thisism3mywordsthoughts

[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

10/26/23

Man as I sit up late at night I just wonder what the fuck I’m doing wrong to be treated like this from a kid. I mean damn I sit here and try to do everything I can to Kane her happy but that’s not the case. She’s been lying straight to my face and doesn’t even care when she does it. Idk what to do it just sucks. Pretty soon grace is gonna go back to work and then she won’t ever really have highschool around to do stuff like we do now. It’s gonna kinda suck I liked coaching and all that stuff but I’m not gonna put my time and effort into it if she doesn’t want anything to do with it. Man there are times when I really wish I had my Uncoe Freddie or my grandpa here to talk to about all this. Being a parent is so hard and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m just gonna keep working my ass off and try to do the best I can. Tomorrows gonna suck I have to call my manager and tell them that I’m not gonna be able to pay the rent until the 16th. I’m nervous because I’ve had so many problems with the manager it’s not even funny. I’ve been here for so long too so I don’t get why she just wants to give me problems. I just hope that it’s okay because there is no way I can pay it right now. So fingers crossed. Man life is never easy and nor will it ever be easy. I’ve tried to write my bros friend to get his number and I haven’t got it. I wonder what he’s doing I miss him just sucks that’s how he felt about me. After everything I did for him and all the stuff I sacrificed like wow I just can’t believe it. But that’s life I guess. It’s been a year since I’ve talked to him it’s the longest we’ve gone without talking since our mom died in 2015. Just sucks all my friends don’t really hangout anymore either. But I guess that’s what growing up is all about right. Just can’t wait to get everything situated and be financially comfortable and all that. Just got to keep pushing I got this!!!

[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

7-26-20

Well been a long ass time since I wrote on this. Man has a lot changed since I wrote last in a good way and in a bad way as well. It’s like 1:45 in the morning. So on 7/13/20 my bro told me when I woke up that he was gonna move to Virginia, he’s been thinking about this for a while. I didn’t think he was gonna do it so soon or actually do it, he got a job at amazon out there and had to be there by Thursday morning. So he woke me up on Monday saying he was gonna leave that day. Well I ended up calling off of work and spending time with him before he was gonna leave. He ended up getting a flat tire before he could leave, and by this time it was like 6:30 almost 7 so all the tire shops were closed. So he stayed until Tuesday morning. It was cool spending the last night with him here, super glad I called out. It was crazy it took me a while to not be sad that he was gone. But man this is for the better and I know it. I just can’t believe that I am actually on my own for once. I haven’t been alone in my life really since I was like 18. So this is all gonna be a new thing for me. It’s gonna be a fun and exciting thing tho. He got out to virgina on that Thursday morning, he actually got to take his time going out there because his drug test got pushed back until Saturday, then it got pushed back until Monday. He filed for unemployment before he left and to his luck he got the money basically right as he got out there. So I think honestly that all of this was meant to be. He didn’t even have to take a drug test like he thought he would, since he was a transfer it was super simple. It’s just crazy how this all worked out and we had no idea if it would or not. He drove all the way across the country in a 2006 Mercury Milan and it was pretty beat up lol. His check engine light came on twice but it turned off, he got so lucky. Still can’t believe it it blows my mind, it was his first time driving on a road trip and he did it alone and all the way across the county, crazy shit!!!! It’s pretty crazy, my dog has been going nuts because she knows my brother is gone. She ate through my brothers door when I left her in there when I was at work. So I have been leaving her in a crate and she ate the whole bottom plastic platform so that was cool. I just want her to chill out that’s all. It’s sucks tho I’ve been trying everytbing I’ve spent more money on her then myself lately, so many different treats and all that. I even got a camera for her so I can see what’s she’s doing and be able to talk to her. Pretty crazy, it’s like I have a kid. I’ve been trying to run with her every night I work so she gets into a habit but that doesn’t even work. She’s just really stressed and it sucks. So we will see how it goes this week. I put the crate in my room instead of my brothers old room. So we will see what happens, she’s been sleeping in it lately so I’m hoping she likes it now. Last week I like barely worked because I was so worried about her.

