thoughtsdonmatter

[thoughtsdonmatter]

survival entry n°4

i think its time. its time to save myself and love myself. i think its the perfect time. there is nobody coming to save me.

[thoughtsdonmatter]

survival entry n°3:

i guess i am just difficult,

i think eventually my ranting here will fix this.

i really think sometimes there's something that i am missing...

[thoughtsdonmatter]

survival entry n°2:

why did i hold on to it for so loong? even though it was breaking me, making me unhappy, i still hold on to it, like a kid grabbing his mother's hand, i never want to let it go. even when it completely obilerated me, i reassured and apologized.

why? why did i hold on to something that was dying to let me go. why did i chose something over and over again when it constantly tried to reject me. why? why did i fight over this relationship when all it cost me is my own life? why.

[thoughtsdonmatter]

survival entry n°1:

couldn't. tried to initiate to communicate with her. i failed today. i thought things would get easier, but here i am.

god, i hope this pain feels lighter, this grief feels bearable.

[thoughtsdonmatter]

[thoughtsdonmatter]

entry eight:

in the desperate attempts of trying to make you love me, i realised i lost the love i had in me.

[thoughtsdonmatter]

entry seven:

i guess i now understand the difference between me and myself.

one needs love, the other wants pain.

through the rollercoaster of emotions, i have mistaken love for pain, and pain for love. i've become numb now. confused to feel, lost to identify which is which.

[thoughtsdonmatter]

entry six:

lately i have had the realisation, if there is someone who would one day randomly show up in your life, shower you with so much love and compassion, so much grace and understanding, patience and genuinely care about you. it's you.

[thoughtsdonmatter]

I hope western leftists know that standing for a free Palestine is not the end of decolonization. I've seen far too many white leftists who proudly stand for freeing Palestine which is good but then get nervous and apprehensive at the idea of decolonizing the very land they are on. Norway will recognize Palestine but actively tear down Sámi liberation. Liberation for one people means it for us all. If you support Palestinian liberation but deny it for the Indigenous people of the land you're on then you didn't stand for Palestinians or any of us to begin with.

[thoughtsdonmatter]

entry five:

today, you called.

you told me to wait for a while, you'll come back and address the situation. it'll get better this time, you promised again. so tell me, will we ever escape this loop? or are we stuck with you abandoning me when i need you the most?

[thoughtsdonmatter]

entry four:

you said once how you could never leave me, you would always love me. and if there is a day without me you'll be the one who is a shell of a person. but,

why is it me who's hating every time my heart beats, why is it me who is losing sleep and finding solace in the ashes of the cigarettes i smoke. why is it me who is ticking like a bomb, anytime to explode.

someone get me out of this. let me explode and perish. let me stop existing.

i am a shell now, broken and empty, hoping you would turn back to me and hold me. why do i still hope? does this feeling ever go away, or would i be still stuck in this endless loop of me trying to unalive myself just because you stopped caring?

[thoughtsdonmatter]

entry three:

being vulnerable is healthy, they all say. until the people you rely on, turn on you and blame for being vulnerable.

[thoughtsdonmatter]

entry two:

the curse of being a giver has slowly turned me into a hopeless romantic. when is it my turn to be loved?

[thoughtsdonmatter]

[thoughtsdonmatter]

entry one:

i have forgotten the last time i was truly loved.

i'm tired, exhausted. how long must i hold on? why am i the only one holding on? how long should i plead and beg for her to stay, i got no clue.

to be in a relationship and to feel lonely and hopeless is one of the hardest things ever. to be hurt and in pain consequently is tiring. people say communication is key, and when i communicated my pain, she stopped me, laughed and asked me whether i was a kid. why is it hard to be vulnerable. why do i still hope that i can rely on someone.

[thoughtsdonmatter]

when i was going through my hardest phase in my life, i kept listening to Happy by NF repeatedly, and there is this one line that kind of stuck with me that really resonated,

.. i'm too proud to open up and ask ya, to pick me up and pull me out this hole i'm trapped in. the truth is, i need help, but i just can't imagine who i'd be, if i was happy.

and for a long time i realised, it's not because i was hesitant to ask for help, it's because i have created an identity out of my own misery and pain, and to let go of it was the difficult part. to be happy was the hardest part that i didn't know how.

[thoughtsdonmatter]

So much of what is “cringe” is just… earnest.