thingsidontwanttotellmyfriends

[thingsidontwanttotellmyfriends]

2020 update

okay so i haven’t posted anything on here in the past two years i don’t even know what to say or where to begin my latest obsession is Spencer Reid and Matthew Gray Gubler himself. I have finals day after tomorrow and i havent started studying for them yet. Also i think i have ADHD, i havent gotten diagnosed yet so i cant say for certain. 

Other than that im working on myself, im still not where i want to be in life but im trying to work on it. But its really hard because i just cant seem to care about anything. Like im so indifferent internally idk why, i have a stable family life apart from some small arguments with my mom. But my own mentality is annoying me at this point, because i just dont know who i am. Besides my latest hyperfixation, idk who i am. i feel like im not a real person sometimes. Nothing interests me. i cant even bring myself to watch movies now. I dont know what this is but its ruining my life.

I am in my 3rd year at uni and i feel like i barely learnt anything. i couldnt tell someone even the basics of my major at uni. i feel like other people just know what to do, and i dont. not to mention my major at uni used to be smth im passionate about. it wasnt pushed onto me, i chose it myself and now i can’t even force myself to study for it. It feels like the only things i can do for prolongued periods of time is to watch tiktoks and instagram. Not even youtube vids are watchable for me bc i just cant focus for that long. Idk what to do.

Its gotten to this point that last night after everyone went to sleep. i tried to make myself cry because i havent cried in over 6 months. and even though yesterday was a emotionally tiring day for me i couldnt even get a single tear to drop. My sleep schedule is so messed up. Ive been sleeping at 3am and waking up at 11am. Even just writing this im procrastinating from studying for my final which idk anything about. i hate this. 

i hate feeling like this beacuse i live such a priviledged life, from the outside i have everything and more a person needs, even financially we are comfortable. But just this internal indifference is getting unbearable for me. 

I just want to enjoy life again. 

I want to be passionate about things again.

i dont want to be this person. 

but idk what to do

ps. just ignore the typos because i just want to get this out and i cant be bothered with fixing them.

[thingsidontwanttotellmyfriends]

Losing friends

Just some years ago I used to have a whole squad of 10 friends at school and we all had so much fun together.

None of us are actually from the country we go to school in so gradually my friends moved back to their home countries.

I’m still good friends with 7 of those people but none of them are in our school anymore; they live in their own countries now. I really miss those days because I always had friends to rely on and I knew they valued me as much as I valued them.

I talk to them on WhatsApp and snapchat and stuff now.

Now I only have one friend who wasn’t part of the original squad but after 8 of the original squad people left, my two remaining friends and I became friends with this new person who I’ve now been friends with for about a year and a half.

The 4 of us had loads of fun and we were all equals in our friendship and just enjoyed each other’s company a lot.

Then the two of my friends from the original squad left and it was only me and the “new” friend.

Now I only have that one friend at school and some other low-key friends no one I can actually rely on but just there for banter.

School is just so depressing now I just want to stay home. I skip school so much now because I just feel so alone there and I miss my old friends every day. I don’t want these few months that are left of school to ruin my future but I’m just so tired.

I feel like my friend has changed ever since my other two friends left because we always used to be laughing and having fun whereas now everything is somewhat strained. Things have happened in her life and my life but nothing that actually hurt our relationship. But we don’t seem to be as close as we were back when we were 4 friends.

I don’t know what to pin the strain on our friendship on and that’s really frustrating.

I feel like she doesn’t really value me as her best friend and that it wouldn’t really make a difference to her if I wasn’t there. She never actually said this but I just feel like that’s in her mind. I feel like no one really likes or values me except for my family anymore.

It really feels like I care for her more than she does for me.

[thingsidontwanttotellmyfriends]

Obsessing over Charlie Puth

My most recent obsession has been with Charlie puth. I feel like I can’t tell my friends irl because i feel like they can’t particularly relate.

I’ve just been so in love with him these past couple of weeks. I guess I can pin it to when he released his song “how long”, I got curious I about him.

I’ve spent my whole 3 week holiday watching his interviews and reading his tweets from all the way back. I really feel like there’s nothing more that I can possibly know about him that he’s said in any interview or any caption on instagram or anywhere.

I love his talking voice and I love his songs not all tbqh🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s been so frustrating that there is nothing more to watch or hear that I haven’t heard or seen already.

He’s really so talented and such goals, He really knows music and when he talks about it in a nerdy way going into all the processes and just sounding like an expert it’s really inspiring to be that good at something myself.

He’s said many times that he’s got perfect pitch and that he HAS to say the note out loud to get it out of his brain so he can go about the rest of his day.

So I guess this is my version of that because I’ve honestly spent a lot of time on just “stalking” him on the internet and it’s really been taking a toll on my personal life because I always seem to be thinking about him and not actually doing the work that I should be doing and since I’m at a really critical point in my academic life right now I really need to be focused and I guess right now I feel like I just need to get this out so I can focus on my own life 😂