thoughtsemotionsandlife

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#35

Back again.

I’ve gotten better. Really I have. I recognise my on toxic behaviour, and with each passing year I grow wiser to my self.

I don’t trust her.

I do thinks and say things I don’t mean, I don’t really feel. I lie to try and fit in and then I alienate people so I don’t get hurt.

I was in a relationship with a girl that didn’t work, we were both trying to force it, but she was cruel and didn’t take accountability for her own actions, and I wasn’t honest, selfish.

Now I have him. We work. We’re a team against life, against struggles. We support each other, we don’t fight, we don’t scream. We talk and feel and love. I thought he was it. “The one”. But lately I’ve been feeling like I’m settling, like he’s good enough but we’re missing the passion.

We got drunk at a party and he told me that he might want more. He‘s been having thoughts that there might be something better. I know he could be right but I don’t need perfect if I have him.

he makes me want to do better, be better. Thrive and he supports me in anything I want. Now I’m worried that I rushed things and now he’s pulling away. What do I do?

After an unstable couple of weeks with work and money, I thought he was the one constant thing in my life, my support. And now it’s all crumbling around me.

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#34

What a massive few years.

I got a boyfriend who ended up being a lazy, uncaring loser with a crazy controlling family.

He was someone who the first time I saw him I was like 'Wow, I feel sorry for the woman who ends up with him, that's a face only a mother could love"

And then I was the poor person that ended up suck with him for 18 Months.

He wore a jacket covered in dog hair all the time, barely ever showered, was 25 and had never had a job. I know, what a catch!

So there are some things that I realised once we broke up (as so often does in these situations. Hindsight and whatnot)

Every gift bar one or two were gifts he had found around his house and given to me. A used picnic basket his mum had, a ring he had brought for himself that didn't fit him, and a bracelet that he literally saw a guy in a bar throwing out.

Like I don't want someone to spend heaps of money on me, but it's the thought that counts and if the thought is "Oh, this is a piece of jewlery that I found in the trash at a bar and has been sitting in my draw for a year, I'll give it to my girlfriend for christmas"

By the way, at my lowest low point I had $5 in my bank account so I collected a bunch of jewlery and drove 30 minutes to get to the closest cash converters. The bracelet and ring were a part of that haul and the guy said it was worth 16 cents. So naturally I cried myself home.

When I bought him a personalised engraved watch because I knew his had broken, he got me a trash bracelet...

Not only did he not care about his presentation, he also had a warped view on how to treat other people.

I wanted to get indian for dinner and as he didn't eat anything he couldn't get in a drive thru he decided that he could get Mcdonalds and sit in the Indian restaurant and eat fucking chicken nuggets.

AND then had the audacity to have a go at me because I had "Weird social hangups" because I thought that was extremely unappropriate.

I should have broken up with him then!

The funny thing is, he wasn't nearly the worst part. His family was.

His Mother was rude and overly oppininated. His dad was aggresive and smoked inside.

But his sister was the worst of all.

Rude, aggresive, and a living in a warped sense of her own reality.

Threatened that she knew cops that could get people beat up.

I mentioned I didn't want to be in school and I prefered working and she took that to mean that I thought people who study are stupid and I was attaking her choices.

She got angry and stormed out of the house when I defended myself after see gave her unwanted oppinion.

and got my boyfriend a stripper for his birthday, knowing I would be uncomfortable with it.

The worst of all is that she deleted me on facebook and refused to explain why for months saying "if you have to ask you obviously think you have done nothing wrong"

This girl was 28! Like she was an adult who acted like a fucking 13 Year old.

Anyway this was at the start of the year and it still pisses me off and it's been really weighing on my mind so I'm back here.

Back where I didn't want to be, because this is a place I use to clear my mind of the worry.

I thought I was better. It feels bad to go back but if this is what I need to get better I will.

Lately I've been having bad days and good days. Work is getting busy, I'm going to be working 6 days a week and my boss is taking 4 weeks off during the busy season which gives me no opportunity to take a break.

I'm not enjoying the dog walking anymore, but luckily I have only one week left with one girl.

And money is running low. I get $1,000 in my account and then my car breaks down or my phone breaks so I can't save anything and I fall further and further behind.

I am stuck in this vicious cycle of not being able to get out. I just want to be able to catch a break. I want to save for a house.

I want to save for my future.

The world is not letting me at the moment.

Oh and I tried to book into a Psychologist to talk about all the problems I'm having but they can't get me in until Janurary. Just my luck.

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#33

I went on a course of anti-depressants yesterday. I spent all day yesterday feeling tearing up, or feeling like I’m going to cry, or actually crying. I spent all day today feeling like I’m going to vomit.

I have had a habit of being the girl who gets a friend and lies to be liked.  I did what I needed to to get attention, to become closer to people.

I had a friend who might be trans? I want to wear a binder. I had a friend who liked Anime? Guess who loves anime.

I’ve always been like that. Trying to fit in. But now I’ve found people. I’ve just been my awful, depressed, needy, self-loathing me and they love me anyway. I haven’t had to lie to them. I’ve been more honest with them than I ever have with myself.

