thisonesforyouamerica

[thisonesforyouamerica]

Documents on top of documents

It’s been a couple months since I’ve updated anything or anyone on my process, so here’s what y’all have missed. The original Air Force recruiter I had high hopes for, turned out to be a douche canoe. I know, I shouldn’t say things like that because it’s not very professional, but this is tumblr and this is how I feel so, suck eggs. 

I moved back into my family’s house in August since my boyfriend was deploying. I hadn’t heard from that recruiter in weeks and he never contacted me back or even answered my texts or calls, so I went searching for a new recruiter. I reached out to one across town and I got an appointment set up with him immediately. Well let me tell you, this new recruiter is a god send. 

It truly does make a difference when you find a recruiter who’s willing to work with you and willing to put in as much effort as you are. Within the first meeting we completed all of my paperwork, had put in the request to have my information switched from the Army office at MEPS to the Air Force office and he even submitted the documents I needed to get the process started on my waivers for my heart and my height. 

I didn’t hear anything back from MEPS for about two weeks, and I was okay with that because no news, meant good news. Well, I ended up getting a call from my recruiter saying that the doctors at MEPS were requesting “an official interpretation” of the EKG they were sent. Not a big deal, I go to the cardiologist and get a letter stating that his interpretation  is that the EKG is normal, take it to my recruiter and he sends it up to MEPS.

Not even 48 hours later, I get a call saying it wasn’t good enough and that it needs to be more specific, and that they want more documents from the visit. So back to the cardiologist I go, for the third time, I get the specific notes from the doctor and take it to my recruiter. A week later, I get another call saying they need all of the documents, they already have them. 

Literally all there is in my patient file is an EKG, a letter clearing me and the interpretation of the EKG. So, I had to go back for the fourth time just to get a signed letter stating there are no more documents in my file. I swear, I thought my height was going to be the hardest part about this waiver process but they haven’t even looked at the height situation because they keep stopping it at my heart. 

So hopefully now that I’ve sent in that final letter, I can proceed with this process. It would be incredible if MEPS could approve what they have and send it to the next level for processing. If I get denied by the Surgeon General, that’s fine. I can handle that and learn to accept it for what it is, but to be stuck in the processing stage without it even getting a final review to be denied or approved, is horrible. 

I honestly don’t know what more could be done at this point. I’ve asked about them sending me to their own doctors to be evaluated but they said it’s not likely for them to approve that. Some days I feel like just giving up and quitting while I can now and start to figure out another game plan, but for some reason I just can't quit trying. I’ve come so far in this process I can only pray that God is just making wait a little bit longer for everything to work out. 

But, everything happens for a reason. So, if this ends up not working out, I know I’ll be okay. It’s going to hurt and it’s going to be hard to handle for awhile, but it’s not the end of the road. 

[thisonesforyouamerica]

Plans Change.

I spent a year and a half working towards joining the Army. I spent countless hours learning everything I could to be ready when the time came. I also spent $1500 to remove a tattoo just to join that branch. When I was in high school I had my heart set on the Marines. After being dicked around and given nothing but false hope and no effort, I moved on from that dream.

I learned to move on from things that aren’t working for me and continue working towards things that will benefit me. The Navy never tried to work for me, the Air Force never gave me the time of day, but the Army, the Army offered me hope. Clearly, that fell through. Throughout my process with the Army, I got  a lot of red flags and ignored them in hopes that things would just work out. 

After my entire experience at MEPS and how the recruiters treated me when I got back, I was furious. I was so furious I walked into the Navy office and listened to what they had to say and what my options were. I took home information and thought about everything that was said and confirmed the Navy just wasn’t for me. I honestly just couldn’t deal with being stuck on a ship for months on end. 

Soon after that, I considered the Air Force. I did my own research and looked at all of my options and it felt like the next best option if the Army wasn’t going to work for me. I found a girl on youtube who is an inch shorter than me and is currently at basic training for the Air Force. I did my own investigative research and found her recruiter and reached out for information on the height waiver. 

I was incredibly shocked when they got back in touch with me and told me everything I needed to do on my end to begin the height waiver process. Theres no promises that it would be approved, but at least I would know I gave my all and tried to make it happen for myself. I feel so motivated and I haven't felt like this in a long time. 

I went out and got in contact with the closest Air Force recruiter and he apparently went over to the Army office next door and talked to my previous recruiter about what happened with my case. My old recruiter lied and told the AF recruiter that they had tried to contact me multiple times and even set up a consult for my heart, but I just never responded to them. That irritated me to no end. Luckily I had my mom with my at this meeting to testify on my behalf. She confirmed that the Army had ignored me, stood me up at appointments and never made any attempt to contact me after MEPS. 

The AF recruiter changed his tune a little towards me and understood my frustrations and where I came from. He explained that because theres only two recruiters in each office, he’s incredibly busy but will do his best to make things happen for me. He gave me the back ground papers to fill out and a list of basically every job in the AF. He told me to make a list of my top five dream jobs, and about fifteen others that I would be willing to do. 

