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In the time of Covid

The pandemic has cut us off from our usual comforts and from the way we live and do things everyday. We were caught unprepared, so here we are trying to live our lives in the best way possible.

Silence has been my key to see myself and the world in a deeper light in this trying time. It was in solitude that I started to notice the things that I took for granted – the comfort of our home, the presence of my loved ones, and the stability of my health. In a snap, I became vulnerable to all these things. I struggled to strike a balance between my personal and professional life at home, I lost three relatives whom I love dearly, and I was off-track from my daily routine and distanced myself emotionally from others. However, as we were told, every cloud has a silver lining. With a positive mind, I woke up each day desiring to find hope and to see the good that comes with all these struggles. When we allow ourselves to live each day with a grateful heart and a joyful mind, we give ourselves a peek through a wider lens to see challenges as opportunities. I came to realize that I have been blessed for being able to keep my job and work at home without having to worry about my commute and the safety of my family. I enjoyed knowing more about myself and my family during our small discussions over meals and in time spent doing house chores. I found a schedule that worked for me and allowed me to pursue my passion alongside my responsibilities. I would not have been able to experience all of this on a normal day.

Certainly, the pandemic became an opportunity for me to reflect, rethink, and do things differently. It has strengthened my mind and heart to fight the anxiety that continued to creep in every once in a while. It has taught me ways to grow and strive towards a new and better normal, and filled me with the desire to always find the light in the darkest moments.

I worked on this short text meant to be shared in my workplace but it never got ‘published’. Sayang effort so posting it here instead.

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I pray August is full of good news, blessings and positive vibes.

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REFLECTION : Enneagram

It was my first time to complete an Enneagram personality test. There were two tests where I was categorized as Type 9 in the first one and Type 2 in the second. Types 9 and 2 were very closely related although I classified myself more as a Type 2 :)

There were also two paths for each type: the path of integration and disintegration. Integration refers to your “area of growth” while disintegration refers to your “area of stress”.

To access the first test (14-page; approx. 15-25 mins) go to this link: 

https://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/dotest

To access the second test (52-item; shorter version approx. 5-8 mins) go to this link: 

https://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/test-2 

My Enneagram number is Two.  My strengths lie in being sincere, warm-hearted, generous, and self-sacrificing. I am a natural people-person, genuinely helpful to people sometimes even beyond my personal capacity. I would be committed to put my personal interest last, usually not the center of attention but the people whom I am serving. These traits would have a very positive impact on people by warming their hearts, by making them believe in themselves, and by being unafraid to find their way to success. The love and concern they feel would radiate on my feelings too, thereby paving the way for an environment of mutual trust and understanding.

On the other hand, my negative qualities include self-deception, the tendency to become over-involved in the lives of others, and the tendency to manipulate others to get my own emotional needs met. I constantly have my underlying fear of worthlessness so I strive to do something extraordinary in order to win love and acceptance from others. My positive traits on being completely generous, unselfish and self-sacrificing are unconsciously satisfying my own personal wanting for worthiness. The problem is that “putting others first” makes me secretly angry and resentful – feelings that would be hard to repress or deny. Nevertheless, they eventually show in various ways, disrupting my personal relationships and revealing the inauthenticity of some of my wonderful “others-centered” traits and the depth of my love. This, in turn, could create an environment of mistrust and broken relationships.

 My path of disintegration is Eight. Eights are described to be self-confident, strong, and assertive. They feel they must control their environment especially people and sometimes become confrontational and intimidating. They fear of being controlled by others. When I am acting out under stress and have pushed my natural behaviors to the limit, I tend to be an Eight. I have observed this whenever someone asks me to do something, and I simply find it hard to obey. I do not like being bossed around rather, I tend to be the one making the rules and be in control of the situation whenever I am stressed. I simply dislike being told what to do especially if that is something I have already thought of doing. Likewise, I do not let the opinions of others sway me regardless of how I am aware of what they think of me. I usually just go about my business with a steely determination and defy fear, shame, and concern about the consequences of my actions. I also tend to become uncharacteristically brash and direct which may come off as a shock to people who are used to my caring side. This can be my reminder to self-reflect and re-assess my life to make room for healthy breaks, compose myself and recharge. Surprisingly, some behaviors of Eight can be drawn from the negative qualities of Two. Being a Two, I tend to manipulate others to get my emotional needs met. This somehow explains why I have the aversion to conform and just want to be in control of others and the situation.

