thingsifeeltosay

[thingsifeeltosay]

Note to self

It's been 6 years since I've posted here. Looking back, this platform turned into my safe haven for letting out my emotions in my hardest days, and I can't help but to ponder on how I've been doing then and how I've been doing now. So much has happened in what may seem like a lifetime--6 years of happiness, sorrow, hope, anguish, humility, betrayal, loss, disappointment, redemption, and everything in between. There's a lot of lessons learned and stories to be told, friends gained and people lost. With all the time I've been given, maybe I should feel that I have grown "mature" and I found my way past depression and that I should know the answer to every goddamn question I have been asking and shouting at the universe.

The thing is I still feel the same way and I still don't know the answers. Everything -- every weight, every ounce of pain, every trauma -- is stacking up and I can feel it pressing down on me all at once. There's a part of me that regrets everything that happened. A cycle is what it is. Out of tragedy, another is waiting to unfold. I'm too much of a pessimist and a nihilist to comfortably sleep at night, thinking what the hell I'm supposed to do in all of this mess. I'm broke and unemployed. Self-confidence and self-worth is at an all time low. I'm exactly what other people told me I am, worthless and unambitious and selfish. I'm stuck in a familiar place, where I left myself all those years ago. Ironic how I've wandered aimlessly and directionless but still ended up here. It's alluring and convenient to just finally end my life. After all, I've been suffering for so long and for so much that I can't even remember when it started. It's only fair to wanna stop living, right?

Then I look back, to everyone who stayed and believed in me. Despite the things I did and how shitty I am, how can they still have so much faith in me? I still cry thinking about the unrelentless support I get from my closest friends. I was so blinded by my anger and hate to the people who left that I didn't realize sooner that I'm lucky to be surrounded by good-hearted people. And so I don't want to waste an inch of love I receive from them and I don't want to take them for granted. Now, I don't regret going through this pain because I found my reason to stay, my reason to get up and fight. I need to prove those who doubted me they were wrong, and to those who supported me that they were right. I need to give back the love they have given me, to be there when they need me.

I'm writing this to you, future me, that when you're on the ropes and on the edge of despair, to never let go of the reason why we fight. To choose fighting for your life every single time and to hold on to hope. I used to think that I should've known better in the face of mistakes and disappointment. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless. So I hope this time we turn things around and break the cycle one step at a time. We will always make mistakes and form misjudgments, but I will always forgive you as much as I have forgiven myself.

[thingsifeeltosay]

well i mean, not wrong // credits: @screamingemonight on Instagram

[thingsifeeltosay]

★ movements - full circle ★

[thingsifeeltosay]

Movements - Full Circle

Photo by me :) IG: bracelegs

[thingsifeeltosay]

movements / full circle 11/14/17

[thingsifeeltosay]

Filed Under: Things I Fancy - Urbandub’s “Esoteric”

[thingsifeeltosay]

You're the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. 😊

||7:45pm||

Thank you

[thingsifeeltosay]

The key to being happy isn’t a search for meaning. It’s to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you’ll be dead

[thingsifeeltosay]

WITH CONFIDENCE // VOLDEMORT 

[thingsifeeltosay]

The Story So Far // Nerve

[thingsifeeltosay]

I don't wanna be a burden anymore

Moose Blood - Talk In Your Sleep

[thingsifeeltosay]

Lonely Eyes // The Front Bottoms

[thingsifeeltosay]

THIS SHOW IS THE REALEST THING

[thingsifeeltosay]

MOOD

[thingsifeeltosay]

I don’t think that I’m okay

[thingsifeeltosay]

Right now, I don’t think that I’m okay.

As It Is // Okay (via onlybandlyrics)

[thingsifeeltosay]

remembering sunday // all time low