And the friend I liked? It’s not like that, I had a moment of clarity, where I realised love him but as a brother, not a partner.

He is my family. 

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#32

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I realised I couldn’t handle a relationship with “Mr. Divorcee Father” because he came on too strong and it freaked me out. I also realised I wanted my new friend. I want him. I look at him sometimes and I’m just like “He’s just a guy, but a close friend” and other times I look at him and I’m like “Fuck me right here, right now”. He’s funny, smart, caring, silly and sometimes a complete fool. He’s also got a Girlfriend who he says he’s falling for.

And He’s in love with someone else.

But when I cry, he hugs me. He hugs me like I mean something to him. He lets me cry on his shirt, and makes me laugh. He listens to me, and he gets it. He’s my closest friend, and I may be his.

But sometimes I cry because I feel stupid for liking him more then I should. 

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#31

I’m back. I had a good day today, I was kind of happy. In a good mood. Why? Because a guy, 12 years my senior, who has a child and is going through a separation with his wife is flirting with me. He asked me to go for a drink, talking about sex and spending time together.

Teasing me and then bringing up the fact that he’s in a “hard situation”.

I know he just wants a cheap lay and I’m just a rebound and I’m ok with that. 

But I don’t know if I’ll get attached like I usually do.

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#30

So I made a friend. He’s such a lovely person. We have too much in common it’s scary. I like his company and I enjoy talking to him, often late into the night. He gets me. Sometimes I like him more than a friend. He has a girlfriend.

He called me at 2:00 this morning because he was bored and wanted a chat.

He then asked me to do him a favour. It’s a big ask and I’m not against doing it but it does put me out and ruin plans I had for tomorrow. I feel like I would jump through hoops for him. I don’t know if he would do the same. I feel like I’m his lap dog, I’m there when he needs me but I can easily be ignored if something else more important comes along.

But I’m going to do him this favour. Not because I’m nice, not out of the kindness of my heart, but because with no job and no future I feel like he’s the only thing holding me together at the moment.

I know I have other friends, and I love them dearly, but with him it’s different.

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#29

I’ve not been doing very well at all. Irrational actions, massive mood swings, taking things too far. I feel like I’m being too mean. I don’t want people to hate me or spite me. I love the people I work with and I want this job forever but I think some of my friends might start to hate me. I’m taking my pills. I was on them for a week and then thought I would have an easy day and then one problem turned into another and I was blind with rage over the silliest things so I’m going on them until I run out especially at my office job. I’m loosing motivation very quickly. I don’t want to go back but I’m committed for another few weeks and then what? I have no life, no purpose, no career, an ambition. What am I even doing?

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#28

Just got back from my trip to New Zealand.

I met a guy, he was sweet and funny and kind and understanding and a total whore.

I still talk to him via facebook. I know nothing will come out of it but it’s nice to have someone to talk who shares the same tastes in movies and women.

I found out that I’m a pathological liar on my trip. I told people that I tried to commit suicide, that I have dyslexia (which I’m pretty sure I do but I’ve never been tested for it). I even told people that I have a cousin who has cancer.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I just tell the truth? No one cares about my stupid, unbelievable lies but I still tell them.

Why? For pity or attention from these horny selfish assholes who I’m never going to see again? How pathetic is that.

I wish I could be honest but the lies just come. I’m really worried that if I ever start a relationship with someone that I will start it off with ridiculous lies that could potentially ruin everything. I need some serious help.

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#27

I've been having a few good days lately, I've been reasonably happy  and today I met a girl. She's smart and beautiful and so sweet and I'm not sure if she's Gay or not but she's someone I'd like as a friend either way. I'm loving work, home life could be better but that's not going to change anytime soon and I'll get used to it. My friends are being really nice and I'm just feeling a lot better about life.

I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up.

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#26

The only thing I want out of a relationship, I want one of my sexual partners to make me breakfast in the morning.  I want to wake up to someone making me french toast and yogurt or scrambled eggs or a cheese toastie. I want someone to make me breakfast even though I don't usually eat breakfast and this is not a defining factor that who I sleep with is a good person or even cares about me. But holy fuck, if someone makes me pancakes after sex I'm going to marry them.

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#25

I want this just to be a bad week.. Or month. I really hope I'm not slipping. I was so happy. I have been clean for a year and a half and I don't want to start again now. I just need to get out of this place.

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#24

I can feel myself slipping. What do I do?

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#23

I feel the overwhelming urge to cut myself.

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#22

I will get over you. I don't blame you at all, I'm your Gay Best Friend and now I like you? Yeah that doesn't make sense.

I am glad you're still my friend and I would die if I lost you. I love you.

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#21

So you friend zoned me.

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#20

So your internet was crappy last night therefore tonight will be the night I tell you...

I just hope you don't take it too badly...

[thoughtsemotionsandlife]

#19

I need to tell you how I feel. I've been trying to think of a scenario where I can work it into the conversation.

I haven't been able to eat for two days and I'm having trouble sleeping.

It's time.