On the other hand, my path of integration is Four, the individualist. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal but can also be moody and self-conscious. They maintain their identity by seeing themselves as fundamentally different from others and feel that they are unlike other human beings. More than any other type, Fours are acutely aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies. Having type Four as my area of growth, I tend to be very emotionally honest especially when it comes to relationships. When I am asked how I feel, I do not hold back and just say what I truly feel even if that will create an uncomfortable feeling towards the other person. This behavior helps me to remain true in relationships I involve myself with as I and the other person are able to establish trust in each other. Creating an emotionally safe environment with the people I trust also results to a strong sense of inner security as I feel I am accepted for who I am and not as the image I believe I need to portray. I also get the feeling of being an individualist by doing things on my own, in my own way, and in my own terms. At work, I can say I prefer being an individual contributor rather than a team player because I am more comfortable doing things in my own way by planning independently and completing the task myself. Lastly, being self-aware and introspective, I tend to become sensitive and intuitive both to myself and others. This is when my behavior of being a Four can be rooted to my core personality of being a Two. Since I am sensitive of others’ feelings, I find it easy for me to tend to their needs and to be of help in all ways possible.

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REFLECTION : Life-changing decision

Posting my reflection paper for Leadership here just to remind myself I have gotten far but not far enough char!

Making a big life change is scary. But do you know what’s even scarier? Regret.

          Many times, life tests us with uncertainties where we would find ourselves trying to figure out which path would lead us to our imagined future. However, the process could be grueling because it takes a lot of courage and faith to take charge over a life-changing decision.

         In the lifeline I have created, I consider ending a relationship and entering a new job as my major turning points. These circumstances were plotted in opposite poles in the graph in the same year so I could only imagine the whirlwind of emotions I had that time.

         Ending a relationship with someone who has been my confidant for seven years was not easy for me. The experience made me lose my emotional balance in general but made me come into a realization that I am stronger than I thought I was. The only choices I had was to either stay in the relationship or leave. It was a choice between black or white; left or right. It sounded so easy but it was not. I have loved the person with all that I am and have been emotionally invested in the relationship. That time, I could only imagine my future with him and no one else. He felt home to me as he was my living diary, my support system, and my best friend. However, he wronged me in ways I did not ever expect. The experience bore a hole in my heart and it left me crying in pain as if losing my own battle. I gave myself time to pull myself together and contemplate on my decision. I have always had this reasoning in my head, that in the eyes of true love, you never give up. That time, I believed it was true love so I chose to stay. However, I did not find solace in my decision and the relationship felt different in a negative context. I also felt I was the only one fighting for it. I thought I was happy but the relationship has been emotionally consuming. After some time, we decided to go on separate ways. It was a mutual decision. I can say the decision-making process was tough as I want to stay and leave at the same time. The experience definitely taught me to have courage to face my fears, to stay firm with my decision no matter what, and to always have a peace of mind. Ultimately, time was the truest distance. It took some time to finally accept it was over. During the course of moving on, I was able to reconnect with friends, learn new skills, and improve and love myself more.