[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

4-22-20 Quarantine Day #37

Well I’m Still not back to work and man I must say I kind of really like it. It’s been nice being able to do things that I’m never able to do, so many things around the house that I got to clean and get rid of. I’ve had a shit ton of yard work I’ve also had to do so I’ve some what kept busy around the house since this quarantine. But man I can’t believe it’s actually been this long that I’ve been quarantined it’s been a little over a month. Done a shit ton of thinking as well. There are some things that I really regret with my grandpa, and it really sucks. I really should have spent more time with him when I knew that he was as sick as he was. I’ll mever forget watching him die right in front of me. It’s something that just wow, it really hurt. My cat died the same week he died and when I saw my cat die it was like nothing because I just saw one of the most important people in my life. I mean he taught me everything it’s really sad I didn’t ever get to tell him how I truly felt. I really hope he knows that he was my dad and he did a great job raising me. I loved him so much but man I did a terrible job of showing it. He told me to call him more often and I was dumb and didn’t ever really do it. Even when him and I would talk it was still pretty short but man I wouldn’t trade those conversations for the world. Christmas I was happy that we at least got with him. I was so happy he got to see the family together and be with us all. Wasn’t short after that he passed away. I miss him every single day. I can’t wait till one day when I see him again. I don’t know when I’ll get over the fact that he’s not here anymore. Well I’m sure every time I rant my grandpas going to come up. He was my hero and I really hope he knew that. He was a super hero and I wish he was still here. Well today the girl I’ve been talking with ended with me. But her and I aren’t dating or we weren’t dating, we were just fooling around. So I’m actually happy for her and I really hope everything works out with her ex. She seems really happy so I hope it works out. Her name is jay, I really want an Asian chick now I think they are so sexy. But we will wait and see I don’t think I’m gonna really date anyone. The last two girls I’ve talked to I didn’t want to date. I guess my last love really made me show what I really don’t want, which is for sure a good thing. I just really wanna one day get a wife and kid and be happy tho that’s a big deal too. Well I would write a lot more but I’m pretty tired it’s about 4am right now as I’m writing this. I had a good day today went to sams club then went to my homie Anthony’s and had some Korean bbq and then watched a movie. Didn’t do a lot but it was nice to get out of the house finally. Since I mever do lately with all this corona virus stuff going on. Alright we’ll tumblr talk to you guys later today. Time for me to go to sleep!!!

[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

4-2-20 quarantined day #17

Well today wasn’t such a bad day. I’m still not back to work and it’s crazy that we have been off for this long. This virus is a crazy thing, I never would have thought that I would go through something like this. I’ve just been trying to stay at home and not really go out in public. Only going to the store once a week and not really leaving the house unless I need to. Good news basically the girl I thought might have been pregnant jay she isn’t. She’s still trying to work things out with me tho. Tells me everything is gonna be different if I just give it another chance. She’s so crazy but for some reason I still like her, it took me a lot to get where I am with her now. I do have a lot of fun with her but damn she’s so crazy. I guess we will have to wait and see what happens. So since I wrote on here before these last couple of days a lot of stuff has happened. January the start of my year was horrible. For some reason I always have bad beginnings to the years. Well this year all in one week, my best friend Scott left, he moved to North Dakota. It really sucked because the last two months he lived in Cali he lived with me, it was legit having my best friend around all the time. I was really sad when he left things just didn’t seem normal. Well that same week on January 9th my grandpa died. I got a phone call on the 8th when I was at work that I needed to come to the hospital, that my grandpa was in bad shape. He went to the hospital that day to get everything checked on. He was really sick tho I went over to their house that week and he was just laying there sick as hell miserable as hell. He caught the flu and it was really messing him up because his immune system was so weak. That night was probably the hardest night of my life. I remember the drive From my work to home I drive so fast. There was so many things going through my head. I didn’t want to not be there when he was alive and then he did or something . I watched him die right in front of me. I thought for a second nothing was gonna happen they night he was gonna be fine and he was gonna get sent home in the next couple of days. Well he flatlined for 6 minutes before I even got there. He somehow managed to survive for another 2 or 3 hours. They took him to icu where he was finally laid to rest. It was so sad I don’t even know how to explain it. He was my everything and he was such a strong man. He was just lifeless next to me. I’ve mever watched anyone I loved so much die in front of me. I hope people don’t have to experience that, it’s one of the hardest things you have to go through. He was my dad he raised me since I was 7 and taught me everything I know. I don’t know what I would be without him. He was such an amazing man and he always had my best interest in heart. He was always there for me. I regret so much not hanging out with him the last couple of year’s he was sick. Like why didn’t I. I just pushed it aside and made friends and stupid girls more important. There’s so much of it I regret. I hope he knows I loved him so much and I regret not calling him more or spending more time with him. I’ll write more on this tomorrow. I can go on and on but that’s enough for tonight I’ve already wrote a lot. I miss my grandpa so much. I think about him everyday and I am so sorry my grandma has to go through this. I love you grandpa I hope your looking down and are so proud of me up there.

