thiccsquiggle-blog

[thiccsquiggle-blog]

I'm so fucking useless

[thiccsquiggle-blog]

🤙🏻Highkey vibing with the notion of stabbing myself in the throat with a pencil 🤙🏻

[thiccsquiggle-blog]

[thiccsquiggle-blog]

[thiccsquiggle-blog]

I can verify

“What doesn’t kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor.”

— Slytherin

[thiccsquiggle-blog]

Always the same

I just wish that I could do something that no one could tarnish. That it could be unprecedented and a amazing with nothing to undermine it and I can be the hero for once. Not the shitty second choice. But that's all I'll ever be to anyone. I'm always going to be cheaper. I'm always going to be average looking. I'm always going to have social anxiety. I'm always going to have work. Im always going to never be enough.

[thiccsquiggle-blog]

Having a flucating number of parents is a very disorienting thing. Especially when they never stay. After my original two split my mom was the first to bring one home. Dennis, a 20 something year old who had dyslexia and was just a clone of my dad. He tried to get me to set off fire crackers with him. Next was the prison gaurd my dad dated for a while, she had a son. I was in elementary school and the idea of gaining a brother was so daunting, especially since he was the same age as my sister and she didn't exactly like my at the time. I remember trying to get into the room they were in to say hi, but she slammed the door on my fingers. They were bruised for weeks. Along with varying parents came varying homes. When I was in middle school my mom started dating a man named Ken. He was a auto parts salesman for a tractor company and lived in the middle of nowhere. We moved into his house, I slept in the unfinished attic with a four poster bed. There were bats. My father followed in suit and soon a woman half his age was living with us. Courtney. She had a one eyed golden retriever that always had something wrong with it. She made me feel like eating was a bad thing and constantly monitored me. Both of my parents stayed with their partners for the same amount of time, around 4 years. Within those years I became very depressed, my sister started living exclusively my father which ruined my mother, I went weeks without eating , and I was forced to hike mountains by my father and Courtney. My mom decided to break it off with Ken the night of my eighth grade graduation. I ended up being homeless that night. Courtney was becoming too obsessed with working, she would stay out all night working in the woods , she always had to keep going. My sister intervened and he left her with much difficulty. My mother and I found a one room apartment above someone's garage. My father became more vile and I left the situation. Each day I walked a mile and half to the bus stop from the apartment. My mother spent her nights at bars and I only saw her in the mornings when I was able to sometimes coax her into giving me a ride. There are too many names of men that my mother dated in that time period. I distanced myself from my father. My mother met Steve, a funny mechanic that made her smile. He said he liked my art. The next month the three of us were living together in a renovated mobile home, I had gotten my own room for the first time in 7 years. Though it was no bigger than a wealthy woman's shoe closet, I loved it. A year later and they got married. I can't remember the last time my mother asked me how my day was. I guess it's just weird to me how I went from having 4 parents at one point to now having 0.

[thiccsquiggle-blog]

Sometimes I just feel really bad. Like I can't do anything, because of my anxiety disorder I can't go to pep rallies, school bonfires, lunch, and most other loud social places with out freaking out. Of course no one wants to just hang out with the fucking emotional cripple when they could be doing something fun and social with their friends. I hate pep rallies so much mainly because I always end up just sitting alone in the library and then afterwards everyone tells me everything that happened and shares all these jokes and there are all these posts of everyone having a good time with their friends. All I do is sit and watch Netflix by myself, I can't even walk in the same hall as the pep rally or I freak out. It sucks.

[thiccsquiggle-blog]

▶️"House of the Rising Sun" by The Animals

Im perfectly content sitting at the bottom of the ocean. Its my home, the one place I love and belong. The entity that will forever welcome me with open arms no matter what. The sweet embrace of water as I dance with my love. So leave me alone. I'm fine with the barnacles growing on my skin, the seaweed sprouting from my, and the fish that are using my body as a home . The waves are doing good for me I promise . I know my flesh is decaying, but that just means soon I'll have a pearl , round and pure. My treasure, my saving grace from the tortuous pull of the full moon. I don't need to breath, I never have. All I need is the company of the clown fish that have found refuge in my head as well as the lion fish that now occupies my heart. My only question is " Why are you so bothered by the way I volunteer my body to others. After all you shouldn't care. According to you I'm just 'A waste of space'."