He explained that the AF can’t reserve a specific job for me at MEPS like the Army could, but for once, I was okay with that. Theres a lot of things up in the air when it comes to this process, but I’m hopeful I can make things happen. I know its out of my hands when it comes to MEPS approving waivers, hell they could deny my stuff as soon as I send it up, but for once I feel good about this. 

So heres, to new plans, new goals, and hopefully new success soon to come on this long journey. At least at the end of this, I’ll know I gave this my all and I didn’t hold back. I know what I want and if learning how determined, dedicated and passionate I am about things, means thats all I get out of this, at least I learned a valuable lesson about myself. 

[thisonesforyouamerica]

80bpm

I finally set up my appointment with my cardiologist and got everything checked out. I had already been cleared by my normal doctor, but I was still a little nervous going into this incase there actually was something wrong with me. My mom was kind enough to go with me to hear the results.

They brought me into the exam room where the nurse took my vitals and had me once again do an EKG. This makes my 5th EKG within a month. Everything showed normal and showed no signs of anything being wrong. The nurse was incredibly confused as to why I was in there to begin with. I explained my situation and she understood what had happened. 

The nurse left and then the other doctor came in and examined me. She listened to all four chambers of my heart, checked my circulation everywhere and then asked me what happened at MEPS. I tell her my long story over again and she gets irritated and begins ranting about how I have no business being in the cardiologists office because I was too damn healthy. 

She couldn’t find a single thing wrong with my heart, thank god, but she knew I needed the head cardiologist to sign off on it so she brought him in. He was incredibly nice. He did an exam as well and looked at my latest EKG, and asked about my MEPS story as well. He then asked me what I saw on the EKG’s up at MEPS. I said that it had said there was an abnormal rhythm. He asked me if they had me talking during the EKG, and I said yes.

Apparently thats a trick at MEPS. If you’re talking during an EKG it causes the machine to say theres an abnormal rhythm. There was nothing wrong with my heart, they did it intentionally to kick me back. I was pissed, but so relieved at the same time because there wasn't anything wrong with me. The cardiologist gave me some tips on how to lower my heart rate on the spot for MEPS and wrote me a document clearing me. 

As for now, my heart is no longer an issue when it comes to enlisting. I’m only left to deal with my height being 1 inch below standards and fighting for a waiver for that. So hopefully things start to pan out as I continue to fight for this dream of mine, sure would hate for all this to be for nothing in the end. 

[thisonesforyouamerica]

Let’s talk about MEP’s, baby.

It’s 9 am and I get a phone call from my recruiter. My second choice MOS had come available and he reserved it for me. I have 7 days to go up to MEPs, pass the physical, sign a contract and swear in. I was shaking with nothing but nervous energy. I’ve come so far in this process to where I honestly had lost all of my motivation and was questioning everything and trying to decide if I even wanted to enlist after all.

I agreed to go up to MEPs even though I was unsure, because I was finally having a chance I had been working towards so I figured I’d take it and pray to god that this is what was meant to happen. From the moment I was offered this MOS, I had this strange feeling in my gut that something wasn’t going to go right. So I obviously held myself from being excited about going because my gut hasn’t failed me yet, so better safe than sorry. 

Tried contacting my recruiter the next day to find out everything I needed to take to MEPs and he didn’t answer. Strange, right? I decided to just ask my friends who have enlisted and gone through the MEPs process before and felt confident in their information. So I waited until Monday, the day before I was heading up to MEPs, and I get a text from my recruiter saying to go to the office that afternoon and talk with the 1st Sgt. 

No big deal, I go in, my recruiter is no where to be found. The 1st Sgt didn’t even know why I was coming into the office. So I explained how I didn’t know what I was supposed to do for tomorrow or what I needed to bring. He was shocked my recruiter hadn’t told me anything. Apparently my recruiter went on leave the day after he reserved my spot and didn’t even bother letting me know I would need to ask another recruiter for information he should have given me. 

One of the other recruiters sits down with me and gives me the MEPs brief and is in shock at how my recruiter didn’t even bother giving me the details of my MOS, where I would be going for basic training, when I would be leaving for basic training or where I would be going for AIT. You know that gut feeling I had before? Yeah, figured out what it was for. My projected ship date was only FOUR WEEKS out. Instant panic set in because I am no where near where I need to be physically, especially with running, to make it through basic training. 

I acted calm and collected and only panicked on the inside. Finished out the brief, got all of the information I needed. The recruiter stressed that if I didn’t swear in at MEPs or got kicked back for some reason, I would need to call them and let them know and then find my own ride back from phoenix instead of taking the shuttle they sent me up on.  

Tuesday comes and I’m at the recruiting office with my bag and paperwork ready to go. I go through another briefing, basically going over everything I had put down medically on my paperwork, when apparently my recruiter once again, left information out. By now it was too late to fix it because it had already been sent up to MEPs. I discussed some things with my mom and boyfriend who had dropped me off and were waiting for me to leave, and that gut feeling still hadn’t gone away. In fact, it was just getting worse. 