[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

3-29-20

Well this world right now is crazy. I don’t even know where to begin. We are all quarantined here in so cal right now because of the corona virus. This is gonna be something I’m never gonna forget because of how much it’s affecting all of us. I think the way things are going the economy is going to crash, so that’s gonna suck. Everything is pretty much shut down only the necessity places are open right now. Things like toilet paper, paper towels, anything anti bacterial, frozen foods, canned foods, water bottles, and basically anything you really need. People were panic buying, it got to the point where they open at certain house for seniors because there isn’t anything left. When I go to the store it says on all the stuff limit one per family, I just never would have thought you know. This is the second week that I’ve been off of work. These last two weeks I’ve been getting paid but after this I’m not gonna really be making anything. Only 70 percent of my base pay, which is hardly nothing but I guess it’s better then being laid off. I don’t know whah to do maybe go get another job for the time being or something. One of my good friends Anthony went and got another job for the time we aren’t working, and we are all filling for unemployment. I’ve mever not had a job, I’m not gonna lie tho I’m really enjoying being off. Getting so much stuff done. Alright well I took a sleeping pill I’ll write more on this when I wake up.

[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

3-31-20 Quarantined day #15

So many things going through my head so late at night or early in the morning. I’m sitting here at 4am wanting to just write away. There’s so many things I want to get out about everything going on in my life. I wish sometimes that my life was just simple, but then again I guess that’s what makes my story so unique. The girl I’ve been talking to for the last two months her name is jay, she thinks she might be pregnant. But I have no idea if I should believe her or not because she is so crazy. I woke up the other day to 40 something texts and about 15 missed called after we broke up. She disrespected me so many times, I let it slide so many times too tho. I couldn’t handle it anymore tho she did it too much. She answered the phone from her ex boyfriend when I was laying in bed with her right next to her. That pissed me off so much, and then she just wanted to keep talking to this other guy. I was over it she just wanted attention from other guys. Now that we are broken up she wants me back and said she realizes how good of a boyfriend I was. But man if she is pregnant I have no idea what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna man up and do the best I possibly fucking can. I can say that I am kinda honestly scared because if she is, she isn’t the right girl to have a kid with and that’s for damn sure. Her and her current baby daddy don’t even talk to each other so I could only imagine why they don’t. She threatened to also call the cops on my twice in one day for no reason but because she wasn’t getting her way, said she was gonna tell them I had coke. So funny tho she’s so immature for her to do that. Since I last wrote on her so much more has happened. My grandpa died and I still don’t know how to handle it or feel about it. So many things that I see or think about makes me think of him and miss him so much. There’s so much regret I have about not being with him more often, or going fishing with him as often as he wanted me to with him. I always put it off and I know I shouldn’t have especially with how bad of shape he was In. I know my grandma is getting so lonely too tho and I feel bad. I’m just trying to deal with this too. But I’m dealing with it dumb. I think this quarantine thing is just driving me kinda crazy just like everyone else. This is quarantine day number #15. I’m gonna try to make sure I write on this every night. This being locked in the house and not really being able to go many places, really makes you think. I guess it’s a good and a bad thing. But for me I just don’t know there’s so many feelings and emotuons that I feel like I need to get out. I hate that I’ve been staying up so late because I’m just worried about things. I don’t know what’s gonna happen with all this and I’m really worried about it. Well I think that’s all for tonight. I watched so much all American damn it’s a good show. Watched it for like 2 hours 45 min straight, I’m so surprised I actually paid attention to it. I think I’m gonna try to stay off my phone more and watch shoes and things like that. No reason to be glued to my phone honestly. Alright good night tumblr.

