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Falling back in love part II

First night back home

It’s easy to forget yourself and the things you believe in. 

A gray lifeless haze settles into the room. 

A soft wet sensation settles on the back of my neck

I feel utterly soft myself 

My once upon a time lover’s arms 

Have found their way around me 

In and out of dreams 

I come back to him.

High as a kite on my 23rd birthday

 I can’t stop thinking about his hands. His hands reaching for me from the side of his bed. His hand sliding across my hip. His hand caressing my cheek. it’s all otherworldly. Pink and hazy and distorted. He is bubblegum and sprayfans in the summer. He is the rainbow found in the shadow of sprinklers. He is a krispy kreme donut when the hot sign is on yeet

Falling out of love part II

I feel his sadness settle heavily on the room

It seeps into my skin 

And stays with me when i leave him

Before the Storm

 Where do you go to find the strength to keep going

Hello i am a consumer here to consume

I am like my fellow man 

Everything has been quantified since the enlightenment

Why can’t you quantify happiness? 

We have failed as a race

The cultural switchman set us on the wrong track

We will keep going until we burn out of coal or blow ourselves up

I���d prefer to go out with a bang

Looking into the sky

Screaming like a deaf man 

...

I want to be tender, lifeless pink and gray 

Like she was in her instagram post

Her image haunts me 

Like her ghost haunts you

can you see through to her? 

As i lay beneath you. 

101 ways to kill yourself, these are the cream of the crop:

Get drunk, fight a dog

Bullet up the rectum

Break neck trying to go down on yourself

Lots and lots of laxatives

Eat white castle hamburgers

Power Drill your face

I don’t feel like a person anymore. Just fragments like the freckles on your shoulder. 

Real

Still 

Lifeless 

Pink 

And  

Gray 

Still lifeless pink & gray 

I can see it in your eyes

When i catch them while we’re making love

You look away quick like you were caught 

Trying to unsee me 

I love you because i think i’m pathetic 

And i like things that affirm my beliefs 

I don’t even think that’s true

Now i’m just a liar. 

How to be happy: I don’t know how, but what I do know is: happiness is the smell of the forest and wet dirt. It is the feeling of moss and pine needles on the bottoms of my feet. Happiness is a well meaninged hug. A hug that isn’t just for formalities but a coming together of bodies in a space created by them away from the harshness of the world. Happiness is peace; peace is acceptance.

Break up part II

The day after part II

My hands look a mile away

-

I can’t find my heart

One moment it’s in my throat

The next it’s past my toes

-

Breathing use to be effortless

It is so hard now

Like dragging a body 

-

He left his camera

I want to take pictures of

How i feel

-

He is everywhere 

I don’t feel so attached

To his bones anymore

-

My hands burn red 

His eyes burn blue

Blind sided 

-

I’m sorry

4 days after

Regret stalks me like lions stalk prey 

Pouncing when i least expect it

Weight comes crashing down on my neck

Teeth sink into my throat

And thrash side to side

My body now dismembered from my head

Not quite dead.

The body relies on sense now 

Groping blind for meaning

The head watches the body stumble

And feel and search

The head is happy to be rid of the body

The head remains quiet 

Waiting for the body to wander off

So that it may finally have peace

In pure thought

8/19/18

Your body against mine 

In the grey of the morning

Holding me together as i 

Melt into you 

Your touch is useless 

I am you 

And you are me

What have i done

It took so long to make you part of me

And now you are so far away

Parts of you are still with me

But your soul isn’t in them anymore

I am alone with the things you left behind

When I pushed you away 

I love you 

But i don’t know how to be loved by you

Your love is foreign 

It felt tired and cold 

Maybe i’m tired and cold 

Maybe your fire was never meant to be mine

I’ll be waiting for you 

On this porch where we fell in love

And out of love

Time and time again

I chose to love you

And that will never cease

The love i have for you 

Is not bounded by this place

Or time

It continues to exist moment after moment

Because it exists right now 

“Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future”

“The world spins the same forces that pumps our hearts”

Your love, my love, set our futures on course

I cant define if it is a good or a bad course

I can only proclaim it set it on a course

My soul is bound to yours

Like those that came before me

And will come after me

But i am there nonetheless

And you are with me 

And i find comfort in the fact 

Your memory is sweeter than it is bitter

Warmer than it is cold

Icebergs were the window to your soul

Cold was the touch you gave me

But still I find warmth in my heart

My strength can turn you into flame 

Impossible 

You might say

Our loved seemed so

But so it was 

And so you are 

And so i am

And so we were 

And so we are

And so we will be 

Analgesia (n): the inability to feel pain

I took 5mg of melatonin

I use to take 10mg

5mg still knocks me out

Its 10:18 and my eyes are so heavy

My mind is drifting so gracefully 

like water over waves

out my glass door 

Past the tree swing

Down the mossy path 

Under the bridge

Over the railroad tracks 

And up into the dark purple sky

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falling in and out

FALLING IN 

4/20 1:53am walking to my car 

...purposely purposefully walking home 

and loving you.

the memory of 

your hands

hover 

dancing over the small 

of my back.

muttering. 

the trace left

by your palm

warms me.

yearning for the heat

of your skin

and your words.

they feel so good in my hands 

and on my lips 

4/13/19

I remember your foot touching mine

I was so careful with how i talked after that 

so as not to move my foot an inch away from yours

5/20/19 

On the way back from Yellowstone 

My brothers maps app messed up. The miles

Went up whlie the time was going down. 