I get on the shuttle and we head up to Phoenix, there was about 7 of us on the shuttle. We go and get checked into our rooms and we’re assigned our roommates. My roommate was actually really cool. I had been worried I would get stuck with someone awful, but she was great. She was 17 and going into the Navy with hopes of getting Nuclear Engineering. Clearly she’s better at math than I am.

We went down to dinner and made friends with two of the girls on our floor, both of them were going Army like myself. If I took away anything from my entire MEPs experience, it was that I made some really cool new friends and learned to have a whole new level of patience, but we’ll get to that in a minute. 

After dinner we waited for the final briefing of the evening and then headed to our rooms since our wake up call was for 0400. Somehow I managed to actually pass out and get a good nights sleep. Next morning we checked out, grabbed a quick breakfast and headed to MEPs at 0500. 

We get off the bus and in double lines head into the building, we go through security and head over to the offices for the branch you’re there for. We hand over our paper work, grab our name tags and go to the check in station. Apparently a lot of my paperwork had incorrect information, my recruiter had managed to not only put down the wrong address but he managed to spell my name wrong repeatedly. Once we finished with that, they sent us upstairs to get our files and head into the medical briefing. 

They sent those of us going into the Army, down to the testing center to take the TAPAS test, basically to make sure we’re crazy enough to join the Army, but not too crazy to where we’ll lose our shit and kill someone. I go to head down to the testing center with one of my new friends and one of the nurses collects our file and sends us down. We get down to the testing center, and of course, we need our file that was taken from us. So we get sent over to the Army office to collect a form so we don’t have to go searching, again, for our file. We take the test and head back up to medical. 

We finish the briefing and they proceed to take our blood pressure and heart rate, mind you, I’ve just been going up and down stairs, I’m stressed and nervous. Plus, I’ve had to pee since 0400 because they told us to hold it until we went to UA to do the piss test. They take my blood pressure and it comes out perfect, but for some reason they say I need to go see one of the interviewing doctors because theres something wrong with my blood pressure. 

Strange right? Turns out, they messed up, I was supposed to have gone in to redo my heart rate. The nurse recorded my heart rate as 128bpm, anything 100+ is grounds to have it redone and if it doesn’t improve, you’re kicked off the floor and sent home. Well, the nurse tried to get me kicked off the floor before the doctor even redid my heart rate, she kept saying at how I needed a cardiologist consult and an EKG because something might be wrong with me, naturally making me worry. 

The doctor insisted on rechecking my heart rate and naturally it was 110bpm. He decides theres nothing wrong and I don’t need to be kicked off the floor and get to continue with the process. Next step after that was UA, I finally got to pee, or so I thought. Instead I get pulled in for the blood draw. Mind you I’m scared of needles so that wasn’t fun in the slightest. 

After that I finally got to pee, it was the longest piss of my life. Once I finished there and was approved, I got sent to hearing for the hearing test. After that I made my way over to vision. The same nurse who tried to kick me off the floor did my vision test, but I noticed she barely wrote anything down on my chart. 

After that she took me to another nurse and demanded that I needed an EKG, even though the doctor said I didn't need one. The nurse ran the first EKG and it came back abnormal, but they also didn’t change any of the information on the EKG to actually fit my profile. They had me listed as a 40 year old male. Two more EKG’s and they all say “abnormal rhythm.” 

Clearly that’s not a good sign, so I’m genuinely worried at this point that there could actually be something wrong with my heart, instead of kicking me off the floor like they're supposed to, they decide to send me in for the interview with the female doctor who determines if I pass the physical or not. 

After discussing my medical history with the doctor and her agreeing there wasn't anything wrong, she sends me on to the next step which was the various exercises and the rest of the physical. They lined me up in my bra and underwear and took my height and weight. I managed to lose 5lbs the week before running around at Disneyland, so I was stoked, but they measured me at 57in when I needed to be 58in to make the minimum height requirement for the Army. 

They didn’t say anything about my height being a problem, they just ignored it and continued with the physical. All of us girls did our physical and exercises and the doctor brought us in individually to the exam room to tell us if we were going to be able to swear in today or not. 

The doctor told me everything was on track, gave me my file and told me to go to the desk to proceed with swearing in. I get to the desk and they have me wait for about 10 minutes while they input all of my paperwork into the system. They called me over and said everything was in order and were about to hand me the paper to take to the Army office down stairs to sign a contract and swear in, but right as they were about to hand it over, they took it back and said I wouldn’t be able to enlist today.

They said I need to go to a cardiologist to have a consult and until then I’m being deferred, not disqualified. Which, wasn’t as bad as being disqualified, it just ultimately sucked because my MOS I had reserved was released and someone else picked it up. This meant I wouldn’t be going to basic training in 4 weeks, I wouldn’t be going in as a Human Resources Specialist with an $11,000 signing bonus. 

