thiswasnotmyintention

[thiswasnotmyintention]

I want the world to end, but not in a dramatic apocalypse kind of way

In the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy nothing matters and this is kinda funny tbh kind of way

[thiswasnotmyintention]

I dream of the end. Everyone and everything gone...all at once. Humanity is over and there is nobody around to lament or care at all. This pointless struggle is finally over.

And it's ok.

[thiswasnotmyintention]

they call me the problem ignorer for reasons that i know but dont feel like addressing right now

[thiswasnotmyintention]

[thiswasnotmyintention]

[thiswasnotmyintention]

the curse is lifted! you are no a beast no more! congratulations! but you'll never forget the way they looked at you, will you.

[thiswasnotmyintention]

not horses by Natalie Shapero

[thiswasnotmyintention]

Only now realising how true this actually is and suddenly it makes more sense

I don't like to use the term "masking" for the false self. I understood masking as something that a person is aware of and doing because they have to, but feels better if they don't do it and likes not to do it if other people are ok with it. But I like to hide and I feel VERY uncomfortable if somebody "demands" i can unmask around them and be "my true self". Because ofc i don't feel like I have a true self and WHY would they think I trust them enough to be "myself" around them at all. And I really don't trust anybody at all, ever. I just can't, even if I wanted to...and so I'm always my false self around other people. This "unmasking" demand is so common, it integrated into my false self. It can unmask and act different around people who I want to think i trust them... And it works. Also, often I'm not aware i'm in my "false-self-mode", i'm just not even there and things happening by itself, I'm just watching or something. (Maybe I am just an intrusive thought and the false-self is a real person... but I shouldn't even go there.)

And this shit is why I feel so unreal, it's just fake all the way down. Even though i don't even think i'm deep at all, it's all right at the surface and there is nothing more to it. I'm not complex, i'm simple and I just want to do the minimal to survive and anything i do is just in the service of that. I tried to explain this to my old therapist one time, years ago and they were like "Oh, everybody is doing that to some degree. We are all mAsKINg a little bit, you just need a little more self-esteem."  🤪 Bitch what the fuck are you talking about, I just said I don't see this as masking. And I'm not thinking LOW of myself, I believe my real self doesn't exit. You didn't even understand what I'm saying. But my response was: "Oh yes, of course. I feel much better to know other people feel the same. I will work on my self-esteem. Thank you" And something inside of me just wants to puke. ... maybe thats the true self.

[thiswasnotmyintention]

In Minsk, where shadows swell, Concrete sighs under storm-laden skies, Glistening pavements reflect weary dreams, As whispers of discontent rise like vapor, Each figure a ghost, wrapped in silence. Steel towers loom, guardians of a restless past, Beneath the weight of clouds, hope flickers dim— A city poised on the brink, waiting, For thunder to echo in the hearts of the brave.

[thiswasnotmyintention]

they should invent a sunday that doesn’t make you feel completely crushed by the passage of time

[thiswasnotmyintention]

You ever have that "hungry but nauseous" feeling about activities? Like you really really want to do something and you've got plenty of fun hobbies and things you could pick from but all of the options turn your stomach so you're just laying there bored and angry about it.

[thiswasnotmyintention]

The yellow in the szpd flag stands for Raskolnikov's wallpaper and I am not taking constructive criticism on this fine day

[thiswasnotmyintention]

Collection

[thiswasnotmyintention]

You know you've fucked up when you go to a doctor and the thing you have wrong with you has been named after an occupation that isn't a thing anymore. Like imagine a doctor looking at you and going "yeah you've got ox-drawn ploughman's disease. We don't even test for that anymore. Yeah the reason you've never heard of it is because the last known case was in 1927 and happened to some guy who was like 98 years old and didn't believe in modern medicine of the time. What the fuck have you been up to."

[thiswasnotmyintention]

On the one hand it's awesome that the human body can repair itself, on the other hand the fact that it's not designed to be repaired manually kind of sucks because sometimes that's the only option. Like every time you do surgery you are voiding the warranty, that shit is not designed to be opened up like that.

[thiswasnotmyintention]