things-are-never-gonna-change

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

I told him that if I was to fall asleep mad at him today for one more time it's going to be over. I might be lying to myself and making up loopholes to make myself feel better. My first thought was "oh well it's after midnight so technically I'm not falling asleep on that day" but truth is no matter how much I supposedly love him, he is not going to change, and I am not going to be happy being with him the way he is now. I know that. He knows it. I might just be too afraid of change and being alone again. I know I might be better off without him and happier. I have been before. But I would miss him. A lot.

I think this might be it. The end of a three year unhealthy relationship. And if course I feel like shit.

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

I think this might be it. The end of a three year unhealthy relationship. And of course I feel like shit.

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

A few days ago he hurt me quite badly. I was in a bad mood because I was stuck in traffic because of him and quite frustrated. The day before something happened that can be best described as a very racist encounter and I finally decided to share it with he as it wore me down a lot. He told me I overreacted. I was just standing in the middle of the street and crying in disbelief. How could he show so little understanding or empathy? I was devastated but I was trying. Later that night some other racist comments came up and he just laughed and didn't realize how much it hurt me and how much it broke me down further. Right now I don't even know if I could ever love him again. A man who is not only hurting my feelings and making me feel unwanted and unloved but a man showing so little understanding or empathy with things that he knows have been weighing me down for years. He knows I'm not quite stable right now and that small things can set me off but he just doesn't seem to care. I know it's not his responsibility to make sure I don't go off but at the same time shouldn't the man I love show at least a little bit of interest in my well-being? Right now I'm just confused and sad and more than anything hurt.

I dont think its healthy

There is just too much crying and too many tears involved in this relationship for it to be healthy. The feeling of being alone and abandoned has just become a constant companion for me. I am unable to show him my appreciation for him and he cannot understand how much i need him. I dont think he is able to love me the way I need him to love me at the moment as I am too broken. He has to deal with his own pain and pick his own pieces up first. And until we are both whole again we are just facilitating our corrosion. He breaks me down more and more and i am breaking him down more and more. Until one day there wont be anything left of us. I am just so hungry of love and support that i would drain him if he would let me but he is smart enough not to. I need confirmation and affirmation so much that i am willing to do everything in order to receive it. The worse i feel the more love and support i need but the more i push him away from me. I am too broken to be able to love properly and i cannot expect him to love me back as long as i am this broken. Maybe i should put an end to it. If it was meant to be it will come back and we will find it again. I guess i am just too afraid of letting go. The feeling of being substituted this quickly the last time has gotten to me. It has deteriorated my mental health more than ever before and has left me in even more pieces. He was what held me together in the first place but then he broke me down more and more. I think this is why i cant let go. He reminds me of a time where he was everything that made me happy. It is not healthy. This whole relationship was never healthy. It was loving but we were both broken and looking for someone to fill the whole in our hearts. Thats why we probably fell in love so fast and without a second thought. I was hurt badly and he was also a broken boy. He doesnt like to hear this nor does he like to admit this but he was. He was unable to deal with emotions in to some extent he still is 3 years later. I myself have never been good with emotions. 

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

he just becomes so cold whenever i need him most and whenever i am most afraid and need him most he just leaves because he cant put up with me any longer. It is unfair to expect him to be there for me even when i wont admit that i need him. he is my everything and my entire world and right now he is just leaving because i hurt him. i am this monster that just consumes everything in my way whenever i lose control and he just cant deal with it. as soon as i lash out he is gone and wont come back. it doesnt feel like forever, more like until the next time he is tired of me. one time i didnt see any other way than to break up and he forgot about it so quickly. At that time we were dating for a year and a half and he just got back to his old friendship plus in no time. he waited until i was on vacation, the same vacation where i texted him how much i missed him because i got weak. Meanwhile, he was just fucking her in our shared apartment in my bed. He never told me about it but i found out. I was on the best way to become happy again. I was getting better and i was finally able to smile again and be truly happy but then the night after my birthday i got weak again. Birthdays mean the world to me and he just wasnt there which broke me. I never knew how much it was going to bother me. I apologized to him and told him how much i loved and needed him. We tried to work on it. We really did. And it worked for a while. The problem is that he still doesnt get me. He doesnt understand me and is thus unable to show me the understanding i need. This year it was so important to me that he would be with me on my birthday. But due to corona he wasnt. we didnt see each other the day and havent talked the whole day as we were fighting. it broke me. even more than before. and when it was time for his birthday i made sure to be with him as it is important for me. I needed it but then i overcompensated. he just wanted to be left alone.

I dont think its healthy

There is just too much crying and too many tears involved in this relationship for it to be healthy. The feeling of being alone and abandoned has just become a constant companion for me. I am unable to show him my appreciation for him and he cannot understand how much i need him. I dont think he is able to love me the way I need him to love me at the moment as I am too broken. He has to deal with his own pain and pick his own pieces up first. And until we are both whole again we are just facilitating our corrosion. He breaks me down more and more and i am breaking him down more and more. Until one day there wont be anything left of us. I am just so hungry of love and support that i would drain him if he would let me but he is smart enough not to. I need confirmation and affirmation so much that i am willing to do everything in order to receive it. The worse i feel the more love and support i need but the more i push him away from me. I am too broken to be able to love properly and i cannot expect him to love me back as long as i am this broken. Maybe i should put an end to it. If it was meant to be it will come back and we will find it again. I guess i am just too afraid of letting go. The feeling of being substituted this quickly the last time has gotten to me. It has deteriorated my mental health more than ever before and has left me in even more pieces. He was what held me together in the first place but then he broke me down more and more. I think this is why i cant let go. He reminds me of a time where he was everything that made me happy. It is not healthy. This whole relationship was never healthy. It was loving but we were both broken and looking for someone to fill the whole in our hearts. Thats why we probably fell in love so fast and without a second thought. I was hurt badly and he was also a broken boy. He doesnt like to hear this nor does he like to admit this but he was. He was unable to deal with emotions in to some extent he still is 3 years later. I myself have never been good with emotions. 

