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Ala-una.

O, ala-una na!

Tawa parin ng tawa.

iba ang dulot ng mga kwentong

May enerhiya.

Buhay na buhay,

Walang humpay

Patay!

Patay na patay.

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I don't think I'm going to stop singing anytime soon.

Months ago, I finally agreed to come back to the ministry after numerous excuses.

I was excited at first.. but years of hiding and refusing to sing on stage now presented its consequences.

My insecurities were raging.

Fear and anxiety were creeping in.

But I know in my heart, this is something I loved to do.

So I showed up. Week after week. Refusing to entertain whatever worry and doubt that was starting to build up.

And those feelings only grew bigger when I was tasked to sing during the church anniversary.

NOW, It's been a week since the anniversary, and I don't think I'm going to stop singing anytime soon.

Because as YHWH ( listen on spotify!!!) ended,

I got my Esther moment.

"...And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

Esther 4:14 NIV

It felt right. Everything felt right.

It was the Lord telling me,

"I told you, you were meant to be here."

It was the Lord answering and crushing all my feelings of incompetence and fear of failure.

Thanking our God for his unending grace, allowing me to sing to Him and lead his people.

For being so personal and meeting me right where I'm at.

Standing on stage and singing is still nerve-wracking, still terrifying.

But I won't ever stop because it's always so fulfilling.

My prayer is that my love for the Lord and trust in His word compel me to do exceptional things for Him, just like this:

Onto great things. ✨️

Ps. Grateful to the people who I've opened up to regarding this who have been nothing but supportive — My kalakbays (maki, our COD, My dear ate Cris, my family, and for my ate Che and Kuya Tj.)

- Abi

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I am Saul

1 Samuel 15: The Lord Rejects Saul as King

“9 But Saul and the army spared Agag and the best of the sheep and cattle, the fat calves and lambs—everything that was good.”

I am Saul. 

Saul who moves forward when he thinks it's the right thing to do. Saul who goes ahead when because he thinks that it would be what the Lord would have wanted. Saul who would decide on his own because he thinks that it is good.

I am Saul.

I would think to myself a lot of times, “This is good. I should keep going or keep it going.”

But who am I to differentiate what good and bad is? Who am I decide what is good enough for the Lord?

“29 He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a human being, that he should change his mind.”

I am only human; relenting, dependent, indecisive, unknowing… lowly.

But this God I have, He’s holy. He’s different. He’s indescribable.

Today, may this story be a reminder to me. May I never forget that I am not capable – and never will be, to decide what is best.

May I always put obedience to the Lord in everything.

“22 But Samuel replied:

‘Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices      as much as in obeying the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.’”

Lord, I pray that I may always be reminded that I am nothing without You. That I will only be complete when I am in You. I pray that I may have a strong desire to always obey You –– even when the situation isn’t something I would want or enjoy.

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Thank you for letting me in to your heart and to your life. I have seen you in a whole other way and I am blessed.

I won't miss you because I know that you won't leave.

But I'm gonna miss us.

I will miss how special and how beautiful this is. I will miss thinking of us together in the most mundane of moments — biking in Pampanga, resting my head on your shoulder after a long trip from Subic or even those short trips going home from QC — made me all fluttery and excited.

Mababaw lang 'yang mga 'yan. Marami pa. Pero sa atin nalang yun.

Maki, thank you.

I couldn't have asked for a better first.

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October 27!

Hello, maki! Happy happy birthday!

Sobrang thankful ako to have you. Praying for you always brings me to tears. Hahahahah yie.

I just want to thank you for everything. Totoong-totoo na kasama kita in good times and bad times. Salamat, Maki.

Today, I want to appreciate you for everything that you are.

You’re loving, appreciative, and understanding. Hindi man nila nakikita. But the more I get to know you, the more I appreciate you.

Hindi madami ang tao sa buhay mo. I used to wonder about that. But the more I see how you care about the people in your life, how you love them.. I feel blessed, kasi kasama ako dun.

Maki, you are a blessing. Bukod sa sobrang dami mong alam about things — cars, shoes, clothes, brands, shows, MOTOR hahahah — sa madami mong talents and skills, you have this beautiful heart.

