thornesrookery

[thornesrookery]

*wheeze*

Hey, I wanted to take a moment to first of all, thank everyone who has reached out to me or listened to me the last day or so. The outpouring of support has been so wonderful, I can't even express.

But because so many of you have been concerned for me, I felt I would make an official, public announcement about what has happened with Felassan and Abelas on an IC and OOC level.

I am going to try my best to keep things as factual as possible and please note, I do not want anyone to engage with the writer on my behalf. They've deactivated accounts and after this post, I would like to start the moving on process.

Putting it bluntly, the ship was toxic.

I felt as if I could not write Felassan in any meaningful way without his actions, emotions, or lack thereof in some cases, triggering Abelas to spiral and essentially tantrum. By the time I chose to end the ship, they would have broken up for the fourth or fifth time. I genuinely lost count because in the last month of RP, it happened so many times.

As a writer, it started to wear on me Out of Character. I started approaching bsky and discord every day wondering, 'What is the drama going to be today?' Which was when I realized a hobby that I deeply love and only recently got back into, wasn't fun for me anymore.

I knew the source.

At the conclusion of “Emo Night” (which btw, was triggered because Abelas said something hurtful to Felassan, doubled down on it, then tried to be dismissive of his feelings and when Felassan didn't just magically get better, Abelas turned it into a whole, 'Love is dead and Felassan doesn't love me' victim complex. I was NOT. HAPPY.) at the end of emo night, and throughout, actually, I told the writer I was uncertain whether Felassan and Abelas should get back together as it was not a health relationship IC and to be blunt, I was pissed. Especially as they tried to frame it as Felassan “misunderstanding” something Abelas had said to one of the RP servers we were in.

(He said Felassan only gets jealous when he doesn't have all the attention. I'm not sure how many ways that could be taken, I'm js.)

REGARDLESS.

At the conclusion of Emo Night, they seemed willing to settle down with the drama and give both myself the writer, and Felassan a break. I desperately needed it and I was willing to give them another, final chance. I did warn the writer more than once in character and out, that if things were to kick off again any time soon, both Felassan and I would be done.

Not even a week later, we were back on our same old bullshit. It started with another player's character and then naturally, spilled over to mine. And once again, Felassan was going to have to clean up the mess because Abelas decided the character was going to run away after causing as much damage as possible. And while I know that not having my character participate is always an option, with Abelas' writer, it really wasnt. Because any time I didn't have Felassan swoop in to the rescue for whatever reason IC or OOC, it would be wielded against him and I'd have drama regardless.

That was the point where I reached out to the writer to let them know I was done shipping with them.

I realized several things that solidified the decision. That the RP I had been doing with them, was an emotionally abusive relationship in character. That they have no problem dropping triggering content into their RP without warning, pushing people into positions in which they were triggered for real because of the lack of decorum and communication. And that everything they did was to draw the maximum amount of attention to themselves.

I have been doing my best to try and write Felassan (when I'm not shitposting of course) as a very complex and struggling character. He has depth. His flirtatious nature is a facade and SEVERAL characters have managed to pick up on that through interaction. But not Abelas. Because Abelas' main focus was having a trophy to wave around.

I did not have the freedom to write Felassan the way I want because of Abelas needing to be the focus at all times. Felassan could not joke, could not get jealous, could not express hurt, without it somehow turning into him being the bad guy and Abelas the victim.

Also keep in mind. This is just the interactions I had between Abelas and Felassan. Their other characters are built the exact same way and in one interaction between out other characters, I had to have my character leave the RP and take a break myself, because they were pushing at one of my very few triggers. And despite attempts to topic change, express discomfort, and disengage, they kept going until I needed to leave. I shouldn't have to list my personal trauma history and experiences to feel safe walking into a space meant for everyone to gather and RP. I should not have to tell someone to have the BAREST of common sense and decency when including some of the most OBVIOUS and COMMON trigger warnings in their RP. And then to not only double down on it, but to act like both writer and character have no clue why people are reacting the way they are?

This has already gone on longer than I originally planned and I have obviously gotten a little bit emotional while writing this.

Bottom line is:

I appreciate your support and reaching out. It has made this much easier for me to navigate. It takes me a while to process certain emotions and events, which is why this is being delivered now instead of earlier or last night.

I'm not completely okay right now. I'm angry. Angry because when I reached out to say I was done shipping, I got a massive non-apology. I got, “If I had known, maybe I could have done something” and “I never meant to cross boundaries or upset you”. Despite communicating quite clearly, multiple times on my end.

It's a toxic, non-apology that tries to absolve them of blame while trying to guilt you and draw you back in.

And if there's one thing that pisses me off more than anything, it's Guilt Trips. I will not tolerate them.

This is honestly the tip of the iceberg in what I've been dealing with, but I did feel it would be better for me to openly share what was going on so that all of you wonderful people don't worry about lil' ol' Felassan. He and I will be okay. It's going to take a little bit to get over it. But it hasn't deterred me from wanting to RP with the community or chased me away.