So I took myself down to the office and the liaison was super friendly and told me to call my recruiter to make sure I was set to come back on the shuttle. None of the recruiters answered my call. I called the office line directly and when I said who was calling they hung up. I received a text saying I needed to find my own ride back from Phoenix. I talked with the liaison and they made sure I had a spot on the shuttle back.

Halfway home I received another text saying I needed to go into the recruiting office the next day to speak with the 1st Sgt about what happened at MEPs. At this point I was just mad, frustrated and part of me actually felt sad even though I wasn’t sure that was what I wanted. 

I broke the news to my family who was mad and upset, yet some how felt that everything that had happened was my fault. The next day comes and my mom and I go to the office, and imagine that, only one recruiter was there and the 1st Sgt wasn't even in the office. He didn’t even show up to my appointment. I was pissed. The other recruiter tried to tell me that I was permanently disqualified and that they had me listed as being 4ft 7inches. 

Wrong. So wrong. I was measured in at 4ft 9inches when I needed to be 4ft 10inches. I tried to tell them that it was 100% possible to get a height waiver for 1 inch below standards, but they kept telling me I was making things up. It was incredibly clear that this recruiting office was no longer going to work for me. 

So here I am now, a little beaten down, stressed out and in search of a new recruiter who actually helps me and doesn’t mess up my paper work. I’m now trying to figure out what exactly it is that I want. I might consider switching branches all together, but until then, I’ve set up my appointment to get my heart checked out and once I have those results, I’ll either continue on the hunt for the right Army recruiter, or I’ll have figured out a new path I’ll take and see where it leads. 

[thisonesforyouamerica]

Scores and horrors.

After a year and a half, 6 months of tutoring and hours of studying, I finally had my chance at the ASVAB. Back when I was in high school I had the chance to take the asvab instead of going to class for a couple hours. Back then I had no idea how important the exam really was. I never bothered to study for it or anything and because of that I got a score of 51. It was enough to enlist because the standard was 31. Thankfully my score expired after two years and I was able to get a second chance at getting a better score and landing a good job. So I dedicated my free time to going to tutoring specifically for the asvab and studied my ass off. I was supposed to have taken the asvab in December last year but my recruiter fell through. So I decided to focus on my semester ahead because I had all research heavy courses and I needed to pass. I quit focusing on the asvab and dove into my school work while continuing to get my neck tattoo removed. Semester ends, my neck is finished and my recruiter decided to schedule me for the asvab with only 48 hours notice. I made flash cards and studied my ass off. I'm still haunted by formulas in my dreams. The day comes and I go to take my asvab. I was expecting it to be on the computer like they had told me, nope. It was an old school pencil and paper exam. Which meant that I'd be waiting for a couple days to know my results. After 4 days of impatiently patiently waiting I got my results. I managed to improve from a 51 to a 68. That improvement itself is amazing because it hardly ever happens, but unfortunately the line score for Clerical that I was hoping to improve, I didn't improve enough. I got 102 when I need a 105. I was so close, yet not close enough for my dream job in the Army. Because of this I have to reevaluate everything I want to do in the Army or if that's even the branch I want to continue with. It's probably one of the most upsetting things so far because I was so close to my dream job. Now I'm stuck with the pressure from not only my recruiter but my family to figure out my life within a matter of hours because they all want to know what my next step is. So here's to anxiety, improvements and new life choices and back up plans.

[thisonesforyouamerica]

The light at the end of the tunnel

Last year around this time, I went and set up a meeting with the Army recruiter after have been through 3 tattoo removal sessions. I wanted to get more information on my options and figure out when I needed to get the ball rolling so my paperwork and everything would be finishing up about the time my neck was finishing. I was given so much hope and was paired with a new recruiter who said he would do anything he could to make sure I got what I wanted from the Army, especially after I told him my history of rejection and how the treatments have been going. I started the paperwork and was beyond excited for where this was headed. 

I began studying for the ASVAB with a tutor twice a week, I took all of the practice exams I could get my hands on. I made a list of 12 different jobs in the Army I would be more than happy to do. Granted I had a top 6 that I would sell my soul to get, but 12 gave me plenty of back up options. I went in for my 6th treatment after being told I would need between 6-8, I had my head in the clouds, hoping this would be the end.

It wasn’t. I was told I would need two more. My recruiter was updated but put everything on hold. After my 10th treatment he told me there was a chance I could pass my neck with make up on it. He later found out that it wasn’t going to work. I would get through MEPS, ship out but as soon as it was seen at BCT or during reception, I would be kicked out and sent back. I was bitter about that for awhile, but ultimately not proceeding with that plan would save my future in the Army. 

I had been promised to be sent up to MEPs to take the ASVAB for months, and I never made it up there. My recruiter decided it was best for me to wait for my neck to be completely gone because he didn’t want to get my hopes up or waste his time sending me if my neck didn’t fade out. I’ve spent years being given empty promises, false hope, and ultimately being rejected, so this was nothing I wasn’t used to.

Fast forward from December 2016 to April 2017. 