We’re all thankful for you. I am. :—)

p.s. Kinabahan ako bumatiii. Hahahaha hindi ko alam kung bakit. p.p.s. I know how much you love playing and making music. Kaya yan ang photos. 

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Anyway, here's a thank you letter.

Definitely much chipper than my last post, I really wanted to thank the people who were with me for my 19th birthday.

My last post were all my sentiments on the previous events that greatly affected my feelings towards my birthday.

So now, I wanted to appreciate the people who made it extra special! ♡♡♡

I'm gonna start with my ate. Thank you ate for all the gifts!! Hahaha! But most importantly I wanna thank you for making my day special even though u have lots of things in mind. Thank you for arranging our celebration dinner at Victorino's and making sure I felt special on my day. I know I don't tell you much and i'm always masungit, but I appreciate you and I love you so much. I cannot imagine life without you. I'm with you every step of the way.

To my kuya who surprised me on my special day. I know you so much that even without a gift (he gave me my gift 2 days after), just you being there was enough. I know that you hate waiting, you're kind of impatient pero reasonable naman, and you don't talk much. Kaya maman when u asked me what time I was going home and told me "sabay tayo", I really appreciated it. You waited for 2 hrs, with no internet (which u always need!!), and missed your COD kasi you wanted to celebrate with me. Even if it means going home (bulacan) then going back to work (Manila) just for dinner. Thank you so much, kuya. I love you and I look up to you. Sa inyong dalawa ni ate. I love you!

To mama and papa, who I adore and look up to, thank you. Not only for spending so much (hahahaha) but for loving me unconditionally for 19 years. Sa lahat ng klase ng pagkakataon, nandyan kayo parehas. You both keep me sane. Thank you mama and papa for understanding and handling all my breakdowns, outburts, and certain moods, with love and care. Mama, thank you for always giving me the pep talk I need when I'm down. Hindi ka nauubusan ng encouragement. Thank you for praying for me. Palagi. And thank you dahil ikaw na rin ang thesis partner ko. Hahaha! To papa, thank you for believing in me. For giving me attention and appreciating what I do, taking time to ask me how I am and always greeting me with a smile when I wake up kahit madalas ako nakasibangot. Papa, I love you so much and I wanna thank you dahil kahit sobrang busy mo, kami parin iniisip mo and priority mo. Mama and papa, I love you both! Thank you!! Mahal ko kayo parehas ng sobra sobraaaa.

To my cousins, papi & mama len, maraming maraming salamat!!! Mahal na mahal ko kayooo. Kahit I rarely see all of you, thank you for making time for us and sa pagmamahal!!

To my nanay, and sisters sa cod: I love you all!! Thank you ate Nice and everyone for setting up a surprise! Grabe surprise talaga. Thank you for a wonderful year! Madalas man ako m.i.a., saka walang imik sa groupchat, but I appreciate everyone!! Thank you for reminding me of the gift of fellowship. Mahal na mahal ko kayo! ♡♡♡

To Ambie & Jhonlee, special mentionz!!! Thank you so much. Sobra sobra!! Sa dalawang oras halos na magkasama tayong apat, I can't help but to thank the Lord for your lives. Sobrang unexpected eh. Kaya maraming salamat!!! More dates to come!! Mahal ko kayo parehas!! ♡

Now, I want to thank Maki for holding my hand. Its been a year. :---) Your excitement for my birthday, even though I'm mostly sad and hopeless about things made me excited too. Thank you for pushing me to go further, to run the extra mile. But when things go bad, you're also the one who'll tell me "Stop. Okay na, pahinga ka na muna." Maraming salamat sa lahat ng oras. :---) Thank you Maki for making my birthday extra special! ♡

Lord, maraming salamat. For all these people. For making them a part of my life, and for the privilege to be also a part of their lives. Salamat Lord sa 19 years that you have been extremely faithful. Nakakaiyak. Lord thank you for the grace. It has been such a tiring journey. I sometimes don't want to open eyes, bur then I wake up, live out the day,

And there was never a time that I did not feel your love and received grace. ♡

Thank you!!

- A.

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Nineteen.

