thisismeblog7491-blog

[thisismeblog7491-blog]

Can I say having mental illnesses on top of being with someone who apparently doesn't understand emotion is so hard.

When we first got together almost 13 th ye as r ago emotions came easy and he knew when my world was shattering but lately it's like a wall and he can't seem to know when I can't handle things going on around me.

I have these god forbid anxiety attacks where there is like an elephant on my chest and I cant breathe amd they have been bad lately amd all he can say is either your fine or we come in this store all the time there is no difference or go take your meds and I say it will knock me out and mind you we have a 6 year old together and I would say if I am knocked who would take care of our child. He would say we will figure it out. Like there is no let me hold you help you breathe pr even hold your hand. Or hey your ok I am here how can I help you like nothing .

He swears he can't understand emotions and he is lost when people cry. He is adhd and possibly autistic but was never diagnosed. Also he is trans and I cant seem to win for trying to talk to talk tf to him.

I tell him we need to communicate and if we can't we can go to my thearpist. We both have them but he doesn't want to go to go to a session together.

I just dont know with how maniac I get

Or how depressed i can get

Or how bad my anxiety attacks are

If I can keep on with not getting the love and support I need

Who know what the next page in this life story Is

[thisismeblog7491-blog]

As I layed my head on my pillow tonight with all the crazy still going on...

I cant help but realize how much my anxiety is at it's worse right now

Then realizing how much I miss my grandparents and the fact that they wont be at my wedding

To watch me walk down the aisle, to having a few first dances with them as a married woman

I miss the phone calls when my world is crashing around me

Grief is weird some days everything is fine and the next your crashing

Tonight is the night I am crashing hard and I feel like I am drowning in emotion.

Wish you guys where here....

I need you guys so bad and it kills me that you guys are here.

9 years later Grandmom and it hasn't gotten any easier

3 years later Pop-Pop and it hasn't gotten any easier.

This hurts so much tonight.....

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I am missing the way we used to be.

So close and so madly in love.

Cuddled the nights away.

Made love by moonlight.

Ate nachos as the sun was rising.

The way you kissed me more than a peck.

The way you held my hand everywhere we went.

The way you said I love you.

The way we where never apart.

Cuddles while we watched movies.

Just consumed in each other.

Missing the way it used to be.

I loved you then and I am still in love with you now.

But I miss the way our love used to be.

[thisismeblog7491-blog]

Let's talk about being an ally

If you read the title of this post you will see where I am headed with this. If you dont support this community then hop off my page.

Can I just talk about the other side of transgender individuals for a minute. Yes they go through alot for who they where meant to be but no one thinks about their spouses or partners.

My soon to be husband come October of this year is transgender. I have been with him for 13 years come July. I have been there through every stage.

From female for the first half of our relationship (2007) to when he decided he wanted to be a man cause that is all he every felt he was. He started testosterone in December of 2016.

I watched everyday after that first shot, watched him slowly become more manly. From the voice that I had listened to for 9 years go completely deep and so unrecognizable. To watching his body become less lady like.

In the summer month of July 2017 I watched him get his first surgery done. I watched them wheel him back and know when he came out after surgery their would be more more boobs. After surgery he came out looking like who he was aiming for and who he was set out to be. He finally started to look like a man and his confidence soared.

In june of 2019 you had everything legally changed over. All the important legal documents now said your real name and everything connected to you was Male. You smiled so big that day and I knew you where so proud of how far you have come and I was excited to be there for this major milestone. He then had his hysterectomy in 2019 I do believe and we watched him grow more into the man he is aiming for.

Now its 2020 and in September we embark on another step in your journey and head for your bottom surgery consultation. Know I am here supporting you every step as I have been with you through it all.

Come October 2020 we will be husband and wife and as it is looking within our first year of marriage I will be adjusting to you having surgery and us being in two different states till you can come home after surgery. We will be apart for at least a month if not more.

Can I just say us who are partners to transgender individuals, it is the hardest stuff I think I will ever face.?