I spoke to a new recruiter who gave me so much hope about my neck. He told me that the way it looks currently is enough to pass through MEPs with a waiver as a scar. I was beyond excited. I wanted to cry because this was finally a huge break, a huge leap in the right direction. So I got ahold of my previous recruiter set up a meeting, he was a no show. 

The other recruiters in the office gave me the number of the tattoo removal place in town that they send people to, and told me I needed to get a second opinion since I was told I need to go in for a 12th treatment at the end of May. So I set up the free consult and my mom went with me. They looked at my neck and said it was done. I didn’t need a 12th treatment. What was left is called a shadow, which is essentially a scar of what was there. It looks like ink because it’s off colored, but it’s really a scar. 

This was the news I had been searching for. They wrote me a document stating in their professional opinion that it was a scar. I called my recruiter and told him what they had said and he asked me to come in yesterday and bring in the document. I went in, he looked at my neck, he scanned the document and added it to my file. He then took a black light and looked over my tattoo to see if anything showed up, it didn’t. 

We sat down and talked about where we could go from there. I was finally given a plan for the summer, with a possible good outcome. I will go to my neck appointment in May, get a copy of my entire patient file along with a document saying it’s a scar from the place I’ve been treated at. I’ll be sent up to MEPs and given a physical. If I can pass the physical that go around, I’ll be sent back. We’ll chose a date for me to go to MEPs to take the ASVAB, redo the physical and hopefully pick my MOS and swear in. 

If everything goes smoothly with my packet and my physical, I could be looking at finally getting my chance to swear into the Army before the end of the year. After years of contemplating the “what if,” I’ll finally get my shot to at least try. If my waiver gets rejected, which there’s still a possibility of that happening, I’ll be placed on medical hold. I’ll be restricted from going up to MEPs to try again, for a week, 30 days, 6 months or even a year. It depends on if the doctor’s in a good mood that day or not. 

I’m not going to let that possibility drag me down, even if the worst case scenario happens and I get placed on med hold for longer than 30 days, I will just have even longer to get physically ready, my tattoo scar will lighten even more over time and I will be ready for whatever comes next. So here’s to hoping and praying that this will finally be my shot. Lord know’s I’ve been waiting for this day for so long. 

[thisonesforyouamerica]

It's been awhile since I've posted about this. I know some of y'all have asked me if I've given up and quit working on my neck. No, I haven't. My 11th session was in February and because of school I had to schedule my 12th session for May 30th. It's lightened up some since that treatment, and I still have a little over a month until the next one. It's coming close to where the laser will no longer be effective and I'll have to wait for my body to finish metabolizing the remaining ink on its own. I've had a lot of conversations with a few somewhat important people on what can be done. I've been told to get a second opinion from another tattoo removal place just to have their opinion documented for my packet. So as far as this goes, I'm not able to achieve my goals just yet, but I'm not giving up. #thisonesforyouamerica💪🏼🇺🇸 #Progress #HurryUpAndWait #11DownForeverToGo #keeponclimbing

[thisonesforyouamerica]

11 down, forever to go. Just kidding. My neck had lightened up a lot since the last treatment and they're estimating I'll need 2 more. However, my neck is coming to the point where it's not going to respond to the laser anymore so hopefully my 11th and 12th treatment works. After that, it's all up to my metabolism to break down and absorb the rest. I don't go back until the end of May. So hopefully a lot changes in the next 3 months. Bright side it gives me time to focus more on school than worrying about missing class and work to come. I'm just not going to stress myself worrying about this and just enjoy the rest of the semester. #Progress #HurryUpAndWait #ThisOnesForYouAmerica💪🏼🇺🇸

[thisonesforyouamerica]

1 year down. Forever to go. I finally hit my one year mark since I started this process. My neck has come such a long ways from where it started. I remember being absolutely terrified of starting this process and not knowing what to expect. I also remember hoping it would be done after 6 treatments. Yet, here we are going on to the 11th. It's taken me so much longer than I had expected, but it's also given me so much more time to do things I didn't think I'd be able to do. The waiting sucks, the not knowing if it's going to ever be done sucks, but I'm really learning to appreciate the time I have left. So hopefully next year at this time, I won't still be waiting for this to finish.

[thisonesforyouamerica]

 10  down, forever to go.  At least that’s what it feels like. After a long 8 week wait, I finally got to go in for my 10th treatment. As usual I was nervous and just overall wasn’t looking forward to it. We ended up going back 20 minutes early, which wasn’t bad considering I just wanted to get out of there. The tech looked at my neck like usual and took a picture of it for the file. She told me that even though it doesn’t seem like there’s been progress, she could see a difference. I got more injections than usual because I just wasn’t getting numb for some reason. She went over it once or twice with the laser. She was surprised to see my skin have the reaction to the laser that it did. Apparently when tattoos have the amount of ink that I have, don’t show any reaction to the laser and the laser stops working and there’s no more treatments they can do. However, since my neck looks like it does in that picture, that means the laser is still working by some miracle. Unfortunately that means I still need more treatments, bright side I can get more treatments to help breakdown what’s left instead of hoping for the best over time. I go back in 5 weeks instead of 8 because scheduling and school wise it just worked out better. She is hopeful that my neck could finally be done by the end of the semester, but for sure by the end of this year. I’m hoping and praying that it’s done sooner than later. I’ve been at this for 350 days and it’s the final stretch. I’m just ready to finally be able to move on with my life and hopefully get the chance to achieve my dreams. I’m hoping to see some decent progress on my one year mark that’s coming up. So here’s to another 10 days of neck tape and bandages,14 days of ice packs and neck cream and 30 day wait until the cycle starts over again. 