I look around, and everybody's having a good time. I think. As another celebration for my 19th birthday comes to an end, I thank the Lord for these people.

My family, my little peace of heaven on earth.

I cannot think of a much fitting way to celebrate my birthday -- which is filled of melancholia and nostalgia for the things that I have lost along the way.

Tonight was kind of a conclusion to some things:

(1) I am eternally grateful to these people. I value them more than anything; which amplified the fact that my loss was not as devastating as they seem to be.

(2) A week ago, during the routinary ride home, I suddenly remembered the friends I've lost. I missed them badly, and the feeling lingered, seeping in on my mind, waving at me whenever I see my lonely reflection.

It sucked. It stung. It hurt.

And no matter how I looked at it, it was done. But despite the pain, that train ride was another part of God's way to tell me that he has planned my life from the beginning.

Whether it was good or bad, it was part of the plan. Now, on my part I realized that the loss was a year in the making. All events led up to that separation and ended in an almost complete detachment.

I lost my friends. I lost people who made life bearable. We lost a whole community. My sister broke up with his longtime boyfriend.

Yet, I'm on my way to accepting things. For a year, an invisible mourning switch followed me. Each day, it was waiting for something, even the very littlest of things to flick it on.

It felt like death. And it was mine.

But that one train ride made me realize that the Lord is moving, albeit slowly and inevident, but He was.

"You're not dead, anak. Hindi yun ang katapusan ng buhay. Gumagalaw ako, kinakausap kita. Pakinggan mo Ako."

To make the long story short, I forgot who my God is. What he did, How amazing He was, what He can and will do.

Lastly, (3) I never expected my birthday to be like this. I had many things in mind that my excitement for birthdays, just went away. I cried so much when I realized I would spend my birthday alone. I cried again when I realized that I didn't look forward to my birthday.

It went on for the whole week. Come friday, I went to our youth worship service, and it felt right. I stayed longer than I was supposed to, and it felt right. I belonged. Friends (Cod) surprised me.

I found my home, and it was the best thing.

Surprises, gifts and greetings all around, yet the people behind them triumphs over any of these.

People seem to say that a lot, but for me this time I know it was true.

All in all, my 19th birthday felt the most genuine of all birthdays. It stayed true to its purpose: a coming-of-age event.

A friend of mine have the words "In transit" as his bio in twitter. I always adored how greatly mundane yet so deep it was. And right now, I realized I am too. Everyone is. My 19th birthday helped me accept the bumps and rough roads that I am experiencing. It made me see the beauty of the journey I am taking, just how I enjoy my daily lrt rides.

Because no matter what, the Lord is faithful. Thank you Lord for 19 years. For everything.

Happy birthday, abi.♡

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April 23, 2018.

Sobrang tagos sa puso. Last night I struggled with exactly what this devotional is about: self-centeredness and selfishness.

These two well up from becoming so fixated on our own pain that we become blind with other people's needs.

"Nearly all of us struggle with selfishness and self-centeredness - it’s human nature. When we’re emotionally unhealthy, we tend to be even more self-focused because all we can see is our pain."

Sobrang sakto nakakahurt. But the Word of God offers such an ironic yet so beautiful solution.

Focus on others. Maybe instead of diving in further to what hurt me I should focus on loving other people. On not hurting them and helping them instead.

The people of Israel struggled with self-centeredness too. Their emotional pain and frustration with a promise that's taking too long just lengthened the process and their journey altogether.

Instead of trusting God and obeying Him, they worked everything out from their pain. Blinding themselves to what really mattered.

And ako sila, exactly. Masyado akong nakatingin sa puso kong basag and leaving all these people kasi nga, I'm not okay. But the Lord is telling me, "Anak there's more to people than just side characters in your life. They need you, too. And this life is not just all pain. Napakaganda ng buhay. Open your eyes. Love the people around you. You'll heal. And they will, too."

Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.

Isaiah 58:8 NIV

Thank you, Jesus.

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a comic about temporary love

webcomic

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lucid dreaming

Tingin sa kaliwa. Sa kanan.

Bakit maingay?

Pinansin ko ulit ang paligid ko. Bakit ako nandito?