[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

Tainaron Blue Retreat by OIKADE DESIGN \\ MFL

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Frozen | Photographer | CV

[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

my happy place 

Hermosa Beach by Marion Michele

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[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

1/14/18

It really sucks when you want something but it just doesn’t happen. There seems like there is always something in the way. Man girl situations really suck most of the time, I really wanna pursue this one girl but man certain things I’m just like wow. It seems like she just wants to get drunk every other night, and then when she does get drunk she doesn’t text me or even talk to me. There must be something wrong with me that the girls I’m with don’t wanna text me when they are fucked up. I guess it’s just something I have to deal with. I think that I’m just gonna stop trying because what’s the use. I really don’t think this is gonna go anywhere I think it’s gonna crash and burn like it has so many times before. I just don’t think we are truly meant to be together. I really like her and her kid but damn I’m giving up everything if I really do this. Here I am texting my ex too because there is just something familiar there. Vanessa doesn’t make me feel secure and safe with her Kyrstin did that for me. I just have to let it go I was doing so good for a whole month. Then I find out that my grandpa is gonna have open heart surgery and that just fucking ruins me inside. If I lose my grandpa this year I’m gonna lose my mind it’s only been 2 3 years since my mom died, I can’t handle my dad basically dying. I guess I just need to go with the flow of life and whatever happens happens. I need to stop texting girls so much I need to stop caring. I literally need to be a fucking dick that’s the only way I won’t get hurt or let down. I hate that I’m so nice I need to just fucking stop. I guess I don’t know if I’ll ever find a girl who can handle my dumbass, one day I will. Maybe it’s time for me to get up and move out of here there isn’t anything for me here. Another state would be such a great start to a new beginning, I guess when my friend gets out of the military we will see where everything goes. I’m hoping we all end up in Colorado together, I love California but I don’t know if I can do it anymore. My grandma even asked me if I wanted to move to Laughlin because I could transfer jobs and everything. I don’t know I think this year is really gonna be the decision maker in everything and once my dad gets out. I think I’m gonna start distancing myself from Vanessa. There isn’t any reason to get closer to jus get let down, it’s just weird idk how I feel about all of this. I’m working my ass off so far this week gonna try and make sure that I work my ass off this year and make something so I can pay off all this debt and start fresh and new. I just need my little bro to do something and that would really help me out. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I really think I’m done with this and Vanessa. Don’t like having a girl who lives in another city and I only get to see barely at all. Only way we talk is if I message her but yet she posts so much on snap and all that. Doesn’t wanna talk to me when she’s drunk or nothing. She made me feel really good when I was with Kyrstin but now it’s like she doesn’t care. I don’t know I guess I just honk a lot about shit that I shouldn’t really. But that’s how I am. Stay tuned maybe this year it’s time to get out of here and start new. Well this is my first rant of the year. Good first rant of the year. Gonna try and make sure I do this a little more often since it makes me happy.

Sincerely......