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

It's incredible how worthless and not good enough you make me feel even when you're not in my life anymore.

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

why cant he just understand me? why do i have to be like this? Why do i have to break all the good things in my life? I just wanna die.

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

I dont think its healthy

There is just too much crying and too many tears involved in this relationship for it to be healthy. The feeling of being alone and abandoned has just become a constant companion for me. I am unable to show him my appreciation for him and he cannot understand how much i need him. I dont think he is able to love me the way I need him to love me at the moment as I am too broken. He has to deal with his own pain and pick his own pieces up first. And until we are both whole again we are just facilitating our corrosion. He breaks me down more and more and i am breaking him down more and more. Until one day there wont be anything left of us. I am just so hungry of love and support that i would drain him if he would let me but he is smart enough not to. I need confirmation and affirmation so much that i am willing to do everything in order to receive it. The worse i feel the more love and support i need but the more i push him away from me. I am too broken to be able to love properly and i cannot expect him to love me back as long as i am this broken. Maybe i should put an end to it. If it was meant to be it will come back and we will find it again. I guess i am just too afraid of letting go. The feeling of being substituted this quickly the last time has gotten to me. It has deteriorated my mental health more than ever before and has left me in even more pieces. He was what held me together in the first place but then he broke me down more and more. I think this is why i cant let go. He reminds me of a time where he was everything that made me happy. It is not healthy. This whole relationship was never healthy. It was loving but we were both broken and looking for someone to fill the whole in our hearts. Thats why we probably fell in love so fast and without a second thought. I was hurt badly and he was also a broken boy. He doesnt like to hear this nor does he like to admit this but he was. He was unable to deal with emotions in to some extent he still is 3 years later. I myself have never been good with emotions. 

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

"Sometimes I feel alone in my own relationship"

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

everything is normal

although everything is going okay right now i cant seem to get better. my life is actually on a good track. I just finished my second year of uni and have great friends i love and a boyfriend who i thought was perfect for me. He was the source of a lot of hurt in the past but recently we both committed to being better and more understanding. I thought everything was going to be better, but right now it just feels like being run over by a truck every single day. My family is on vacation and apparently there has been large tensions between my mum and my sister. Recently my mum jumped into a canal and might have tried to kill herself as she cant swim. Its all okay now but it still has been hard on me and my mental health. I am so annoyed every single day of my best friend of 10 years ever since she moved in with me and it has taken a toll on the relationship between me and my boyfriend. I am constantly annoyed and disappointed as I feel like he is not supportive of me and my emotions even though i am aware that my feelings might be irrational or over the top. I just really wanted someone to be in my corner. I guess my family hasnt been the most supportive growing up even though they tried to be. I was just never really good in letting people in. I was the kind of kid that ate my feelings up and even though they had good intentions it just bothered me. I had a difficult childhood and its not supposed to be an excuse it just feels good to admit it for once. I am not always the easiest person to have around. I am the friend that organizes BBQs and makes the other friends come to her house to have dinner. The mum friend that initiates stuff and is there for her friends whenever needed. But i get annoyed quite easily and once I am annoyed its hard to not be annoyed anymore and to shake that picture i have of this person. Thats probably also why i fell in love with my boyfriend of 3 years. He sees the best in people and nothing can bother him. He is forgiving and relaxed and everything i am not, but this also has posed great difficulties for this relationship. I feel like he is never going to understand me an cant stop wondering if he really is the one and if he is good for me. He also has the feeling that I dont appreciate him although i do. I do so much for him and he does the same for me but i think we both suck at showing our appreciation. There are just things in a relationship that mean the world to me but that dont matter to him. Maybe i am so broken that i need to be left alone. Currently its hard to find a will to live left in me but it has been often liek this in the past growing up and i know rationally that it will pass. I also know that it will come back once it has passed and catch up with me whenever i least expect it to. For now the thought of leaving my little sister behind is what keeps me going everyday. 

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

I’m actually afraid nobody will ever fall in love with me again because of how emotionally damaged i am. I wish i wasn’t so easily left.

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

in another universe we live in the same city, i meet you at the right time and place and we both care about each other equally.

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

I have never felt so helpless. It feels like my whole world is collapsing with me in pieces inside. And every single piece of me is trapped somewhere in there, some where in the chaos. It feels like I'm trapped and there is no way out. And it all came so sudden. Everyone is screaming at me because nothing I do is right, and all I'm able to do is to hurt everyone else who is connected to me. I can't change it nor can I stop it. I'm so full of Hope and Faith for a better time in the future but at the same time I'm afraid of it and can't endure the present any longer. I want to die and just end this already but I'm afraid of missing out on what will come. I'm trapped in an impossible situation unable to reach out for help. I don't want to bother anyone or appear weak and I don't want this life anymore. Not for me not for anyone else. I feel guilty because I'm not happy even though I am privileged. I am told every day that I should appreciate what I have, but I must be to spoiled to want people who are really there for me, who love me, no matter how I'm doing. I must be crazy to want my friends and family to notice how broken I am and to help me. I know I should be reaching out and do something myself, and I hate being so weak and reliant on others, but I can't help it. I have tried to do it my way for several years now but I can't take it any longer. Something needs to happen and I don't know what it is that I could do to end this suffering and have a normal happy life without sabotaging myself.

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

we all have that one person who just ruins your day by being alive 

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

[things-are-never-gonna-change]

stop falling in love with different versions of the same person

[things-are-never-gonna-change]