thinkingandoverthinking

[thinkingandoverthinking]

Window Shoppers guilt

Today I went to an art book store in Culver City to look through some of the photography books. After aimlessly browsing through the shelves, I remembered a photo book that was of interest to me: How to dance the Waltz by Michal Chelbin. I asked the clerk at the front desk if it was available, and he directed me to the shelf where it stood. I flipped through it and snapped some photos of the photographs that I liked, but ultimately decided that the contents of this book were not worth the price. I returned it to its’ original location and headed out.

On my way out, the clerk stopped me to ask about the book. I told him I might come back for it at another time, and he reassured me with a response similar to “ah ok just asking.” Yet, as I walked to my car, the feeling of guilt crept up; my mind was inundated with feelings of judgment from the clerk and pounded with the question: why did I ask for a specific book only to end up not buying it? I had broken an unspoken social rule in this interaction. Typically, if you’re looking for a specific item, nine times out of ten, you intend to buy that item. The clerk asking me about my intentions to purchase the book was him merely following his script. So Why did I take this interaction so personally? In a way, I felt like I had to pay for his services somehow. In a past session, about a similar sales interaction, my therapist labeled this as soliciting. The clerks’ services needed to be compensated and If it wasn’t cash, I would pay him in guilt—of course this varies on whether you’re an anxious person or not. Also, depending on your physical identity and the social stereotypes that come with that, that is added to your bill. For example, a minority who walks into an expensive clothing store has to fight against the social stereotypes attributed to their physical identity. Stereotypically, due to past and current systematic racist laws, many poc groups are stereotyped to be not financially successful relative to white people and therefore typically not the target consumer for most expensive brands. There’s countless of research on employee biases towards people of color and how many are disproportionately policed in stores compared to their white counterparts. By asking me, the clerk had nothing to lose and everything to gain. He received an answer from me, and I walked out carrying the uncertainties of the intentions of his question. Did he ask me that to pressure me to buy the book—was he soliciting as my therapist called it. Did that question come with some judgment and perhaps unconscious biases? Or was I overthinking and he was simply doing his job? The answer is uncertain and perhaps to a non-over thinker, it’s not worth crying over, but my mind won’t rest. I drove home running through all the possible explanations of his question. My annoyance at the traffic temporarily distracted my mind from that. I completed some work for my day job, walked to a nearby book store and browsed through some books, and here I am at the gym writing this, wondering. It’s only a matter of time and words when my mind will eventually stop beating this dead horse.