Habang hinihintay ko na bumalik ang memorya ko, at sagutin ang mga tanong ko, nakita kita. Nakita ko rin ang sarili ko.

Nakasakay tayo sa jeep. Kaya pala maingay!

Patuloy ang pagbukas ng bibig mo habang nakatingin ako sa kawalan at ninanamnam ang paligid at ang hangin.

Hindi ka masaya. Parang problemadong problemado ka habang tinatawanan lang kita.

Nabaliktad ata ang mundo? Saka ko napagtanto, nanaginip pala ako.

Pinanuod ko lang tayo. Halatang naririnig kita pero hindi kita pinakikinggan. Habang punong puno na ng pag-aalala ang mga mata mo, at rinig ko na ang basag sa boses mo, wala akong imik. Bumaliktad nga ata ang mundo, at inalog-alog pa.

Tayo nalang ang tao nun sa jeep. Kaya wala ka nang pakialam kung medyo tumaas ang boses mo.

Pinagmasdan ko ang sarili ko. Tinitigan ko ang mga mata ko. Walang buhay.

"Huy, hindi mo ba ako sasagutin? Titignan man lang?"

Nilingon kita sabay sabing, "Oh? Ano ba kasi sinasabi mo? 'San mo ba yan nakukuha?" Tapos nginitian kita.

Tumahimik ka. Bumuka ang bibig mo, parang may gustong sabihin, pero tumahimik ka nalang ulit. Pero katulad ng lagi mong ginagawa, tumingin ka sa kawalan. Taas, baba, kanan o kaliwa, basta kung saan mo pwedeng iiwas ang mga mata mo.

Ilang segundo lang ang lumipas. Panaginip nga talaga 'to! Dahil matapos ang ilang segundo nagsalita ka ulit.

"Hindi ka na tumatawag. Pilit na pilit ka narin kung sumama sa akin. Ang hirap mo na hagilapin. Hindi ka na masyadong nagkukwento. Tahimik nalang tayo. Hindi mo narin ako matignan sa mata," huminto ka para huminga.

"--ayaw mo na ba sa'kin? Wala na ba?"

'Di kita nilingon agad.

Nanaginip ako pero naramdaman ko ang gulat. Dahil kung totoo man ang nangyayari, sa nagsisimula palang siguro ng monologue mo, pinatigil na kita.

Sinabi ko na siguro na,

"Uy, hindi ah."

Pero dito, wala. Wala din namang tayo sa panaginip na ito. Tulad parin tayo kung ano tayo ngayon. Magkaibigan.

Kaya hindi ko malaman, bakit nagtatanong ka?

Unti-unting bumabagal ang jeep.

Sa wakas ay humarap narin ako sayo. Tinignan kita at sinabing, "Pagod na ako, bukas nalang".

Hanggang sa tuluyan na itong huminto.

Bumaba ako ng jeep. Sayang, ang ganda pa naman sana ng panahon.

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today's realizatioooon

Sabi ng isang pastor, "Life after salvation is just bonus".

Kanina, I remembered you.

At dahil lahat bonus, masasabi kong "You are one of the greatest bonus that I have in my life."

Even though you aren't mine.

Isa kang biyaya, na pakiramdam ko ay ipinahiram lang ng Panginoon.

Ngayon masasabi ko ng buong puso, nagpapasalamat ako at nakilala kita ng ganito. Isang bagay ang sigurado ako, kakaiba ang pagmamahal ko sayo.

Handa na rin akong pakawalan ka, kung sabihin ng Diyos na hindi talaga.

Salamat! Mahal na mahal kita.

:---)

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Every word has consequences. Every silence, too.

Jean-Paul Sartre, The Selected Essays (via fyp-philosophy)

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to the heavy-hearted tonight:

there are so many good sunsets and late night chats and great brunches ahead of this.

stay here. i need you.

you have so much to offer the world. dont kid yourself. this funk- itll pass.

but you wont.

you are full of so many brilliant shades of colors the world needs to see.

and its okay if you dont see that tonight, if you dont feel it. because i see it in you. so dont turn off your light. keep living. keep surviving. keep fighting.

you’re worth it.

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God with us.

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