           Starting a new job is the second life-changing decision I have made. For four years, I have worked for the leading pharmaceutical products manufacturer in the Philippines where I have met new colleagues who have turned into family. It is the same company where my mom has also been working for more than 30 years, so indeed, it was close to my heart. It was not a question that I have felt the sense of belongingness and security in the company. Not to mention, the values of the company are aligned with the values I live by. But as I grew older, I also felt the urge to seek more challenges, broaden my knowledge, and acquire new skills. So, I applied for a service-centered multinational company and I was grateful that I got in. Then again, I found myself torn between staying or leaving. That time, my current company has always been my comfort zone. However, the familiarity got the best of me. I could run on autopilot on a typical day mainly because I am so accustomed to my daily responsibilities. For me, there was no room for growth. I have also felt the lack of support from my superior which made me feel frustrated and demotivated. When I got accepted in the company I applied for, I felt the need to step back for a while to think through all the possibilities and weigh the pros and cons. Then came the time that I have fully decided to accept the new job for the main reason that I wanted to grow and step out of my comfort zone. Now, it has been three years since I made that decision and I am grateful that I have decided to take a leap of faith and trust my guts. I now constantly find myself in challenging situations which make me grow professionally. If I had not taken that step, I felt I could have regretted it in some way. However, I cannot say that is 100% true as we can never tell what the future holds.

            Everything in life is a decision, no matter small or life-altering it can be. We just have to take full responsibility of it and its consequences to avoid regrets. Being the risk-taker that I am, I personally do not fear making a huge decision for myself, but I always see to it that it is aligned with my core values and personal beliefs. It also helps when I seek advice from the people I trust but it all boils down to me as I am the sole person responsible of my life. 

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Sunday or Monday

Heya, it's been a while.

Here I am finding myself spontaneously typing on Tumblr. Who uses Tumblr nowadays? 🤷‍♀️ I bet the new generation aint got a clue 😥

So yeah, it's still Sunday night on my mind but it's technically Monday morning and I cannot sleep. I usually get this iffy-offy feeling when Monday is approaching because I hate to go back to work. I can't stress the hate that much because I am thankful for my job but for the past months it has really been hard for me to stay on track. I'm like 3% motivated. I mean, haaaalp I'm losing juices right here 😅. I usually talk to my boyfriend and friends about it but it is in no way helping me now. At first, of course it did but I kept hearing my same old stories about work. Sakit na sa tenga! Haha I could have scrolled through LinkedIn to save my ass instead of blabbering. Pero nasuyod ko na ang LinkedIn, kahit dandruff wala akong nakuha 😆 It's hard getting a new job nowadays especially with this pandemic going on. It's equally hard to settle for something you are not passionate about. Hayyy, how I have always admired those people who really know what to do with their lives and found their passion at an early stage. Yes, I like things and doing some things but I kinda feel like I don't have anything I am soooo passionate about. In my current job, I am treated as 'tenured' in our team. I can also say I'm good at my job but I don't have the burning desire to become better. I'm tired dealing with issues, answering emails, receiving client requests, doing things on my own, deciding on my own, executing almost everything on my own, creating problems on my own, and dealing with them ON MY OWN. There's no question that I got really independent and learned the knacks of things the hard way. I've had my fair share of deviations which led me to a depressing stage last year 😅 (please add school and health stress). Also, I started my MBA journey on Sep 2019 and had to multitask exhaustively. Working in the morning and studying and attending classes at night/on a weekend made me value the importance of time management. Not to mention, the Makati traffic is the baddest b*tch! I once walked from P. Burgos to Rockwell which is roughly a 15 min briskwalk just to make it to my 6PM class. I have no issues with walking except that I was not wearing shoes made for it and was carrying my huge backpack with my laptop. Wishing I won't get held up/stabbed is another because Kalayaan is so quiet and kinda dark. Anyway, I also got frustrated when I was not able to workout anymore. :( I paid 33k for the annual membership but I was slowly finding less time to attend the classes. I'd rather date my boyfriend to keep me sane whenever I get free time or don’t have free time lol because I love him so much and am so fond of him. Hahaha mema

Bye. Antok na me. Until next Sunday

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People are more what they hide than what they show. —via https://ift.tt/2eY7hg4

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Humanity should be our race. Love should be our religion.

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♡

-batb

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https://www.instagram.com/thepersonalquotes/

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