thoughtbundle

[thoughtbundle]

I hate the fact that you can’t see when someone is into you.

It sounds weird - I know.

Like I don’t trust that you have the ability to say “no” if a situation ever comes to that, but it’s so much more. So just.. Let me explain.

One of the reasons I fell in love with you, was because of how open, inviting and kind you are to everyone you meet. You don’t discriminate. You don’t shy away from new people or new experiences. You don’t close yourself off to the possibility of anything new. I fell in love with you partly for that, and even now, I still love you for it.

But people that don’t know you, even people that just don’t know you well, don’t know that you approach everyone like that. They don’t know that their appearence doesn’t matter. Their vibe or energy doesn’t matter. Their gender doesn’t matter. And this means one thing.

Every single girl that has ever found you attractive takes that kindness and interprets it as flirtation. They see themselves as an object of your kindness, and not you as simply being kind. They don’t see that your affection is towards the world and people in general, not just them specifically.

I know you tell them that you have a girlfriend, and I know you would never do anything to hurt me. I know I mean everything to you, and that you see your future with me. With our kids running around in the forrests beating trees with sticks, and our families bonding over christmas lunches and their grandkids birthdays - so I’m not worried that you’re gonna leave me. Please don’t ever think for a second that I doubt the words you tell me every single day. I don’t.

But those girls - the ones that suddenly find themselves hopelessly infatuated with you - they don’t know how deep our love goes. How solid a connection we have. How happy we are together. So while they know you already have someone in your life, they still find themselves hoping that you would leave me for them. I mean, you already treat them so well, and give them your undivided attention when they talk, and you don’t respond negatively to their flirtation, so surely they stand a chance, right?

They don’t know that you simply assume that every person is as open, inviting and kind as you. You don’t see what they’re doing as flirting, because why would you? That’s simply how people act when they’re in love with being alive.

And they don’t know you. So they assume they have a shot with you. I’m just an obstacle. A simple nuisance standing between them and the best guy they’ve ever met. And trust me, I get them. I would be heartbroken if I had to let go of you too. I don’t blame them for falling for you. I can’t. I also can’t blame you. You’re you, and I love you for that, don’t ever change.

But I have to admit.

I’m tired.

Of being seen as an obstacle to overcome. A nuisance to brush off. A hickup in their love story. And for that very reason, I cease being a person to them. I’m no longer a person with feelings, a life of my own, goals of my own. I’m simply in their way.

Do you have any idea how it feels to be disrespected like that?

To see someone flirting with you, and casting me glances telling me to go away? To have them ignore me and not even try to get to know me, because in their minds they’ll have won you over, and I’ll be gone soon anyway?

Have you ever felt that disrespected?

Right in front of the person you love? In front of the person who swears up and down that you’re the best thing that has ever happened to them. In front of a guy that doesn’t realize how horribly his “friends” think of his girlfriend?

I hate that part.

Because I can’t do anything about it.

You don’t see it. The blatant flirtation. The outright dismissal of our relationship. The complete and utter disregard for me as a person.

I can’t do anything about it.

I don’t want to change you. You should never change. You’re too good a person to have someone demand you change parts of yourself to fit better into someones world.

I doubt anything could make me confront you about it, because I don’t want you to think I doubt your feelings for me, or your loyalty. Because it will only come off as me not trusting you. But I trust you so damn much, and I don’t know how to communicate this without it coming off as trust issues.

I, in no way, shape or form wanna impose my insecurities on you, or make you feel like you are triggering some deep-rooted trauma in me simply by being yourself.

I love you.

But I hate this.

Feeling cast aside by every girl around you. Feeling like everyone sees me as temporary, and as someone you will move on from soon.

I hate constantly being on edge. And not because of anything you’re doing, but because the glances from those girls get to me - wether I want them to or not.

I don’t really enjoy spending my time expecting dirty looks from girls that have no idea who I am, and have no intention of even trying to get to know me. I don’t enjoy walking into a party, and seeing every girls smile falter as I walk in with you, or the tugging at my heartstrings to walk away from you because the glares and the cold shoulders become too much.

I hate feeling like I don’t deserve you simply because the girls that like you completely disregard me.

It makes me feel like a speck of dirt - or maybe even like nothing at all.

And it might still not make sense.

But I hate that you can’t see when someone is into you.

M.L.