I also wish to make clear, I don't care if you choose to be friends with their writer still. I think they need friends, but unfortunately, I can no longer be one of them.

The only thing I ask of you, is to respect that I want no further interaction with them and to not go after them trying to pick fights. I intentionally left their name out of this for a reason. As problematic as I have found them, they don't deserve harassment.

[thornesrookery]

Vanya stood on the beach, face lifted to the oncoming rain as the storm hit the city like it did nearly every day. The wind whipped around wildly, its icy clutch feeling not unlike claws of the damned reaching for her. The sound of the rain pelting the earth and the crash of the waves on the shore helped drown out Manipulation’s tantrum. It helped to drown out a lot of things.

She hated herself. She hated herself for what she had said to Quin. Because she didn’t feel that way at all. If anything, he was the closest thing she had to what she considered a friend. In a very weird, Vanya way. She admired him and she knew he’d likely be a lot happier with her out of his hair. Sebastian had asked her once, “Why the Beach?” She gave him an honest answer at the time. But it wasn’t the whole answer. 

She took a step forward. The waves splashed against her boots and pants. Another step. Another. Until she was just over waist deep in the frigid water. The currents caused by the storm pushed her around roughly, angrily, threatening to sweep her away right then and there. Oh, how she wished they would. That Manipulation would allow it. This wasn’t the first time. It wouldn’t be the last. How many times had Manipulation pulled her out, chastised and hissed about needing her body. 

Maybe if she filled her shoes with rocks. Now that was an idea. If she was too heavy, then Manipulation couldn’t drag her back. So she carefully waded her way back to the shore. But the chill had already set in and the icy blade of the wind was like salt on a wound. She trembled as she tried to pick up stones and keep the one she had grabbed from spilling out of her clutches. Her fingers were numb now. That was okay. Maybe hypothermia would take her instead. Her feet finally fumbled over one another and she fell to her knees in the sand. She fought to stay conscious as long as she could, hoping, *praying* that if she held out as long as possible, the demon wouldn’t be able to fix her. 

She heard the sound of someone calling her name as darkness started to close in, but she wasn’t sure whether it was real or not. It was hard to tell when it came to Manipulation.

[thornesrookery]

Weight of the World

Ivy had chosen to hide in her room for the day. It hit her suddenly, the overwhelming sense of family and acceptance she had been experiencing. And with that came an overwhelming sense of loneliness and othering. It hurt. She thought she had gotten past this, but it always, always came back. The nagging thoughts at the back of her head that she wasn’t really accepted, wasn’t really wanted. She buried herself further under the covers as if they could shield her from the horrible thoughts. 

Outside the chantry bells rang out as the afternoon service signalled its end. Just past that she could hear the faintest sound of the Opera house as the orchestra warmed itself up. She missed when music was a better source of comfort to her. Letting out a sigh, she rolled over, trying to shut it out. All of it. Usually she’d find a way to vent her feelings out like picking off a handful of ghasts or deepstalkers but there weren’t any here. And hunting Antaam was out. She didn’t want to risk messing anyone’s operations up and the thing that weighed on her the most… how fussed and concerned Illario had seemed when she came back last time. 

Which of course spiraled her into a whole other complication. While she was fairly certain, in her very special pessimistic way, that whatever she had going on with Illario was casual, the way he treated her had her constantly second guessing. And second guessing his intentions and feelings had her second guessing her own. And as she examined them a little more deeply that she preferred, she started realizing she was starting to toe closer to a line she was afraid to cross. 

Which then rolled her right into Neros. She liked him. A LOT. His way with her made her feel… understood. Seen. He got her without needing to say a word and the way she caught him worshipping her with his eyes when he thought she didn’t notice. Or perhaps he did? Running her hands up and down her face in frustration, she struggled to understand what he saw in her. What either of them saw in her really. And things were progressing fairly quick. *Too quick.* She was starting to catch the inkling of feels and she was–to be blunt–scared. She was living on borrowed time. She knew that. And she had no desire to drag someone else down that road with her. It was kinder for everyone if she kept her distance. 

Pushing herself out of bed, she ambled her way towards the window and pushed the shutters open. The sound of the chantry bells resounded through the city as they clanged their final chime. The sound of the marketplace rose up to replace it, offering a steady rhythm one could hone in on. Especially when one added the sound of the gondolas and carts passing through the city’s byways. The feelings of fear and loneliness welled themselves up so suddenly within her breast, she found no other way she could express herself. And so for the first time in a very long time, she sang. (In perfect Antivan, no less!)

♪Quando sono solo e sogno all'orizzonte e mancan le parole

Sì, lo so che non c'è luce in una stanza quando manca il sole

Se non ci sei tu con me, con me

Su le finestre

Mostra a tutti il mio cuore che hai acceso♪ (Song reference and voice reference too!)