[thisonesforyouamerica]

New Year,  New Me

It’s been awhile since I’ve last posted anything about my progress or what’s been going on with everything in this wild process. It’s a New Year, New Me kind of situation. I really lost sight of the end goal on more than one occasion in 2016 and I really let myself get me down and psych myself out. 

I went on vacation and really found myself thinking about things. I always sit there and judge those who talk about how they’re a completely different person coming into the new year and how they’re going to change so many things about themselves. Well, I’ve become that person. I really took the time to really think about where my life is headed and the career path I want to go down and I decided that 2017 won’t be a repeat of 2016. 

I did however start to second guess my choices in branches and really struggled to figure out what is truly the right fit for me. I considered taking what others describe as the “easy route” and going Air Force instead. I did research, asked people questions who are currently in the Air Force. I even went on youtube and started watching videos, yet somehow I still kept going back to the Army videos, the Army website and thinking about the Army.

I decided to make a pro’s and con’s list for the branches and over all the Army seemed to outshine the Air Force in terms of pro’s. It was at that moment when I was almost done with the list that I had this feeling where I hoped the Army would come out with more reason’s for me to join than the Air Force did. My quarter life crisis had been adverted. I stoped over thinking, second guessing and realized the decision I had made at the beginning of 2016 was the right choice. 

I woke up this morning and really decided I needed a swift kick in the ass. My neck could be finished by the summer and at that point I won’t have any more excuses to keep procrastinating getting fit to enlist. I set up a workout plan and I did my first workout today. I’m going to do my best to get in 3-4 runs weekly along with the 3-4 workouts a week. I really need to get my run time down to 20 minutes minimum and really work on those push-ups. 

I thought getting my tattoo removed would be the hardest obstacle I’ve had to face in order to enlist, but motivating myself to get my butt in shape and run has been far more difficult. I figure if I can do as many run’s before I go in for my 10th treatment on January 20th, the better. It gives me that boost to start getting in the hang of things so when I’m down the 7-10 days after, I’ll be ready to jump right back in. 

So here’s to the new found motivation, the new goals, the new obstacles and hopefully the new success of 2017. 

[thisonesforyouamerica]

It’s officially been 300 days since I started this. It’s come a long ways from what it was and it still has a long way to go. I gotta say, this process seems to be the only consistent thing I have in my life right now. I’m hoping in 65 days that there will be even more progress and be one step closer to it being done. I mean, after a year of getting shots and burned you get kind of over the hype and excitement of the progress and just want it to be done. This could take up to another 4-5 treatments and could end up taking another year, but all I can do is keep trying. Maybe one day we’ll finally see that big blank spot where this used to be. 

[thisonesforyouamerica]

Session #9 came and went. I went into it scared as hell that it was too light to continue treatment. However the laser tech told me she would continue using the laser until my tattoo shows no progress and my body refuses to absorb the left over ink if that's what the case may be. It's not my last session, but it's one more closer to being done. I have a 10th one coming up in late January with the hopes that it could be close to the last one. I'm having some major struggles dealing with it not being over yet, but I'm giving it the time it needs. "Just because it hasn't happened for you yet, doesn't mean it won't ever happen for you." So here's to hoping I won't need more than 13 treatments.

[thisonesforyouamerica]

I feel like this 8 week wait between sessions has been the longest wait of my life. Some of the smaller parts of the branches are fading out. The name and date are still being stubborn. We’re getting so close to where I need to be. Yet, we still have a long ways to go. I’ve made a lot of friends on this journey that are going through enlistment struggles themselves. We all have different stories and we’re all supportive of each other. 

I love watching my friends succeed or make progress of any kind. But sometimes it just hits you in the gut and makes you feel jealous and you hate yourself for it, but it happens anyways. One of my friends who’s been in her own process for two years now finally got everything approved when it came to her medical waivers and got the date for when she swears into the Air Force. She’s put so much hard work into it from her weight loss to making sure she got all of her medical documents in when they needed to be. So this is definitely something well deserved. 

But yet in the midst of congratulating her, I feel heartbroken and on the verge of tears. Why? Because it’s still not me. It’s still not my turn for things to be going my way. It’s not my turn to finally say I’ve made a huge leap in progress or a step forward to where I’m headed. Instead it’s just me sitting here, congratulating a friend on her hard work paying off while I’m still waiting  another two weeks to go in for round 9. 