I know he is nervous and scared as well I mean shoot its major surgery.

Know that once this surgery date is set in stone I will be a wreck. Know that if I snap I dont do it on purpose.

Knowing I cant be there while he is up there because we have a son together and i have to be here for him will be the so hard to know he is in pain and needs me. Wish i could help more but know i will have things handled here.

Keep him in your prayers for this next chapter in his life and making him completely on who he wants to be will be the chapter we need the most prayers.

Pray for him first and foremost for comfort peace and no pain and no stress.

Pray for me cause I am scared to death for him.

Pray for our son as he is still to little to know why daddy will be gone and why he cant wrestle with daddy.

Pray for our marriage since this surgery will happen within the first year of our marriage.

Pray for peace that surpasses all understanding.

Pray for comfort because we both will need it .

Just stand with me and let me write on here how things are.

This will be one of the most challenging yet rewarding chapters of our lives to date.

[thisismeblog7491-blog]

1/4/2020

2 months to go and you will be 6.

4 months and you will be 31.

6 months and I will be 29.

6 months and we will have been together for 13 years.

8 months till the beginning of your bottom surgery with the consultation appointment.

9 months till we finally become husband and wife.

This year is about alot of first, and we wont stop here.

We are ready to take 2020 head on and we will get through each thing and event together as a family.

[thisismeblog7491-blog]

December 17 2019

Christmas is almost a week to the date away. There is still wrapping that has to be done, packing and getting what food we may need.

This will be the longest trip my family has been on and we will be starting in Maryland and ending in Tennessee. 2 1/2 hours to Maryland to see my parents Christmas Eve and then the day after Christmas on 12/26/2019 we will conquer a 10 hour car ride to see my brother and his family.

I am also trying to manage lists and making sure my family has everything that we may need.

Also trying to keep my cool this Christmas season and going for this surgery next year.

[thisismeblog7491-blog]

So it is the 4th of december and watching Christmas movies while I do laundry.

Tailin'Jai is in school and zander is fast asleep.

Christmas is three weeks away and I am so excited to see Tailin'Jai face when he opens his presents this year.

Also excited to go to Tennessee to see my brother and his son hopefully if it all works out.

There is something though that is heavy on my heart though.

Dating, engaged or married to someone who works at amazon you give up everything right along with them.

They are tired and pulling over 100 hours in two weeks just so everyone can get their packages for Christmas.

Yes I feel bad for them.

Think for a minute while they are pulling all these hours their loved ones are home raising and taking care of their family on their own.

My fiance has been with Amazon for 5 years and these last 5 years have been tough.

Many nights he is gone and I am home taking care of what I can take care of.

Around the holidays I wish he was home more so we can spend time with our son together but it is what it is.

I support him and all he is doing for our family and supporting us while I cant work but it so hard.

I miss him alot most nights and so does our son but this is the season where he is gone alot.

Also being in a relationship whether dating Engaged or married with someone who is transgender it makes things challenging yet rewarding.

They will be tired and they are fighting what battles they have in their head.

Be supportive and loving as they become who they where meant to be.

This is also the season that my depression hits the hardest. With my grandparents passing each holiday doesnt get easier.

I pass on all our family traditions to my child but it brings back all those memories of my grandparents.

Between his job and his transition, my depression and anxiety it's been a hard few months.

I am slowly loosing it emotionally over every little thing but in due time I will break. I will always pick myself up and keep on going but this is the season that I always want him and all the cuddles.

Hope yall have a very merry christmas and squeeze your fee family tighter as some of us either military or people in my shoes dont see their loved ones often.

[thisismeblog7491-blog]

Welcome

I will be trying this again

This time in video

Going to discuss what makes me well me.

My life, my experiences, my downfalls, my Joy's, my bad days, and whatever else I feel like discussing that day.

Just know some stuff you may not like and I am not here to get your approval or anything from anyone.

If you have nice things or opinions or topics you think I should address well please speak up.

This will be real and this will be raw.

Video 1 will be tonight after I get my little in bed :)

Much love