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[this-isadiary]

How

Do I stop the urge to slam my head into a wall. Nothing is wrong I’m just my own worst enemy

[this-isadiary]

These

Days are getting shorter and they all feel like a blur. Everything is moving faster and faster and shit is flying over my head. The water is at my throat and I’m gasping for air but it’s not like I’m drowning yet. I live w Nathan and Evans and I are back together for real this time. But I’m not the only person he’s ever fucked. I wish I knew everything. Lucky’s management is in the shitter and my track record of hard work ain’t shit to the new leadership. The pay is just barely okay for now and that’s not forseeing new challenges and self improvement. It’s only good for staying where I am. I always feel stuck yet my expectations are still rising. Idk what the end goal is but sometimes I wish the goal was my end.

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I’m such shit company

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evans nvr talks abt his fucking feelings unprompted and it drives me fuckin mad sometimes like tell me what’s going through your heads please or at least anything that pertains to me

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i feeel like i forgot how to read and write and focus and do school work in general so i hope im not stupid now bc all my other skills have gone to shit too.

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j bear gave me a writing prompt

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Go ahead and read this post. See what fucking happens.

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I love ocean

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Feeling shiitttttyyy wassup

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Mother is the first one to give me a scanner/ printer. 

She is also the reason I am interested in photography. She used to record on vhs everywhere we went. That was back in the 90s. But there are countless albums and photos and even film to still be developed; let alone scanned and scrapbooked. Instant film caught my eye but I always aspired to have a collection as large as hers. You get to see a day in the life of our entire family’s childhood. It was precious to me and I wanted to create my own. 

Anyway, when she gifted the Polaroid Onestep and the Instax Mini 8 I immediately looked up the film and ordered it online. That’s where I found The Impossible Project. I was introduced to a whole new side of the very days my mother caught on camera. This company was inspiring and encouraged me to watch a document on Netflix. I can’t recall the name but the word ‘Abstract’ comes to mind. 

It took about two weeks to ship to the house and we got home late the night it arrived. I believe it was a late christmas gift because I’m pictured here, with a reindeer on my sweater. I wanted my mother to take the first photo because she also inspired me, though, I don’t think she knew it. She was being annoying as you can tell by my face and indecent body language. I was growing impatient when she snapped the photo before I decided on a pose. I was happy with it because it was mine to keep; the first of my collection. I was going to be just like her and she was the first to help me begin. But in the moment I was offended so I took the cameras to my room and posted about them on Instagram and Twitter and I think even Facebook too. I wanted everyone to know what I was up to.

So here I am with my used scanner very excited to make some moves. I hope we’re all ready. 

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Haven’t seen that bitch in years

I want to seee my own potential again.

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Here it is:

I want a second job so I can afford to support myself.

I want to move out of terry’s house by the end of august.

I want to finance a car by January of 2020.

I want to either finish getting my AA or start Trade School by August of 2020.

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Mom bought me a planner where I’m supposed to write down all my goals and milestones but I have no clue how to make that shit happen and when I ask for help I get nowhere

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so I

have this crush on a man named Mike Mike and he’s sexy and sweet and I really enjoy his company but I keep finding myself missing Darrius and Evans and then I realized what I really miss is having a genuine strong emotion for literally anything. I really don’t care about anything. This life has exhausted me of the motivation I need to be where I want to be. I thought that once I made a few crucial steps to being a strong independent human that everything else would fall into place. By everything else I mean all the shit that I don’t know how to manifest. Wouldn’t you know it doesn’t work like that. Now I have more responsibility for myself and I’m tired and I have more and more to accomplish but I don’t know how to keep up from this point and NOW? Now I’m lonely and I can’t seem to keep anyone around. I actually need someone to take care of me and I hate it. Why can’t shit just happen

[this-isadiary]

this depression shit really getting in my mf way man