An appointment where they could tell me that even though it’s still visible there’s not enough ink for the laser to work. Or with whatever luck I got left in me, they can do the 9th treatment and then for another 8 weeks I can sit here and pray, beg and plead God to make this fade out. If not, and I still got ink after round 9, who knows, maybe round 10 will be the final one and I’ll finally be free. 

Free of the pain, the stress, the constant broken feeling, the constant feeling of being stuck in place while everyone’s lives are going past you, feeling like you’re  never going to be successful in life and that you’re out of options. I don’t mind going through the physical pain because after 10 days, it’s like it was never there. The mental and emotional pain this entails never leaves...

It caries on until the next round, slowly picking up more as it goes along. Have you ever seen a cartoon of a snowball rolling down a mountain until it finally hits something at the bottom and shatters? That’s exactly how this is. It keeps building and building. I’m waiting for it to finally crash and I completely lose my mind and shatter into a million pieces. Leaving broken pieces of me everywhere for someone to clean up. 

Who knows, maybe if things finally work their way out and things start going my way, nothing will crash and no one will have to pick me up off the floor. Hell, I’m hoping and praying that’s the case because I honestly don’t think anyone would be able to pick me up off the floor after all of that. I’ve been through a lot of rejection and heartache when it comes to my future, not even just this enlistment process. I’ve had offers education wise that were everything I could have ever dreamed of offered to me, only to be taken away at the last moment. I just don’t think I would be able to handle the outcome if this removal process were to not be successful. 

I wouldn’t be myself after that. I don’t even think I would be anything. I’m giving this everything I have and then some. I’ve put myself through so much misery physically, mentally and emotionally. There’s nothing left of me for anything else. I’m all tapped out. This is all or nothing, and if it happens to turn out to be for nothing. Well, I guess that’s what I’ll be too. 

I know this isn’t exactly an uplifting post. But this isn’t exactly an uplifting journey I’m on. I don’t open up and talk about my feelings, but this is my way out. This is my way of letting people see everything that’s going through my mind throughout this journey. 

It’s raw, it’s messy, it’s disheartening, it’s hopeful, it’s everything I’m feeling at one time, put out there for anyone and everyone to read. I’m sorry if anyone reading this thought this would be nothing but rainbows and daisies. This process is my own personal hell. No one will ever truly understand what this is like until they go through it. And honestly, I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy. 

Maybe in two weeks I’ll finally get some news I’ve been praying for since I started. I just want to know when this will all be over... 

[thisonesforyouamerica]

You know this entire process has been overwhelming since it started. One of the hardest days was when the laser tech told me that my process was far from being done and to expect another 6 month wait minimum. Well That day I was feeling completely broken and we had stopped by my cousin’s and we ended up leaving with Rev. Now, those of you who know me, know that my dog Lucy is my best friend and saving grace. Well, this is her dad. Since we brought him home, he’s been nothing short of a best friend to me. He forces me to hug him and accept his kisses when I feel like a broken mess. He hasn’t replaced Lucy in any way, he’s just given me another shoulder to lean on when I need it. July was a hard month for me to process everything I had been given. But thanks to the help of Rev, I’ve found something good in every day since. He came to us, all tore up from getting in fights with his son, but little did he realize that he would be the one putting my broken pieces back together. Thanks for loving me on my darkest days, bub. 

[thisonesforyouamerica]

We're slowly getting somewhere. 27 days until my 9th session and then another painfully slow 8 week wait for what will hopefully be my 10th and final treatment. All I do is hurry up and wait.

[thisonesforyouamerica]

If any of you know me, you know I don’t identify as one specific religion. I do believe in God and I pray, a lot. When one of my dear friends who lives in Australia came to visit me this summer around my birthday, I accompanied her to mass. I had told her about my struggles with staying positive and trying to keep my head up about my tattoo progress. She showed me how to light a candle and say a prayer for someone who’s in need of help, or even pray about a difficult situation that I’m going through.

So I lit a candle and I prayed that my neck would start progressing and fading out as well as I had hoped. I pray about this right before every treatment but this time, something was different. I felt like a small weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The session before this moment had been the one where I left the appointment feeling completely discouraged and broken by the news that I would need at least two more and it could take 3-5 months to finish fading out on it’s own after the last treatment. That made my estimated plan change from finishing in September with only 7 treatments, maximum, to it now taking at least a full year to complete.

I really got to thinking about my situation and how it truly is out of my hands. I’m not a control freak by any means but to have your future depend upon something that you have no control over whatsoever is difficult, trying and at times emotionally painful and draining when things haven’t panned out as expected.

This entire process from day one, back when I was first trying to enlist four years ago, has been the most painful experience emotionally and mentally, that I’ve ever experienced. This isn’t like some of my friends that I’ve made along the way who only have to lose weight to be able to enlist. That’s something you can control. You can sit there and plan out your meals, plan out your calorie intake, plan out your workouts. You can have someone there to train you and push you to help you lose weight.