[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

1/11/18

This year I’m gonna try and make sure not to worry about the small things. My first writing of the. Ew year and I can say this year started out a lot better then most years have. I got to fly to Maryland to watch my best friend get married. We stayed there for 5 days, it was the most fun I have had in a long time. It went by really fast but it was awesome, really good to see my best friend be so happy. He was my brother in highschool so it was a trip to see him get married. I know their marriage is gonna be very happy and successful. I even did a speech at his wedding, I said it a little too fast but all well it’s over with now lol. I also walked down the aisle a little too fast because I was buzzed damn alcohol even asked the girl I was walking with if it was too fast and she said yeah kinda. I’m finally talking to a new girl and it’s crazy because she has a kid that loves me. I have only hung out with him twice but him and I always have a great time hanging out, he’s 3. I just really hope this time around with her she doesn’t break my heart. Her name is Vanessa I have been wanting to date her since my freshmen year so it’s like my dreams are finally coming true. I don’t want it to end with I knew it was too good to be true you know? I want to believe it but maybe I should just not get my hopes up just in case this all doesn’t work out. She has been talking to me about moving in and all of that tho so I guess I just have to wait and see where it goes. She talks to me about getting married and all that, finally a girl who is all about me and wants the same things I do. I’m so over going out to the clubs and doing all that I want a wife and kid I can come home too every night and that would all be possible with her. Well tonight is gonna be my first night back to work in like 12 days. Time to go make that money again, I really need it. Being broke sucks that’s for sure. I guess as long as my bills are paid that’s all that matters right. Well I’m gonna try and write more this year since I haven’t been writing very much.

[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

11/18/17

Another day in the life of me done. Today was an alright day can’t really complain. Got some good news the other day that my dad might be getting out a couple months early, so that means maybe around February he would get out. That means I need to start working all my hours and saving money so I can be comfortable paying for stuff for him for a little while. Damn sometimes my life trips me out. I can’t wait till one day when I’m actually taken care of after all the taking care I have done of other people. Providing for my mom and brother and then now dad has never been easy, but it’s my family and I love them and am gonna do anything I can to make life better for everyone around me. That’s what I always want I love when I make people around me happy it makes me happy. Crazy my girlfriend and I have actually been talking about having a kid!!!! Finally!!! Just out of no where it really seems like she changed her mind about it and would be okay with having a kid now after 5 years of us being together. Her and I have had our ups and down but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I just hope everything will turn out the way I want it to. She makes me really happy it’s just the part of making my grandparents and everything accepting of it. I mean her parents are even including me in the moving to Atlanta conversation so that must mean they see something in me for her. That makes me really happy that they see something like that. I want them to know that I love their daughter and I will do whatever I can to make her happy and pleased with her and our life. She means a lot to me and has been there for me through a lot of stuff through my life. Well I’m done for now maybe I’ll write later.

Sincerely......

[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

10/29/17

You know life is crazy. It really is just when you think you got a hang of it and everything is going good it just does a 360 on you. I was just trying to vent today to my girlfriend and it blew up in my face. I work so hard and I’m just really broke because I live on my own, have a shit ton of bills, and provide for my little bro. She started a fight with me and told me that I was never gonna make him do anything and we are just going in circles, then she told me that we need to take a break and hung up. Like really what am I dealing with a high schooler, don’t get me wrong I can be super immature at times but really! Didn’t give me anytime to talk or say anything really, so much for communication. I told her to be patient with me and all of this will work out it lasted good like 2 3 weeks and then went back to shit. I really spilled my heart out to her and told her how I felt and that I wanted a family and that she was treating me like shit. She agreed but now why is this happening I just don’t get it. For sure blew it out of proportion for no reason at all, I should be able to go and talk to her about anything without her getting mad. She’s basing our relationship on my what my little bro is doing. How the hell is that fair to me, I know that I have given this relationship so much effort it just sucks to know it might be nothing soon. The other day I got her rose pedals and put them on my bed spelling out I ❤️you with candles all on the bed, I got her a card, candy, chocolate, a pencil for school, and made her a slideshow that took me so long to make. Why do I feel like I did something wrong when I did absolutely nothing wrong, I’m doing good in life. This is just gonna take some time to get out of, but you know what only I can do that is get me out of this. I really hope that everything works out really well when my dad gets out. I’m up so late right now it’s 6am and my ass still isn’t sleeping lol. I should probably stop writing and go to bed. Good night 😴 oh yeah and by the way the World Series between the dodgers astros game 5 was insane. It was 12 to 13 Astro’s won 5hr 17min game!!!!!