Perhaps we aren’t heading towards our destination at all. 

6/18/19

“One idea and the opposite: trust and loneliness”

8/19/19 00:42

60 floors of chandeliers

Whatever happened to warm air rises

FALLING OUT 

I miss you, but in the good way. My body doesn’t hurt like it used to. The memory of you is still warm like the sun streaming in our new york apartment when i opened the blinds for the first time.

I miss you, and I can still feel the warmth of the sun as I write this in my blue chair in the backyard, but the sun is almost gone. You still feel close. If we were together I’d tuck a curl behind your ear and kiss your eyelids. 

I miss you but checking my phone now comes with a sense of dread. I feel myself fading as love consumes. The bigger you get the smaller I become. My mind is as empty and as gray as the sky. The sun reflects off the haze of nothing and into my room. It gives me a headache. Tiny is lying on the floor behind me. He’s hanging onto the carpet like a lover. He’s alone but doesn’t feel it.

The Return

the clouds were red the morning you flew in 

rain followed the plane 

drenching the whole of the united states

west coast to home 

everyone is affected by love

i held on to you for so long 

not because I missed you

but because I was cold 

your body was warmer than i remembered 

clouds turned yellow on our drive home 

a white sky hid behind them

it gave me a headache

i let go of your hand to turn 

breakfast didn’t taste like food 

conversation isn’t talking 

roses are red

violets are blue 

remnants of the wreckage wrought 

by your roommates cluttered the house

we walked over it all 

and crashed in bed

remnants of our love laid to rest 

my tears stained your shoulder

you probably thought it was drool

it hurts to be alone

mourning in the morning 

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over time we bruised

and bent one another

unconsciously molding our subconscious

i’m a remnant of what i once was

a creation of what i once had

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watching you walk to the bar

wearing my jacket

i see my love still keeps you warm

what have you left me?

i gave you the coat off my back

all the love i had

delicate wash cold with like colors

i read you my care label

told me you were able

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winter 

          bones

brittle winter bones

     i see the trees' 

vulnerable brittle winter                              

                                  bones

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the rain brings me peaceful 

solitude

soothes my mind

the mountains bring me

space in my bones

a deep breath

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someone picked my brain 

and replaced it with cotton

mornings are the worst

so are the nights 

and the days

come to think of it

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I’m not heart sick

I’m sick of my heart

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Grand Canyon day dream

The people are so small. But I’m not afraid because we look like part of the land scape. Natural. Just a piece of earth. A piece of landscape. Hurt doesn’t hurt so bad.

Hurt doesn’t hurt so bad.

Hurt doesn’t hurt so bad.

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Bowling

Love is unprepared

I hate the concept of love

It’s been dissected and ripped apart little by little until the pieces left are meaningless parts floating in our social consciousness

We’re all trying to piece it together

Makeshift boats on this sea of life

Lol

We’re still drowning

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loneliness becomes exhausting

Could you tell me how to love you

Could you tell me i’m alright

Hold me in the morning

Instead of at night

I think i love you

But you’re still crying

I think i hate myself

But i’m still trying

I’m trying for you

Im trying for you

Can’t you see

I’m trying for you

And you are crying

And i am trying to love you

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I

Eyes are the window to the soul

Icebergs

Your eyes are two icebergs melting into your head

Now you are soulless

And i am still dead

II

I wont let this beat me

I wont let this close me off

My windows are open

My heart may be on fire

But at least its not iced over

I am rebirthed

I put my cigarettes out in a thurible

And walk down the aisle

To the pulpit

I repent my weaknesses

Bathtized in holy fire

I can walk on water

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never participate in a closure talk

My head aches from smoking so many cigarettes

I watched you watch my hand shake as i lit each. one.

I watched you watch me tell you that you affected me

My past and my future

How pathetic i must have looked

Look down inhale look right exhale

Repeat until it’s over

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My body aches to be touched

But men have such rough hands

I wrap my hands around the tops of my arms tight

Pressing myself together

Maybe this is how one becomes whole

Intense pressure sealed with tears

My own recipe

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I’m spending my summer growing herbs

And so i sat there

Talking about nothing

To make you feel better

About hurting me.

I told you you were great

And deserved to be ok

Even though i was not ok

Even though i gave you my heart in a little heap of dirt

And asked you to make it grow

And you said you would

But you just dusted off your hands

When i wasn’t looking.