All I can do is make sure I set up my appointments when the tech recommends, sit there through the painful injections, hold my breath and try not to breathe while she goes over it with the laser because the smell of burning skin makes me want to puke, and then, after all that, the only thing I can do is deal with the pain and make sure it doesn’t get infected and heals within the week that it usually takes.

Theres not moment where I can sit there and say okay body, today, we’re going to completely absorb this much ink. Tomorrow, we’ll try absorbing this half of the tree, and maybe two days from now, we’ll start absorbing the ink that’s in the name. All I can do is wait. I’m constantly patiently, impatiently waiting for things to finally start clearing up. For things to finally start making progress and going the way I need them to go.

It’s so hard and mentally tiring to sit here, knowing what I’m meant to be doing with my life, the only thing I’ve wanted to do with my life. The one thing, I’ve spent countless nights crying over because for some reason, my day, just hasn’t come.

I feel completely helpless. People tell me I’m so brave, so tough, so strong for doing this. No one understands how broken I am on the inside. How horrible this entire process is on me mentally. There’s still that chance that my neck could not fade out ever, I could still have ink remaining after my last session. What people don’t realize is that there’s only so many treatments you can get. Just because there’s still ink left, doesn’t mean they can continue to go over it with a laser. The laser will only work on a certain amount of ink. If there’s not enough ink, there’s no more treatments, even if it’s still visible, faded out as hell, but still visible.

There’s a chance that I could be going through an entire year of physical pain, for it not to work out. They say God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. Most days I really question if he has more faith in me than he should. Some days I feel like I’m a lost cause. I’ve been told by several people that this process is a lost cause, this dream and small amount of hope that I still have left, is a lost cause.

Feeling this way led me to looking into more specific ways to ask for help. Through this process I discovered St. Jude and everything he stands for. Most people associate him with Cancer or Cancer survivors, but St. Jude does more than just help those with Cancer. St. Jude is the patron saint of hope, difficult situations and lost causes. When I discovered this, I felt like God was giving me a hint. I had never thought about St. Jude before, until one day his name popped into my head and I decided to do some more research on him.

When I looked more into him, I found this specific prayer to St. Jude

“Most holy Apostle St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honors and invokes you universally as the patron of hopeless cases, of things despaired of. Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone; make use, I implore you, of this particular privilege accorded to you, to bring visible and speedy help, where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolations and succor of Heaven in all my necessities, tribulations and sufferings, particularly (here make your request), so that I may bless God with you and all the elect forever. I promise you, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, and I will never cease to honor you as my special and powerful patron and to do all in my power to encourage devotion to you. Amen.”

It was that moment where I realized this might be what I need, this might be that extra push to help me get to where I need to be. So with that, every time I would hit bottom, I would say this prayer. The night before my seventh session, I was feeling terrified, mostly because I was afraid that nothing had progressed and that I would get more discouraging and heartbreaking news the next day. I didn’t sleep much, if at all that night. The next morning before we headed to my appointment, I took a moment to say this prayer to St. Jude and I said an extra prayer to God, I had tears in my eyes, I just needed a miracle.

We go to the session, I had gotten a new Laser tech. She replaced the one I had started this wild ride with. Instead of utterly heartbreaking news, she gave me a small ounce of hope. She had told me about how there was an aftercare cream that helped the lightening process, she was surprised my other tech hadn’t mentioned it or offered it up before. She told me I could need about 3 more sessions and to give my body 4 months or so after the last one to really see how it fades out. For some reason, I felt like it was just going to be okay.

So I thought maybe this was a sign, that even though it’s going to be a long, hard process, it’s going to be alright in the end. I continued to say that prayer to St. Jude when I felt like I had hit a wall. I went to my 8th session, right before they numbed me up, I said that prayer to St. Jude and I begged God to give me a helping hand...that next day, I could see a spot on my neck that hadn’t been ink-less since I had gotten the tattoo.

I wanted to cry in disbelief that this could actually be turning around, that this was God and St. Jude’s way of saying “I got your six.” I spend most of my day praying and begging God to help me keep faith, to help me get to where I want to be. To let this truly be what I’m meant to do. People always tell me to just let God handle it, whatever he has planned for me will happen. I can feel that deep down in my bones that the Army is where I’m supposed to end up.

I had contemplated buying a St. Jude charm to wear as a daily reminder that someone is there for me, to help lend me a hand when I can’t do it by myself or when God needs someone to take over my situation. It took me a few months to finally decide to just buy it since I had been wanting it.  Today it came in the mail, I decided to add it to my necklace that I had got while in Australia. I felt that it was fitting, considering my Australian friend had introduced me, officially to the Catholic church and told me a little bit about how they have Saints for almost anything you could pray about.

I’m not Catholic, but this necklace, this prayer and asking St. Jude and God for help, makes me feel like I’m not just sitting around waiting. It gives me a small amount of relief and for that, I’m thankful.