[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

10/21/17

A day that changed my life forever two years ago. It still seems like it was yesterday that I got a phone call from my little bro telling me that my mom died. When he told me I couldn’t even believe it I literally just froze in my spot and my chin dropped in disbelief. I didn’t get to say goodbye or anything, my mom was up to no good when she was out in Washington. The last time I saw her in person tho it was great I had some laughs with her, hugged her, told her I would talk to her in a couple days. I just got so mad at my mom for how she was doing out there in Washington, I didn’t even wanna talk to her. She kept getting kicked out of people’s houses and then my bro kept having to live on his own, she never had any money or a job or anything. I don’t know that was a good enough reason for me not to talk to her. I was just so mad at her she could be doing so much more, when she died she didn’t have anything. Nobody was really talking to her, I still have the last voicemail I ever got from her on my phone. Why did my mom have to be a junkie and I was just naive about the situation because I didn’t wanna think my mom was a drug addict. We lost our house and everything because my mom was spending the money on drugs. I still don’t know what caused her to really die and it kills me. Why can’t I talk to her and see why she was doing everything she was doing. Why couldn’t she just communicate with her kids and tell them hey I’m addicted to drugs and I need to stop and I need your help, your the only things that can help me. She always use to tell us she loved having her two sons under the same roof but for some reason that wasn’t enough. That wasn’t enough at all. I just miss her so much. Why did I have to stop talking to her why couldn’t I just be okay with all of that and be accepting of everything that was happening. I should have talked some since into her why didn’t I. There’s a part of me that’s so fucked up inside honestly that just makes me miss her. She was the most open minded caring lady I ever met. She liked everyone, I’m a mommas boy that was my everything even tho she didn’t raise me. There are so many different things I have that remind me of you tho. I have a tattoo with your ashes in it. You’ll never leave me. It’s gonna take me a while to not know how I feel about all of this. I feel everything in the book tho. Well I’m not gonna keep going because I don’t wanna start crying I’ll write again today during the day.

[thisism3mywordsthoughts]

9/27/17

Well tomorrow I finally go back to work. It was so nice having 6 days off, haven't had this long off since June. Man I don't know why I hate my job so much it's just such a draining job sometimes the customers can be complete assholes for no reason at all. There's no other job really that you take people's money with them drinking, sometimes I actually really like the job other times I can't stand it. I have to be very thankful tho I make really good money being a dealer and without this job my house and all of this stuff I have wouldn't be possible. It seems like I'm already dreading going to work sometimes and I've only been doing it for a little over 2 years. All well need to suck it up and just make money and move to where I want to go. My girlfriend sometimes really makes me wonder if I'm actually really important to her. She would never take a day off of work to go do something with me or go out of town but she will take off of wkrk to go out of town with her mom for the day. It's just like wow at what point am I gonna be that important to you where in included in a lot of that stuff or at least asked. She was over here last night and I noticed she changed her wallpaper on her phone I know it sounds dumb, but her best friend and her are everywhere on all of her profiles. You wouldn't even know she was with me if you looked at her profile. Thought cool for once I'm actually being snowed off for being her boyfriend and then what do you know she changes it. Sometimes it's the little things that matter a lot, I try really hard to do those little things for her but idk if it's the same way around. I just wanna know that she wants to one day advance our relationship into marriage or kids or something, because if not we are just wasting our time away. 5 years is a long time it's not just a year or two I mean damn how long you wanna be together for before we get engaged or anything 10 years. Well that's all I'm gonna say tonight I need to get my ass to bed. Good night Tumblr I'll write tomorrow