or down some random path. Up until now if have only really spoken to my wife about these thoughts and a couple friends but they always look at me like a weirdo so maybe I need another outlet.

Please understand that this is some kind of manifesto or (hopefully) the ravings of a mad man but I suppose that last one can't be ruled out. This also isn't any kind of call for action or start of a movement or anything like that. This site is just a box. A box for me to put the random thoughts and ideas that clutter up my head so I dont harasses the people I love with it.

I truly believe that this page will go unnoticed and unread. I have no plans to promote it or use hashtags or whatever. This will just exist and maybe one day someone will stumble upon it and read something that will make them feel good. Maybe someone much smarter than me will get some kind of idea from my stupid ramblings that might do some good. I dont know. Maybe it will sit on a Tumbler sever until Tumbler shuts down and the only person who will ever see this is me. However it turns out, that's ok.

I just know that one day I will be gone and with me all these random thoughts and ideas that that burst into my mind and then flutter away so maybe I'll write them down and it will do some good. Maybe it's just another way to pass the time until that day comes. Ultimately that's we are all doing anyway.