thingsiwishcouldsay

[thingsiwishcouldsay]

2. 12/28/22

Hi,

I think we've established that I'm going to be doing these regularly now. Maybe treat it like journaling almost, you know? I don't have much to say here. A part of me hates doing this, as I do it after a huge crying session. And honestly, I feel guilty about crying. Like, what right do I reserve? I really don't. I keep thinking about how much you would hate me if you actually knew I was doing this.

Anyway, I was thinking about muscle memory today. Particularly, how my hands know the exact shape of you. Like, it's so strong that I don't even have to close my eyes to be able to feel it and picture it. I remember the exact color of your skin. My favorite part of your body was the part where your neck met your shoulders. It always felt so real and solid beneath my hands. I remember how your face felt. The shape of your cheekbones. You had a really well-defined face. Have, I suppose. I loved how you would lie down on top of me, and I would hold you. I was reading our old texts the other day.

The thing is, I can't actually figure out if I was a bad girlfriend to you. I loved you so much, and I always made it a point to show you that. But then, there would be times that I don't know - you told me I wasn't doing enough. Perhaps, I really wasn't. Which means you should have someone better. I suppose I'm sorry about the way this ended. But, I guess in a few years, neither of us will be sorry that it ended? No. I think I will be. I don't think I have the capacity to love like that again, ti utterly devote myself to someone. I know you think I wasn't devoted. But, I truly was. You just never had faith in me - that I did.

Ofcourse, what do these words matter now. They seem almost empty, don't they. It's okay. I think this will be behind us. See, but the issue is that I don't want to put it behind me. I don't want to forget. It's terrible living this way, but I don't want to forget. Not at all. So, what do I do? I told myself that I have to think about the way you feel every night. To keep the memory alive. I'll do my best. I wonder what you're up to all the time. (Names #1 and #2 redacted) met you today, I heard. I don't want to push, but I also find myself curious. Are you sleeping well? Are you eating well? I can't talk about this with anyone. As it turns out, everyone has problems in their life. You and I are not alone. So, this odd form of journaling it is. I hope you're doing okayish. Take care. Till the next one.

Love always, D.

[thingsiwishcouldsay]

1

Hi,

I am writing another letter in lieu of being able to talk to you. I had a dream about you last night. In it, I was scared and upset and terrified. You hadn't been talking to me in the dream. But then, suddenly, you come out of nowhere and you can see me, and smile, and act completely normal, like nothing is wrong between us. You were wearing the same clothes that you had on in those pictures you sent me, from the lake - the beige linen t-shirt and dark blue jeans the your sneakers. I was so confused about why you were so normal. And then I woke up.

I usually sleep and wake up feeling like there's a 20 kgs weight on my chest. To deal with that, I've been drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I had wine day before yesterday, and slept okay. But last night, after drinking about the same amount of wine, the minute I lied down on my bed, I started crying. Out of nowhere, the urge to cry came. If you ever read all this, you'd actually hate me. You'd laugh (sardonically) about how pathetic this is, and probably hate me more. Strange how I can see all this happening so clearly in my head.

I met [name redacted] for a few minutes today. He said you seemed to be holding up fine, that you've been really wanting to go for the new Avatar film. I was really happy to hear all that. I honestly believe that you'll become the best version of yourself in the following months - you always said you were so insecure because of me. I think without me now, you'll regain your confidence, you'll succeed professionally and personally. I imagine lots of women will populate your life again. I really think you'll come out from this well. Far better than me anyway. I have no job prospects, don't even know which country I'll be living in the future. Life isn't looking great really. I also had my hair cut too short, and I regret it so much. I think you would've liked to see how long my hair had become. But the texture of my hair is so much better now, so that's something.

Anyway, why the fuck am I talking about hair. [Name Redacted] also said you seemed to be doing fine. I somehow knew you'd hate me one day. I guess I was right. Being right sucks. You know what, I ordered KFC chicken popcorn for myself. When I started eating it, I remembered how I'd feed you all the pieces that were the crispiest, while we would cuddle. Those were really great times. We'd watch some new movie or the other, mock if it was bad, and praise if it was good. And in between, we'd make out a lot. Around the same time last year, we watched The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. And the year before - well that was one of the most memorable nights of my life. I think that's a part of the purpose of the letters - to immortalize all our good memories together. See, I never wanted to forget or move on. Anyway, take care.

Love, D.